A Darkened Mind: Part One
by Aquarius Princess
Summary: Chap. 1-50. Every relationship has its problems, but will you get out before it is too late? Sam and Freddie are in an abusive situation that they both can't handle. What will triumph? List of warnings and pairings inside. *currently undergoing rewriting*
1. Out Of Control

_So, I'm rewriting the first part of A Darkened Mind. This chapter is gramatically correct now._

_*Official Seal Of Rewrittened*_

_List of Warnings_

_Abuse_

_Adultery_

_Attempted Sexual Assault_

_Eating Disorder_

_Mention of Character Death_

_Sexual Themes_

_Swearing_

**Chapter One: Out of Control**

I saw myself in the mirror and I almost want to cry. My left eye was swollen and purple. My bottom lip was nearly split in half and a bit of blood was still leaking even after the many hours since it was opened. My left cheek was red and purple. I'm so ashamed…I mean…I wished I could have prevented this…I wished I could have done something…But I learned long ago that wishes hardly ever get granted.

"Freddie?"

I froze, I saw my eyes widened in the white trimmed mirror…Well, the left one would widen along with the right if it could. I opened the door to the bathroom and I saw her standing there. You know, even after what's she's done, I still find myself overcome with the beauty of her. She's an angel, you know…When you finally get pass that wall she puts up. She used to be so kind, so gentle, and so sweet. But I guess that things change along with the times.

"I'm sorry for what happened last night…I mean, I got so angry…" She said, looking down, "I mean, I feel like that…that you pay more attention to that…machine that me…" She was referring to my laptop. The cause of our fight.

I stared at her, annoyed by her apologies. They were always the same. I knew that I would regret it…but I didn't even think about it. I walked past her without a second glance.

She grabbed me by my wrist and slammed me against the wall. She dug her manicured nails into my skin. I looked up at her and see the animalistic rage in her eyes. She raised her hand and it formed into a fist. Before I knew it, I saw stars and I doubled over. I fell to the ground. There was an immense amount of pain going through my stomach. "You will address me whenever I speak to you," She said, as the rage slowly left her eyes.

"I-I'm sorry, Sam, I-I-" I tried to apologize, but it was too soon…

She kicked me in my ribs with all her strength, causing a sickening crack! from my stomach. I curled up to protect my stomach from any more assaults.

Sam bent down to my level. The rage in her eyes was finally gone. She stared at me as she stroked my cheek, making me wince. She grabbed my shoulders and pulled me up.

"Thank you…" I sighed as I went to sit down on the bed, "I'm sorry for not paying attention to you…It was a stupid mistake."

Sam kissed my forehead, "It's okay…You need a break from the computer, though…That stuff will hurt your eyes." She walked over to the desk where I kept my laptop. She picked it up and put it under her arm, "I'm taking this to work with me, you can have it back when you realize what's important to you…."

I looked down. That laptop was my only link to the outside world…You see, Sam…doesn't let me out of the apartment. I know, that sounds pathetic, but it's true. When I moved into her apartment, I was never given a key and Sam has those locks that you can't unlock without a key. At first, I kept asking her for one, then after I finally realized what she wanted to do…

It's not her fault though…Her dad left her and she's just a little scared that I'll leave her too…I understand. And I can do everything I need to inside. I can work from my computer. I got a job designing websites and doing technical work once I got out of high school. College wasn't in the cards for me. I had the grades to get in…Money was a problem though…Anyway, I've never had friends growing up besides Carly and Sam, so I had no reason to go out. My laptop, my gadgets, they were an escape for me. I can be in my fantasy world where nothing could hurt me…That's why I wanted it, why I needed it.

Sam kisses me as I am glazed in my thoughts; "See you at six, Fredward…" She pokes my forehead teasingly as I smiled at her, amused. Sam grabs her purse and looks at two bottles of perfume on the end table, "Hey, lavender or sugar?" I thought awhile before saying, "Sugar." She grabs the blue one and sprayed it on herself before leaving the apartment. The scent of lavender filled the room. She never really cared for my opinion.


	2. Every Moment

_*Official Seal Of Rewrittened*_

**Chapter Two: Every Moment**

After saying goodbye to Freddie, I unlocked the apartment door and locked it back as I go to the elevator at the end of the hallway. I hit the down button and waited for the ding! that would signal that it was at my floor.

The apartment building itself was a twenty story high building. It was near the college, so there were a lot of students, professors and young couples that lived here. The walls of the hallway were some sort of baby blue color that calmed me. Some rich old bag owned the place. She died last week, so the new landlord was due any moment. Not that I cared. All I knew about the lady was that she just wanted the rent sent to her apartment. I don't think I even saw her more than once.

I ran my fingers through my blonde hair as I waited. I looked down at my nails. I wrinkled my nose as I saw bits of blood under my nails. I licked the blood off, not wanting the reminder.

I've been giving Freddie bruises since kindergarten, but this was different.

You know, Freddie was the first boy that didn't kick sand in my face in the sandbox. He was a gentleman then and he's a gentleman now. He offered me his pail and shovel and in his squeaky voice, wanted to know if we could be friends. I coiled up like a snake, not knowing why he was being nice. Convinced that it was a trick, I kicked sand in his face like dozens of other boys have done to me. He groaned and cried, going to the comfort of his mother. It wasn't long before Mrs. Benson went to my mom and complained to her about it. My mom had bigger problems that me, so she blew it off, promising Mrs. Benson that I would be punished when I got home.

Heh, "punishment" wasn't for me…

The next day, he tried to get my attention again, showing me his bike with his training wheels. I unscrewed the training wheels with the screw driver I stole from my mom's purse and convinced him that he could ride his bike without it. That's how he got his first broken bone from me. The little sucker flew right off his bike into the pavement. And he got the idea through his head that I wasn't going to be his friend.

Then, Carly started hanging out with me. She was nice…Really nice. She was my best friend….My only true friend…Anyway, it turned out that Freddie and Carly lived in the same apartment building and were friends. Carly convinced us to be friends with each other so we could all be best friends forever.

Childish dreams from the girl that never got a chance to grow up.

I snapped out of my dreamland and noticed that the elevator was there. I walked into it and pressed 1. I sighed as I leaned against the wall. I looked down at my locket necklace and opened it. I always did that. It was good luck. I stare at the two pictures in it. Of Daddy and Freddie. The two men that I ever loved. I smiled as I close the heart shaped locket and left it alone.

I left the elevator when it got to the ground floor and walked out of the apartment. I stood at the corner, waiting for the bus. The bus is late today. Usually, I would end up running to the stop and slamming my hands on the bus as it started to drive away, yelling at the driver to stop. I wondered if I'm the one who's late. But a quick glance around the stop, seeing the familiar people that got on at this stop, I think not. I sat down on the bench, thinking of last night.

See, I work all day. Nine o'clock to four o'clock. Sometimes later, to ten o'clock or even eleven o'clock. I expect to come home to a clean house, a warm meal so I don't have to eat crappy take out, and an attentive boyfriend. I don't think that's too much to ask. I mean, Mom wanted that from Daddy, so why shouldn't I want that from Freddie? But like most nights, he's at his computer, "working". That boy doesn't know what a day's work is. All he does is type and click. A monkey could do his job.

I tried to get his attention. I went to kiss him, but he just moved away from me. It irritated me. I grabbed his wrist and pulled him away from the computer, wanting some form of communication. He got back into his seat, telling me that _I_ was a distraction and he wasn't in the mood for my games. So, I pushed him out of the chair and to the floor. I grabbed the lamp at his desk. (It was the nearest thing I could reach) and I hit him with it. Again, and again, and again, and again. Until I didn't have the strength to hit him anymore.

Freddie had curled up in a ball, crying like a baby. I pulled him up and whispered soothing words into his ear. Things like "Don't cry, sweetie" and "I'm sorry, baby" That seemed to calm him down. He said that he's sorry too. I smiled as I led him to our bed and kissed him before I left him to sleep. I could tell he was tired. I heated up some leftover spaghetti from last night and crashed on the couch. I went to bed sometime after two and if it weren't for the cuts and bruises, old and new, it would be like it never happened.


	3. Foremost Creation

_*Official Seal Of Rewrittened*_

**Chapter Three: Foremost Creation**

One of the things I hate is a fragile thing. I snickered before I took the red halves of the Styrofoam ball and stared at them, "So, you decide to break…Well, two can play at that game…" So, I ripped them apart, laughing wildly. Before I know it, I'm grabbing the other balls and breaking them, seeing how many I can rip in one sitting.

"Spencer, what the hell are you doing?"

I jumped in surprise as I turn to see who said something. I looked to the door and saw Sam. I was energized from gallons of coffee that I had drunk this morning. I smiled and run over to her, "I have no clue! Destroying my materials, I guess…." I couldn't wait to tell her the great news! She's going to be so happy for me!

She smirked in enjoyment before wagging her finger, "What have I told you about wasting materials?"

I sighed and leaned against the wall, "It wastes money…"

"And what have I told you about wasting money?"

"Not to do it?"

Her smirk grew wider, "Smart boy, you get a gold star."

My eyes widened, "Really?!"

She shakes her head, "No."

I pout in fake disappointment before smiling once again, "I'm creating a sculpture out of Styrofoam and plastic and animal fur. It's all in my head, but I'm working it out."

She asked, mystified, "Why are you making a sculpture out of Styrofoam and plastic and animal fur?"

I said, bouncing up and down in enthusiasm, "It's a statement against global warming!"

Her smile drops as she shook her head and looked away.

"..Sam, what's wrong?" I asked, my smile dropping as well before I placed a hand on her shoulder. I don't like it when people look sad.

Sam looked up at me and put back her smile, "Even after turning thirty-three, you still act like a child…"

I shook my head in protest, "Children don't ask women to be their wife…"

Her eyes widened as she looked at me, "You asked Angela…to marry you?!"

I smiled and nodded, jumping up and down, "And guess what?! She said, "YES"!"

I hugged Sam tightly and picked her up, swinging her about in my joy.

Angela Carvin…What can I say about her?…She is everything to me. The girlfriend I was able to hold on to for more than a few weeks. The first woman who I could say, "I love you" to and truly mean it. And yesterday, I asked her to marry me. I wanted to make a family with her and try to rebuild everything that lost. I know she will never replace Carly, but she helps take away the pain. Angie has her flaws, though, like any human. I still love her though and I know we will be together forever.

I let Sam down before she could decide to beat the crap out of me. She is still smiling in amazement, "Wow, I didn't know you had it in you…"

I asked, "So…do you think Freddie's going to pop the question? I mean you guys have been together longer than Angela and I even knew each other."

Sam sighed and shrugged as she looked off into space, "I'm not sure…"

I go on, not really listening to her, "How _is_ Freddie? I haven't seen him in a long time. The last time we talked was a webchat, six months ago. He hasn't been by here for nearly a year. Come to think of it, if it weren't for you, I would think that he fell of the face of the Earth. You should tell him to come by sometime, I miss him a lot."

Sam asked, sharply, "Don't you have a goddamn job to do?"

I flinched back, not used to this behavior. Sam wasn't as angry and violent as she was when she was a teenager. She grew out of it, probably due to a personal promise to Carly. She hadn't raised her voice at anyone for a long time, especially me.

"…I'm sorry, Sam…I'm just trying to have a conversation." I avoided eye contact as I put my materials away and got ready for my class.

When I looked back to see if Sam was going to apologize, I was disappointed to find out that she wasn't there. I looked at the clock. It was getting pretty close to nine, so she probably went to her class.

I never saw myself as teacher when I was growing up. I dreamt of becoming an artist and maybe doing some teaching when I retired, but not this early. However, I never saw myself burying my sister and father in the same month before I turned thirty. And the worst part was that even though I couldn't save my father, I could have done something about Carly. She told me not to be concerned; I should have paid more attention. I was her guardian; _I_ was supposed to keep her happy and healthy. And I failed that simple task. After she died, Sam and Freddie tried to keep iCarly up, to pay tribute to her memory. But the show soon died off, since it didn't have Carly to keep it going.

So, we had another idea. We were going to honor her memory by making a school that dealt with people with her condition. We learned that full recovery takes nearly a year and it needed to be spent in a safe environment. So we made this school. I became the art teacher and Sam taught Self-Defense (Karate, boxing, and such). She then worked overtime as a nurse to tend on the ones with mild cases. I tried to convince Freddie to be a computer teacher and teach fencing after school and he accepted. But one day, he decided to call it quits, though he was still involved in the school. But after that, I only saw him through web chats. And soon, he fell off the face off the Earth.

I finished up preparing for class just in time for the new kids to come in. I sat on my desk, casually, as they came in. Sick, pale, thin girls filled my room, sitting at their seats. I sighed before regaining my composure. I stand up and smiled.

"Good morning class and let me be one of many to say: Welcome to The Carly Shay Academy. Hopefully, you won't be here long and I wish you a speedy recovery. I want you to think of art as an outlet, so you'll be able to express your feelings about what's happening. And also for you to show your creativity. My name is Spencer Shay, Carly Shay was my little sister. I will treat every single one of you like my baby sister because I care about you, just like I care about her. I don't want you to die. Carly was about your age when she suffered what you're going through. She died of heart failure as a result of a year long battle of anorexia."


	4. A Certain Type Of Desperado

_*Official Seal Of Rewrittened*_

**Chapter Four: A Certain Type Of Desperado**

I rubbed my eyes as I stared at the television screen. The flickering lights and music don't keep my attention since I don't even remember what I'm watching. I never really liked TV that much. There's nothing else to do, though. By ten o'clock, I was done with the cleaning and since I don't have my laptop, I cannot work. I am tempted to fall asleep and I close my eyes, accepting the silence of an empty home. I had gotten used to the quiet, though I wish it were different. I was lonely and I wanted company. However, I had no friends to call up or go see.

I closed my eyes and began to doze off. But then, I heard a woman. She was singing in some language I didn't recognize. My eyes widened in annoyance and I wondered if it is a new tenant who is making herself at home. The singing stopped and I heard the voice of a young child, chatting happily. The woman laughs as I heard her walk down the hallway.

There is a knock on my door. I froze, wondering what to do. Hopefully the woman would leave and come back when Sam is home. That way, there will be no further awkwardness. I wished that I could open the door. But no key….

I then hear the click of a lock and I saw the door opening. Wait a second, this lady has a key to my place…How in the world does she have a key to the apartment?!…I jumped up and scurried over to the door, opening it, "Who the-" I was cut off, not able to say anything at all for the moment.

Standing in front of me was a rather stunned woman. She was on the petite side, probably no more than five feet, three inches. She also had a gorgeous hourglass frame. She had long dark, almost black, brown hair that was in a messy bun on top of her round head. Her eyes were small, brown colored. She was wearing a red blouse with brown stripes that went across the blouse. She wore blue jeans that hugged her small legs in a cute manner. She instantly struck me from the first moment I saw her. Good thing that Sam wasn't there. I was probably standing there with an awed look on my face and she would have beaten me to a pulp, even though there was someone else there.

The boy beside her was also of interest. He was on the taller side and even though he appeared to be seven, he nearly matched the height of his mother. His hair was a scarlet red and his eyes were the same color as his mother's. He was wearing a sea green polo shirt and tan khakis. His frame was alike that of mine when I was his age, a sort of fullness if you may.

The woman was holding a pan in her hands. The sweet scent of fudge came from said pan. The sweet scent tickled my nose. "I-I am sorry, I didn't mean to intrude," She stuttered, blushing, "I was just stopping by to drop off some brownies I made. I'm the new landlady. My aunt, who owned this place, died a few days ago, and I'm left to take care of the place…Th-that's why I had the key. I just thought that I would just put the brownies in the kitchen, leave a note maybe. I-I'm sorry, I'm rambling."

I held up my hand and smiled, "No need for apologizes, Miss…."

She looked at me and smiled back, "Alto, but please call me Vivian. Oh, and this is my son, Jackson."

The boy looked up at me and blushed in bashfulness before hiding behind his mother.

Vivian chuckled before patting her son's untidy hair.

The mother and son bond is one of the most precious ones in the world. I knew that and even though I had hated her over protective ways, I loved being with my mother. I loved doing little projects and puzzles with her. She was extremely bright and was able to teach me about nearly everything. I dealt with her rules and paranoia, knowing that she wanted what was best for me. Just like Sam.

They make all this fuss about the father/son relationship. I didn't have one and I turned out better than the rest of the boys who had the _luxury_ of having both parents. My father was a drunk. He said that my mother and her controlling personality made him do it.

I swore to my mother that I will be a better man than my father was. I would never drink…

"Do you mind if I come in?" Vivian asked.

I shook my head, "Not at all." I walked in the apartment and stood by the couch.

Vivian and Jackson came in, looking around, curiously. Vivian set the pan on the kitchen table, looking down. Jackson looks at the couch, a curious look in his eyes.

"…You can sit down if you want…" I said, smiling.

Jackson sat down on the couch instantly, sighing in relief.

"I have been making him come with me up and down the building, delivering brownies….I just wanted to tell people that I was their new landlady. As for the brownies, I love cooking," Vivian laughed.

I picked up a piece of brownie and took a bite out of it, "Mmm…Delicious."

Vivian smiled at the compliment, "Thank you…So, what is your name?"

I blushed slightly, "Oh, sorry about that. My name is Freddie Benson."

The brunette nodded before asking, "So, do you live here alone?"

I shook my head, "No, I live here with my girlfriend, Sam."

Was that a look of disappointment in her eyes?…Wait, no, it couldn't be.

"Oh, well, perhaps, I should come back later, so I can meet her," Vivian said.

She began leave, but I stopped her, "Wait, Vivian, do you mind if I ask you to…hang out a bit? I want to get to know you and Jackson, since I am your tenant and all."

She turned to me and nodded, "Yes, we would enjoy that very much."

I sat down next to Jackson and Vivian went to sit down in the chair across from the couch.

Jackson looked up at me, "…Um, h-hi, Mr. Benson." I notice him staring at me, intently.

"Jackson, don't stare," His mother scolded him.

It hits me like a ton of bricks. I still have my busted lip, bruised cheek, and black eye. Since I was home alone all day, I never thought of putting on concealer like I would if I was expecting company.

"Oh, don't worry about it. He's just curious, like any other kid. I got this knocking my head against the cabinet door. Take my advice. Don't go rummaging through the kitchen for a midnight snack with the lights off." I smiled, hoping they wouldn't suspect anything.

I used to be so against lying. But now, it comes as easily as breathing. It has to be. I never want to be taken away from Sam again…


	5. Delieverance Of Fate

_Thanks again for coming. Hugs for all. iTwin will soon premiere and I hope that we are all excited. Is Sam lying? Does she really have a twin? And how will this affect A Darkened Mind?…It probably won't. I just like being dramatic. No reviews....T_T That saddens me_

_I want to congratulate __number1NathanKFan, the first person to have A Darkened Mind as their favorite story. ^^_

**Chapter Five: Deliverance Of Fate**

I was pissed off…Yes; I believe that is the expression used by the common people when they are annoyed. I sat back in my easy chair and looked at the folder in my hands. I rubbed my forehead, "God, send me girls with some form of intelligence." I stand up, putting the folder down on my desk and open the door, "Heather!"

My secretary looks up from her computer and looks at me, "Yes, Headmaster?" Her face was contorted in an abnormal state. She was biting her lower lip in an attempt to stop herself from laughing. I rolled my eyes. She was always amused by my "anger". She said it was "cute". I, for one, am not cute. Devilishly attractive, yes, but not cute.

"I want Sam Puckett in my office within the next five minutes. And get Fredward Benson on my web cam at three o'clock. My computer has a virus and I'll be damned if I pay some idiot to mess it up even more," I ordered, crossing my arms. Heather smirked as she asked, "Have you ever assumed that they could be in the middle of something? They can't cater to your affairs on your whim."

I wagged my finger in Heather's face, "Just because you're my tennis partner, don't think that I can't fire you on the spot." She pushes my finger out of her face and chuckled, "Oh, you are just hot-tempered because I had beaten you last practice." I blushed slightly as I took a step back, "I-I told you that I wasn't prepared for our practice. I have a lot on my mind, you know."

Heather waved her hand carelessly, "Yes, yes, whatever you say. But what makes you think that Mr. Benson will come out here to fix your computer. He hasn't been by here for the last year. It brings back a lot of bad memories…" I raised an eyebrow, "Since when do you know so much about him?" She blushed and giggled, "I hired him to design the outline for my blog. We email now and then." I rolled my eyes before going back into my office.

In five minutes, I look up to see the door opening and Sam Puckett enter in, smiling in her usual smug attitude, "Hello, boss man." She sat down at the seat across from me and propped her feet on my desk. My nose wrinkled as I nod, "Yes, I'm glad you can come." She helps herself to my bowl of cashews and asked, "What did you want to see me about?" I show her the folder, "Kelly Fraiser died last night…A couple of weeks after we discharged her." The blonde's eyes saddened, "Oh, I see. That's too bad….I really thought that she was going to be okay." I sighed as I told her, "We released her, entirely on your recommendation."

Guilt fills her eyes as she looks away from me, "She was eating, she passed the physch evaluations with flying colors, and I thought that she was ready to leave." I folded my hands, "Sam, I understand that you're eager to give them a speedy recovery, but you know that these things take time. I think that you need to understand that." Sam groaned as she looked up to the ceiling, "I already blame myself. I don't need your judgment."

I sighed as I ran my fingers through my hair, "I hate to do this-" She looks back to me, "Do what?" I sighed, "Well, you must know…I was considering you for a promotion. To be on the board of directors for the Academy…But, I believe you need more experience." I see her latch her hands on to the arms of the chair, like she wants to crush it. I knew that Sam had…issues with her emotions, but she kept them under control.

"Think of this as a learning experience, Sam," I said, trying to calm her, "You need to understand that there are always consequences to every action. You have to think things through and follow them out in the correct manner." Sam nodded, not speaking. "If you show to me that you're qualified for the job over this semester, then I will consider a promotion," I said, hoping that would please her.

"Who the hell are you to boss me around like this?" Sam muttered, glaring at me. I sit up in my chair, "Well, I am your boss-" Sam interrupted me, "You didn't know Carly. You didn't see her slip away. The only reason you're involved in this school is because it makes you look good." I narrowed my eyes as I got down to her level, "If it weren't for me, this school wouldn't be here. You needed my investment and my leadership or you wouldn't have gotten this school off the ground. And what do you know about how I felt about Carly? She was one of the most brilliant and talented girls I ever met and I too mourned her loss."

Sam stood up and sighed, "I'm going back to my class. I have work to do." I nodded, "Fine, you're dismissed." She left the office, slamming the door behind her. I sighed as I looked back to my files. I heard the door opening once again. Heather walked into my office, "I emailed Mr. Benson, no response. Usually he's at his laptop 24/7." I rolled my eyes and responded sarcastically, "He might have one of those delightful little things called a life." She shrugged before sitting down on my desk. "Heather…what are you doing?" I asked, a tad confused. "Nothing," she quickly said before scurrying out, closing the door behind her.

Women are perplexing creatures. You can never tell what they are thinking.

I sighed as I closed my eyes, remembering Carly. She was the most gifted, funniest, smartest, most brilliant girl I ever met. She had so much potential and she threw it away. Six months, she hid her secret from her friends and family. Then Freddie found out about it. Spencer had taken her to one of those generic hospitals in hopes she would get better. All they did was fatten her up and gave her anti-depressants. After two weeks, they kicked her out. After a few days, she returned to her self-starvation, able to convince others that she was fine.

She died five months later, two weeks after her father's death. I, of course, wasn't invited to her funeral, but I attended anyway. Along with thousands of iCarly fans that wanted to mourn the lost of the greatest star on the Internet, I snuck into the memorial service. I gave one last look to Carly before they closed the casket and buried her. I like to think that I was in love with her, but I figured that I was just infatuated. Most teens are, especially the younger ones.

However, I still have dreams of her, of her being alive. That she would have grown up to be a gorgeous woman with an acting career. I admired her, I worshiped her. She had so much talent and I was jealous of that. If only I had been kinder to her, maybe if we became friends, I would have seen the signs. I would have prevented this. Maybe, she would have lived. She would have felt the same way I have…We would have fell in love, she would have shared her talent with the whole world. I would have married her. She would have become Mrs. Nevel Papperman….

_^^ Next chapter will be one of my favorites. I cannot wait to write it and show it to you. ^^ Please review and add to alerts and favorites._


	6. Lovers Quarrel

_I'm so happy that "A Darkened Mind" is on the favorite's list for two people now. ^^ Sure it may not be a lot to you guys, but to me, it's like a thousand._

_To My Reviewers:_

_**robbie84**: Seddie is practically canon. It's only a matter of time when the producers see that and make it official._

_**mckgb**: Thank you for your review. ^^ I really appreciate it. I always saw Freddie as a pretty submissive guy. Whenever he voices his own opinion, Carly and Sam are there to shoot him down. Like in iMeetFred, for example. That makes him easily susceptible to dominant and controlling personalities. As for Ms. Benson, I haven't revealed any information about her so it's one of the many mysteries in the story. And kudos for you, yes Gibby is going to be involved in the story. The points of views will bounce around from character to character. As for your questions: Maybe. I doubt there will be any deaths._

**Chapter Six: Lovers Quarrel**

The rest of the day went by quickly, though I couldn't wait for three o'clock. The bell rang and the girls went to their rooms or after school clubs. I pack up my things and get Freddie's laptop before locking the classroom and leaving it. I stop by Spencer's classroom. I walked in, "Hey, it's Sam, are you still here?" He looked up at me and smiled, "Yeah…" He is looking at a bunch of papers that were splattered with paint. I walked over to him. "What is the purpose of this?" I asked. "I asked them to pick a color and paint a picture only using that color. One of our physiologists said that colors show their state of mind. I think this class is doing better than my last one."

I sighed as I leaned against the wall, "…Remember Kelly?" Spencer looked up at me again, "The cheery, tall girl that you released? Yes, I remember her. How is she?" I looked back at him, "She's dead." His face falls and he stood up. He put his hand on my shoulder and pulled me into a hug, "I'm so sorry. I know that you got close to her…" I hugged him back, leaning against his chest, "I feel so awful…But that's not the worst part…That nub Nevel was going to offer me a promotion, but because of this, he won't give it to me."

"I'm sorry, Sam," was all he had to say as he let go of me. "…I'm going home, I'll see you tomorrow," I said, leaving the room. "Later, Sam!" he yells before returning to his work. I walked down the hallway and out of the Academy. I got on the bus and took out my cell phone. I called the apartment…Ring…Ring…Ring…

"Hello?" I hear Freddie answering. I smiled, "Hey, Freddie, I'm on the way home. Do you want me to pick up something from McDonalds or are you cooking tonight?" I hear him pause a bit before saying, "I'll cook tonight." I hear a woman laughing in the background. I narrow my eyes in suspicion, "Freddie, who was that?" He hesitated again and said, pausing, "I'm…orry, we're….breaking up, I c-…hear you. Bye. I –ove you." He hung up. I growled before shutting my cell phone.

Who was that woman?! Why was she with Freddie? Is that whore trying to steal my man? Questions ravage my brain and as soon as the bus stopped at the stop, I got off it. I briskly walked into the apartment and ran up the stairs, not even willing to wait for the elevator. I soon realize how stupid that was, considering our apartment was on the tenth floor. I shake the thought away as I got to the apartment. I unlock the door and walked inside. I faintly smell the scent of spaghetti and meatballs. One of my favorite meals….

Freddie always made that when he felt like I was angry with him. "I'm home," I yelled as I set my purse and his laptop on the coffee table. I search around. No sight of a woman. Perhaps I was just imagining things. "Hey, Sam," Freddie smiled as he left the kitchen and walked over to me. He kissed me softly. I poked his forehead, "Hey, baby, did you have a good day?" He nodded before returning to the stove, "Yeah…The new landlady came to visit…" I glanced up at him as I sat down at the kitchen table, "New landlady?" Freddie nodded, "Yeah. Our old one died and she's taking over. Her name is Vivian Alto. She's a nice woman." I asked as I prop my feet on the table, "..Is she pretty?" He glanced at me, "Yes, she is." He then added hastily, "Not as pretty as you, though." I smiled at that, "You're sweet."

Freddie sets the meal on the table and gets out two plates and silverware. He sets it on the table before sitting down. "Babe, you forgot something," I remark, looking at him. "I did?" He asked, looking up, perplexed. "The sauce," I said, pointing it out. "Oh, sorry," He said, getting up and getting the sauce. He poured it on the spaghetti and sat down again. I cleared my throat. "What now?" He asked, a tad of exasperation in his voice. I glared at him, "Drinks." He groans before standing up and going to the refrigerator. Like I was asking him to do something tiresome.

I stood up and followed him. He opened the refrigerator, looking around for the drinks. I took the refrigerator door and slammed it against his right side. The force was enough to push him against the side of the other door. He cried out in pain before looking at me. "I ask you to do really simple things," I said as I grabbed his collar and pulled him close to me. He winced as he looked back at me. His face is still messed up from last night. I sighed before kissing him softly. I pulled away, "I know you're not stupid, stop acting like you are." Freddie looked down and nodded, numbly. I let go off him, "And put some antiseptic on your eye. I don't want it to get infected." He nodded again before getting the drinks. He got two sodas and set them on the table. I sit back down and start eating. He picked at his food. He didn't look hungry.

"So, how was work?" Freddie said, smiling at me. Everything was back to normal within thirty seconds. I sighed, "Well, Kelly Fraiser died." His eyes widened, "Oh, God, I'm sorry…That's awful…What did she died of?" I groaned as I sipped my soda, "What do you think? She starved herself to death." Freddie remarked, "Well, you said that she was cured…." I grab on to the can of soda tighter, "I am fully aware of that. I made a mistake, why do people keep mentioning that?" I recognize the anger in my voice growing. Freddie's eyes look apprehensive. He looks down and eats his spaghetti. I eat my meal, still agitated. It also doesn't help that Parmesan that I like with my meatballs is lacking. "You know, Freddie, this could almost pass as edible, but without Parmesan, it's yet another one of your culinary abortions," I said, calmly as I set my fork down. I then take my plate and throw it at the wall. "Now, clean that up!" I shout, needing to vent. Freddie winced, "Sam, I don't like it when you yell, you know that."

That officially sets me off. I growl as I leap from my seat and lunge across the table to his throat. I wrap my hands around his throat and press my thumbs against the neck. He cried out, trying to grab my wrists and pull me of him. I roll my eyes and got off the table, letting him go. He gasps as he pants for air. I look down at my shirt and see it stained with sauce. I swear under my breath before going to bedroom for a new shirt.

I took my shirt off and pick a new one out of my closet. I look at the mirror and I see my eyes. My angry eyes. They terrify me. I shake my head, wondering why I was scared of them. I put the dirty shirt in the clothes hamper, reminding myself to tell Freddie to take them down to the laundry room on the second floor. I go into the kitchen and I am saddened by what I see.

Freddie is sitting on the floor, hands covering his eyes. There's bruising already forming on his throat. He's crying, but it's hoarse and raspy. I walked over to him, my shoes making sounds on the tiled floor. Freddie tensed up and lets his hands fall down. He looked up at me; his beautiful eyes are filled with such fear. True, undying fear. He scrambles to clean up the mess I made. I watch him for a while before grabbing his hand. He stops immediately and looked at me. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into a strong embrace. He is limp in my arms, neither accepting nor rejecting the hug. I kiss him softly, "Freddie, I love you." He looked up me, "…Sam, I-"

I put a finger to his lips, "I'm sorry for hurting you, I don't mean to…It's just that I get so stressed out and little things tick me off. You know that." He nodded, "Yes, I know." I kiss his forehead and let go of him, "Why don't you take the laundry downstairs and I'll fix us a pie?" He smiled softly, "Banana cream?" I grinned, "Of course." He nodded as he went into the bedroom to get the laundry. I finish cleaning up. Another day is ending.

_Thank you for reading._


	7. A Shining Example Of A Righteous Act

_**Spoiler Alert!!!!**_

_So I watched iTwin and I have to say that I'm shocked and stunned and appalled and bewildered. It's an anticlimax to Seddie fans everywhere! And more importantly I have good news that since Sam and Melanie are estranged than I doubt she will have a lot of impact on "A Darkened Mind". Or maybe I could use this to my advantage. (*evil laugh montage*) So, my readers, I wish you the best and that each day is a perfect day._

_**End Spoiler Alert!!!!!**_

_To My Reviewers: _

_**Number1NathanKFa**__n: Thank you mucho grande. ^^ Keep reading._

_**mckgb**__: As for the chapter title, what I meant by "Lovers Quarrel" is to show how small things like Freddie forgetting the drinks can start a chain of events that lead up to the assault and battery that you speak of. Yes it's true that situations like these lead to something worse…including death._

_**Anonymous Reviewer**: Yes it is sad, and I really see it happening_ _to Sam and Freddie's relationship. Maybe a 60% chance._

_**Karlarockangel**: Thank you very much. ^^ This is probably my favorite chapter so far._

_**what lurks beneath**: No worries about your computer. ^^ Things will be sorted out, I'm sure. Vivian and Jackson will play a bigger role as time goes along. As for the question about the chapter title, see what I wrote to mckgb. I just observe Sam's behavior and Freddie's reactions and I'm able to picture how they would react to the situations like these. It's smoother that way._

**Chapter Seven: A Shining Example of A Righteous Act**

I sung softly as I gathered up the laundry. "Jackson, lock the door when I leave," I call out before leaving the apartment. "Yes, Mom!" I heard him yell before closing the door and locking it behind me. I walked down to the elevator and press 2. I tap my foot as I wait for the elevator.

Most of my tenants are young couples in love, on their way to the house with the 2.5 kids and a white picket fence. None of them are particularly interesting. Only Freddie Benson caught my attention. He was such a charming person, funny and serious at the same time. He also warmed up to Jackson. It turns out that they both love cameras and filming. Jackson is so shy and he barely talks, but within twenty minutes, Freddie got him talking a mile a minute. We talked for a few hours before he got a phone call. He answered it and I checked the clock while he left. It was time for Jackson's violin lesson, so I announced our leave once Freddie got off the phone. Freddie sighed in relief (I think it was relief) and said his goodbye. Jackson and I left to our own apartment on the sixth floor.

The elevator dings and it opens. I see Freddie in the elevator, carrying a little bit of laundry in a hamper. He looked at me and smiled, "Oh, hey, Vivian." His voice is kind of raspy. I walked into the elevator, "Hello, Freddie." I stand next to him and I can't help but notice the red marks on his neck. I tilt my head in puzzlement, "Hey, Freddie, is your neck okay?" He puts his hand on his throat, "Oh, well, you see, I tripped and fell on the coffee table. My throat knocked against the side." I asked, concerned, "Does it hurt?" Freddie shrugged, "Not as much as you would think it would…It'll be fine by tomorrow." I smiled softly, "Good, I don't like people to be in pain." There's a short silence before Freddie asked, "Where's Jackson?" I answered, "He's up in the apartment, doing his homework. He's having trouble with adding double digits." Freddie said, after a moment's silence, "…Sam's working late tomorrow, why don't you let me help him out?" I looked up at him and smiled, "Really? That would be nice. You can come over tomorrow around four and-" He interrupts me, "Um, that can't work. Why don't you bring him over to my apartment?" I shrugged, "Sure." It didn't really matter to me, so I didn't press the issue.

The elevator stopped on the second floor and we got out. We walked down the hallway to the laundry room. He goes to one of the three washers and begins his load of laundry. I go to the other one and start my own. "So, what's Sam like?" I asked, curious. "Well, she's protective, imaginative, aggressive in some ways, brave, smart, carefree," Freddie said, going on and on in the lovesick admiration. I keep myself from laughing. He's so cute when he rambles.

"…and I think the most I like about her is her sense of humor," He finishes up. I chuckled, letting the laughs out. "What's so funny?" He asked, looking at me. "You're like a giddy schoolboy on his first date….It's adorable," I said, blushing. "Uh, well, I, thank you I guess," Freddie said, his face warming up. I giggled before returning to my laundry. Usually I'm not like this, but when I'm talking with Freddie, I can't hold anything back.

I look back to Freddie and notice him putting in a white blouse that's nearly colored in a red substance. I raise an eyebrow in curiosity before going back to the laundry. I watch the clothes turn and tumble as the water swishes them around. Since Freddie's load was lighter, he was able to finish quicker. He put the clothing in the dryer and all I could hear was the sound of the machine. "Where's Jackson's father?" I hear Freddie ask. I turn and find him next to me. He looks at me, "If it's too personal, you don't have to answer. I'll understand." I sighed as I looked down and crossed my arms, "He's dead. Last month was the first anniversary…" Freddie looked at me, compassionately, "I'm sorry…Did Jackson take it hard?" I shook my head, "No, he wasn't that close to his father. Well, since he's died, he hasn't slept well for a long time. He's turning into an insomniac. But like I said, no problems other than that. "

Freddie nodded as he leaned against the wall, "My dad died five years ago. He wasn't really around when I was growing up, so I guess I can relate." I go over to the wall and leaned next to him, "He wasn't a good father anyway. I mean, he loved Jackson, but he wasn't involved in his life. I was the one that Jackson was close with." Freddie looked down and ran his fingers through his hair, "My mother dominated my life, so I can't imagine not being involved in my kid's life. I mean, I won't smother them like she did to me, but I'll be there for them." I glanced at him, "So…you've thought about having kids?" Freddie said, nervous, "Well, yeah, I mean, who hasn't?"

I asked as I go to take the laundry out of the washing machine and into the dryer, "So, are you?" Freddie said, going to tend to his own laundry, "Well, Sam wants to wait awhile, when she establishes her career, maybe…" I looked at him, "What about you?…What do you want?" He stops doing what he's doing and he stares out into space, in thought. He answers after a few minutes, "It doesn't matter." I walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder, "Freddie, surely you have an opinion…" He pulled away from me and puts the laundry into the hamper, "Well, of course, everyone has an opinion." I persisted, "Well, voice you opinion. Tell Sam how you feel. I mean, what's the worse that could happen?" I kind of laugh it off.

But by the look on his face, I know that he doesn't find it funny.

Freddie took the hamper and walked out of the laundry room, "See you and Jackson tomorrow, Vivian." He walked over to the elevator and pushed the button. He immediately got on and left. I sighed and leaned against the wall, "Stupid Vivi…Stupid, stupid, stupid…" I then hear a soft ring tone. I pulled out my cell phone and I saw that I got a text. I opened my phone and read the text.

_Hey, are you going to come tomorrow?_

I smiled. I knew who it was from. I text back.

_Of course. I'll come during my lunch break._

I'll tell him about Freddie. He'll tell me how to handle this. However, even though he's my best friend in the entire world, knowing his way of handling things, I'll probably get no where close to learning about Freddie. I chuckled as I get the clothes out of the dryer and put them in the basket. I walk over to the elevator and get another text. I get the phone out and read it.

_Perfect. I got a cancellation for my twelve o'clock appointment._

I grinned and put the phone back in my pocket. I push the button to the elevator and wait for the elevator. Freddie intrigues me. I want to speak to him more, to learn everything there is to know about him. _If only he was single…_I think as I got on the elevator. However, I wasn't going to go down that road again. Never again.

I get off on the sixth floor and go to my apartment. Jackson's at the kitchen table, finishing up his homework. "Hey, I'm home," I said as I put the laundry up. Jackson just nods as he puts the worksheets in his folder. "Oh, Mr. Benson is going to be helping you out with your homework tomorrow." Jackson smiled at that, "Oh…" I can tell that he is excited. And I can tell that Freddie is eager as well. And I am, too.

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	8. Awaiting The Sensation

_Here we go with chapter eight and I have a question. I am considering a side story dealing with Spencer, and what do you guys think about it? State your feelings in the review and I'll render my final decision. Oh, and warning, kiddies, at the end of the chapter there will be some sexual themes. Nothing pornographic, it's safe enough to be broadcast on TV like Lifetime and TNT. _

_To My Reviewers:_

_**Number1NathanKFan**__: There will be many more chapters and probably a sequel. As long as there will be at least one person who loves my stories and keeps on reviewing, I will quench their thirst. ^^_

_**Mckgb**__: A gold star for you, but be warned, it's never as it seems to be. Sam let him out to the laundry room, she trusts him enough to do that. I understand, that's why I put the spoiler alert on it._

_**Robbie84**__: iTwin made me really sad. T_T, yet I can use Melanie to my advantage in many ways. _

_**What lurks beneath**__: Thank you. ^^ I try to make them interesting. Believe me, Vivian is going to have a big role. To tell you the truth, there will be some Vivian and Freddie (a pairing I like to call Veddie) in the story, but I'm not sure that it will be the end of Sam and Freddie's relationship. As for the laundry room, Sam let him go down there because she trusts him enough to stay within the apartment building. _

**Chapter Eight: Awaiting The Sensation**

I grab my briefcase and I lock up the classroom around five o'clock. It's beginning to rain outside I noticed as I walked out of the school. The drizzling precipitation hits my hair and forehead as I go down the sidewalk. I don't really like rain. I quickly hailed a cab and got into it, "The Seattle Apartments on Donavon Avenue." The driver nodded and sped down the road. I was so happy that I decided not to walk home and save the money. The rain is growing harder and it's difficult to see, even with the windshield wipers.

Relief surged through me as I pulled out my cell phone. I pressed 3 on speed dial. I waited for an answer. "Hello?" I heard my best friend answer. "Hey, Socko," I said, running my hands through my hair. "Oh, hey, Spencer, I got your email. Congratulations, my friend. You're tying the knot, finally," Socko said, his voice full of happiness. I grinned as I sat back, "Yeah, well, I love her. She's everything to me." Socko chuckled as he said, "Well, I better go, the missus is out and I have to tend to our brood." I nodded, "Oh, yes, the triplets, tell them their uncle Spencer said hi." Socko replied, "Of course, you and Angela should come by and have dinner with us tomorrow." I nodded, "Sure, I'll ask. Catch you later, man." I hung up and waited for the short ride to end.

Angela had been married before, but it wasn't true love. She realized that when she met me, that's what she told me. She divorced her husband for me, and I was touched that she would do that to be with me. She was so much like me. Free spirited, spontaneous, funny, smart, and a brilliant artist. She was also compassionate about her work. She was a worker at the Abuse Hotline Center in Seattle. She often worked overtime; consoling abused women and helping them get the courage to come forward. They wrote a story about her in the paper. I was so proud of her….

I then begin thinking of Sam and Freddie. I loved them like they were my own sister and brother. I watched their love blossom from day one. Imagine my surprise when I found out that not only did they not hate each other anymore, they were going out. I just smiled, knowing that it was obvious that they had a love-hate relationship. Carly was happy for them, but I think she was just happy that Freddie finally gotten over her. Sam and Freddie did the whole thing. Love notes, talking on the phone until 3:00 A.M., chocolates on Valentine's Day, and they even went to the prom. Well, it was more like Sam crashed the prom and whisked Freddie to places unknown. Sometimes Sam picked on him, but that was in her nature. Besides, Freddie didn't seem to mind it that much.

The taxi stopped in front of my apartment building. I pulled out my wallet and I paid the man. I got out of the taxi and walked inside the building. I walked down the hallway to my apartment. I opened the door and yelled out, "Honey, I'm home!" I am instantly greeted by a bear hug as I walked through the door.

Angela looked up at me, her eyes full of light. She is a tall woman, almost as tall as me. Her red hair is wavy and often spotted with paint. Her eyes are a gorgeous green that remind me of the grass. She's wearing a smock over a blue long sleeved shirt and jeans. The only thing that accents her bare feet is the purple nail polish. Her fingers are long and slender. Each nail is coated with a different color; Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, purple, black, white, and clear. The only ring she wore was the sparkling diamond ring on her left finger.

"I'm glad you're back, Spencer, I missed you," Angela said, wrapping her arms around me tighter. "I'm glad to be back," I said, feeling my chest slowly crush. I gently pushed her off and set down my briefcase, "So, what's for dinner?"

As if on cue, the smoke alarm in the kitchen begins blaring. "Hold on!" Angela said, running to the kitchen. I laughed and followed her. Angela turned the oven off and opened the door to it. Smoke overcame the both of us. Coughing, Angela pulled out the pan. She kicked the door closed and put the pan on the counter. She and I waved the smoke out of the way. The pan was filled with a darkened hard solid. Angela sighed, "Sorry, Spencer…" I waved my hand carelessly, "Don't worry about it, Angela. By now, I'm used to your cooking." She took out a knife and began stabbing the solid, hoping to cut it. That only causes me to laugh more. "Don't laugh," Angela giggled. I smiled as I picked up a cookbook on the counter. The recipe on it was: Mozzarella, Prosciutto, and Tomato.

Italian foods are usually the ones that end up smoldering in the kitchen so I'm not surprised. "Um, maybe we should order pizza," Angela sighed, giving up. "Don't worry about it," I said, opening the refrigerator door. I pulled out some peanut butter and jelly, "I'll make sandwiches." Angela nodded as she went into the bedroom. I made the sandwiches, whistling softly. Angela came back into the kitchen, smock-free. She sat down at the kitchen table. I handed her a plate and sat down at the table with mine. "How romantic," Angela teased. "PB&J, fluorescent lights, and smoke. How's that not romantic?" I teased back. We began eating. Personally I would have preferred pizza, but I was saving every cent for the wedding. I wanted it to be everything that Angela wanted, because she deserved it.

"So, Angela, who do want to invite?" I asked, making a mental note to invite her friends. "I don't want to invite anyone. I want it to be an intimate ceremony and I don't know anyone who I consider "intimate", outside you of course," Angela said, licking the jelly off her lips. "Really? Don't you have girlfriends or something?" I asked, confused. "Most of them stopped talking to me when I divorced Tom," Angela sighed. "Oh, I'm sorry," I said, feeling guilty. She smiled up at me, "Don't be sorry. I'd rather have no friends and you than to have a thousand friends and be with Tom." I smiled back and continued eating. I felt bad about stealing Angela away from Tom, even though I didn't even know the guy. But Angela told me that she would have divorced him anyway. They had become unable to coexist with each other over time. She told me that he was some big corporate mogul who had no taste for fine art. I asked her, one time, why she married him in the first place. Angela said that she thought it would be exciting to be with someone who had different views than her.

I knew that Angela was an orphan with no real family, so I didn't bother to ask her if she wanted them to come. Angela told me that they died in a fire when she was sixteen and she was never really close to them to begin with. She never really talked about her childhood and I didn't press her. "Oh, Angela, Socko wants us to have dinner with him and his wife tomorrow," I said, remembering the invitation. "Sure. That sounds like fun," Angela said, nodding. She and Socko got along great, ever since I introduced the two. She fell in love with his kids on sight and often babysitted for them when Socko was at work.

We quickly end the meal and Angela and I go to living room. We sat down to watch TV for a bit. Angela was curled up against me on the couch. I stroked her hair softly, knowing that this was how it needed to be. I was supposed to be here with this unique woman and nothing to separate us. Our wedding was the end of the month, two weeks from now. On Saturday, I was going to order everything and make out all the invitations. It was hard to believe that all this was happening. I sighed in contentment, wishing Carly was there to be our flower girl. Carly would have been so happy that she was going to have a sister-in-law. She always wanted another girl in our family…

Angela distracts me from my thoughts by kissing me deeply. I kissed her back, pulling myself on top. She ran her fingers through my hair, as our kiss becomes a tongue dance. I rubbed her sides, making her become aroused. She took off my shirt and pulled me closer to her. In return, I took off her shirt and revealed her teddy. I began kissing her neck, sucking on it gently. She moaned and wrapped her legs around mine. "Spen…Spencer, I love you," Angela said, kicking off my shoes. "I love you…more," I said, planting butterfly kisses on her arms. We said nothing more as Angela pulled a quilt on the couch over us.

An hour and a half later, we were near passed out on the couch. She is lying on top of me, eyes drooping. I kissed her forehead as she falls asleep. I was completely in bliss, thanking God for giving this beauty to me. I pulled the quilt so that it was covering her better. It was getting cold in the apartment. I soon fall asleep, listening to the sound of the TV in the background.

But soon, I will find out that Angela Carvin was not what she seemed to be and there were far more skeletons in her closet than I thought there were.

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	9. The Darkest Light

_Wow, chapter nine…You know, it took me five months to summon up the courage to put chapter one up. Now, here I am with over 11, 529 words and nine chapters going on…However long the story will be. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Nickelback's song Savin' Me._

_To My Reviewers: _

_**What lurks beneath**__: Thank you. I try to make them good because I hate flat characters. I try to put stuff like that in innocence so that way you'll forgive me for what I'm going to do soon. ^^ But don't worry, I'm not going to make it hard-core. I don't like writing what is supposed to be an intimate and private affair. I'm not sure on the chapter number; it'll probably be a high number, though. Hm, that would be an interesting topic in a chapter. Thanks for the idea. Tee-hee, I'm just a fast writer. I have the general idea of what the chapter topic is and all I have to do is add details._

**Chapter Nine: The Darkest Light**

I stretched for a while before settling in at my desk. I opened the laptop that Sam gave back to me and turned it on. I lick the bit of crème off my lips before I enter in my password and get the Internet started. Sam is in the bed, grading papers. I'm not sure how you can grade papers when what you're teaching is a physical class, but I guess that's why I'm not a teacher anymore. I looked through my email and deleted the Spam. There were only two emails left.

One from Heather Nelson, the secretary at the Carly Shay Academy. I opened it and snickered softly. Nevel wanted me to fix his computer…again. The reason he keeps getting viruses was the fact he keep opening Trojan Horses. It was his own fault and I wasn't going to keep fixing his problems. Not to mention the fact that I couldn't…

The next email was from Howard Blake, a big producer of the Elecon Studios. I had designed their website a few weeks ago. I wondered what he wanted from me now. I opened the email.

Mr. Benson, after reviewing the work you did on our site and your resume. I must say that I'm impressed. We're looking for an assistant director for a show that's scheduled to come out this spring. I think that this would be a golden opportunity for you and that this will show the world your potential. But as you know, Elecon Studios is in Miami and I understand that it is a long distance from Seattle. We are willing to pay for transportation and accommodation, though.

Contact me when you reach a decision at 305-750-6342

I blinked and smiled, softly. Yes, this would be a great opportunity. Finally, I would be getting somewhere in my career. I wanted to call this guy right now and shout, "YES!" But I'd have to move to Miami and Sam wouldn't like that one bit….I remember what Vivian said. I feel a burst of confidence flow through me. That's how I usually felt when I was around Vivian. She was just the kind of woman that had the air of someone who you felt like you have known your whole life. Infact, I was eager to have her and Jackson come over tomorrow. Hopefully, when she met Sam, my girlfriend wouldn't scare her off. I smiled, slightly. I turn in my chair and looked at Sam, "Hey, darling, I got a job offer…" Sam looked up from her papers and looked at me, "…What do you mean?" I got up from the chair and sat next to her on the bed. "Howard Blake wants me to be an assistant director for a show. He wants me to transfer to Miami," I explained, staring at Sam to see her reaction.

Sam snorted as she returned to her papers, "Hn, he expects us to leave from the city we grew up in and move across the country and leave everything else behind. Funny…" I sighed, looking down. "…You told him "no", didn't you?" Sam asked, looking back at me. "Well, Sam, no I didn't. I want to do this. I understand that it would be hard for you, but I'm tired of designing websites, you know my true passion is for the camera," I explained, feeling more confident by the second. Hn, perhaps, this "telling Sam how I feel" thing will work out for me. Maybe Vivian was right.

A sudden punch to the face makes those thoughts go away. The energy from the punch is strong enough to force me to the floor. I groaned as I got up. My nose was throbbing and I could taste the blood dripping down from it. I grabbed a tissue and wiped the blood off, sighing softly. I looked up to see Sam staring at me. "I'm not going to hot-as-hell Miami just so you can be an assistant director. You'll probably screw it up and waste our time," Sam said in a condescending manner.

I glared at her, there was still confidence in me, "Oh would you just shut up?! The only reason you don't want to go is because you have a dead-end job and you don't want to lose it. I thought that you would be happy for me, Sam! But you're just jealous." Sam's eyes light up in surprise. I hadn't stood up for myself like that…ever. And of course, Sam wasn't going to have that.

In a split second, I find myself under Sam as she straddles me. She ran her fingers down my arms, causing long cuts that begin to bleed. She punched me again and got off me. She threw me against the wall and watched me crumple like a rag doll. Sam walked out of the room calmly and I knew what was going to happen. When Sam's in a rage, it doesn't last long, but it hurts. However, when she's just plain angry with me, it lasts for hours. Pain, torture, humiliation, all wrapped up in my personal nightmare.

Sam returns with a butcher knife and a saltshaker. I sighed, knowing this punishment very well. I take off my shirt and got on my hands and knees. The more submissive I am, the sooner this will end and I can tend to the wounds before they get infected. I know what you're thinking and don't you dare judge me….I already do enough of that on my own.

Sam walks over to me, her eyes full of distaste and apprehension. I tensed up, preparing for the pain. Sam starts to sing, her voice is beautiful and calm like a Greek siren. She sung our song, "Savin' Me" by Nickelback. She once told me that she picked that one because I saved her from going down a road of a violent criminal. That was years ago, yet I remember it so well.

Sam begins the process by taking the knife and making small cuts on my back. She opened old wounds and made new ones. I'm sure that my back is decorated with scars to the point that I have little flawless flesh left. I winced and cried out a few times, but I was mostly silent. I needed the strength to keep my mind conscious. It lasts for what seemed like an eternity. But by judging the clock, it was only half an hour. She's being generous tonight.

Sam then picks up the saltshaker and opens it. I tense up as much as I can and close my eyes. Sam then pours the salt into my wounds, causing a blinding, searing pain enough to force a scream out of me. She watched me, her eyes amused by my pain. The physical damage is over with. Pain like this comes and goes. It's the psychological torture that lasts. The degradation and self-loathing that stays with you for weeks is something that I would trade all the physical pain in the world to avoid.

"Are you sorry?" Sam asked, sitting down. "Yes, I am, Sam," I whispered, opening my eyes to stare at the carpet like it was the most interesting thing in the world. "Good boy," Sam said, standing up. I watched her collect the knife and saltshaker. She left the room for a few moments. I quickly let some tears fall before Sam could notice. I wipe them away before she could see me. I hate it when people see me cry.

Sam soon comes back and sits down in front of me. She said, softly, "I'm just trying to protect you, Freddie, from making a fool out of yourself. You're not talented enough to do something like this, don't you get that? Remember when you were teaching? You couldn't take the pressure and ended up quitting, I don't want that to happen again." I nodded, numbly. Sam then continued, "And I really don't want you to yell at me, because you act like you have it so bad. Just get over yourself because no one will ever love you except me. You know that, I know that." I nodded in agreement, knowing what she said was true.

Those few sentences are enough to destroy the small amount of sense of worth I had tried to build up. I don't even notice that Sam had gotten back onto the bed and resumed grading papers. She pats the space next to her, beckoning me to come and lay down next to her, but I don't respond. I finally stand up and go into the bathroom. I looked into the mirror and stared at myself. I wrinkle my nose in disgust and I go to open the medicine cabinet. But then, I stop myself. Since when did I ever thought of myself as ugly? I mean, I'm not super handsome and attractive, but since when do I go to this extreme? I close the bathroom cabinet and looked into the mirror. My nose had stopped bleeding. My wounds from the other night were healing nicely. I look at myself deeper. I'm pale, an ivory color. My face is thin, gaunt. It's probably because I haven't been eating a lot lately. I just don't have a real appetite recently.

I closed my eyes, not wanting the image in my head. I know what you're thinking. That I'm weak to let Sam do this to me. It's not that. It's just that Sam has a lot of problems and at least she's not doing this to herself. I would die before I let any harm come to Sam. Besides, I'm used to it. It's not like she's abusing me or anything. She's really sweet afterwards and I can tell that she loves me. She just has a hard time expressing her feelings and what kind of boyfriend would I be if I would leave her just because she has a problem with her temper?

I sighed as I went back into the bedroom. I sat down at my laptop, thinking over what was going over in my mind. Sighing, I made my decision and googled what I was looking for. I finally found it and I smiled, looking at it. I took out my credit card and ordered it. It would arrive in a week. It would be perfect timing. Yes, this would solve everything. We could start fresh and I won't have to worry about this anymore. I then close the window of the picture. Yes, it was an exquisite engagement ring that Sam would absolutely love.

I then feel hands on my shoulders and I look up to see Sam massaging my shoulders. "Hey, what were you looking at?" Sam asked. "Oh, nothing," I said, shutting the computer down. "Come to bed," Sam said, leading me to the bed. I smiled as I got under the covers with her. I held her for a while, kissing her lips and letting her nuzzle up under my chin. Sam soon falls asleep and starts to snore quietly. I couldn't help but chuckle. I mean, she was so cute when she was sleeping. I then feel the need to show her that I really did love her, but I couldn't. We haven't had sex yet because I had a belief that you should stay a virgin until marriage. Sam believed you should have sex when you're ready and in love. So, she agreed to wait until I was ready to get married.

Another average day is finishing.

_^^ And next chapter will be number ten. Yay!_


	10. The First Circle

_Here we are, chapter ten. Thank you guys for reading. "A Darkened Mind" is nearing a thousand hits. I'm so happy. ^^ I'd like to share some ideas with you guys._

_For every ten chapters, there will be a collection of entries from Carly's diary._

_I was also thinking of a little contest. I know there are some artists out there and I was wondering if you could draw a scene from "A Darkened Mind" and I will put them all together in an album for Deviant Art, honoring you guys as well. Good idea or not?_

_To My Reviewers:_

_**Robbie84**__: Thank you for the sympathy. Truth is things like this happen everyday in relationships around the world. I've been doing research on this and the statistics will shock you. Keep on reading, my friend. _

**Chapter Ten: The First Circle**

_Dear Diary,August 1__st__, 2009_

_My brother, Spencer, gave you to me two months ago and I haven't even thought of you since. Now, that something exciting has happened, I must write it down. That way, if I ever doubt it happened, I would have this as proof. First off, my best friends, Sam and Freddie, are now officially boyfriend and girlfriend. I have been suspicious for the last two weeks. You see, Sam usually teases Freddie and makes his life miserable. But starting around July 17, she stops messing around. In fact, they were joking and talking whenever I saw them. I even caught them playing footsie at Groovy Smoothie, where we hang out. Sam and Freddie finally told me today. They said that they waited to make sure that this was both what they wanted. I had to say that I was surprised, since Freddie is in love with me and all. I wonder if this was just a way to make me jealous. No it couldn't be. Freddie's not that kind of guy. I have to say that deep down, I'm really happy for them. I can tell that they care about each , _

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,August 2__nd__, 2009_

_OMG!!!! You won't believe what happened today. It was so romantic, I almost want to cry. Even though it didn't happen to me. XD Freddie wrote a love letter to Sam and she showed it to me. It was so sweet and loving. Kind of like the letter that some fantasy guy would write. You know, the "too good to be true" type of guy. Sam paid Freddie back by buying him a new cell phone to replace the one that she destroyed a few weeks ago. Well, it was more of she "borrowed" the money from me and bought the phone with it. But she swore me to secrecy, so I didn't tell Freddie. We shot our iCarly show today and Sam announced her newfound relationship with Freddie. The poor guy was blushing enough to be mistaken for a tomato. It was cute. Anyway, I got to tell you about this super hot guy that is my lab partner. His name is Seth Rodgers. Oh, he is so funny and smart. And he looks just like Robert Pattinson from Twilight. I think that I fell in love with him on the spot. I think that love's in the air, even though it's not spring. _

_Love, Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,August 13__th__, 2009_

_I'm sorry that I haven't written in awhile. I've been pretty busy. I started running in the park every morning before school to get rid of the few pounds I have. I also have a lot of homework and I'm pretty beat by the time I'm through. Not to mention I have iCarly to do on top of that. And make sure the lovebirds don't get into any trouble. I must say that Sam's becoming a bad influence on Freddie. She actually convinced him to cut class to go out with her to get Portuguese fast food. I have to say that I'm jealous. Not of Sam, but of her relationship. I wish that I had someone like she has Freddie. Seth hasn't shown any interest in me other than friendship. I think he likes this super skinny girl that sits next to him in Algebra. Her name is Laura or Lauren or something like that. She has no curves, but she has a hell of a personality. Oh, I have to cut this entry short, Sam needs me_

_Love, Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,August 17__th__, 2009_

_I can't believe this. Seth asked Laurie out. Right in front of me. That nub. I don't know what I saw in him anyway. He's arrogant and stupid. And as my love life dwindles, Sam and Freddie's blossom. They're celebrating their one-month anniversary by spending the day together. Just the two of them. Freddie skipped school to go with her to the Water Waves Amusement Park. It's weird, not seeing Sam messing with him and Freddie not trying to get back at her. I also miss Freddie's advances. I realized how much I wanted to be loved and noticed. Ms. Benson was getting concerned about Freddie cutting class and threatened to ground him many times. Freddie was beginning to stand up to his mother, which was nice. Sam gave him that boost of confidence. No one else could do that. They also flaunt their relationship anytime they get the chance. Kissing in public, holding hands, winking at each other. Ugh, it's nauseating. Freddie also leaves a rose every single morning before school taped to Sam's locker. I have to hear her gush about it for a good five minutes before I can get a word in. Hopefully things will get back to normal soon. Sam got mad yesterday because Freddie was flirting with this girl. Well, Sam said that he was flirting. I didn't know Freddie was like that. But obviously she knows him better than I do now. Till we met again_

_Love, Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,September 1__st__, 2009_

_Ha! I finally found you. I had no idea that I left you in my locker. Not a lot has changed since I last wrote. Sam and Freddie are still together, I'm still trying to get Seth's admiration (I like him again), and Spencer is sculpting. I also starting going to church. My family's not that religious so the every Sunday mass is a foreign concept to me. I go after school some days when there's no one there and read the Bible. I have a hard time believing most of it. Not to mention I have to translate it to modern terms. I don't really get what a lot of it is saying. I have a lot of time to myself since Sam and Freddie are constantly together. I mean, it's not like they don't want me around. They invite me to go to the movies with them every weekend, but I always say no. I really don't want to deal with them when they're like that. I miss the days where it was just the three of us together, best of friends. Well, I guess that's the price you pay when one of the best friends is a male. Now, if you excuse me, I have a mile to run _

_Love, Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,September 11__th__, 2009_

_This might be a silly thing to ask but do you believe in God? I think I do. I mean, there had to be something that caused all this life to happen. Yet in ways, I feel like that His everlasting love isn't so everlasting to me. I'm getting a C in Algebra. I can't concentrate because the love disease is ravaging this school. Seth and Laurie are always passing notes to each other. Even Gibby has a girlfriend. Some foreign exchanged Japanese student named Yuki. It takes all my strength not to slam my head on the table. I can't sleep a lot either. All this stuff is on my mind and I can't just focus on counting sheep. I'm not losing any weight, even though I run a mile a day. I haven't weighed myself, but I can tell. In fact, I think I've been gaining weight. I better start running two miles a day if I'm going to look good for the Homecoming Dance. Oh, someone's knocking at the door. I'll write to you later._

_Love, Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,September 11__th__, 2009_

_Okay, now I know things are getting out of hand. This is what happened._

_I answered the door. It's Freddie. I asked him if he wanted to come in. He nodded and walked into the apartment. He's wearing a hooded jacket and I can barely see his face. He sits down on the couch and stared at the ground. I quickly went to the kitchen and made some hot chocolate for the two of us. It's late, around midnight or one o'clock. I don't remember which. Freddie drinks his hot chocolate and I asked if something was wrong. He just shook his head, "No, nothing's wrong. I just wanted to drop by." I raised my eyebrow, "At one o'clock in the morning?" Freddie sighed, "I just…I didn't know where else to go." He pulled down his hood to show me his face. I nearly drop my hot chocolate. He has two black eyes, a busted lip, and scratches all over his face and even what looks like a bite wound on his cheek. There are traces of dried blood and his eyes are near bloodshot. "Oh, God, Freddie, what happened?" I said, hugging him like a friend should. "S-sam," was all he could say before he started sobbing. "Sam did this to you?" I asked, not able to believe it. "Yes," he said, calming down a bit. "What happened?" I asked, rubbing his shoulder gently._

_"Sam, she had a really bad day. She got detention, she failed a test, and her mp3 player was stolen. She was in a bad mood and I made it worse. I-I provoked her. I told her that all of that was her fault because she was being careless," Freddie whispered, sipping the hot chocolate. "That doesn't give her the excuse to hurt you like this," I told him. He doesn't say anything. "I'm going to talk to her," I said, reaching for my phone. "No!" Freddie said, pleading, "Don't tell her about this. She's not going to do it again." I sighed as I sit back down beside him, "Alright, I won't. Do you want me to get some Band-Aids or something?" Freddie shook his head as he set down his mug. "Is this the first time?" I asked, hesitantly. "You know it isn't," He responded. "I mean, since you guys started going out," I said, feeling guilty. "Yes. Usually she just twist my wrist or pushes me against the wall," Freddie said, his voice void of any emotion. I sighed as I ran my fingers through my hair, "Freddie, I can't believe that Sam would do something like this. I know her, she's my best friend. She says loves you." Freddie looked up and smiled slightly, "You…think she loves me?" I was officially confused, "She told me that she thought she beginning to love you." Freddie just blushed as he looked back down. I was torn between my best friends, not wanting to believe that Sam would do this. _

_Yes, tomorrow, I will ask her about , I'm writing in this diary noe. Freddie's asleep in my lap. I let him spend the night and he passed out instantly. I should go to sleep, too. I wonder why he doesn't fight back, but I already know the answer. He loves her and doesn't want to hurt her. I've seen enough Lifetime movies to know that much. Oh, but before I go, I want to write something down before I change my mind. I think I'm falling for Freddie._

_Love, Miss Carly Shay _

_Dear Diary,September 12__th__, 2009_

_By the time I woke up this morning, Freddie was gone. At first I was sad, but then I smelt eggs and bacon in the kitchen. I had gone inside and found him cooking breakfast. He said it was to pay me back for letting him talk to me. We ate together for half an hour, not really talking. More of accepting each other's presence. He soon left afterwards. But anyway, I talked to Sam about Freddie when she came over to my place. She denied the whole thing ever happened, even though I told her about the wounds on Freddie's face. She said they were self-inflicted and he was just looking for attention. She's my best friend; I have to stick by her. She would do the same for me. At least that's what I tell my conscience. I looked through the Bible for advice, but unfortunately there is nothing like this in there. I've pretty much given up on religion. It's done nothing at all for me. I want to believe Sam, but she's such a liar sometimes. Freddie wouldn't concoct this elaborate story on his own. He had morals. He believed in telling the truth. I can't help but to feel uneasy about this. Yet, I know things are going to be okay. Sam's a good girl deep down. She will come to her senses soon. I hope..._

_Love, MissCarly Shay_

_There ends chapter ten. Clicky the button and review and add to alerts and favorites. It'll make the world a brighter place. Tee-hee. ^^_


	11. Life's Flowering Grace

_I want to thank all the people for reading. ^^ Hugs for all! And cookies. :) And I want to congratulate you all for helping me get to over one thousand hits. Yay! More cookies. And who can't wait for iFight Shelby Marx? I think that I looked more forward to iTwin than iFight Shelby Marx, but that's because I am a Seddie fan, but anyway…_

_To My Reviewers:_

_**Robbie84:** Yes, I agree. Carly has a strong sense of loyalty to Sam and she has covered for her before. Hopefully she would have tried to help Freddie when the time counts…or not. ^^ That's the beauty of suspense. I do enjoy it._

**Chapter Eleven: Life's Flowering Grace**

I can't sleep. Well, I haven't really slept for a long time. I barely remember what to sleep means. All I have is fifteen minutes of sleep maybe five times a day. I got out of my bed, not seeing what I could accomplish by laying in my bed with the Spiderman sheets and hand-made quilt and staring at the ceiling. I hate it here. Mom said that it would be better this way, to leave New York City and manage my great-aunt's apartments. I guess that her death was a piece of good fortune for Mom, an excuse for her to move. She never really liked the city. She was born in the suburbs and it was a change she never got over. She also has a silly fear of subways. I always tease her about it whenever we get into one of our ridiculous spats.

And not to mention opening up that bakery she wanted to open. Dad wasn't really keen on letting her do that back in New York. Something about her pretty little head wasn't smart enough to manage a business. I'm not sure what he meant by that. I looked at the clock on the wall. It's 3:45 in the morning. Ha, that's kind of interesting. 3, 4, 5. I shrugged before I pulled a shirt over my chest. I went to go check on my mother. She's sleeping soundly in her own bed. I sighed as I walked back out to the living room. I'm too lazy to start a new book and nothing is on the TV. I decided to explore the apartment building. That would kill off a few hours until I could get back into bed before Mom had a chance to "wake me up" at seven.

I walk out of the apartment, close the door behind me and down the hallway. I miss my old house. I missed not having to share it with dozens of other people. I miss my small backyard and playing with Gino. That's my Great Dane that Mom gave away because there wasn't enough room in the apartment for him. He was so full of life and loyal. He wasn't that bright, but that's the deal with most big dogs. Mom gave him to a friend of hers in Albany.

In fact, I can't think of one good thing about this place except Mr. Benson. He's a good guy. A _mensh_, my father's stepmother would call him. He's funny and he likes cameras like I do and this afternoon, he's going to tutor me in math. He's nicer than the average guy and Dad would really like him. I think I miss my dad most of all. He may not have spent a lot of time with me, but he had to work. All the time with those wise guys from the Bronx. Mom never left me alone with them.

I soon find myself at a set of stairs. I walk up to the top, deciding to work my way down the building. I walked down the hallway, deciding to check out the balcony at the end of the hallway. I go to the balcony and look out to the neighborhood. The sights and sounds are so familiar, yet so different. I then look out to the moon and the stars. Mom usually points out the constellations if we look at the stars together. I smiled as I look around for them.

"Hey, kid," I heard a feminine voice say. I jump in surprise before turning around. I should have seen her before. A blonde, pretty woman is leaning over the railing, staring out at the stars. She's wearing a large T-shirt and baggy pajama pants. Her eyes seemed determined. "H-hello," I said, nervously. "Don't worry, kid, I don't bite," she said, smirking softly. She glanced at me, looking like she was sizing me up. "What's your name? I haven't seen you around here before," She commented. "My name is Jackson," I said, politely. "Sam," she said, stating her name as blunt as possible. "It's nice to meet you," I responded, going back to look at the stars. There was silence for a while.

"Bensonhurst," Sam said, finally. "What?" I asked, looking at her. "You moved her from Bensonhurst, outside of Brooklyn," Sam said, looking at the stars. "How did you know?" I asked, curious. "Your accent. I can recognize the American-Italian accent anywhere. You have a trace of Yiddish in your speech, but I can still tell," Sam responded. "Do you have relatives there?" I asked, leaning against the balcony railing. "My father moved here from there. He was only five, but he still kept that accent," Sam said. "It's a small world," I remarked, looking back to the stars. We kept quiet for a few more minutes.

"What's a kid your age doing out of bed at this hour?" Sam asked. I smiled before saying, "I could ask you the same thing." Sam chuckled before saying, "We probably have the same answer." I looked up at her, "You can't sleep, either?" Sam nodded, "Yeah…A heavy conscience does that to you…" I asked her, inquisitive, "What do you mean by that?" Sam sighed, "You're mature for your age, maybe you'll understand…Have you ever done something that really hurt the one you loved and tried to justify it?" I thought for a while before responding, "I hit my dog Gino once. Really hard. It was because I spilled some chocolate on the floor and he was going to eat it. I punched him away so he wouldn't make himself sick." I sighed, only my mother knew about that.

"I get it. In order for you to protect your dog, you had to hit him," Sam said, nodding. "Yeah, Mom says that's why we also have to put a leash on him, so that way he won't run off. It's like you have to control and hurt him so he will be safe," I said, wondering what was that expression in her eyes as I said those things. "Interesting analogy," Sam said, barely loud enough for me to hear her. "What?" I asked, curious. "Nothing," she responded. She ran her fingers through her hair, "How are you liking Seattle?" I shrugged, "It's okay…I miss New York." Sam sighed, "It must be hard to move away from your home to across the country." I sighed, trying to find the constellations. "You should get back to bed, kiddo. It is a school night, isn't it?" Sam asked. "I can't sleep. I'm have something called insomnia," I said, looking back down at the traffic below.

"You act like you're at least sixteen. What's up with that?" Sam asked, not really speaking to me. "Dad says, well said, that I was dropped on the head as a baby and it jump-started my mental maturity in some ways," I explained, looking back at her. She nodded before she down the hallway, "See you later, kid." I sighed and watched her leave. I watched the stars for a long time before going back to my apartment. I open the door and walk in.

"JACKSON GIOVANNI ALTO! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!" I heard my mother yell as I walked in. I jumped in surprise. "Bed empty, no note, door unlocked. I have no idea what to think," She ranted. She reminded me a whole lot of Mrs. Weasley from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, which is why I can't help but stifle a chuckle. "I was just about to call the police when you came in," Mom said, sitting back down in her recliner. "Mom, I was just walking through the apartment building. There is nothing else to do," I explained to her. "I just get worried about you," My mom sighed as she motioned me to come over. I walked towards her. She picks me up and holds me in her lap, which I find soothing.

"If you go out again, I want you to tell me, okay, darling?" Mom asked, stroking my red hair. "Yes, Mom," I said, obediently. "Alright…If I tell you to go back to bed, you're just going to resume roaming the halls, right?" She smiled. "After having a cookie," I said, solemnly. She laughed at that, "Alright, darling, get a cookie and get back to what you're during." I smiled before going into the kitchen. I hear Mom leave for her bedroom. I get a cookie out of the cookie jar and sit down on the couch. I eat it and sit there for a while. I then close my eyes for a moment, getting that few minutes of sleep I needed so I can function.

I woke up around six o'clock. I yawned and got off the couch. I opened the door and walked out. I walk back up to the tenth floor so I could see the sunrise. I walked down the hallway to the balcony. I stare out at the city and watch the sky slowly turn to a shade of purple and pink. My step-grandmother says that the sun is a guardian angel that God sends to keep a watchful eye on the human race. The moon is a mischievous sprite from Satan to tempt you. She said that was why most evil sins happen in the "hours of darkness". Mom wouldn't let her baby-sit me after that. She never really liked her.

I went back to the apartment after six thirty and crawled back into bed before the next half hour. You think that after a year of sleepless nights, I would be tired all the time. On the contrary, I feel more energetic than ever before. I sat up and got out of bed, deciding to get a head start on my day. I quickly got my clothes on and I put my pajamas in the hamper. I walked into the kitchen and looked through the cabinet. I got out some Fruit Loops. I then open the fridge and get out some milk. I really miss Mom's omelets but she doesn't have time to make them anymore.

I heard Mom leaving her bedroom. She stared at me, "Good morning, Jackson." I nodded in response as I ate my breakfast. She went into the bathroom and took her shower. I finished my meal and put the silverware and bowl in the sink. I sat down in the living room and watched cartoons for a bit. Mom comes back in, "Jackson, could you do me a favor?" I nodded, looking at her. "Could you take this to Mr. Benson on your way to the bus stop?" She asked, handing me a note. I nodded, "Sure." I stood up and kissed her cheek, "Bye Mom." She smiled and waved me goodbye as she makes herself breakfast, "Bye, Jack, have a good day at school. I love you." I walked out of the apartment with my backpack, "I love you too, Mom!"

I walked up to the tenth floor and I meet Sam on the way up the stairs. "Hey, kiddo," She said quickly as she walked down the stairs. "Hey…" I said, as I watched her go down. I wondered what her problem was. I went down the hallway to Mr. Benson's apartment. I knocked on the door. I waited awhile. No answer. That's weird. I shrugged before sliding the note under the door. I punched the elevator button to go down. No ding or sound of the elevator going up. I punched the button again. Nothing.

I walked downstairs to the sixth floor and opened my apartment, "Mom! The elevator is broken." Mom sighed in frustration as she nodded, "Alright, I'll take care of it later." I sighed before closing the door and running downstairs to the first floor. I went to my bus stop and waited for the school bus. I think that I even miss St. Mark's Catholic School. I still hate those nuns and having to confess to the Father every week. For once, I'm glad that Mom took me away from something. But still, it's much better than Ridgeway Elementary School. At least I was getting something out of it. They really dumb it down at public schools. My teacher is talking to my mother about having me moved up to the second grade. Like I'm not different enough already.

I got on the bus when it came and quickly grabbed a seat by this really cute black haired girl. I think I'm blushing. She has two braids and is wearing a pink jumper over a white shirt. I've seen her before, but she won't talk to me. "Boys are icky", so that's why she only talks to girls. I enjoy being icky, if it means I am who I am. I wonder why she's looking at me though.

_Thank you for reading. ^^_


	12. All Puzzles Could Never Fill The Void

_Number Twelve and still going strong. ^^ I'm thinking that it'll probably be one hundred chapters, because 100 is such a nice round number. Sorry, I'm upset that my tenth favorite series is on it's last season and the main character's favorite number is 100, so I guess it's a kind of tribute to his memory._

_To My Reviewers:_

_**Robbie84**: Yes, Sam does love Freddie. Most of what she does deals with her personality, her experiences, her childhood, and etc. It's not something she can really control._

**Chapter Twelve: All Puzzles Could Never Fill The Void**

I'm sitting on the bus, a little short of breath. I don't know why I'm like this. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I'm not sure. I guess because what I did was so calculated. Usually any violence is because of a whim, a fancy. I just see myself doing it, not really being able to control it. But this was a premeditated act. Something I thought about and allowed to happen. I pulled my hair up into a ponytail and I soon felt my phone vibrating. I sighed before I took it out. The caller i.d. was "Nub". I rolled my eyes as I answered the phone, "Yes, Mr. Papperman?" I then heard his shrill little voice, "Sam, Heather is in the hospital suffering from pneumonia and I need my blueberry crème filled donuts." I sighed. "So? Get them yourself," I said, looking out the window. "Sam, I have important matters to attend to. I can't go around town for donuts. That's why I have a secretary to begin with. I need you to get them for me," Nevel said. "So you want me get them?" I asked, groaning. "Yes," Nevel replied. "Uh, fine, I'll drop by Dunkin' Donuts and-" I was cut off by his wound up tone. "No! I will not have worthless name brand travesty. There is a new bakery at the corner of Amsterdam and Jefferson. Their donuts are the only ones I'll eat now," Nevel said, snobbishly.

"Ugh, my bus just drove past Amsterdam two minutes ago," I said, rubbing my forehead in annoyance. "Get me my blueberry crème donuts or you're fired!" Nevel said, hanging up. I sighed as hung up. I quickly got off the bus at the next stop. My irritation with the human race grew more inflamed as I walked through the puddles to Amsterdam Street. I begin to remember this morning; the memories begin to surface as a shadow casts over the sky and my mood darkens. I remember waking up to my alarm clock and going to take a shower. I remember going to wake Freddie up. He's tired, so he rejects my wake up call with a sleepy "Leave me alone…" It's cute, so I smiled and watched him sleep. I had some time to waste before I had to go to the bus stop. Sometimes Freddie talked in his sleep. That's sort of how I got the nerve to ask Freddie out all those years ago. Because of things he said when I watched him sleep one day. It was sweet and maybe one day, I'll tell him what he said about me that night.

But then, right before I got ready to leave, I heard him say something, "I miss you, Carly…" I stop and freeze. We haven't spoke about Carly in such a long time. I was always jealous of that special place that Freddie had for Carly in his heart. I felt these twangs of resentment that I haven't felt in…I don't know. Years, I guess. I walked over to the kitchen and pulled out a tea bag. I needed to calm down before I did something drastic. I pulled out a pot and filled it with water. I set it on the stove and turn it on. I watched the water boil and I began to set the tea bag in, but I hesitate. I put the bag away and I watched the water once again. I get this idea into my head. I try to argue with myself, asking myself what kind of person was I if I did this? I turn the stove off and take the pot. I walk over to the bedroom, careful not to spill it. I watched Freddie sleep for a moment and I said, "Wake up." Freddie's eyes opened as he said, drowsily, "Oh, morning, Sam…" I then dump the pot onto Freddie. The smoking water fell from the pot on to Freddie's face and upper chest area. I could see the skin instantly reddened and turn white. He instantly sits up and screams in pain. I could even hear the water scalding his skin. I then hit him in the head with the pot, not wanting him to go through the pain. He immediately loses consciousness and falls back down on the bed. I sighed as I watched the blisters form on his body and face. I began shaking and tears fell down my face as I watched him. I dropped the pot and I instantly grabbed my purse and ran out of there, locking the door behind me as usual.

I don't know why I do things like these to Freddie. It's something I've tried to figure out for a long time. I just get angry and jealous easily. Not to mention I'm possessive and obsessive. This is not new to me. I've been this way from before I could remember. My mom's the same way. But that kid I met last night, Jackson, he got to me…The things he said about controlling and punishing something in order to protect it.

Nothing had ever made more sense to me.

I stopped in front of the bakery and entered it. I am overcome by the sweet smell of donuts, bagels, and crepes. I grinned and licked my lips. I love the smell of sweet treats. I walked up to the counter and then smelled gingerbread. I love gingerbread. It reminds me of Daddy's gingerbread he made my sister and I at Christmastime. I always loved Christmas. It made the rest of the year seem like a horrid nightmare that I woke up from. I go up to the counter and ring the silver bell that sits beside the cash register. A pretty brown haired woman scurried out of the nearby kitchen and went up to the counter, "Hello, how can I help you?" I said, "I'm supposed to get my boss blueberry crème donuts, but can you put something in them that will make his face puff up?" I asked. The woman laughed a while before asking, "You work for Nevel Papperman?" I nodded, "Yeah, how did you know?"

The woman said, "Well, this girl has been in my bakery every day around this time getting blueberry crème donuts. After a while, I found out who it was for." She got four donuts from the display case. She put them in a box and wrapped it with a red bow. "That will be three dollars and thirty cents." I sighed as I begin to pull out my wallet. "I'll pay for it," The woman said, giving me the box. "Why?" I asked, confused at this act of charity. "Because I can see that you're not used to running errands for him and you shouldn't have to pay for it. Besides, I have more money than I know what to do with right now," She explained. "Hn, thanks….Oh, and how much are the gingerbread men? I could use a few right now," I said, loving the scent.

"Fifty cents per gingerbread men, five dollars per dozen," The woman said. "Wow, that's cheap. Get me two and I'll come back tomorrow for the dozen," I said, smiling. The woman took out two gingerbread men out of the case and she put them in a small paper bag, "Here you go, miss," She said, handing it to me. "Ugh, don't call me miss," I said, handing her the money. "Why not?" She asked, taking the money and putting it in the register. "It reminds me that I'm not married yet," I said, biting the gingerbread man's leg off. "Marriage isn't everything," She said in a concerned fashion. I would have jumped her right then and there is the sugary treat I was eating wasn't so delicious. "I've been with this guy for awhile, almost six years. I just want all or nothing, I guess," I said. "I understand," was all she could say as she went to tend to another customer. I sat down at a table and bit the arm off the gingerbread men. I really don't want to go to class today and I'm not in a hurry to get Nevel his donuts. So, I take my time. And my mind begins to ponder.

_It was a crisp cool autumn evening. I remember because the old oak tree that's near our house was letting golden leaves fall. I think I love autumn the best out of all the seasons. I got off the school bus with Melanie. Perfect Melanie, sweet Melanie, smart Melanie, the only "good thing" my mother ever did in her life. I think that I was always jealous of her, even then. Then again, I was my daddy's princess. He doted on me more than Melanie. I'm not sure why._

_Melanie went down the street to play with some friends of hers. Everyone wanted to be Melanie's friend. I went into the house and I throw my book bag to the floor. I was only five years old so I couldn't reach the coat hanger to put my coat on, so I just threw it on the floor along with my book bag. I walked into the kitchen and looked around for some ham to eat. I then hear some yelling upstairs. I froze. I used to always hate it when people yell. I put my hands over my ears and try to drown it out by singing. I should have gone with Melanie. She had the right idea._

_I heard my mom yell, "You want to leave, Nate, fine! Leave! You're not going to see the girls ever again! And I'm going to take every single penny you have!" I heard a bam! and my dad yell out. "Calm down, the girls are going to come home soon," He said, trying to reason with her. "I don't care! Let them see what a weak bitch their father really is!"_

_I don't hear anything else after that so I let my hands down. I then hear footsteps go down the stairs. I saw my mom grab her coat. "Hey, Mom," I said, letting her know I was there. "Oh, hey, sweetie, did you have fun at school?" She asked, kissing me on the forehead and getting my oh so desired ham off the top shelf. She handed it to me. "Thank you, Mom," I said, biting into it. She laughed a bit before messing my hair, "Be good for your daddy. I don't think I'll be back in time to tuck you in," She said, leaving the kitchen, "Is Melanie at her friend's?" I answered, "Yes." She soon left the house. I sighed as I went upstairs. I walked down the hallway to Mom and Daddy's bedroom. I opened the door, "Daddy?"_

_Daddy was at the window, looking outside. I walked over to him. "Hey, dove," he said, putting an arm around me. I noticed a dent in the wall by the window, but I didn't mention it. He and Mom got married when they were eighteen and she got pregnant with Melanie and I straight away, so he was about twenty-three at that time. I looked up at him and saw a dark bruise on his cheek. "…I hate it when you and Mom fight," I said, looking away. "I know, Sam," was all he said. He picked me up and looked me in the eyes, "You look a great deal like your mother." I smiled and then frowned as I saw blood dripping from his head, "Daddy, you're bleeding." He then frowned and set me on the bed. He ran his fingers through his hair and see that blood is on his hand. He grimaced as he went into the bathroom to get some gauze. "Daddy, why do you let Mom do this to you?" I asked. _

_Daddy left a few months after. _

I realized, looking at my watch, that I was really late. I quickly run out of the bakery and catch a bus. I haven't really thought about my dad in a long time. I don't even know where he is or if he's still alive. Melanie called me six months ago and told me that her private detective found out that he was back in New York City, but he found out nothing other than that.

Before long, I got to the school. I went up to Nevel's office and knocked on the door. I went in and set the box on his desk, "Voila, donuts." He glared up at me, "It took you an hour to get donuts?" I shrugged, "The line was long." He rolled his eyes and started eating, "Fine, whatever." I smirked as I asked, "So how is Heather?" He sighed, "Doing as well as she can under the circumstances. She'll be out by next week if she's lucky, so I need you to get those donuts until she's better." I asked, "Alright, can you give me money so I can buy them?" He shook his head, "Of course not. Heather hasn't used my money to buy donuts for two years and you shouldn't ask either." I rolled my eyes, "Because Heather's insanely in love with you and your arrogance." He started choking on his donuts, "What?!" I laughed, "Just kidding. I just wanted to see you choke. It's funny." He rolled his eyes, "Just leave." I laughed as I walked out of the room and to my class.

_Thanks for reading. Click and review. ^^_


	13. A Thousand Days Of Tyranny

_Wow, lucky number thirteen. Yay! Random Dancing everyone. ^^ Tee-hee._

_To My Reviewers:_

_Robbie84: You're just like me. Even the thought of burning my finger makes me flinch._

_Lost in the Lies: Thank you for saying so. I'm sworn to secrecy so I won't deny nor agree with your predictions. _

_Number1NathanKfan: Me too. ^^ The darker the better._

_Mckgb: I can't promise anything without revealing the ending, but I will tell you that it will get darker, there will be more torture, but I can say that things will resolve between them. One way or another. (*evil laugh montage*) _

_Princesspoke3612: Thank you for saying so. Keep reading my friend._

**Chapter Thirteen: One Thousand Days Of Tyranny**

I sighed in boredom as I paint my fingers. I then make little faces on them as I looked out the window. I can't stand second period. It's a planning period and I hate planning. So I procrastinate by not planning. The most ingenious idea I ever came up with. I snickered as I talked to my fingers, "Aw, is Mrs. Pinky mad at Mr. Thumb, aw, that's okay? Mr. Right Ring Finger will take care of that." I then push the two fingers together, making kissing noise.

"Excuse me, are you Mr. Shay?" I heard a male voice asked. I looked up and saw a figure in the doorway. He was about sixteen, seventeen years old. He had short blonde hair that wrapped around his scalp in that girly guy manner that all the teen chicks love. His eyes were big and blue, like the sky or the ocean. He is tall and lanky; his build is real small, though. Like someone stretch him out too much. He was wearing a red shirt under a black jacket and he had on black pants and red shoes. Now that I think about it, it reminds me of, perhaps, a male form of our school's uniform.

"Yes I am, who are you?" I asked as he walked over. "My name is Zachary Carlson and I'm going to be taking your third period class starting tomorrow," He said, pushing the bangs out of his face. "…Excuse me?" I asked, not really understanding. "I know that our class was supposed to start yesterday, but I didn't get out of the hospital until this mourning, so I apologize. I just want to get out of this school as quick as possible, you know, so I'm doing everything by the book," He rambled, looking around in different directions. His eyes, I notice, are bloodshot.

"..You're tweaked," I said, bluntly. "Only a little. My roommate at the hospital gave this little blue pill to me. He says it helps with the stomach pains," He said, twitching his body. "Drug use is not tolerated at the Carly Shay Academy," I explained. "I know, I don't really like it, so I'm not going to do it again," Zachary promised, calming down a bit. "So, you got admitted today?" I asked, getting out a folder. "Yeah, I admitted myself actually. Mom doesn't think I have a problem," Zachary explained. "…Bulimia or anorexia?" I asked, staring at him. "Bulimia," Zachary said, simply. I wrote it down in my folder.

This was my first male student, so I was a bit excited. Male eating disorders are extremely rare and a lot of cases are swept under the rug. I most likely need to do some research on this, since it is so unique. They probably react in a different way with this disease. Man, listening to myself think makes me believe that I'm turning into a physiologist. Ugh, I hate big words and now I'm using them.

Zachary sighed as his thin fingers grasped on his jacket, "Mr. Shay, I just want you to know that I'm not like the others. Well, that's obvious since I'm a guy, but I know what I'm doing is sick." This is a first. I looked up at him, "What makes you say that?" Zachary replied, "I know that I look like a bag of bones. I don't think I'm fat. I've checked myself into hospital after hospital. I know I need help." I sighed, looking him over, "How long have you been like this?" Zachary asked, "You mean 'how long I've known I have a problem' or 'how long have I been puking up everything I ate?'" I said, "Both, whatever you want to tell me."

Zachary growled in frustration before looking up at the ceiling, "I don't want to tell you anything. All I want is for you guys to cure me as fast as possible. I have to be out in time to apply for the spring classes at Harvard. I know you're the best. You have a 93% success rate." I sat up and stared at him, "I hate to be Mr. So Serious, but you do need to talk about this if you really want to get better." Zachary sighed as he paced around the room, "It's…I don't like to talk about it, okay?" I nodded, "I understand…You don't have to talk about it now." Zachary looked at me, "I need to leave…Unpack, you know." I called out, "Wait, I'm not done." He had left the room before I could finish the paperwork on him. Oh well, I could just get Heather to do it.

Bored to tears once again, I talk to my fingers. But even the act of finger puppetry and such bores me after awhile. I stood up and walked out of the room, deciding to pay Sam a visit. I went down the hallway to the end of it where I hear punching, kicking, and yelling. I opened the door and see ten girls beating up the poor practice dummies while Sam was encouraging them. "Sarah, don't slouch. Posture is only half of a good fight. Beth, the dummy is not your friend. Kick his ass." I couldn't help but laugh as I made my way, through the panting girls and flying debris, over to her, "Hey, how's class going?" She looked at me and smiled, "Hello, Spencer….It's going fine. It would go better if the girls weren't such daffodils…" I chuckled before saying, "Did you hear about the new student?" Sam shook her head, "No, what's so special about her?" I said, "The fact that she's a he is what's special." Sam raised an eyebrow, "We got a guy admitted here? Weird…"

I sat down at her desk and she followed me, "Times are changing, I guess. Disorders and conditions are becoming more gender-blind, I guess. I was watching Law & Order with Angela last night and this guy went to the detectives about being raped by this gang of girls. They lost the case because the jury didn't believe him. It made me wonder if boys and girls aren't that different." Sam was quiet for a while and asked, "Since when do you watch Law & Order?" I smiled, "Since Angela left the TV on after America's Got Talent was over and an episode was on after it. There was a really cool tiger on it." Sam just smirked as she sat on the desk, staring at her students. "So, are you and Freddie coming to the wedding?" I asked. Sam looked at me, "…Sure, I'll see if we can make it." I smiled at that, "Good. I want to invite Freddie to my bachelor's party." Sam raised her eyebrow, "…Will there be strippers?" I felt my cheeks warm up, "…I'm sure Socko will find a way to get a few there." Sam rolled her eyes, "Keep an eye on him and I'll let him go." I chuckled, "Don't worry. From what I know about Freddie, if he's still as in love and obsessed with you as when I last saw him, he won't even look at them."

Sam smiled at that before she frowned, "Spencer…do you ever think about Carly anymore?" What a strange question. I responded, "Yeah, maybe a few times a day. Why?" Sam shrugged, "Well…I think that Freddie misses her….more than he should." I sighed, "Sam, you can't possibly think that Freddie is still in love with Carly. I mean, it's been almost three years and he loves you." Sam sighed as she took a pen and began writing on her hand, "You know Spencer, I think I know my own boyfriend well enough to know that that's not a definite fact." I sighed, "Sam, don't do this. You always get so jealous." Sam mused a bit before she said, "A year or so before she died, I asked her to flirt with Freddie and tell me if he was into it. I was paranoid, I guess. She told me that nothing happened…." I raised my eyebrow, "You think that she lied?"

There was this time, maybe I year ago that I saw something that perhaps I shouldn't have seen. I wasn't sure on whether or not to tell Sam now. On the other hand, I can't see what good it could do. It would just disgrace Carly's memory and get Freddie in a heap of trouble over something that happened so long ago. Besides, it was probably nothing. Just a trick of the light that made something seem like it was something of importance.

Then again, why was Carly so desperate to make me promise to take it to my grave?

I asked Freddie about it one time, while Carly was in the hospital. He confided in me that he thought it was something. "But thinking something and it being real are two different things," He told me. We never talked about it again. Months later, at Carly's funeral, Freddie was the one that kept himself composed. We all cried, but Freddie was the one who didn't shed a tear. A few days later, I caught him at her grave, crying his eyes out. It's one of those crying sessions where everything comes out like a volcano.

"I don't know what I think," Sam said, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Ask him," I said, simply. "He'll just lie," Sam snapped back. "You don't know that," I pointed out. "Whatever," She responded. The bell soon rang. I quickly went to my class to get ready for third period.

A few of my students are already there so I began handing out supplies. The rest come in soon after. They're on their way back to normalcy. Fuller faces, a glow about them, and even a smile here and there. When I compare their stay here to Carly's stay at the hospital, I can't help but feel unhappy. It took days to get Carly to eat something that wasn't in liquid form. Most of her nutrients came from IVs that she would yank out whenever she could. She even tried to break out several times. I was so angry with Sam when I found out that she was behind one escape. I even slapped her. I never hit someone in my life except in self-defense. She looked so stunned, her eyes so wide.

I watched the girls make their little sculptures, chatting with each other. Art has a way of bringing even the most untalented out of their shell. A five-minute chat with a friend, new or old, is like six weeks of therapy right there. Sometimes the blind did need to lead the blind.

A strawberry blonde haired young girl, Marie Bricksteen, was making a gorgeous sculpture of a silver coated cat with blue paws. I walked over to her, "You're doing good, Marie." She looked up at me and smiled, "Thank you, Mr. Shay. Her name is Pixie, she's my cat." I smiled, "Does the real Pixie have blue paws?" She nodded, "Yes. Before I…came here, she got into my blue paint and her paws got covered in paint. I don't know if she has them anymore. My sister would bring her here, but you guys don't allow pets." I said, looking at her, "…Don't worry, I don't think a little visit would hurt you." Marie resumed her sculpture, "Thank you, Mr. Shay. It would mean a lot to me to see her again."

I smiled at that before going on to help the other girls. It's strange how things work out. How the worst tragedy could turn into something that would help out hundreds of other tragedies waiting to happen.

_Thank you for reading. _


	14. The Significance Of The Lie

Thank you guys for coming back for more. ^^ I want to thank Nathan Kress and Jennette McCurdy for acting the part of Freddie and Sam. I can only write when I can see the characters doing it, and boy I can see.

To My Reviewers:

Robbie84: No one is going to die, I will tell you that. I'm a happy ending person. ^^ Then again, who says that there's going to be an ending? XD

Mckgb: ^^ I love suspense. There's a lot of secrets that they all hide; Sam, Freddie, Spencer, etc. I'm sorry that you don't like the violence; you can just skip over it if you want.

Chapter Fourteen: The Significance Of The Lie

Noon. I can't believe that time went by so fast. I guess that when you love doing something, you'll lose all sense of time. And I do love what I do. I grabbed a bagel and I bit into it before letting my assistant take over the bakery. I left it and hailed a cab, getting into it. "Red Road Boulevard," I told the man. I sat in the cab and looked through my purse for my gum. I popped a piece into my mouth and started chewing. I love the taste of spearmint. It makes my mouth tingle.

I had a dream last night. A pretty strange one. A black large bear was walking down the road. It was limping, bleeding from its leg, and a hunter was stalking it. The bear finally collapsed on a trail. The hunter soon shot it. Bang! Bang! Bang! I then woke up. That's when I went to check up on Jackson. I had a feeling that he was okay. All that yelling was just for show. I let him wonder around the neighborhood by the time he was four. I just knew if he was okay or not. Mother's instinct, you know. Besides, the neighbors knew my son and they kept an eye on him and would intervene if they thought there was going to be any sort of trouble. We were a very tight-knit community back in Bensonhearst.

Well, they were, I was never really accepted. For more than one reason if you ask me.

I soon got to the street. I paid the man and left the cab. I went to the big building on the left and up the first flight of stairs. I opened the door and slid in, gracefully, "Hello." I looked at the desk and was surprised to find it empty. I raised my eyebrow in confusion before I sat down at the couch. The artwork on the wall was mainly fakes of famous arts, but that didn't limit their value.

I started seeing him when he was barely out of college. I was his first patient, yet he was a natural therapist. We grew close and I told him things that I didn't even tell my own husband. Even after he moved to Seattle, we still kept in touch. Through all the good and all the bad. We slowly became best friends. After the incident back home, he personally flew back to New York to work me through it. After my aunt died, I just wanted to sell the apartments and move to my hometown, but he convinced me that it would be a good idea to move to Seattle. He said that he thought that something was beckoning me to the West Coast. I had a lot of dreams about that so I moved to Seattle two weeks ago, renovated an old bakery, and established my landladyship.

I knew that things wouldn't last this way. Something will happen. It always does. I have a happy life and I take a chance on something. I let myself get wrapped into my own selfishness, thinking that it's what everyone wanted. Then things go from good to bad to worse to someone getting hurt. I didn't want that. Yet, it happens wherever I go.

Like they say, you can't escape the past, no matter how hard you try.

I looked up to see the door opening. He came in and saw me there, "Oh, hey Vivian." I smiled, "Hey, Gibby." It had only taken us a few sessions to get to first name basis. His warm blue eyes lit up the room. I was always fond of them. He sat down at the leather chair near the bookcase, "I'm glad to see you again. It's been a long time." I smiled, "Only six months…Everything is happening so fast you know…" He glanced at me, "How have you been liking Seattle?" I shrugged, "It's okay. It's only a tad less busy than New York."

Gibby reminded me of a teddy bear. Warm, protective, strong. He does have his silly moments that make him even warmer. He's not that bright, but if you ask me that wouldn't make him any better a therapist. It makes him more down to Earth and I don't feel like an idiot whenever I talk to him.

"Have you met anyone in the apartments that you like?" Gibby asked me. "Well….there's this guy that I really could see him being my friend," I said, thinking of Freddie. He glanced up at me, asking questions with his eyes. "…Is this a session?" I asked. "If you want it to be," He responded. "Well, he's nice and funny and sweet and I really want to get to know him better," I said, taking a strand of my hair and twirling it around. Gibby raised an eyebrow, "Are you interested in him?"

I blushed softly, like a schoolgirl, and crossed my legs, " I can't be. It's too soon. Besides, he has a girlfriend. I don't want history to repeat itself." Gibby straightened in his chair, "Why not?" I was surprised, "It's wrong, Gibby, you know that." He said, "It didn't stop you before." I sighed, "I was just a girl. I thought that I was in love with Tony." Gibby asked, "You didn't think it was love?" I sighed, "No. It couldn't be love. It was infatuation, I'm sure. I mean, we had fun. And what we had was real, but it wasn't love." Gibby asked, "Do you regret being with him?" I sighed, "Strangely enough, I don't. And not because of Jackson. I learned a valuable lesson."

Gibby nodded and looked out the window, "Have you heard from Ophala?" I shook my head, "Not for three years. I heard that she committed suicide, but nobody's found the body. She probably jumped off the bridge into the Hudson river." Gibby raised an eyebrow, "Do you feel guilt?" I shrugged, "That crazy old bitch had it coming." If there was only one person that I truly hated, it was Ophala. And I knew she felt the same about me. She made that perfectly clear.

"Do you remember when she found out who you were…to Tony?" Gibby asked. "How could I forget?" I asked, rubbing my temples. "She set your trashcan on fire as I recall. We spent five sessions on it," Gibby reminded me. He smirked, "Five glorious sessions. You broke many of my vases before you would even talk to me." I smiled at the memory, "Yes, who could forget that? Thanks for not calling security on me. That would have been like salt in the wound." He chuckled, "Well, I knew that you wouldn't have done it if it weren't for the fact that you were overly emotional. I know you're a good person, Vivian." I smiled and asked, wanting to change the subject, "How is Yoko?" His smile dropped as he sighed, "She's decided that she needed a change. She's moving back to Japan to find herself." I sighed, "Oh, sorry about that." He shrugged, "Don't be sorry. She suggested we see other people…So, I'm hitting the clubs tonight."

I smiled, "Well, good for you. Change is always good. You've been with Yoko a long time and if you're reminded about how awful other women are, you'll be more appreciative of your own woman." He smirked and rolled his eyes. "Gibby, can I ask you a question?" I asked. He nodded, "Of course, Vivian. What is it?" He looked at me, attentively. "You used to live here before you moved to New York, right?" I asked. "Yes, a month or so after I turned three I moved here," Gibby said. "Then perhaps you would know this guy that I had met," I said. "What's his name?" He asked. "Freddie Benson," I replied.

Gibby laughed as his eyes sparked in remembrance, "Freddie. We were friends in school. So he did come back after all…" I smiled, "So, you knew him." Gibby nodded, "Yeah, tell him that Gibby said hi, okay?" I nodded as I was going to ask more questions, but my phone beeped. "Oh, I have to go," I said, standing up. "Alright, we can talk next week if you want," Gibby said, standing up and going over to his computer. "Okay, see you next week," I said as I walked out of the room and went down the stairs.

It's strange how small the world can be. Everyone seems to know each other around here. I wished New York was like that, but unless you are one of them, you don't know them. I went to hail a cab, but they seem to be avoiding me. My red outfit must camouflage with the red brick building. I figured that walking would be good for me anyway. I walked down the street to the bakery, needing to get back to the bakery in time for the second half of the lunch rush.

"So he did come back after all…" I wondered what Gibby meant by that. Freddie truly was a man of mystery. And I did enjoy a good mystery. I may be too curious for my own good, but truthfully, I don't really care. The secret was always worth what means it took. I looked up to the sky and noticed the overcast. Why was it that it hadn't been sunny since I got here? Was Seattle always this cloudy? I hadn't even seen the sun for two weeks. I never realized that the things you take for granted can be taken away so easily. It's only clear at night, or at least that's what Jackson says. He told me that you can see the stars easily, even more easily than in New York.

I finally reached the bakery and I went to the kitchen to work on the cakes and cookies that people craved. I had a couple of orders to fill for a birthday party, so I might be late to pick up Jackson at school. I made a mental note to make a special fudge cookie for Jackson so that way he wouldn't be angry with me. They say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. That's one of the true old wives' tales. I think, anyway. That's how I got through to Tony's heart.

Jackson looks nothing like Tony, save for the red hair and the height. Jackson has his father's mind, though. He's very smart (except in Mathematics) and I was thinking of having him moved up to the second grade. He begged me not to, but I knew what was best for my son. He can be so serious, but at the same time, very funny. Sort of like how Freddie is. It's one of the reasons I'm drawn to Freddie.

I love the smell of things baking. The flour, the sugar, the ceiling, and the lovely sweets themselves always have a beautiful smell. I love gingerbread the most. Especially decorating them. Each feature is carefully detailed and very personal. If only everyone else had such a dedication to his or her work, then maybe we wouldn't have to have stuff made overseas. But they didn't ask me what they thought about it.

Thank you for reading. Add to alerts and review, please. ^^


	15. A Lovely Day and Happy Thoughts

_Thanks again for your patronage. ^^_

_**To My Reviewers:**_

_Mckgb: I understand. It's like me and stories with explicit drug use. I cringe whenever I read it, so I understand what you mean._

_Flameh: Thank you. I had the idea when I saw Sam beat Freddie so he would tell Fred that he liked his videos. It's my favorite episode, but I hate that part. T_T_

**Chapter Fifteen: A Lovely Day And Happy Thoughts**

I groaned as my eyes opened and consciousness returns to me. My nightshirt is cool and wet along with the sheets and comforter. I then cry out at the tremendous and painful headache that overtakes me. The bright light from the sun outside the window nearly blinds me. I winced before sliding out of my bed. I fall to the floor and cry out as my blistered skin hits the carpet. I barely have the energy to move, much less stand up. So, I slowly get up to my knees as I wondered what I did to deserve this.

I felt the bump on my head and I touched my warm face. My skin has peeled a bit and the bits of flesh come off on my fingers. I then force myself to stand up. I stumbled and grabbed on to the dresser. I steadied myself and stared at the wall. Times like these make me just want to leave. Just grab whatever cash I can get and just leave. Then I think about it, logically. I have nowhere to go. Except Mom's…And I wasn't going there with my tail between my legs. Not ever again. Besides, she had no sympathy towards what was going on. Not now. I had my chance and it was blown. I pushed her away because of my teenage rebellion and arrogance. She would just blame it all on me. Besides, I couldn't stay there long. I would rather spend eternity with Sam and her cruelty than spend more than necessary with Mom and Lewbert.

I staggered over to the bathroom and took a shower. Even the slightest warmth agitated my skin, so I took a cold shower. I ran my finger nails down my skin in anger and shame, needing to take out my emotions now. I hate this. I hate living like this. I hate the pain and isolation. There are times that I just want to break a window and jump out, getting that few seconds of freedom before I splatter all over the street. It's morbid, so I usually don't end up doing it. I cling to life too much to do something like that. I'm not a suicidal person. I never was. Life was always worth living. There are worse things than what Sam does to me. People get mutilated, raped, tortured and then killed. I have it pretty good, when you compare the two.

I got out of the shower and dried myself. Hopefully, things will get better. And I know they will. I was going to ask Sam to marry me and that will make things better. It had to. She will clean up her act and we can put this ugliness behind us. I wanted to settle down. I wanted a family. To tell you the truth though, I wanted a career more. At least one chance behind the camera, is that too much to ask?

I looked at myself in the mirror before I went into the bedroom. My skin was a dark red and it was blistering horribly. I put a hand on my cheek. I really hoped that it wouldn't scar up my face. I don't think that I would live with myself if that happened. I looked away, not able to look at myself, and I went into the bedroom. I grabbed some clothes out of the dresser and put them on. My size hasn't really changed since I was in high school. I could still wear my favorite yellow and black striped shirt. It was a bit snug, but it still fit. I glanced at the clock. It's nearly two. I was knocked out for a long time.

Registering this, my stomach growled. I smiled slightly as I went to the kitchen and looked around for something to eat. I opened the refrigerator and got out some yogurt. I slurp the strawberry treat within seconds. My stomach was satisfied. It took even less to make myself full than ever before. I could go throughout the day only eating one meal. If I eat more than that, I get sick. I wanted to go see a doctor about it, but I couldn't. I suggested the idea to Sam one time, but she didn't think it was that serious. I then see a note by the door. I raised my eyebrow and went over to pick it up. I read it, curiously.

Freddie,

It's Vivian. My son has started exploring the apartment buildings during the night and I was wondering if you could keep an eye on him. I just want to know that if he gets into trouble, there will be someone to make sure he's okay.

XOXO, Vivian

I smiled slightly at that. I was happy to make sure that Jackson wasn't getting into trouble. I had a feeling he would be okay, though. He was smart enough not to get himself into trouble and there wasn't anyone in the building that would hurt him. I could tell that Vivian wanted her son to be independent. If Mom knew, she would probably have a heart attack. I wasn't even allowed out of the apartment without someone with me until I was nine, even if I was going over to Carly's. During my childhood, it didn't really bother me. I assumed that everyone else lived like that. Mom was a super neat and control freak. I wasn't sure

I sat down at my desk, returning to the bedroom…You know, I can't even call it "our" bedroom anymore. It doesn't feel right. I've lost everything here. Dignity, self-respect, control, will. Things that I thought that I would always have vanished in a split second.

I'm so tired of trying to convince myself that everything is okay. It's not. I know it's not. I realized that this morning. My crystal clear view of my life was shattered when she poured the water on me. Yet, strangely enough, I still loved her. I need her. I still believe that she loves me. I know that she loves me. Otherwise, why would she have stuck around this long? She could be with anyone she wanted, but she fell in love with me out of all people. And I fell in love with her. Ever since we were fifteen, just kids.

I turned on my laptop and got on the Internet, needing to distract myself. I wasn't sure what to do about Vivian and Jackson coming over. I knew that scars and blisters were all over my face and they would ask questions about it. And I couldn't come up with a plausible story that would explain it. Vivian was a curious girl, so I knew she would nosy herself into what happened. And I really did not need that right now.

I continued to work, that was until I heard knocking at the door. I heard Jackson, "Mr. Benson…Mr. Benson, I'm here!" He continued to knock. I said nothing, hoping that he would go away on his own. I hated that I stood him up like that, but I couldn't risk him knowing. The knocking soon stopped. I knew that Vivian would be concerned and would probably call later. Or she would know not to interfere in other people's business.

Sam was going to be late tonight so I can procrastinate on the cleaning until nine o'clock. I can work until then. Working keeps me busy. I can lose myself. It's my way of becoming numb. To make me forget all that's happened to me.

Hours passed by and I barely realized it. I check the computer clock to see that it's near eleven o'clock. I just hoped that Sam was too tired to realize that the house wasn't spic and span clean. I turned the laptop off as I heard the door opening. "I'm home, Fredward," Sam said, energetically. Of course. That was just my luck. Sam came right into the bedroom and looked at me, "Ah…" Her face was filled with concern as she put a hand to my cheek, "Freddie…are you okay?" I looked at her and growled, "Aren't you the observant one?" Angry, Sam raised her hand in the air, about to slap me. I closed my eyes, waiting for the hit, but it never came. I opened my eyes in hesitance. Her hand was at her side. She stared at me, "Hold on, I have some cream…" She went into her purse and got out a bottle. She squirted some into her hand and rubbed it on my face and neck. She was very tender, making sure to massage the cream into the skin. "This should reduce scarring…" Sam said, finally.

"Thank you," I replied, feeling slightly better. Sam sighed, "Um…Spencer's getting married." I was stunned to say the least. That was very apparent when I nearly fell out of my seat, "What?!" Sam chuckled, "Spencer's marrying Angela…" I smiled, "Oh, well that's good…" Sam nodded, "He wants us to come…It's near the end of the month. Can you make it?" I couldn't believe she was asking me that. "Yes," I said, shortly. She smiled at that, "I can't wait…" She then asked, "…Can you take off your shirt so I can put it on your chest?" I nodded, taking off the shirt. I could see the smile creep on Sam's face. She took the cream and spread on the top part of my chest. It felt…interesting. Very good, which was something I didn't expect. I suddenly felt very shy and I kept my eyes off Sam. She then rubbed it in, which made me close my eyes in tranquility.

"Freddie…are you purring?" Sam asked. "What?" I asked in confusion as my eyes opened. "Just kidding, Fredweird," Sam replied, snickering. I rolled my eyes as I took the cream away from her and squirted it at her. She laughed at that as it hit her shirt. "Sorry," I said, realizing my mistake. I was prepared for anything that Sam threw at me. "Freddie…" She said, quietly. She put her hand to my cheek and looked at me, "I'm sorry for what I did…I can't erase it, but I will make it up to you. I want things to be like they were before…" I looked at her, wondering if she was telling the truth. "I want to laugh, love, share life with you," She continued. She took my hands and pulled me up, "I want us to have fun, for each day to be a mini vacation. I want to see that smile." I looked at her hesitantly and smiled, "I wish I could believe you…"

Sam wrapped her arms around me, moving her body against mine. She put her head on my shoulder, "Remember when we first kiss?" I nodded, running my fingers through her blonde hair, "Yes…" She smiled at the memory, "You said something. You said, "It would be too weird if you didn't make my life miserable"…Is it?" I shook my head, "I was just so used to you being….mean to me, that I didn't know that you could be like this. This kind." Sam pulled away from me and smiled, "Thanks." I then gave her the cream, "Here you go." Sam grinned as she squirted at me. I laughed at that as I ran out of the bedroom. Sam chased me, squirting the cream at me. I took the cream away from her and squirted at her. She laughed. Her laugh was beautiful, like a melody. She ran away from me and into the kitchen. I followed her, feeling…happy. For the first time in a long time, I didn't feel like trash. I could smile and really truly mean it.

I was soon distracted by the sound of a thump. Sam had tripped in the kitchen. She was holding her ankle close to her, making whimpering noises. My eyes widened as I went to her side, kneeling down to her level, "Oh, are you okay?" Sam nodded, "Yeah…But you won't be." She grabbed the cream, laughing. I should have known that she was feigning the injury. I tried to get away, but she was able to get on top of me. She tried to squirt it at me, but it was empty. She giggled as she tried to get up, but I pulled her back down on me. I flipped her over so that I was on top. I then began kissing her. Sam stopped laughing and kissed back, wrapping her arms around my neck. I then stood up, carrying her bridal style. Sam laughed at that. I carried her to the bedroom and set her on the bed. I could tell by her eyes what she wanted. But I couldn't give it to her. Not now, but she knew that.

I got on top of her once more and started to kiss her neck. "Mmm," Sam whispered as she rubbed my back. "That's the most fun I've had all week…" we said at the same time. We laughed before looking each other in the eyes.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know if this is all a dream. I don't know if Sam would return back to her cruel self by tomorrow. I don't know what's going to happen. All I know is that I love her and she loves me. We were going to be together forever. Nothing will ever tear us apart.

Never again.

_Thanks for reading. Review, please._


	16. Things That Go Bump In The Night

_Thanks for reading once more. La..da…da.._

_**To My Reviewers:**_

_**Mimi: **__Tee-hee, I can't answer that. XD_

_**RockAngel:** I like chapter fifteen, too. It's uber romantic._

_**Ray**: I hate to see any of the cute boys in pain. It's sad and I just want to give him a hug…^^_

_**What lurks beneath**: Wow, so many reviews…Thanks so much for your interest. To sum all your questions up: I will reveal all secrets, the torture won't be anything gorey, and I should be through with adding characters from the show._

**Chapter Sixteen: Things That Go Bump In The Night**

I began to stir in my sleep, waking up to my body's own natural rhythm. I don't remember going to sleep or even closing my eyes. But I had, I reasoned. I looked up to the ceiling and sighed. I can feel the warmth of the sun as it rose in the sky. It was mid-day. I could tell that. I yawned as I sleepily looked over to see if Freddie was awake. My eyes widened when I saw that he wasn't there. I looked around for him. I knew he had to be somewhere in the apartment. I figured he was in the bathroom, checking up on his scars.

The thought is slowly disproved when the bedroom door opens. I heard soft singing as Freddie came into the bedroom. He was carrying a tray with a few plates filled with food. I could smell the pancakes, eggs, and bacon. A glass of orange juice was on the tray. He smiled at me and I straightened up, "Aw…you shouldn't have…" He smirked, "Good, cause I didn't…" He took a piece of bacon and ate it. He laughed before handing the tray to me, "Here you go, Sam." I smiled, "Thanks…" He got in the bed with me. "Aren't you going to eat anything?" I asked, stuffing some of the eggs into my mouth. "Nah," Freddie said lying back down. His skin looks better, but I knew that there was going to be some permanent damage. I still feel bad about it. Hell, feeling bad isn't good enough.

I love Freddie. I love everything about him. I love his personality. I love his brains. I love his spirit. I love his looks. I love everything that he does for me. The little things like making me breakfast up to the big things like my birthday presents. Can you believe that he saved up everything for two years to buy me a car on my nineteenth birthday? And not some piece of crap from the used car lot. I'm talking a Mustang, fully restored with an engine that purred like a kitten. I would still have it too, but….I don't like to dwell on bad memories.

I then sipped my orange juice and faintly tasted something sour. "You put pickle juice in here?" I asked. He nodded, looking up at me. I smiled as I kissed his forehead before drinking the orange/pickle juice mix. I set the tray aside and Freddie moved to pick it up, but I stopped him. I smiled at him before kissing him, "You're perfect you know…" He rolled his eyes, "Ugh, not really." I poke his chest before saying, "Whatever." He poked me back, looking bold.

I could see it in his eyes. That spark of life, that beautiful confidence, the optimism. I meant what I said last night. I was never going to hurt him again. I'll control myself. I won't ever lay a hand on him again. Hopefully, memories will fade away and things will become nothing more than faint scars. But now, I think "How many times have I said that before?….And how long will it take for my anger-no, my demonic rage to take control of me? Months? Weeks? Days?…Hours?"

"Can I ask you something?" Freddie said, looking into my eyes. "Yes," I said, looking back. "October is coming up…" Freddie said, trying to suggest something. "Yes? What of it?" I asked. "I was wondering…if on the thirteenth-" He said. My fists began clenching at that date. "We could go to the cemetery?" He said, quickly. It was like he wanted to get a fist to the face. I can't go there…I can't break down. I can't look at her grave and know what I did…What I said…I was so wrapped up in my own problems that I brushed her aside. Even though, she solved most of the problems, I was so self-absorbed that I ignored the fact that she was withering way. Guilt, stress, depression, and all that was going on through her mind. But she still smiled and tried to make the best of each day. It ultimately killed her. My best friend was dying and I couldn't see it. It went on for so long and there were so many signs, but I chose to ignore them.

I shook my head, "No…Not now…I-I can't…" He just sighed before taking the tray and putting it in the kitchen. I sighed before staring up at the ceiling once more. He came back into the bedroom and went into the bathroom. I could hear the shower starting. I smirked at little. I knew how I could make it up to him. I wait two minutes before going into the bathroom. I slowly slipped off my clothes and opened the shower door. He didn't notice me at first. It's a pretty big shower and he seems to be in his own little world. It's when I wrapped my arms around him from behind that he responded. He jumped up in surprise and turned around to look at me. "What are you doing? I'm naked and wet and soapy and-and _you're_ naked and wet and soapy," He rambled, trying to cover himself. I couldn't help but burst out laughing.

Freddie's blush grew even redder. I wrapped my arms around him, pressing my body against his, wanting to get a reaction. I knew that he was getting aroused, but he tried to fight it. "Sam…" He said, "Get out…" But while he said this, he had pulled me closer to him, running his fingers down my back. I then heard the phone ring, but I ignored it. "It's not like this is the first time I saw you naked…" I reminded him. His blush made his face look like a tomato, "How can I forget?" I laughed at his blush as I pushed him against the tiled wall of the shower and kissed him with all the passion my lips could give. I then looked at the purple bruises on his chest with green and black spotted in them. They were reminders, constant ones.

Freddie took my chin and made me look into his eyes. He smiled and kissed me before getting out of the shower. I sighed and took a shower of my own as I heard him leave the bathroom. I got out of the shower a few minutes later and blow-dried my hair before getting into some new clothes. I picked out a silver silk shirt and black jeans. The jeans were a little big on me so I grabbed a belt out of the dresser. The buckle was a stone rose with a snake going around the roses. Freddie had gotten this for me one Christmas.

I love Christmases with Freddie. It's just the two of us. We're like little kids, waking up before the sun rose and running into the living room to see what "Santa" brought us. We would go through our stockings to see what "Santa" had left us. We gushed over each presents that we got, thanking and hugging each other. It was just the two of us, sipping hot chocolate on the couch, under a blanket. We watched Christmas specials since we didn't have a fireplace to set the mood. No annoying relatives, no complicated dinner, no terrible presents. We didn't need anyone else, we didn't need anything else.

I, soon, left the bathroom and saw him at his computer once more. I ruffled his hair before going into the living room.

I couldn't wait until the end of the month when my paycheck came. I was going to buy a new laptop for Freddie with it. I had been saving up for a long time and now I had enough to get him the best that money could buy. I whistled as I went to the answering machine and pressed the button to see who had called earlier. It was probably Spencer with the date of the wedding. The automated voice came up, "You have one new message."

A young female voice came up, "Hey, Freddie, it's Vivian. I just wanted to call and ask what happened yesterday. Well, if I don't hear from you I'll just come over on Monday. I'll make some brownies and we can talk if you want. I'll see you soon. Bye!" I was completely still. I couldn't even register that I was clenching my fists and making cuts into my palms. Vivian…the "pretty" landlord….I can't believe this! This can't be happening! He's hanging out with this chick that he barely knows and he didn't even have the decency to tell me. I sat down on the couch, trying to reason with myself, but it was too late. Ideas were flying around in my head. He was probably getting into this woman's pants while I was at work. I just knew it! I was never surer of anything in my life.

Then, I noticed that I was no longer in the living room. I was in the bedroom. I was sitting on the bed, trying to calm myself down. I couldn't even look at Freddie. I was becoming so paranoid, I try to get those thoughts out of my head, but I couldn't. "Freddie," I said, keeping my voice as steady as I could. "Yeah?" He asked, still looking at his computer. "Have you ever cheated on me?" I asked. I expected a quick response. I needed a quick response, so I could efficiently eliminate these thoughts. He didn't give me an instant response. "Define cheating," Freddie said, vaguely. "You know what I mean," I said, my anger showing in my voice. "I haven't," Freddie said, quickly. "Ever?" I asked. "…Never," He said, his response slower. "You sounded a bit uncertain," I said, standing up. "I don't…I don't know what you're talking about," Freddie said.

I was irritated at his actions. I knew that he was lying. I stood up absorbing the tension that hung in the bedroom. He turned in his swivel chair, slowly, to face me. His eyes were wide and full of confusion. I stepped forward and slapped him, "LIAR!" I slapped him again when he came too, "LIAR!" He fell down to the floor and seemed to be debating against himself on whether or not to get up. I made the decision for him. I kicked him while he was down. "You are a liar! You're whoring around with the landlady aren't you?!" He looked up at me, protecting his face, "I…I have no idea what you're talking about!" I screamed, rage thrashing through my veins, "STOP LYING!" I then stopped assaulting him. I pant and lean against the wall as he struggles to get up. He began to put a hand on his cheek, closing his eyes.

"I'm sorry," He said, trying to appease me. I knew he wasn't. I knew that he was going to continue on with his deceitful ways. I was so scared that he was going to cheat with me, that he was going to end up leaving me for the woman, whoever she may be. It's not the first time I knew that he was cheating on me. I caught him hitting on a student at the school when he had been working. I nearly ripped his arm off when we got home. He had quit a few weeks after. He told me that he couldn't handle looking at the girls, that they reminded him so much of Carly.

Freddie looked up at me, his eyes were different. There was no more optimism, no happiness. Only a look of betrayal. Tch, he was the one who betrayed me. "Are you done?" He asked, dully. I slapped him again, "Does that answer your question, smart ass?" Freddie winced as he looked away. I spoke again, "You swear that you never cheated on me?" Freddie shook his head, "I swear…" I asked, "On the Bible?" Freddie was silent. That was enough for me.

I grabbed him by the shoulders and slammed him against the wall, "WHO?! WHO WAS THE SLUT?!" Freddie yelled at me, "YOUR BEST FRIEND!" My anger slowly faded and was replaced by disbelief, "What?…" Freddie looked at me, "Carly…But that was a long time ago and it wasn't even anything to begin with." I growled, "You're a liar, Carly would never do that to me." Freddie said, angrily, "You, you, you, you. I am so goddamn sick of hearing about you! It's always you! Have you ever gotten through your head that I have wants and needs? And I wanted to be with someone that didn't beat the shit out of me if I do something wrong? It was one little mistake. Let the past stay in the past."

By now, I was near tears. I had suspicions, but I knew…I knew that Carly would never hurt me like that. She would risk her life to me. She did so much for me. I sat down on the bed and started sobbing. Freddie sighed as he put his hands on his face, "God knows what's going to happen to us…" I looked at him, "Do you love me, Freddie?" He looked up at me, "Yes…More than life itself…I love you. Do you love me?" I whispered, "I love you. So much…"

I had a feeling Freddie was lying before. He was just covering for the slut by blaming it on our dead friend. It wasn't his fault. It was probably just the first name that came to mind. I forgave him, because we love each other. Besides, Carly would never make a move on Freddie. She didn't even like him that way.

Right?

_Ha, you weren't expecting that, were you? Thanks for reading. ^^_


	17. Whatever Draws Your Attention, Whatever

**To My Reviewers**

XxiLove AmandaxX: Yeah, it is sad. Luckily though, people are beginning to see that and girls are getting help

sockstar: ^^ Your questions will be answered soon, but I bet you already know the answer.

**Chapter Seventeen: Whatever Draws Your Attention, Whatever Your Eye Seeks**

I hate hospitals. There are germs on every surface and sick people that contaminate you and even more surfaces. I don't want to be here, I rather be in a glass box for the rest of my life. Oh, that would be just grand. However, I felt this need to go here, despite my hatred. I had to see how Heather was doing. I'm not sure why. She called me and said that she was fine, but I needed to see for myself.

I went up to the receptionist's desk and wiped it down with my anti-bacterial wipe. I then reached over to the woman at the computer, "Ma'am…" She held up her finger, "Just a second, sugar." I grabbed her finger, "I will be not addressed as "sugar". My name is Nevel Papperman and I will have you fired and deported back to the white trash trailer park you came from." She looked at me in disbelief before pursing her lips, "How can I help you…Mr. Papperman?" I smiled as I let go of her, "Much better. Now, I am looking for the room of Heather…Heather…" I didn't know what to say. I had known this woman for two years, yet I didn't even know her last name…I never needed to know it. It was something with a "ton" at the end. Winston, Enton, Canton… Something like that. Come on, Nevel, think. I'm not good with names, but I'm brilliant with faces. I can remember a face after not seeing a person for ten years. I can usually remember little details in the features that distinguish one person from the next. I have no idea where people got the idea that all humans look the same. There are so many differences.

"Heather Branton," I quickly said, remembering. The woman looked through the computer, "Room 208, second floor." I nodded, "Thank you." I got out another wipe and cleaned my hands. I went down the hallway, careful not to get in anyone's way. I got into the elevator and pressed two. I hated elevators. One time, when I was nineteen, I was on an elevator and it broke down. I was stuck there for nearly two hours. Of course, I sued the hell out of the company, but it didn't bring me relief. All I got was more cash then I knew what to do with.

A few months after, what was left of the iCarly team came to me for an investment for their school.

I then came to 208 and opened the door. I was looked around to see balloons, flowers, and teddy bears all over the room. I saw Heather in the bed, hooked up to the monitors. She was very pale. Her eyes were closed. I sighed before sitting down at the chair by the bed. I pulled out a book to pass the time. I barely opened it when I heard her stir.

Heather's eyes opened. They were near bloodshot, "Mr….Mr. Papperman, what are you doing here, you hate hospitals…" She sat up and said, slurring her words, "I'm…I'm sorry I didn't call you to tell you I was going to be late. My phone died-" I pushed her back down, "You need to rest so I can get you back to work soon." Heather nodded, numbly. I quickly reached for a wipe, wondering how many germs were just on her hospital gown. Yet, I didn't really care for some reason. It was like she wasn't as dirty as everything around her was. She looked groggy and had probably spent the last twenty-four hours asleep. I noticed that her glossy hair was dull and listless. She had beautiful strawberry blonde hair that seemed to take care of itself. Her hair always smelt of bananas and pineapples. And that straight out of the salon smell.

"So…lilies," I said, pointing out the vase flowers on the end table by the monitor. "I hate flowers…" Heather said, shortly. "…Why do you hate them?" I asked. "Uh, bugs get on them and do unspeakable things…" Heather said, staring at the ceiling. I almost smirk, thinking to myself,"That is why I hate flowers, as well…Smart girl." Heather looked around her room, "I don't need all this…These animals, these cards, these flowers…The balloons are nice, though. I like balloons." I looked around, having no idea that Heather had this many people that cared enough to send her something. I would have to get her some balloons. Note to self: Tell Heather to send balloons to….Heather… I would have to do that myself, then.

"Who sent you all this?" I asked. Heather looked from each gift, "Parents, siblings, friends, the teachers at the school, and my kids…I used to volunteer for a Little League team and the Boy Scouts. We write to each other a lot." She smiled softly as she grabbed a teddy bear. "Oh…" was all I could say. Heather looked up at me, "Why are you here?" I shrugged, "Well, I had nothing else to do and I figured I would check up on you." I wasn't sure that was the right thing to say, but then again I didn't really care. Heather sighed at that and sat up, "Well, don't worry, Mr. Papperman, I will be back by next week. Maybe even in a few days." I shook my head, "No. The doctor said that you were going to stay in here two weeks, we got to make sure that you're healthy." Heather asked, "But who's going to be your tennis partner? Who's going to get your donuts, and your dry cleaning, and for God's sake who's going to remind you to get a hair cut?"

I, self-consciously, felt the length of my hair. I did need a haircut. "Don't worry about that…Just concentrate on getting better," I said. Heather sighed as she stared at the ceiling, "My body feels like a lead weight…I feel awful…Can you close the curtains?" I looked over to the window and went to close the curtains. The room soon darkened. "So much better…" Heather groaned, coughing softly. "How did you get pneumonia?" I asked. Heather sighed, "One of the kids got sick and I came to baby sit him so his mother could work. I got the flu and it quickly morphed into the pneumonia." Heather laid her head on the pillow and closed her eyes, groaning. She looked dead tired as opposed to her usual perkiness.

I started to get fidgety, not really comfortable. How was it that I've depended so much on her, yet I knew nothing about her? Oh well, it is no concern to me. She's just a secretary slash tennis partner. Anyone could replace her if she becomes sicker and unable to work. I could just hire some other hard-working bimbo. It's not like she's a rare thing.

Then again, the secretaries before her quit within the first two weeks. Something about "Cooking your lunch and reorganizing your file cabinet isn't part of my job description" and "You make Adolf Hitler look like a kitten."

_I'm uber sorry for the shortness. I hated doing this chapter. It seems like a filler, but it isn't…Anyway, sorry again. The next chapter will be better._


	18. A Solitary Taste

_Okay, so I'm making it up to you now. ^^ Here's the long chapter._

_**To My Reviewers:**_

_**Sockstar: **__Nevel and Heather's relationship is one of the strangest ones I've come across. The more that Nevel needs her, the more strain on Heather. But she thrives on that strain._

_**XxiloveAmandaxX: **__I won't let her die. Don't worry._

_**Ligirl1234:**__ Characters mean the most to me, so I always develop them to the fullest._

_**XxLucyP5xX**__:Thanks. ^^_

_**Roseheart: **__Thank you so much. This was the best review I ever had. I like how you analyze the characters. What I did was I just took a darker part of the show and explored it. And I don't mind critism. I thrive on it. I always want to tell my story in a better way._

**Chapter Eighteen: A Solitary Taste **

Two weeks later…

Tomorrow…Tomorrow was the big day. The beginning of the rest of my life…with Angela. Our wedding….It was going to be very small, no more than ten people. Angela has no family, no friends. Which I think it's pretty weird, considering she's such an interesting person. I mean, a lot of people would be her friend. But she's really shy and just hangs out at our apartment, painting all night and working all day. There are times when she won't even speak to me. But, it's okay. It's one of those relationships where silence means more than words.

I invited some of my family members, those that I still kept in touch with. After Dad and Carly's death, I kept to myself, losing most of the people that tried to reach out to me. Grandpa tried to send me to therapy, so I told him where he should stick the idea. I wasn't myself. For six months, I wasn't Spencer. I was someone else. It was like I was living a nightmare and I kept hoping that I would wake up one day and my family will still be there. But it never happened. I started drinking after Dad died. Carly had just gotten out from the hospital when I told her the news. And that she missed his funeral. She cried and locked herself in the bathroom. I felt so awful. Everything was falling down around me and I went out to the liquor store, just needing to vent. I don't know how many bottles I bought. All I know is that I brought them home and drunk every single bottle. I woke up with a hang over and learned my lesson. Three weeks later, Carly died. I wanted to drink, so bad. But I didn't. I knew that's what Carly didn't want me to do. And that thought made me stop. I drunk now and then, but it was social. Wine with dinner, out drinking with Socko, things like that. Socko told me that anyone could go all or nothing, that the strong man can have moderation.

I called Sam's apartment a week ago and Freddie answered the phone. I barely recognized his voice. It was tired, yet when I said that it was I calling, he perked up, asking a lot of questions about the wedding. I asked him if he wanted to go to my bachelor's party. He paused, telling me to hold on. He then said that he could come. I told him the address. It was Socko's house. His wife and the triplets are at the in-laws and will be back in time for the wedding. His daughter, Lily, was going to be the flower girl. Angela said that she was going to work late, get in a few hours of overtime before our honeymoon. We were going on an Alaskan cruise.

Now, I was sitting on my couch with some of my best guy friends. I was wondering where Freddie was. Then, I got a knock on the door. I quickly answered it and saw him, "Hey, man, you made it." Freddie smiled at me, "Long time, no see. Of course I came." He turned around and waved to a cab. I saw Sam sitting in the cab seat. She smiled at him and waved back. She blew him a kiss and Freddie blew one back. The cab soon drove away. "Aw…" I said as Freddie looked back to me, his face heating up.

He had grown at least an inch since I last saw him. His hair had grown out, too. His skin had paled two shades since we last met. He was wearing black sunglasses, which I think is weird, considering it isn't that sunny out. There are also a few scars on his face, kind of like burn marks. They were faint, but they were there.

"So…you're getting married…I never thought that you would get married," Freddie remarked, sitting on the porch railing. "Why is that?" I asked. Freddie smirked, "Well, you're….Spencer…I always thought that you'd just be traveling around, always being a bachelor. Just going where you want, doing what you want." I could hear the longing in his voice.

I've always been concerned about teen romances. They shouldn't be so serious. It only took six months for Sam and Freddie to start making plans together. When they got married, when they had kids, where they would live, what they would do. It concerned me a lot that neither Sam nor Freddie "played the field" to put it bluntly. They needed to see other people, to experience all types of love and friendship. And to go through high school and their early twenties without commitment. To experience life and all it's wonders. But, I wasn't them. I'm sure if I had met Angela when I was their age, I would be the same way. But I wonder how my life would have been now.

"What's with the glasses?" I asked. "Just styling," Freddie said, coolly. I laughed at that, "Oh, you're not turning player on me are you?" I asked, snatching the glasses off. I saw Freddie's pupils dilated and he hissed in pain. He put his hands on his eyes. I grew concerned, "Freddie, what's wrong?" He groaned, "Give me, my glasses." I quickly gave him the sunglasses. He put them on and sighed in relief. "What was up with that?" I asked. "I'm not used to the light," Freddie said, keeping his eyes closed. I was confused, "What do you mean?" Freddie paused a bit and forced a smile on his face, "Nevermind, typical computer geek that never goes out…I haven't got used to the sun yet."

I could tell he was lying. See, I played poker with Socko's wife, Texas, and she taught me how to figure out when someone is bluffing. When I lie, my eyes go to the bottom left and my foot starts to tap. When Freddie lies, he puts his hands in his pocket and his eyes zone out.

When Carly lies, she curls up her lips and stretches her fingers when she lies. I wished I had known that before.

"Well, come on in," I said, going into Socko's house. Freddie came in, looking around the house in curiosity, it is then when he takes off the sunglasses. "Spencer, you're just in time. We were about to toast without you," Socko said, holding up a wine bottle. I laughed as I took the bottle, "Yeah, yeah. I'll make the first one." I quickly poured wine into the glasses and handed them to my friends. I sighed, "Guys, some of you I know. Others, I don't. The ones I do know are here to watch me leave single-guy-hood. The others are here because Socko forgot that today was the day of the Super Bowl and he double-booked." There were a few laughs from the guys at the couch, watching the game.

"But, seriously though, I never thought that I would get married…especially to Angie…She came into my life at the right time and helped me…through the death of my little sister, Carly, and my father. By this time tomorrow, Angela and I will be married and heading to Alaskan to freeze our butts off. But, I will be sending souvenirs to all my buds. Because you guys been with me since we were kids. I can only lose the love of my life once, but it'll take five times to lose all of my best friends. So a toast to friends!" The boys cheered and clicked their glasses before taking a sip. "Okay, okay, my turn," Socko said, taking control, "Spencer, my man…Getting married was like plunging face first into lava. They'll be pain, but then the pain disappears and the rest will be heaven. Because as soon as you put your face in the lava, you're going to die." I rolled my eyes, "Beautiful simile." Socko smirked and we clicked our glasses, "To lava!"

I noticed that Freddie was just putting his lips to the glass, not really drinking. "You don't like wine?" I asked. Freddie just shook his head, "I…I don't drink." I raised an eyebrow, "Really? How old are you again?" He blushed in embarrassment, "Alcohol destroys your liver…." Socko laughed at that, "Personally, kid, I'd rather die of liver failure at sixty than live to eighty."

Freddie shrugged. "Come on, just one glass," I said, smiling. "Al…Alright," Freddie said, drinking the wine. He smiled, "Not bad…Really good after taste of grapes, that's the part I like…" He put a hand to his throat, "It kind of hurts, though." I grinned and looked at Socko, "Hey, go fix this guy a mojito. Oh, and a Long Island Ice Tea. Let's see what he likes." Socko nodded as he went into my kitchen. Freddie shook his head, "I'm not sure about this, Spencer.." I laughed and pat his shoulder, "Come on, Freddie, live a little…" Socko came back with the drinks, "See what you like." Freddie drunk the Long Island Ice Tea, shrugging. He then went to the mojito and as soon as his lips hit the glass, the green drink went down his throat like there was no tomorrow. He even licked the bottom of the glass, "Is there more?" Socko laughed, "Pace yourself buddy, you've had three drinks already."

Freddie laughed at that, looking very relaxed, "I love this stuff. I haven't felt this way in…years." I smiled as I put my arm around his shoulders, "I'm glad to have you back, my man." I didn't feel like drinking tonight. I didn't want to suffer a hang over on my wedding day. Freddie laughed as he pulled something out. It was a glistening diamond ring that was surrounded by rubies, "I'm going to ask Sam to marry me…" I smiled, "Congratulations, Freddie." He smiled as he put the ring in his pocket. Socko had disappeared into the kitchen and came out with three glasses of mojitos. I shot a warning glare at Socko. After all, Freddie was just a kid.

Freddie eagerly grabbed the glasses and drunk all of it down. I won't be surprised if he would wake up tomorrow, half-dead. I knew he was going to get an earful from Sam when he got home.

The party went on with no more interruptions. Socko sneaked Freddie a few drops of wine every now and then. It only took an hour before Freddie started swaying and his words slurred. He became extremely outgoing and laidback, not the Freddie I knew. But he's grown a lot since he was a teenager and I wasn't that surprised. But I had to get him home. The party was almost over and he wasn't in any condition to even catch a cab.

"Yo, Socko, I better go. I'm taking Mr. Mojito home," I called out as I picked Freddie up from the couch. "See you later, Spencer" Socko said, saluting me. "I don't want to go home," Freddie said like a child. I laughed and helped him up, "Come on." Freddie could barely stand up, he was so wasted. He finally steadied himself and staggered over to the door. I walked out of the house and got on my motorcycle. I handed Freddie my extra helmet. He put it on, "It smells like…like…what's the word? Oh, yeah, paint…" I said, putting on my helmet, "Angela usually uses that helmet." Freddie nodded as got on and wrapped his arms around me. I started up the motorcycle and drove down the road.

"I hate her," I heard him mutter. "Hate who?" I asked, not really listening. He didn't answer. A mile or so after, he asked, "Spen…Spencer, could you pull…pull over?" I nodded, pulling over to a deserted part of the road. Freddie quickly got off the motorcycle and went near a bush. He immediately started throwing up. His body was able to handle all the alcohol he had in his system. I sighed as I waited, patiently, for him to stop. It took a few minutes to get it out of his system. He gave me the thumbs up while wiping the bit of vomit off his lips with the sleeve of his jacket. I rolled my eyes, used to dealing with friends that had one too many. Freddie soon took of his jacket and threw it by the bush, deciding that it was ruined. He stepped out back to the motorcycle. I looked over to him. He was wearing a blue short-sleeved shirt with a silver dragon accent on the pocket protector. But that's not what attracted my attention. What attracted my attention were the marks on his wrists. Not cuts, but long thin red marks that went around his wrist.

Come to think about it, I know them. They're called "ligature marks" They're from being tied up with wires or rope.

"Freddie…your wrists," I pointed out. Freddie looked at them and laughed, harshly. I was taken aback. I never heard him laugh like that. It was so unlike him. He finished his laugh and said, angrily, "You don't know…You never knew…She knew, she knew…I didn't ask for her help. I didn't need her help. But she offered it. She promised me, she swore to me. But then she lied…lied to everyone. I hate her!" He finished his mini rant with an anguish yell. He then said, changing his tone completely, "But she loves me." He got on the motorcycle and wrapped his arms around me like nothing happened. I sighed as I started up my motorcycle and drove down the road.

I convinced myself it was just the rantings of a drunken man. Besides, none of it made any sense. What in the world was he talking about?

I drove over to Freddie's apartment building. I looked at my watch. It was a bit after midnight. Freddie got off the motorcycle, hiccupping. He was singing some song that I couldn't really decipher the lyrics. I knew that he was in no condition to get to the apartment so I helped him inside. "Which apartment is yours?" I asked. "Tenth floor, apartment J4." He responded, calming down. I helped him up to the elevator and to his apartment. Freddie knocked on the apartment door and opened it, realizing it was unlocked. He went inside. I was about to leave when I heard a scream.

"Where the hell have you been?!" I heard Sam scream. I then saw her throw a lamp at Freddie. It hit his arm, leaving a mark from the base on his shoulder. "Ah, you bitch," Freddie muttered, rubbing his shoulder. "What the hell did you just call me, you little freak bastard!" Sam screamed, grabbing his wrist and pushing him against the wall. I soon cleared my throat, "Um, hi Sam." The blonde immediately took control of herself. She looked at me with wide eyes, "Spencer…what are you doing here?" I answered, "Freddie had a bit too much to drink, I helped him home. It's not his fault. Socko and I sort of made him…" Sam looked at me, embarrassed, "Oh…" She looked back at Freddie and let go of him, "I'm sorry…" Freddie put his hand up, "No…no worries, my beautiful little tiger…" Sam smirked softly, "Tiger, oh, aren't you sweet?"

I stood there, feeling uncomfortable, "I better go…The wedding's at noon, so can you guys come?" Sam asked, "Will there be food?" I nodded, "Of course." Sam nodded, "Then we will go." Freddie laughed at that before falling down on the couch. I told Sam, "He'll pass out soon, so don't worry about him." Sam shrugged, "I'll take care of him…You can leave now…" I nodded at the rude goodbye and just left, "See you later, Freddie, Sam." Freddie waved, not looking at me, "Goodbye, giraffe." Sam burst out laughing and shut the door behind me.

I sighed in exhaustion. I wondered what all that was about. I never saw Sam act that way to Freddie, not in a long time. What if…Wait, no it can't be. Freddie would tell me if something like that was going on. Then again, what if he couldn't? No, I'm over-analyzing this. Couples fight all the time…Angela and I fight…Not like that, but we do fight.

All I can say is that it can't be happening.

_Yay, my longest chapter yet._


	19. I Am Not A Disaster

_Here's another short chapter, but don't worry. I will make it up. Chapter Twenty is going to be much longer since it's Carly's diary entries and Chapter Twenty's going to be very important._

_**To My Reviewers:**_

_**Sockstar:**__ Yeah, sort of. Spencer's not a person that puts things together easily._

_**icarlyrocks:**__ ^^ Thanks. I thought it was funny and it would lighten up the story a bit._

_**Roseheart**__: I love long reviews. Especially when they really analyze the story itself. It makes me feel better and I came except any critique. I want to be one of those authors that have books that people discuss about. Books that kids have to write reports on, books that make people think, books that have people arguing about the symbolism of "the mojitio being Freddie's favorite drink at the party". ^^ Sorry about that, I got carried away. Anyway, you should write as much in a review as you want to. I love them. And don't worry, I won't make the ending fluffy. The ending is going to be sort of open in case I will write a sequel. This is a really dark story dealing a lot with sanity and loss and pain and revenge and the cycle of life. I will not dishonor the story by making a crappy ending._

_**Hello!!!:**__ Oh, thank you. ^^ I'm an actress so whenever I write, I get into their shoes. What would they do in that situation? I don't modify the characters, I modify the situation._

**Chapter Nineteen: I Am Not A Disaster**

It's been two weeks since I saw Freddie. Well, I talked to him, on the phone. For the last two weeks he had been in his apartment. He told me he was sick and he couldn't leave the apartment. I offered to come over and take care of him, but he told me no. I guess I was being too nosy for my own good. I started to call him last week and he called me at times too.

We spent a great time discussing Shakespeare. He could quote Othello and King Leer word for word. His favorite is As You Like It. He always felt a connection with Silivus. I asked him why and he laughed and told me about this girl he was "in love" with when he was a tween. Her name was Carly. She constantly rejected him no matter what he did. But he abruptly ended his trip down memory lane by mentioning that she died. He quickly went on to another subject. I had tried to bring it up again, but he either hung up or got really agitated. Soon, I let it go. He would tell me when he was ready.

I also got close to this young woman that I met in my bakery. She came in everyday to get blueberry crème filled donuts for her boss. And she got some donuts for herself. We weren't on real name basis. We called each other by nickname. I was "The Gingerbread Lady" and she was _Tuli. _It's Finnish for fire. And that's what she was. Aggressive, short temper, yet she was warm and comforting. Like fire itself. We became fast friends. Sometimes, if I was working late, she would come after three and we would have coffee. She talked about work and her personal life. I talked to her about mine.

I was sitting on my couch, watching the Twilight Zone. It was around three o'clock in the morning. Jackson had dozed off not too long ago. He was in the easy chair by the window, curled up. He looked so much like his father. Jackson was too young to be on any sleep medication so there was nothing I could do to make him better. I felt awful and I started talking to Gibby about it. He told me that I didn't need to blame myself. But I still do.

I had Jackson a few weeks before my twentieth birthday. It was the day before Halloween that he was born. Six pounds, three ounces, and the sweetest thing I ever seen. Sure, it hurt like hell. I'm not sure how I can explain it. It was like having a cramp times fifty thousand. But it doesn't go away after a few minutes. It lasts for hours. It doesn't help that I'm in a room full of strangers and my husband's family. I screamed until my voice became hoarse and I slipped into a state of silent pain. I cursed everyone from Heaven to Hell. I wasn't in my right mind, slipping in and out of fantasy and reality. But then I snapped back to reality when they handed me Jackson. He had a good set of lungs was all I could say. He soon quieted down and stared at me. It was when the "happy" aunts and uncles and grandparents that swarmed around him, that's when he started crying again. The doctor asked me what I wanted to name the baby. After a stream of remarks from the family, I yelled out, "Jackson!" Could you imagine the hell I got? Oh, and when I secretly got him Christened? I was given the death glare by all of them for the two months afterwards. They wanted him to be Jewish. They already made plans for his bar mitzvah. I was fine with the culture and the customs, but I wanted him to be a Christian.

Jackson soon stirred, waking up. I looked at the clock. He had been asleep for ten minutes. "Mom, can you tell me a story?" He asked. I raised my eyebrows, "A story?" He nodded, numbly. I sighed as I went over to his chair and picked him up. I was a strong woman, being able to support his weight. I carried him over to his bed and tucked him in. I sat on his bed and turned on the lamp. I reached for a book, but he shook his head. "No, I want you to tell a story." I sighed and smiled, slightly, "Sure, kiddo."

I began my story….

_Once upon a time there was a dark, ugly witch that kept the prince of a kingdom under her spell. She stole his life, keeping him all to herself. For years and years, he stayed her prisoner, watching himself get older. Then a female warrior drifted to the kingdom. She was very young. She was only alive for eighteen winters before she came. She fell in love with the prince when they looked at each other one day. He, enchanted by her youth and happiness, wanted to be closer to her. She was captivated by his intelligence and his maturity. The evil witch found out about this and…she sent two of her minions to try to light her home on fire. However, the female warrior was able to save herself and her home before there was any damage. The prince soon became strong enough to leave the witch and break her spell. The witch was shocked and tried to get the prince back, but he refused to consider it. She threatened to take away his wealth, his status, etc. But he believed his freedom and the warrior's love was worth more to him than that. They were married three seasons after they had met. No one understood what they saw in each other, because they appeared so different. The warrior was hated, scorned at for saving the prince. So, they moved to another part of the kingdom, near the prince's family. The king and queen welcomed their son's bride. But the warrior learned that the royal family was not what they seemed to be. They were no better than the common robbers on the street and each was greedier than the last. However, her love for the prince was strong enough for her to ignore that._

Jackson was asleep after I finished the story. I smiled slightly before I whispered, "I would tell you that they lived happily ever after, but I would be lying…"

_Thanks for reading, it's just a little insight into Vivian's mind…_


	20. The Second Circle

Oy, school starts tomorrow so it might be a long time before you see another update. Oh, and who's excited about iThinkTheyKissed. Me! Me! Me!

_**To My Reviewers:**_

_**icarlyrocks**__: Thanks, kept on reading._

_**-Seddie-rules**__: Thank you. Vivian is a beautiful mixture of the indulgent girl, yet the caring saint. A difficult character to portray, even in the best of times. She's my favorite OC_

_**Roseheart**__: I love your reviews, let me start out with that. They're so helpful and I'm really glad that someone loves my work enough to write them. Shakespeare has always interested me and I saw Freddie being a person that would embrace the past and the future by his love of computes and Shakespeare. Vivian's story is extremely detailed, and just remember that just because it's her POV, that doesn't mean she's telling the whole story. As for transforming the characters, I just made them deeper than what they appear to be on screen. I watch iCarly at least twice everyday to see the little things I can pick up on. There's a reason why they do what they do and I try to figure it out. And once again, thanks for the kind words._

_**Hello!!:**__ Thanks for your review. And don't worry about it, I'll take any review. My bit of advice is just to spell check. It's kind of hard to read your reviews and I hate to miss out on an important critique. Hm, I never read anything by Jodi Picout. I hope it's an compliment. LOL_

Chapter Twenty: The Second Circle

_Dear Diary, September 20, 2009 _

_I think that what happened last week wasn't going to happen again. I mean, if anything Sam and Freddie seem closer than ever before. I remember waking up at three thirty in the morning yesterday because Sam called me, gushing with news. Freddie had slept over at her house and they spent most of the evening on her bed, watching movies. They had fallen asleep half way through Friday The Thirteenth. She had just woke up and realize they were in each other's arms. She wanted to tell me how good she felt. Like I was interested. I didn't need the reminder of their everlasting love. Especially when I haven't had a date since spring. I just "yeah"ed her whenever she paused, not really listening. She quicked a goodbye and hung up after awhile. _

_I have been having dreams. They sort of shock me in a way. It's hard to describe. There's a room. I recognize the kitchen in my dream. I then see it disappear and there's a swirl of black and white and gray. No color at all save for a yellow light that's growing stronger and stronger until it finally blinds me. I then see nothing except black nothingness. At first I didn't pay it attention. Now, I can't help but shudder at it. _

_Freddie is my partner in my English class for a report of a Shakespeare play. It's called "The Merchant of Venice" I'm really glad that I got assigned with Freddie on this because he's a trivia champ when it comes to Shakespeare. He actually understands what the characters are talking about. Freddie did most of the work and taught me some things about the story. It's pretty good. Freddie says that it's his favorite play next to As You Like It. He kept referring to this monologue that the character Shylock has. It's about how pissed off he is that he's being treated different because he's a Jew. _

_Love, Miss Carly Shay _

_Dear Diary, September 21, 2009_

_Sam asked me to do something…And I'm not sure I can do it. You see, Sam asked me to hit on Freddie. She wanted to make sure that he was staying faithful to her and since I used to be the love of his life, it would be a real test. I really don't want to, but she pushed me into it. She told me that after the iCarly show tomorrow I would make Freddie stay late while she left. I would flirt with him and see if he responded. I would then report to Sam as soon as he left. I'm stuck with it. But I know Freddie. He would just be a little weirded out, but other than that nothing will happen. _

_I like Freddie…I think I made that pretty clear. He's just so smart and funny and sweet. I know he loves Sam and all. And Sam's my best friend. And I hate to sound like a bitch but…I saw him first. I can't help but feel nauseated whenever I see them in class together. They text constantly, no matter the class. Since Freddie is so smart it doesn't matter. But Sam's grades are slipping from her usual C+ standards. But I'm getting off subject. Even if Freddie wasn't with Sam, we couldn't be going out. I lost hundreds of chances that Freddie threw at me. It used to be that I was the only girl he ever saw. All others faded away. But starting last year, he changed. He started checking out other girls. At first he wouldn't say anything about it. But then I would listen to him talk with his guy friends about how hot a cheerleader is or how gorgeous an actress is. Then he started naming names. And my name had been taken off the list. He gave up and moved on. Into the waiting arms of Sam Puckett. _

_Love, Miss Carly Shay _

_Dear Diary, September 25__th__, 2009 _

_Spencer surprised me today. He said that the owner of the local art gallery agreed to show his sculptures at a gallery opening. He wanted me, Sam, and Freddie to be his guests. I was so excited for him. I called Sam and Freddie and we put on our best outfits. I picked a pink dress that went down to my knees. It was strapless so I wore a golden necklace with a "C" charm on it. Sam picked out a purple dress that resembled something she would wear to an '80s party, but it was probably the fanciest thing she owned. She also had five inch high heels on. The heels were cylinders, not prisms like most heels on shoes. Freddie wore a neatly pressed suit that looked like something his mom picked out, but he was able to spice it up a little. He wore a purple tie to match Sam's dress. He gelled his hair and wore a gold chain around his neck. They were both stunning. I felt so plain in my dress. _

_Spencer had rented a limo so we arrived in style. We walked into the gallery and saw all of his beautiful sculptures. He was being congratulated by a lot of people, so Sam, Freddie, and I went on our own to look around. Sam got bored easily so she went to attack the buffet table. Freddie and I looked around at the art. We didn't really talk and if we did it was able the sculptures. Fifteen minutes later, Sam came to us, complaining on how bored she was and she shoes.. Freddie tried to get her interested, but she was stubborn. He then got frustrated and told her to stop acting like a two year old. Sam snapped back and told him that she was more bored than the time Freddie explained Hamlet to her. They soon started arguing, to the point that I felt extremely awkward. I tried to calm them down, but it was like I didn't exist. Then they started raising their voices. People started staring and whispering to each other. I just wanted to blend in with the wall, hoping that it will all just go away. But it just got worst. _

_Soon, security had to escort them out of the gallery. I followed them outside while they tried to hail a began screaming at Freddie, calling him an embarrassing loser. Instead of escalating as well, Freddie just stayed quiet. Like he was used to it. She shoved him into the cab and she got in. I got in with them. I doubt they knew I was there. I then yelled at them, getting their attention. Sam and Freddie apologized to each other and started kissing. It was weird how they could snap back and forth. I told the cab to stop and I got out in front of my apartment. I expected Freddie to get out as well, but I guess he was spending the night at Sam's. He's spent the night at her place a lot. I'm not sure why. _

_Sam called me later to apologize. She was panting and it was hard to understand her. I thought I heard some crying in the background, but Sam said it was the TV. It made me very suspicious, but I didn't say anything. Maybe I should have. _

_Love, Miss Carly Shay _

_Dear Diary, September 28, 2009 _

_I have so much to write and I can't stop writing. It's probably going to take me an hour to write this all down. But I have to. I need , we are all finishing up the iCarly show and Sam starts to leave. I asked Freddie to stay behind with me to add a few finishing touches on our project. He agreed and got on his computer, looking over the report. I got on the barstool next to him and watched him work. We talked for a bit and I asked, "Freddie, if I were a Shakespeare character, who would I be?" Freddie laughed softly and said, "Well, there were many times when I thought you were Phebe. Proud and outgoing, wanting only the best. And I was not the best." I was about to apologize when he continued, "No, I see you now as Bianca. Sweet, agreeable, the perfect suitor to any male that is not scared off my your "sister"." He used air quotes for sister. He then explained, "Sam. In this scenario she is like Katerina." I pretended to know what he was talking about by nodding my head. He then quoted, "__.as I told you before.I am unto Vincentio of Pisa, diguised thus to get your love. and that "Lucentio" that comes a-wooing, is my man Tranio. bearing my port, that we might beguile the old pantaloon."_

_I then asked, "You remembered all that? From the top of your head?" Freddie shrugged, "It's not the best quote in the play. But it speaks for itself. You should read it." I then asked, "Does Sam like Shakespeare as much as you do?" Freddie smirked slightly, "Sam doesn't even know the difference between Hamlet and MacBeth. As far as she's concerned they're both "Crazy hobknockers." So no. She won't even let me write any poems for her. She doesn't like spending more than thirty seconds trying to translate something." I moved closer to him, so that my shoulder was touching his. "I would be happy with a guy who wrote me poems like that. I mean, they're so beautiful." I then smiled as I laughed, "But soft, what light yond the window break. It is the east and Juliet is the sun….That's all I know." Freddie smiled at me as he moved his barstool closer as well, "You know…Your boyfriend is going to be a very lucky man." I could feel my cheeks blush and I looked away, "What do you mean?" _

_"Because, he would be able to do this," Freddie said. He then put his hand on my cheek so I would look at him. He pulled a strand of hair out of my face and put his lips on mine. I was not expecting this. I thought I heard footsteps run away, but I didn't pay it any attention. I pulled away, not able to look at Freddie. "Sorry," he muttered. He was about to get off the stool when I grabbed his hand. That caused him to fall off the stool and to the floor. I fell down with him, landing on top of him. We looked at each other and just laughed. It was so funny that things like this happened. I soon got off him, rolling onto the carpet by my beanbags. Freddie followed him, laying down next to me. He looked over to me and smiled, "You know…I don't care what anyone says. You're the prettiest like this." I asked what he meant. He pointed out, "No make up, casual outfit, unbrushed hair. You look so natural. Nothing is fake about you." I blushed. I mean, I'm supposed to be the one flirting. I looked at him and his cute boyish smile and I hugged him. To my surprise, he wince slightly and moved away. _

_"What's wrong?" I asked. He shook his head, "Nothing…" I put my hand on his back and his winced again. "Freddie, what are you hiding from me?" I asked. Freddie sighed as he took off his shirt. The first thing I saw was a lot of bruises on his chest. But he quickly turned to show me small red circles the size of nickels all over his back. "What happened?" I asked. A few minutes of silence past before he sighed. "I might as well tell you the truth. Sam…stomped on me the other night. The night of Spencer's gallery opening. Remember her high heels that she kept complaining about? That's what she used on me." I sighed as put my hand on his bare shoulder, feeling the soft skin. "Why don't you fight back?" I asked. "Sam is so much stronger than me…" Freddie whispered, "And I don't want to hurt her." I asked, "Then, why don't you just break up with her?" Freddie stood up and got his shirt. He put it back on, "I can't. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. You know her, she's your best friend…Don't tell her what you saw and what I said." He got on the elevator and went down. It took me a few minutes to realize that I was crying. Sam called me an hour later and asked if he flirted back with me. I told her nothing happened. I never lied to her about something like that. _

_I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to say. Sam's my best friend, practically my sister. I can't betray her like this. I have to look out for her. Maybe this will blow over…Maybe this is all just some crazy dream and when we woke up it will all be alright._

_Love, Miss Carly Shay_

_Ta-da!_


	21. The Mocking Silence

_Back again at the first Friday of the school year. Woosie. ^^_

**To My Reviewers:**

_**Sockstar**__: Thanks for saying so. You may or you may not be right._

**Star-gazing-in-LA**: Thank you for your compliments. And don't worry, I love long reviews. ^^ Whenever I watch something, I always wonder "why did he say that?" or "why did she do that" I am able to get a clear understanding on the character. A story with nothing without well-rounded characters.

_**Discostick0shalah**__: Updated, as you wish. Yes, it is depressing, luckily there are some happy and funny moments._

_**Hello!!:**__ There are ten chapters between each collections of diaries. Carly has deep issues like every human being and I want to show people that. Oh,, and yes, Melanie will be brought into the story._

**Chapter Twenty-One: The Mocking Silence**

My eyes flutter open and as soon as I registered that I was awake, I felt a sharp throbbing pain in my head. My stomach twists and turns and I felt like I was going to throw up all over myself. I groaned as I turned over to a more comfortable position. I lied on my stomach and buried my face into my pillow, hoping to go back asleep. It's dark, no light in sight. Then, I heard the door open and light filled in the room. I hissed in irritation as I looked to the door. Sam came into the room, "Come on, Freddie, and get out of bed." I glared at her, "Are you kidding me? It's practically dawn…" Sam went over to the window and pulled the blinds to bring in more light. "It's almost eleven thirty. Go shower and get dressed. Spencer's wedding, remember?" Sam spoke as she looked back to me. I put my hand to my head, "To hell with weddings…" I rolled out of my bed, completely forgetting about gravity. I fell to the floor. I cried out in pain as I tried to sit up. Sam walked over to me and helped me up. I noticed she was wearing a yellow dress that wrapped around her tightly, accenting her slim, but very curvy, figure. It looked like her hips were about to bust out of the dress, but it was truly sexy.

The last two weeks have been a trip back and forth between heaven and hell in a crazy roller coaster that would rival the best of the best. Sam didn't really comprehend the thought of anything going in between me and Carly, so I was off the hook for my comment, at least, for the time being. However, last week was a brutal nightmare. I still have scars on my wrists from it.

I will remember it to the day I die.

It was a Thursday. Sam had just came home from work. I could smell the gingerbread she had in her paper bag. She usually brought some home every other day, it depended on if she worked late or not. We shared the gingerbread men and snuggled up on the couch. I wanted to go to bed early. I had gotten up around four thirty in the morning to finish up a designing job. I also had a small headache from staring at the screen for many hours on end. I got off the couch, telling Sam that I was going to bed. I went into the bedroom and took off my shirt. I looked around for my pajama pants and slipped them on after I took my jeans off. I threw the clothes in the hamper before getting into the bed. Sam came into the bedroom a few minutes later.

I wasn't asleep yet, so I watched her. She took off her shirt and pants to reveal a black silk teddy on her body. She didn't say anything as she got on the bed and tried to take the covers off me. I knew what she wanted. I knew what every motion and gesture meant. I decided to indulge her by kissing her. I wrapped my arms around her small waist and kissed her. She smiled, thinking that she had won my approval. I decided to stop when she started to stick her tongue into my mouth. I pulled away from her, "Goodnight, Sam." Even if I wanted what she wanted, I couldn't do it. Call me a prude or whatever, but I wanted to wait. Sam pulled me back to her and tried to kiss me again. I gave her a look to tell her I wasn't playing anymore. She rolled her eyes and wrapped her arms around me, rubbing her body against mine in a suggestive way. I wanted to give in to my desires, but I stopped myself from responding. I got out of her grasp, "Stop it." Then she said something that set me off.

"Since when did you become such a fag?"

I didn't even know what happened next. All I know is that my hand was tingling. I heard her cry out. Her hand was on her cheek, it was turning red. I realized what I had done. I slapped her. I didn't even have time to apologize before she socked me right in my jaw. I cried out and my head knocked back against the headboard. I felt dizzy. The room was moving all around me. I don't know how much time had past before I came to. By the time I was able to analyze the situation, Sam was off the bed. I looked over to see what she was doing. She was looking through her gym bag. Sometimes she brought home equipment from her self-defense class if it was broken. She brought out two jump ropes. They each had broken handles. She took one jump rope and took my wrist. She pinned my hand to the bedpost and wrapped the rope around my wrist as tight as she could. She bound it around and tied it, tightly. It was then when I realized the gravity of the situation. I tried to pull my hand out, but it was too tight. I went to untie the rope, but she had already taken my other hand and pinned it against the other bedpost. I could barely speak. It felt like it wasn't real.

_This isn't happening. This __**couldn't**__ be happening. It's not possible. Girls can't do that to boys. Right?…Right?!_

I tried to free my hands, but it was of little use. I then started to scream, hoping someone would hear and help me. However, that plan soon failed when she grabbed a sock from the hamper and stuck it in my mouth. I started choking. I couldn't breathe. I tried to calm myself so I wouldn't suffocate to death. I soon succeeded and was able to control my breathing. Sam got on the bed once more. She started to pull down my pants. I was alarmed, I was freaking out. I didn't care who she was at this point. She was someone that was going to hurt me, seriously hurt me, and take something from me that I could never get back. I had to defend myself; it didn't matter to me if I hurt her. I kicked her off, knocking her in her mouth. She cried out and rubbed her mouth. She growled and gave me a firm bite on my chest. I tried to scream, but it was all muffled. I was in a sea of pain and fear. Blood started to come out of the bite wound and the wound itself started to turn purple and loose. Sam hissed at me to regain my attention, her eyes were dark and narrow like a snake, "Stay still." I obeyed her, trying to figure out what to do. I tried to black out, wanting to be somewhere other than here.

She finally took off my pants and ran her fingers down my thighs. My body started to respond, being pleased by this sensual touch. But I didn't want this. I didn't understand why my body was betraying me like this. I felt so exposed, like everyone could see me. Like I was in a glass cage in a zoo and everyone was watching me. "See, you want this," Sam pointed out. I didn't, yet I did. I didn't understand. I was so confused. I wanted to do this with her. But not now, not like this. No bondage, no perversion of the most beautiful act a man and a woman could do with each other. I had morals, I had values, and I couldn't be doing this now. However, the most natural, yet the most savage, part of me wanted to say, "Screw this, I'm going to do what I want to do."

I tensed up, waiting for her wrath to over take me. However, nothing happened. She looked at me and took out the sock. I panted for air as I looked at her. "Consider this a warning," Sam said, coldly. She then untied the jump ropes and pushed me off the bed. I fell to the ground, knocking my head on the end table. Not enough to make my head bleed, but enough to hurt. Sam said, staring at me, "You can sleep on the couch tonight." She got under the covers and said, perky, "Good night, Freddie, I love you." I stood up and went into the living room. I didn't even patch up the bleeding bite wound on my chest. I just started crying and I couldn't stop.

From that night on, I had nightmares about what happened. Horrible, vivid, graphic nightmares that made me wake up in a pool of tears. Sam would be holding me, asking me what kind of dream would make me so upset. I wanted to scream that she was the cause of all this. How dare she try to comfort me?!

Yet, the mere fact that she did comfort me proved to me that she loved me. It was a strange love, but it worked for over five years. It had to have some meaning to it. Like Othello, I was a man that "love not wisely, but deeply"

I walked into the bathroom, yawning. I stared in the mirror. My scars were healing up nicely, but there probably will be permanent marks on my face. My eyes are bloodshot. I can barely remember the days when I would look into the mirror and see white eyes. My hair is a mess. I got in the shower and let the warm water engulf me. I scrubbed my body, hoping to clean myself. Ever since that night, I would scrub and scrub, but I still felt as dirty as that night. No matter how hot the water was or how much soap I used. I almost scalded myself (again) the morning after. I spent two hours in the shower. I haven't had two-hour showers since I moved out of my mom's apartment.

I got out of the shower and dried myself off. I noticed that Sam had put my tuxedo in the bathroom with some new boxers. I smiled slightly as I slipped the clothes on. I walked out of the bathroom and got on my shoes. Sam was in the living room, snacking on a chicken wing. I glanced at her and raised an eyebrow. She smiled at me and showed me a bucket of chicken wings and breasts, "Chicken?" Surprisingly, I nodded, "Yeah." I took a wing and bit into it. And I actually finished it. I guess my appetite finally came back.

Mojito. I think that this is what Socko called it. It was delicious. I had to have it. And it made me forget about that night. It made me forget about everything that blonde demon has done to me. I loved forgetting. I loved having fun. I loved what that drink did to me. But then it made me remember Carly. What she did, what I did, what Sam did. Those long months of uncertainty. I will always remember the smirk on Sam's face when Carly lied. I remembered my anger, my words. I didn't speak to Carly for two weeks. It wasn't until Carly was admitted to the hospital that I finally told her that I forgave her.

Anyway, I had to have more of that drink. That delicious piece of happiness. I wondered if I could order it off the Internet and have it delivered to the apartment. All it gave me was a headache and I only threw up once. And it helped me get my appetite back. It didn't seem as bad as the anti-alcohol after-school specials that Mom brainwashed me with.

"Let's go," Sam said, getting her purse. I nodded and grabbed another chicken wing, "Okay." She went to door and unlocked it. She opened the door and we went out. I wondered why it was that she was letting me out now. I guess it was to avoid any suspicious questions from Spencer. We went down the elevator and went out of the building. Luckily, the sky was overcast, so the sunlight didn't hurt my eyes that much. Sam hailed a cab and it took us to the church over on the other side of Seattle. Sam was pissed off that she had to pay a lot of money for the ride. If you asked me, we should just save our money to buy a car.

We got to the church near noon. We quickly got out of the cab and into the church. Not a lot of people were there. Spencer was at the alter, being prepped by his best man, Socko. Spencer never looked so nervous in his entire life. Sam and I sat down at the pew in the second row. It wasn't long before the organist started playing. The cute little flower girl, known as Socko's daughter Lily, walked down the aisle, tossing rose petals on the aisle. She quickly finished and staid put. Automatically, we looked behind us to see Spencer's bride go down the aisle. She sure looked beautiful. She had on a long sleeved white dress with a long train behind her. She had a veil over her face. Spencer looked like he was about to pass out. As soon as Angela stood before Spencer, the priest began the process.

Inside my tuxedo's pocket, I had a lovely little ring for Sam. I was going to propose to her after the wedding. I was more confident than ever that I wanted to do this. I knew that if we could survive a night like that, than surely we would be together forever and ever.

The wedding went on quickly, I was drifting in and out of attention. I quickly came back to the wedding when Spencer and Angela kissed. It was so perfect and I couldn't wait for Sam and I to experience this. Spencer and Angela walked away from the alter, hand in hand and laughed as they left the church, in their own little world. "To Alaska! To Alaska!" They laughed as they ran off. I smiled as I watched them go. Sam and I stood up and left the church. We took each other's hands as we walked out. I then stopped, "Sam…" She turned to me, "Yes, Freddie?" I sighed as I let go of her hand. I got on one knee and looked up at her. Her eyes were wide in surprise and she instantly smiled.

"Sam, I love you. You're everything to me. I can't imagine going through life without you. I need you in my life. I don't know I'd do if I couldn't wake up and see your beautiful face every morning. So…" I pulled out the ring and asked, trying to steady myself, "Will you marry me?"

Sam grinned and laughed, "Yes!" I sighed in happiness as I put the ring on her finger. I stood up and picked her up, carrying her in my arms. Sam laughed as she wrapped her arms around my neck. I held her tightly, nuzzling into her neck. Sam giggled as she was tickled.

Everything was going to be okay.

_Til Next Time...._


	22. Doesn't Time Heal

_I'm baaaack. And ready for more. I'm not sure whether to change the rating of the story or not because of the last chapter. I mean, that's the most graphic it's going to get. I don't think I'm going make this an erotic novel. It tears away from the story and it's unnecessary. Anyway…._

**To My Reviewers:**

_**Sockstar:** Always the curious one. ^^ Freddie was talking about the same thing. As you see, the lie is very important to Freddie.. You probably won't know what it is until we get to chapter sixty or seventy._

_**Number1NathanKFan**: Thanks for saying so. I like to make a chapter intense, it helps keep your attention. ^^_

_**Roseheart:** Seddie always will be my favorite pairing. Their love-hate relationship is always touching to my heart. Abuse also has always been my interest. However, we as a society, we only see one side of abuse. We see the stereotypical, cowering (most of the time Southern) woman and the drunk, mean, sexist man. We don't see why this happened, just how. Female on male abuse isn't as common as male on female, but it still happens. Whenever a woman kills a man, society thinks, "Oh you poor dear, what'd he do to you?" When a man kills a woman, society thinks, "Try him and fry him." I'm not saying that abused women don't deserve sympathy, but so do abused men. (Sorry, I'm rambling) Thanks again for your review. ^^_

**Chapter Twenty-Two: Doesn't Time Heal**

The warmth from the pan is too hot for my hands, so I hope we don't stay here long. Mom wanted us to visit Mr. Benson and, of course, she made some of her special brownies. Hard on the outside, soft and gooey in the inside. Sort of like how my father was. Mom knocked on the door. It was a Monday afternoon. My school had a bomb threat, so Mom took the day off to watch me since I couldn't go to school. Mom took out her key and opened the door after a few minutes. She really needed to know what privacy means.

She walked into the living room, "Freddie?" Soon, the door from the bedroom opened and Mr. Benson walked out, "Oh, hello, Vivian." Mom smiled as she said, "I hope we aren't intruding." Mr. Benson shook his head, "No, no. I just got up from a nap." I noticed that there were some red blotches on his face, but I didn't say anything about it. I already got a reprimand from Mom the last time I commented on his face. They look at each other for a while in silence. This pan isn't getting any cooler. I cleared my throat.

"Oh, hi, Jackson, what do you have there?" Mr. Benson asked. I sighed, "A really hot pan of brownies." Mom picked up the pan, "Oh, sorry, Jackson." She put the pan on a table in the kitchen. I looked down at my slightly red hands and sighed. "How's school?" Mr. Benson asked. I sighed, rubbing the back of my neck, "I'm going to the second grade next week." Mom smiled as she pulled the foil off the pan to reveal the brownies, "Jackson is a little genius…" I rolled my eyes. I want to go back to St. Mark's Catholic School. I want to go back to New York. I want to go home.

Mr. Benson went over to the table and he got a knife out of the kitchen drawer and cut out the brownies. I watched them from a distance. Mom asked, "So, how have you been?" She went to get a piece of brownie. Mr. Benson smiled and said, "I asked my girlfriend to marry me." She paused slightly before putting the brownie into her mouth and she began chewing it, "Oh…That's great." Mr. Benson got a brownie as well and bit into it. Mom smiled at Mr. Benson, "I'm really happy for you. So, when's the wedding?" Mr. Benson said, "I'm not sure, sometime in the next few months. I want to save up some money for the perfect wedding." Mom was looking at something on Mr. Benson's wrist, but didn't say anything.

"So, when do I get to meet the lucky girl?" Mom asked. Mr. Benson sighed before getting another brownie, "I'm not sure. She works a lot. Maybe this weekend, you can come by…." I rolled my eyes. It's a bunch of boring gossip. I walked out of the living room and went into the bedroom. I was bored and I inherited my mom's nosiness. So sue me.

I looked around, bored, before I opened the closet. It's a bunch of girl and guy clothes. Boring. I went over to the dresser and opened a drawer. There were a bunch of boxers. Some labeled "Freddie" and the other "Sam". Interesting, but still boring. I shut the drawer and opened another one. I saw two sabers. I pulled them out. Yes, this was not boring. I played with one of the swords, pretending that I was fighting a monster.

I got bored after awhile and sat down at the desk. I opened the laptop and opened his Favorites on the Internet. There was one labeled "iCarly" Hm, never heard of it. I clicked on it. A website came up. It was bright and colorful and had a bunch of videos on the first page. I looked around and watched one video. It was really funny. It's this girl named Carly and her friend, Sam, and they are doing hilarious shows. Sometimes, the camera man, Freddie, came on the show. He looked a lot like Mr. Benson. Maybe this was him all those years ago. Cool…

I then looked at another video called "Octorber 13th, 2012." I wondered why that date was so important. I watched it.

"I'm Carly," Carly smiled, jumping up and down. She didn't look so good. She was really skinny and pale. But I forgot about it. "And I'm Sam," Sam smiled, jumping up and down. "And this is iCarly," They said at once. "And you might wonder why we're jumping," Carly smiled. "We're jumping for joy!" Sam added. "Why aren't you?" Carly asked. They stopped jumping and simply stood. Carly swayed a bit, looking dizzy. "You okay, Carls?" Sam asked. Carly nodded, "Uh-huh…Let's get on with it." Sam smiled as stared into the camera, "Now, is time for an old favorite: Messin' With Lewbert!" Carly added, "And this time is going to be extra special because this is the last day that he's going to be my doorman." Sam grinned, "Now, newcomers, you must be asking why he's not going to be Carly's doorman anymore. It's because he's finally moving to Las Vegas with Freddie's mom." The sound of wedding bells came up loudly. "They had the freakist wedding," Sam commented. I heard Freddie, "Yeah, yeah, isn't it fantastic." His voice was filled with sarcasm. "Ah, don't worry, Fredilyn," Sam smirked, "This joke is going to turn your frown up side down." Carly put her hand on her head and started to breathe in and out, roughly.

"What's wrong?" Freddie asked, panicked. "I-I can't breathe," Carly said, hoarsely. She collapsed on the ground. Sam immediately pulled out her cell phone, apparently calling 9-1-1. Freddie dropped the camera, so all I could see a weird angle from the floor. Freddie got on top of Carly and started doing CPR. A few minutes later, a pair of paramedics came in and took Carly away. Sam and Freddie followed her. The screen soon turned into static.

I gasped in surprise, wondering what had happened. Then, the laptop closed. I turned around to see Mr. Benson behind the chair. I could see tears in his eyes. Mom was behind him, she had her hand on his shoulder. Surprisingly, she wasn't saying anything. "I'm sorry," I said, wondering why no one was saying anything. Mr. Benson turned to my mother and started crying into her shoulder. Mom wrapped her arms around him and pulled him tight to her. I felt weird. This is the first time I've seen a grown man cry. From what Dad told me, boys don't cry. I never cried…The only time I ever seen Dad cry was the last time I saw him and I don't like to talk about it.

"It's okay, it's okay, just let it out," Mom said as she rubbed Mr. Benson's back. She sat him down on the bed and sat down next to him. "It's not fair….How come this had to happen…" Mr. Benson whispered, leaning his head on her shoulder. "Things like this just happen…" Mom sighed, "We don't know why, but it happened for a reason…" Mr. Benson said, "I wish that I…I wish that I told her how much I needed her in my life. I wish that I was able to save her from her fate…" Mom closed her eyes and said, "Wishing doesn't do anybody any good. All we can do is stop living in the past and look to the future. Carly wouldn't want you to live like this. She would want you to be happy. She would want you to move on…" Mr. Benson looked up at her, "I can't move on…I never could move on…"

Mr. Benson and my mom didn't talk for a while. My mom just held him as he slowly stopped crying. I bit my lower lip, wondering if I could say something to make the situation better. I knew that I was going to get yelled at when we got home, but maybe if I said something nice, I wouldn't get grounded.

"Tell me about her," My mom said, finally. "Carly…Carly was one of the nicest, smartest, most talented people I knew," Mr. Benson said. "If you were in any trouble, she would go out of her way to help you," He added. He wiped the last tears off his cheek, "It isn't fair…Everything was going so well…We finally made up. I forgave her." Mom sighed as she said, "Maybe…maybe you need to go to therapy or-" Freddie cut her off, "No. Not in a million years. I went to therapy, I did what they told me to do, what good did it do me? No good." Mom started to pull away, "Maybe I'm not the right person for you to-" He interrupted her again, "No. I'm sorry for snapping at you like that…You're the only person I want to comfort me. You make me feel safe." Mom asked, "Sam doesn't make you feel safe?" Freddie sighed and shook his head, "No…Never…I can't talk to her about Carly. I never could. She always told me to shut up whenever I mentioned her name. I didn't understand. I mean, Carly was her best friend. I thought that she would feel the same way. But Sam never talked about her problems. She solved her problems with her fists…"

Mom asked as Mr. Benson got off of her, "What do you mean?" Mr. Benson sighed as he shook his head, "I can't tell you. You're going to tell me to leave and I can't leave." Mr. Benson sighed, "It's almost four…You better leave…" Mom sighed as she got off the bed, "If you ever need to talk, just call, alright?" Mr. Benson nodded as he stood up and hugged her tightly, "Same for you…" Mom took my hand and we left the room. "Bye, Jackson," Mr. Benson said, finally noticing me again. "Bye," I trailed off, leaving the apartment with my mother.

Adults confuse the hell out of me.

_Tee-hee. Jackson said a bad word. ^^_


	23. Before Dawn Breaks

_I'd like to dedicate this chapter to "A Streetcar named Desire" It's an awesome play, go read it…_

_**Hello**: ^^ It's such a "Jackson" line, even thought he's young and shy, he doesn't censor what he thinks. Thanks for reading._

_**Flameh**__: Thanks. It's even harder because it was caught on camera. Most deaths aren't and you only see what happens in your head, but being able to relive it over and over again is super traumatic._

_**Roseheart**__: Sam and Freddie's relationship is really complicated and Freddie doesn't even know half the time that he's being abused. In a way he knows, but he refuses to believe it. Being sheltered, he had little idea about how relationships work. Freddie, also, has low self-esteem so he's easily manipulated into that sort of relationship. Sam doesn't know a lot of how relationships work, so she mimics the one between her parents. The abuse cycle, you know….BTW, I love Monk too and I'm so upset that it's almost over. T_T That's why I'm sort of basing Nevel and Angela's relationship off of Monk and Natalie's, because Natalie is so in love with Monk. XD_

_**Joe Bob**__: Yes, Freddie may be strong enough to do that, but you have to remember where his mentality is at and how low his self esteem is and how strong a hold Sam has over him. It's a choice for him and his will to choose it is becoming weaker. Keep reading, Freddie's going to be stronger, you'll see._

**Chapter Twenty-Three: Before Dawn Breaks**

I came to my apartment around four-o-five. I was so happy, so excited, so much in love. For the first time in a long time, I really did look forward to coming home. I unlocked the door and walked in. Freddie wasn't in the living room. I shrugged, thinking he was in the bedroom, perhaps working. I sat down at a chair and kicked off my shoes. I was so tired. All I wanted to do was eat and sleep. That's it. I was nearly passed out by fourth period and I still had to go to another meeting in place of Heather. The nub's orders and Nevel's word is law.

Heather was still in the hospital, not only does she have pneumonia, but also her respiratory system is failing. She could die if the doctors don't cure it in time. Nevel is really worried. I never have seen the nub care about someone so much, other than himself. He's usually out of the office, with her at the hospital. So I'm stuck with a lot of Heather's work. It's not so bad though, every morning I get to see the Gingerbread Lady. She reminds me a lot of Carly. I guess that's why I was getting so friendly with her. She is a nice person and she's a lot of fun. One of these days I'll ask her what her real name is and we'll go out shopping or something. But back to my job. On top of teaching class and working overtime as a nurse, I had to file papers, go to meetings, all sorts of boring things. Things that weren't in my job description. I didn't want the job to begin with, but when I saw those eyes, the eyes of my students. I had to stay, I had to help, and I could not leave.

I've never felt so tired in my life. I sighed as I closed my eyes. Soon, I heard the door opened and footsteps walked over towards the chair. I opened my eyes to see Freddie. "Hey, beautiful…" Freddie smiled as he leaned in to kiss me. "Hey, handsome," I replied back, kissing him. He pulled away and looked at me, "You look tired, Sam.." I stretched my arms, "I am tired…Freddie, be an angel and make me something to eat." Freddie smiled, nodding, "Sure." He went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. "I want ham sandwiches!" I called out as I looked for the remote to the TV. "We had ham the other night," Freddie commented, "I'm thinking about making something like smoked salmon and-" I cut him off, "Nu-uh. I'm hungry now and I want something that's quick to cook." Freddie sighed, as he started cooking, "Fine. Sandwiches, then." He sounded a little irritated, but I didn't really care. He would get over it. And if he didn't, it's not my fault.

I turned the TV on and clicked through the channels. The other reason I was tired was because I couldn't sleep. I kept waking up five times a night because Freddie has nightmares that are so bad that he cried in his sleep. I would wake up to the cry of "Stop it!" or "Please, don't!" in the middle of the night. I'm worried that the neighbors are going to complain. They used to do that when Freddie first moved in. But Freddie learned to be quiet. He was a smart boy, so he learned really quickly what rules I have in my home.

I remember one time when I had used my belt on Freddie. I'm not sure why. It was something stupid. He had back talked me or something like that. Anyway, I accidentally hit Freddie in the face with the belt. It was his fault; he was the one trying to get away. If he had stayed put, he would have just gotten hit on the back and on his thighs. He screamed as he covered his face when the belt hit him right on his cheek. I got a knock on the door a few minutes later. I opened it and found some mousy little woman who complained it was three in the morning and people were trying to sleep. She then looked over me and saw Freddie and the fresh mark on his face. She then saw the belt in my hand. She instantly made the connection and tried to run away. I grabbed her by her robe's collar and hissed, "If you tell anyone, I will kill you." I let her go, knowing that even if she told anyone, it wouldn't matter. Freddie won't press charges against me. He can't. Like any judge is going to believe a man let himself be beaten by a woman.

They didn't believe them then, so why would they believe him now?

Freddie came into the living room and handed me a plate of food. He also handed me a soda. "Did I forget anything?" He asked, standing next to me. I shook my head, "No…But could you grab me some ice cream?" Freddie nodded before going into the kitchen and getting me a bowl of ice cream. What can I say? The boy is every girl's dream. He's sweet, loving, unselfish, etc. He's straight out of a romance novel written by some female dreamer. They say boys like him don't exist, but here he is. And he's all mine.

I started eating my sandwich as Freddie comes back in with the bowl and a spoon. He pulls up a tray, seeing that I was holding a lot. I thanked him and set up my dinner. He went to get his dinner and settled on the couch. I noticed that he was eating a lot since Spencer's party. He said that he regained his appetite. It's good, he was starting to get real skinny. Almost like Carly. But Freddie couldn't eat without throwing up. He was sick, after all. He didn't have a choice.

But then again, Carly didn't really have a choice either.

"So, how was your day?" Freddie asked. I yawned as I finished my sandwich, "Tiring….Dude, I need to quit. I'm practically doing two fulltime jobs and I'm not getting anything extra." Freddie raised an eyebrow as he looked at me, "Then quit." I rolled my eyes, "I can't. I enjoy having electricity." I didn't mean to say it. It sort of just happened. I really don't think about what I say.

Truth is that Freddie and I both have the same salary, but Freddie puts half of it in savings. "For our children's college," He explained to me. Since we didn't have anything past two-year degrees, he wanted our kids to go to any school they wanted to. The half of what's left is spent on stuff he buys off the Internet. I'm not sure what happens to the fourth. I think he pays the rent with it. I pay for everything else. Water, lights, electricity, groceries, etc.

Freddie frowned as he looked back to his meal and continued eating. "So about this wedding…" I said, changing the conversation, "I was thinking something personal. The less people there, the better." I knew better than to ask who he was going to invite. The guy had to have zero friends and there was no way in hell that he was going to invite his family. He doesn't have much family outside of his mom and he hasn't talk to her in years. I'm the same way.

I had no idea where my dad was. Melanie and I barely keep in touch as it is. I might invite my mother. I don't have any problems with her. She's actually a pretty nice person. She's a lot of fun, she just doesn't seem that way. Mom lives off the inheritance from my grandmother and hasn't had a job since Melanie and I were eight. But she always made sure the bills were paid and we always got what we wanted.

Mrs. Benson and Lewbert started going back out around April of 2011. They rekindled a flame or something like that. Freddie wasn't happy with it, but it made his mother happy, so he dealt with it. By next year, they got engaged and married. Freddie refused to be under the same roof as Lewbert so he moved in with me. After November 2012, Freddie moved in with Carly…I don't want to talk about it. Freddie and his mother got into a fight about what was going on and he didn't speak to her for three months.

After the trial was over, Freddie came to my doorstep. He was carrying a suitcase and he said, calmly, "I forgive you." He walked in my house and set up his things in my room. Those were the only words he said to me for three days. Then everything went back to normal. Three and a half months later, I heard a nasty rumor that he was doing his stepsister.

Yes, Lewbert had a daughter. It was hard to believe it when I first heard it. It turns out that he had been married before and had a daughter. His wife divorced him (go figure) and took their daughter out of his life for three years. When she was sixteen, she moved in with Lewbert after her mother died. Freddie was wary around her at first, but they soon had a strong friendship. I tried to explain to Freddie that she's just going to screw him over like she did before. But he didn't believe me. He was too forgiving of people. People try to take advantage of him. I mean, she tried to use him and there he was, all friendly and sweet. Freddie would just say, "Don't worry, Sam, Valerie's a changed girl."

Anyway, when I heard the rumor, I freaked out. I did some things I'm not proud of. I wanted to take our relationship to the next level and I figured that Freddie wanted to do the same. But he wanted to wait until marriage. I was fine with that. But to think that he was doing something with Valerie behind my back. It made my eyes go red and…I don't know. I just blanked out. The next thing I know, I'm at home in my bathroom. My hands are covered in blood and I'm washing the blood off in the sink.

Freddie moved in with his mother after that. It took me three months to get him to leave her and come back to me. His mother was brainwashing him against me. She's been the one that abuses Freddie. Emotionally and verbally, keeping him all to herself. I let Freddie see the truth and he came back to me.

Freddie never spoke to his mother again.

I finished eating and so did Freddie. He got our plates and went into the kitchen to wash them. I let my eyes close as I let my body slip into sleep. It only felt like a few moments later when I felt someone pick me up. I opened my eyes slightly to see Freddie holding me. He carried me into our room and set me down in the bed. He put the covers over me. I was grateful to have some warmth. I curled up under the sheets. Freddie caressed my cheek, saying something. I then recognized it. It's been awhile since he said it, but I still remember it. It's the only Shakespeare thing I liked.

" _No sooner met but they looked;  
No sooner looked but they loved;  
No sooner loved but they sighed;  
No sooner signed but they asked one another the reason;  
No sooner knew the reason but they sought the remedy"_

Freddie kissed my forehead, but he didn't get into bed with me. He went out of the room and came back a few minutes later with something in his hands. One hand held a bottle, the other hand held a glass. Freddie sat on the windowsill and pour the contents of the bottle into the glass and started drinking, staring out into the sky.

I looked closer and subtly turned the lamp on. Freddie was drinking white wine. Since when did Freddie drink? I watched him for a while. He had depleted the wine in less than two hours. He, shakily, put the wine on the desk along with his glass. He stumbled over to our bed and got in. The smell of alcohol was enough to choke me. Freddie turned on his stomach and fell asleep, snoring immediately. I fell back asleep, annoyed slightly by his behavior.

I started dreaming. It was strange. I was at the top of a long step of stairs and at the bottom of the stairs was a gaping hole in the Earth filled with fire. I only stood there, looking into the flames. I then felt warmth breath on the back of my neck. Someone said, "Watch your step to hell…It's a long fall…" I turned around to see who it was. It was Freddie. He had a large grin on his face and a crazed look in his eyes. He was shirtless and every single muscle was toned. By his side was Carly, wearing nothing but a knee length black dress. She had a demonic smirk on her face as she wrapped her arms around Freddie's waist. She kissed his neck and looked at me, "Do it…" Freddie nodded as he pushed me. I fell down the stairs, each one was more painful than the last. I then almost fell into the hole. The flames licked my feet. I was hanging onto the edge, screaming for help. Freddie and Carly walked down the stairs and looked at me. Freddie reached to take my hand, but Carly stopped him, "No…Remember all the times you screamed for help? Did she help?" Freddie still reached down anyway. I started to thank him as he grabbed my hand. But then, he grabbed it tightly before throwing me into the hole.

I woke up with cold sweat pouring down my back. I wondered what all that was about. Why was it that is what I dreamt? I looked at the clock. It's five minutes before my alarm goes off. I turned the alarm off and went to the window. It's still dark out. I then heard the bed creak. I looked over to see Freddie get out of bed. He walked over to me and sat down next to me. We sat in silence for a while before Freddie took my hand and kissed my ring, "I love you." I smiled slightly, "Love you too, Freddie…" Freddie smiled at me and kissed my nose. I giggled slightly before staring into his eyes. He stared back into mine. "What are you doing up so early?" He asked. I shrugged, "I had a bad dream…" Freddie asked, "…What was the dream about?" I shook my head, "I don't want to talk about it…" Freddie wrapped his arms around me in a comforting embrace. Maybe I should tell him…But what good would it do us? Our relationship doesn't need anymore trauma. I promised myself that I wasn't going to hurt him again. It was hard, but I could do it. I would do it…For Freddie.

The sky soon light up with brilliant colors. Freddie held me in his arms as he stared out into the sky. I looked back at him and sighed in contentment. It's moments like these that I crave for. It's the moments when we're together, nothing in the world is getting through to us. It's just me and him. We didn't need anyone else. Well…there was one thing that would make us whole.

A child. A mixture of me and Freddie that we would create with each other. I just wanted one, but I knew we were going to have at least two. My mother, my mother's mother, her mother, her mother, her mother, all the way back to when my great-great-etc. grandmother came on the Mayflower and met my Native American great-great-etc. grandfather. Each one was one of a twin. We've been known for the genetic quirk of having twins. I was going to have a set of twin girls like my mothers before me.

Freddie and I talked about this. I wanted to wait a while before I had kids and he understood. I didn't want to pop out my kids only nine months after marriage. I wanted to wait a few years. We already picked out names. Ursula and Rosalind. I knew like most men, Freddie wanted a son. I didn't have a lot of control over that, but who knows what would happen. If we did have son, I wanted to name him Nick. I always liked that name.

But you never know what time will bring.

_Dum…da…da..dum…BTW, I sort of cut out a line in the Shakespeare thing. I didn't like it and I don't think Freddie would either. It's from As You Like It, just so you know._


	24. Sometimes Happiness Doesn't Work

_I would like you to know that there was a typo in the last chapter. 2011 was originally 2010 and 2012 was 2011. So Carly's death was October 13, 2012. _

**To: My Reviewers**:

_**Sockstar**__: You are my hero. I wanted to make a list of what happened so I wouldn't get messed up and you did it for me. ^^ Kudos to you. You're a little off on some things, but they aren't your fault. There were a few typos in the dates, but I'll fix it up._

_**CrystalRulesRBY**__: Thanks for reading. I'm glad that my story has caught your interest. Please finish it and wait for many more chapters._

**Roseheart**: Well, I love getting reviews. Especially long ones. I want to be good enough so my story becomes a topic of conversation. Sorry, I sound arrogant. XD I'm not really. I'm excited that I've gotten so many reviews and hits as it is. You know, originally Angela was supposed to be a one-chapter character, but I liked her so much I had to make her a bit more important. I hope that the series finale is a good one. I think that the episode that bummed me out the most of the one when Monk trails his old bully's wife because he thought she was cheating on him. As soon as she mentioned she was adopted, I just knew "She was a twin". Oh and Natalie or Sharona?

**Chapter Twenty-Four: Sometimes Happiness Doesn't Work**

It's near two o'clock and I'm waiting in Gibby's office for him to see me. I had a lot of ask him, especially since he knew Freddie.

I'm worried about Freddie. He's strained; he has so much on his mind, that I can tell. I remember when Tony started acting like that. Like he was hiding something. At first I thought there was another woman and he was feeling guilty about it. But then I found out that it was a lot worst. I pulled out my wallet and looked at the last family picture we took. Jackson was four years and four months old. He was always a tall kid. His red hair was then a bright auburn. I'm holding him in my lap to keep him from squirming. I was two years younger. My hair was a lot shorter. It was barely enough to make a ponytail out of it. My husband was behind me with his hand on my shoulder. He was wearing his best tux. The blue one with the black striped tie. His red hair had faded and it was going gray. There were wrinkles around his dulling eyes that once held a vicious and determined gray. He was a large man, bigger than life. As soon as he walked into a room, you knew who he was and you knew not to mess with that man. Antonio "Fat Tony" Alto, nephew to Vincent "The Brain" Alto, leader of the Alto crime family in New York.

Gibby soon came into the room, "Sorry, I'm late." I shrugged, "No problem." He sat down and took out his notebook and a pen, "So what's on your mind, Vivian?" I asked, quite to the point, "What do you know about Freddie Benson?" He looked up at me, "Why do you want to know that?" I answered, "Because I'm worried about him." Gibby sighed as he leaned back in his chair, "Freddie was the typical cute geek at high school. He got himself in a committed relationship by the time he was sixteen…That's all I know." I glared at Gibby, "You're lying. You know more. What did you mean by "So he did come back"?" Realizing that he was caught in a lie, Gibby shifted to the left, "…Freddie left Seattle to move in with his mother in Nevada. I don't know what happened. I left to college while he was still down there. I never knew what happened to him."

I asked, pressing, "But why did he leave?" Gibby sighed as he rubbed his temples, "I only knew what I heard. I heard a lot of things." I kept looking at him. "Why are you worried about him?" Gibby asked. I sighed, "Because I see Tony in him. He looks like that he's drowning. Like he's in over his head in something that he has no control over." Gibby sighed as he stood up. He looked over to his desk and pulled out something. He handed it to me, "This guy will know more. He was a friend of Freddie's best friend, Carly. I would have you talk to her but-" I finished his sentence, "She's dead…I know." I looked down at the paper. It was a name and the phone number.

_Jonah French 206-888-4235_

"Is he reliable?" I asked. "He speaks his mind," Gibby said, promptly. I pocked the note and asked, "…Was he Carly's boyfriend?" Gibby shrugged, "I heard rumors, but like I said they aren't reliable. I think that he was her boyfriend, but Carly was keeping it a secret…He used to go out with her best friend." I asked, "What was Carly like?" He smiled, "Fun, sweet, outgoing. Until senior year, that is. She became quieter, more serious. All of them did. Freddie, Carly, and Sam. But Carly, the most." I stayed quiet for awhile before I broke the silence, "I think that I'm becoming attracted to Freddie."

Gibby sighed as he put his hand to his temples, rubbing them slightly. "I how it sounds, but I just am. I want to know every part of him, I want to bring him into my life. I don't think he's happy and I want to fix that." Gibby sighed, "And he's unhappy with his girlfriend and you think that if you are with him instead of her, then he would be happy again." I sighed in frustration, "I know that I see a pattern. But he isn't Tony. Tony's dead, I got over him. I'm moving on. Isn't this what you want from me?" Gibby commented, "You're becoming more and more insecure about what other people want." I snapped, "I am not. I do what I want for me. Do you think I would have stayed with Tony through all the humiliation if I didn't want to? There are pros and cons to life. You just got to do what you want…" I stood up and grabbed my purse.

Gibby stayed quiet as I went to grab my things. He then said, "Yoko's gone." I stopped and turned to him, "What?" Gibby said, slowly, "She's staying in Japan. She's not coming back." I, awkwardly, looked away, "I'm…I'm sorry." Gibby commented, "Her pen pal…He could make her happy." I felt even more awkward as he told me that, "That's…awful." Gibby looked up at me, "There are two sides to every story. Remember that…" I sighed as I left the room.

I felt awful. I felt like scum of the Earth. There was a knot in my stomach. I went over to a water fountain and got something to drink. I feel slightly light headed. I then calm down after awhile and pulled out my cell phone.

_2…0…6…8…8…8…4…2…3…5_

The phone rang twice before a smooth voice answered, "Hello?" I sighed, "Hi…Is this Jonah French." The voice said, agreeing, "Yes, who's this?" I answered, "My name is Vivian Alto. You don't know me, but I heard that if I wanted to know about Freddie Benson, I should ask you." There was a pause and I heard the reply, "…I haven't spoke to Freddie since graduation. I'm afraid I can't help you." I stayed determined, "Please, anything is helpful." He then asked, getting agitated, "Are you a reporter?" I shook my head, "…No…I'm not. I'm just a concerned friend." Jonah asked, immediately, "Is he still with Sam?" I wasn't sure what to say. I soon said, "Yes…He's asked her to marry him, even." I heard him mutter "shit" under his breath before saying, "I can't help you. Whatever you're looking for, you know where to find it. If you really are his friend, you would know." I asked, "Know what?" He replied, "That he's being abused."

It came together like puzzle pieces. The excuses, the bruises, the marks, the absent girlfriend, the behavior. It all made sense to me now. Like I should have known this all along.

Jonah continued, "Don't get involved, Ms. Alto. You're only going to be hurting him and yourself." He soon hung up. I tensed up slightly at the news. I walked out of the building and down the street. It was so obvious, yet not. Freddie hid it very well. Why didn't I see it sooner? I went to my bakery. I went to the register and slowly tried to adjust to my daily routine. I would confront Freddie about it later.

It was around four thirty when Tuli came into the bakery. "Yo, Gingerbread Lady," she greeted me as she went up the register. Tuli was lucky. Her life was so simple. She just got engaged to her boyfriend. Love must be in the air. "…Hey, are you okay, G.L.?" she asked. I looked up to see her looking at me. I shook my head, "No, I'm fine…" I trailed off, "The usual?" She nodded, slowly. I went to get her the gingerbread and slowly put them in the bag as she got out the money.

"…Boy trouble?" She asked, bluntly. I smiled slightly and sighed, "Men…Men are confusing." I handed her the bag and took the money. "Tell me about him," Tuli smiled as she bit off the head of the gingerbread. "I like him…But he has a girlfriend…He's not happy with her, though." She smirked slightly, "Oh…that's got to be tough…Does he like you?" I shrugged, "I don't know…I can't tell with him." She said, "Well, just be honest with him. Boys like it when you're honest." I shook my head, "No…I can't do that…He has a lot on his mind already." I wasn't going to tell her about the alleged abuse. I didn't even know if Jonah was telling the truth or if it was just too many coincidences. I won't know until I talk to Freddie. I would have to visit him tomorrow.

Tuli soon left to go home to her perfect little relationship. I was jealous of her. From what she told me, her fiancé was the best man on Earth. He was kind, smart, funny, and attentive. Everything that I would crave in a man. I wanted to hang out with Tuli outside of the bakery, but I had so much on my mind right now. All I wanted to do was to find answers. Who knew that once I was leaving one soap opera, I was going right into another?

I went home and up to my apartment. I unlocked the door and went in to find Jackson had just gotten home from piano lessons. He was at the table, working on his homework. I sat down at the table and he looked up at me, "…I want to go home." He returned back to his homework like it was the end of the discussion. "I told you before, we can't go home," I said, running my fingers through my hair. Jackson commented, "Yes we can. We can go home, back to Bensonhurst. You can get a new job, I can go back to St. Mark, and I can see my family." I sighed, "I already explained to you. We're already here and we can't go back." Jackson snapped at me, "Yes we can. I already packed my stuff. We can get in a car and drive back to New York. It's as simple as that. But you're the one that doesn't want to go back…" I couldn't explain the real reason why, but I had nothing to say to him.

Jackson shut his binder and stuffed it in his book bag. Irritated with me, he left the room and went into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him like an angry teenager. I sighed in frustration before going to my cabinet in the kitchen. I pulled out a box of crackers and pulled out a couple. I ate them as I went to the living room to relax. I really need to relax. It was soon when my cell phone rang. I answered it, "Hello?" I recognized the voice, "Ms. Alto, its Jonah French." My eyes widened slightly, "Oh….what can I do for you?" Jonah asked, "I don't know why you want to know. Until I know why I can't help you." I said, "I told you before. I'm a concerned friend." Jonah paused before saying, "Sorry. It's just that reporters have been hounding me a lot. Since it's only a few months until the anniversary." I asked, "What anniversary?" Jonah sighed before saying, "The trial. The trial that's in all the law books now. Ask any first year law student about People of the State of Washington vs. Puckett. And you know what they would tell you? They would-" He stopped himself. He then said, calming down, "You're wasting your time, Ms. Alto. He's not going to listen to you. Whatever you have to say to him….Does he still with Sam at the apartment building "Darlington Towers"?" I nodded, "Yes." He sighed and mumbled something before saying, "Thank you." He soon hung up.

I hated being kept in the dark about this. This was something important. I soon called Freddie, wanting to get to the bottom of this. He answered after a few rings, "Hello?" I sighed, wondering how to approach this, "Oh, hi, Freddie. It's Vivian." He said, cheerfully, "Oh, hi, Vivian. What can I do for you?"

Like my husband said before "Beating around the bushes are for rabbits; A fox like you goes straight for the truth."

I asked, bluntly, "If you were in trouble, you'd tell me, right?" Freddie said, slowly, "Yes…Why?" I asked, "Are you lying to me?" Freddie said, "No, I'm not lying." I accused him, "Yes, you're lying….Do you know a guy named Jonah French?" Freddie then said, quickly, "He's a liar. He's a lying bastard that does what he wants and screws anyone that gets in his way. Don't believe a word he says. He has no idea what he's talking about. Goodbye, Vivian." He soon hung up. I growled in frustration before throwing the phone at the wall. I didn't know who to believe. After all, Jonah was just some guy. I didn't know what was really going on with Freddie and Sam. I just had to find out on my own. I can't stand for him to spiral downward. I can save him…

_Read and review. ^^_


	25. What's Love Without A Little Passion?

_I'd like to deciate this chapter to many things, including the sun...Go Sun!_

To My Reviewers:

ChrystalRulesRBY: Well, I'm happy to respond to reviews and I'm glad that I made another fan. ^^

Alex S: Well, I can't tell you what will happen so you're going to figure out on your own. Keep reading. 

Sockstar: I love your timeline, it's perfect now. It's really nice of you to do that because now I can get years and months straight and make it all realistic. I'll correct Chapter Twenty Three as soon as I get the time to. Keep reading.

Roseheart: Vivian has "I want to fix it" personality. If something seems wrong, she wants to fix it the best she can. She's scared for Freddie, like any other friend would be. If that friendship develops into something more…^^ That's for you to find out. I love your reviews, so keep on reading. As for Monk, I was asking which one you preferred. I like Natalie, but Sharona is just as good.

Hello!!: I actually made up the quote myself. ^^ As for "Tuli" Vivian has a Finnish background, so that's where she got the name from.

Star-gazing-in-LA: Thank you for reading and don't worry about it. I love long reviews. They make me happy. ^^

Chapter Twenty-Five: What's Love Without A Little Passion?

I'm tied down to the bed. This time it's chains instead of ropes. They hurt worse. And they're tighter. They're embedding in my skin, as it turns red. My hands become numb from lack of blood circulation. I felt her get on top of me. Her body was smothering me. I couldn't breathe. I screamed, both out of fear and out of pain as my body began falling under the pressure. I couldn't see that well. It was dark. I whimpered as I felt something graze my skin. I looked down to see a glimpse of silver near my neck. I knew immediately what it was. I felt so helpless, so trapped.

I woke up.

I was crying into my pillow. I didn't understand why I couldn't get over this. I haven't cried this much in a long time. I remember when Sam and I first started going out. She would playfully punch me. I didn't mind, because that's what she did to me on a daily basis. But then, the punches got a bit harder. They started leaving bruises. I remember the first time that she hit me…For real. August 16th, 2009. I remember it like it was yesterday.

_It was the break between third period and fourth period. I was at my locker, getting my books for my next class. My locker is next to Stacy Jonson, captain of the cheerleaders. Pretty, blonde, tall, and popular. She doesn't talk to guys like me. "Um…Freddie," was what I heard that day. I glanced over to see Stacy looking at me, shyly. "Yeah?" I asked, getting my English book out. "I was wondering if you wanted to help me out. I have this little problem." I raised my eyebrow, "What sort of problem?" Stacy started to pull slightly on the zipper of her hoodie, exposing and re-exposing her cleavage. I wasn't sure if it was intentional or not._

_Stacy said, "Well, I didn't really read my summer reading book and I'm supposed to write a report on it…. I was wondering if you could help me out a bit because it's The Tempest and Shakespeare's your thing." I shrugged, "Well, sure I guess." Stacy smiled as she put her hand on my shoulder. I was wearing a tank top since it was hot in the school, so her shoulder was touching my bare flesh. Her hand was ice cold. But it felt nice in a way. She said, "Thank you, Freddie…I'll text you, okay? Can I get your number?" I nodded as I ripped a sheet of paper out of my notebook and scribbled down my number. I handed it to her. She pocketed in her jeans. She left and waved at me. _

_I shut my locker and as I turned around, I saw Sam. Her face was livid, "Who is she?" I didn't really understand what the problem was, "That's Stacy, she needs some help with her-" She interrupted me, "She was touching you and giving you a peep show. That slut was flirting with you and you didn't do a thing about it. You liked it." I rolled my eyes, "Sam, that's insane." It was then that I saw her raise her hand. She then slapped me._

_I yelled out when she did so. I felt my cheek warm up and hurt. I put my hand to my cheek, realizing what she had done. I looked back at her and her face was full with regret. "Oh, God, are you okay?" Sam asked, putting her hand to my cheek as well. I flinched at her touch and back away. "I'm sorry, Freddie, I didn't mean to. I-I-It just happened. Please, forgive me," Sam said, sadness and guilt welling up in her eyes. Suddenly, it seemed like the hit didn't hurt as bad as before. "Don't worry about it," I said, putting my hand down. After I thought about it, her actions seemed rational. After all, it did appear that we were flirting and that I was cheating on her. Anger is a very rational response. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry…I'm sorry," Sam said, earnestly. By the now the bell had rang and we were the only people in the hallway. "It's okay…" I said, wrapping my arms around her. She leaned against my chest. "Let's just go, baby," Sam said, looking up to me. "Skip the rest of the day?" I asked. She nodded, "Yeah, I want to be with you and only you. Let's just go…" I nodded as I kissed her softly. She whispered something, but I couldn't hear her._

She never did say to me "It won't happen again"

But she really does feel sorry for what she does. She doesn't have any control over it. She's just a really aggressive person. It's not her fault. And I forgive Sam. I love her.

My crying must have waked Sam up because I could no longer hear her rhythmic breathing. It was faster now. I looked up to see Sam sitting in the bed instead of lying down. She put her hand on my head and started stroking my hair. I never felt so insecure in my life. My masculinity was shot down. I wasn't supposed to be crying like some weakling and have to rely on my girlfriend to calm me down. I was disgusted with myself. I should be stronger. I shouldn't cry. Last night, I drunk some wine I ordered and I didn't dream that night. Maybe if I drunk tonight, I wouldn't dream about it. If I kept on drinking, I would never have to dream again.

I wiped my tears as I sat up in the bed. Sam looked at me, sympathetically and wrapped her arms around me in a comforting manner. I hugged her back, not speaking. I didn't want to speak. I wanted to sleep.

Vivian called me earlier, asking if I was in trouble. I told her no. I wasn't in any trouble. She then asked me about Jonah. I couldn't believe that they knew each other. He must have said something to her. God, I hate him. He was nosy and he was a liar. How dare he make assumptions about my life with Sam? I hated how he corrupted Carly. I hated how he took advantage of her. They had been dating behind our backs for a year. Yet, it was Carly's fault, too. How could she do that to Sam? How could she date the very boy that hurt Sam so much?

Sam soon spoke, "Can I get you anything, Freddie?" I whispered, softly, "I have some wine in the cabinet above the fridge. Please, get me the bottle." Sam nodded as she left the bed. I lay back down and curled up. I was so tired, but I couldn't sleep. Sam came back into the room with the bottle. She turned on the lamp so she could see me. She opened the bottle and handed it to me. I drunk straight from the bottle, leaving no friendly drop left in the glass bottle. The taste was thick in my mouth and it burned my throat slightly. Sam watched me and asked, "Since when do you drink?" I looked to her and sighed, "Since this week." She stayed quiet and said, "There's a liquor store near here…Do you want me to get some whiskey?" I looked up at her and nodded, slowly. Sam kissed me softly and pulled away, her nose wrinkled softly. "I'll be back in half an hour." She got off the bed and left the room. I checked the clock; it was almost one in the morning. I've barely been asleep for an hour. I got out of the bed and wiped the bit off wine off my chin with my fingers. I licked the wine off, wanting more of the taste.

I walked over to the door, but some how I ended walking right into the wall. I could have sworn that I was going in the direction of the door. I shook slightly as I hit the wall. I rubbed my nose and walked out of the room, making sure where I was going. I sat down on the couch and turned on the lamp. The light blinded me slightly. It took me a few minutes to recover.

Sam came home twenty minutes later with a case in her hands. She put it on the table in the kitchen and opened it. She pulled out a bottle and set it on the counter. "I bought you a shot glass," She commented as she threw me the glass. She came back into the living room and poured the whiskey into my glass. I drank the whiskey. It burned like hell. Fire in liquid form ran down my throat. I coughed harshly. I nearly dropped the glass. I didn't want to go through that again, but now I felt different.

I looked around and colors started to blend together. I felt so much better. I felt numb. Like nothing could hurt me, but nothing could make me happy. "You okay, Freddie?" Sam asked me. I couldn't really hear her. "I'm…I'm fine…" I said, standing up. I nearly fell over because the room started to spin. Sam held me up, taking me by the shoulders. "You want to go back to bed?" She asked after a while. "No, no, no," I said, shaking my head, "I want…I want to stay up…" Sam sighed as she shook her head, "Let's get you to bed." She started to drag me to the bedroom. "Let…let me go," I said, my words slurring. I couldn't really understand what was going on. Sam said, "I shouldn't have gotten you the drinks." I shook my head, "No, no, don't worry about it…I feel…I feel much better." She still didn't let me go. I started to pull my hand away, "Let me go." She held on to my wrist tighter. "I said let me go!" I yelled, pulling my hand away. Before I knew it, I had backhanded her. She glared at me, balling her fists.

Sam grabbed me by my shoulders and shoved me against the wall, "I don't know who you think you are. But you don't hit me." I laughed, "Oh my God….You're so funny!" I pushed her off me, shoving her to the ground. I walked over to the table and poured myself another glass. It didn't seem real. It was like it was in my mind. I was doing what I wanted to do, but I wouldn't really do it. I mean, I love Sam. I would never hurt her. I drank the whiskey, loving the burn. I turned around, watching Sam get up from the ground. She stared at me with disbelief in her eyes. She yelled something at me. I couldn't really hear her. She then ran towards me, grabbing me once more. She was about to punch me but I grabbed her wrist and twist it.

_Snap!_

"AAAHH!" Sam cried out as she pulled away from me to cradle her arm. The wrist was hanging down in a weird position. I realized what happened. "Oh…Oh, my God," I whispered. "I'm sorry, Sam…I didn't mean to it's just that you…you-," She was crying. Tears were going down her face as she held her arm close to her. "We...I have to get you to a hospital…" I said, softly. I picked her up. She didn't resist me. She handed me the key and I opened the door. I carried her out, locking the door behind us. I carried her down the stairs and out of the apartment building. Luckily, we live right by the hospital.

I carried her into the E.R. and set her down at one of the chairs. I went over to the desk, "My fiancée…she broke her wrist…." I explained. I indicated Sam. The receptionist glanced at her and then at me, "Oh…" She picked up a phone to call the doctor. She looked at me, "Just a few minutes…" I then heard her whisper into the phone, "Marty, we got another one…" I wondered what she meant. I went over to Sam and sat next to her. She was looking down at her wrist. I asked, "Are you okay?" She nodded, "I'm going to be okay…" She then looked at me, "But you're not going to be." I gulped in fear as I looked away. I knew that. I knew that I was going to get hell when we she had time. This sort of offense meant a first class beating for me.

I don't go to the hospital that much. Sam only takes me when she breaks something or if a wound gets infected. If I can't bandage something, Sam would since she has some medical training. Sam would make this plausible story about why I was hurt and the doctors believed her. Sometimes when I was only with the doctor, I wanted to tell them. I needed to tell someone. It's an awful secret. If only I could tell everyone the truth.

A few minutes later, a nurse came to take Sam into the doctor's room. I followed them. I went to follow Sam and the nurse into the room, but the nurse stopped me, "Sir, it would be better if you just waited out here." I snapped, angry, "She's my fiancée. I need to be with her." The nurse snapped back, "You can wait here or I can call security and you can wait outside." I groaned and nodded, "Fine." I went back to the E.R. waiting room and sat down. Each second seemed like an hour.

A doctor walked up to me, "Mr. Benson?" I stood up and asked, "Is Sam going to be okay?" The doctor nodded, "She'll be okay…Can you tell me what happened?" I struggled to come up with a story. "She slipped and fell." It was pathetic, but it was better than nothing. The doctor sighed before saying, "I examined Sam's broken wrist…It is not the type you get by falling…" He took my wrist and explained, "It's called a "corkscrew fracture". It's when someone takes your wrist and twist it until it breaks." He started twisting my wrist. I cried out slightly, not understanding why this man was hurting me. I pulled my wrist away. "Men like you make me sick…" He spat, glaring at me. It then clicked.

I laughed. I laughed and I couldn't stop. It was so goddamn funny! Wasn't it? Wasn't it?! I mean….Oh my God….

The doctor asked, calmly, "Sir, would you mind touching your nose?" I rolled my eyes, what kind of question was that. I went to touch my nose, but I ended up touching my cheek. I tried again, this time I touched my forehead. What was going on? The doctor smirked slightly, "Recite the alphabet backwards." I groaned as I said, "Z…Y…W…T…S….F….E…" I couldn't remember. I just could not figure out the other letters. The doctor's smirk grew bigger, "I thought so…" He soon left the room, coming back with two police officers.

Oh crap…

One police officer pulled out a Breathalyzer and said, "Blow into this, Mr. Benson." I sighed as I blew into it. The officer looked down, "Your blood alcohol level is .114." I asked, "What does that mean?" The other officer said, "That means you're drunk and you're the one that hurt your girlfriend." I corrected him, not really comprehending what he was saying, "Fiancée." The officer just pulled out his handcuffs and started putting them on me, "Mr. Benson, you're under arrest-," I yelled, outraged by this, "For what?" The other officer snapped at me, "For beating up your "fiancée", you piece of trash." He shoved me against the wall as the handcuffs clicked. I started shaking. This wasn't happening. I didn't understand why this was happening. I didn't do anything wrong.

"Get your hands off him," I heard someone say. I turned around to see Sam standing in the room. She had on a cast over her wrist. She walked over to the officer and said, "I don't want to press charges. Just let go of him." The doctor looked at Sam, "Miss Puckett, you don't have to defend him. He isn't worth it, especially if he hurts you like this." Sam pushed the officer out of her way and ripped the handcuffs off me. She glared at the doctor, "You are so stupid…All of you…." She grabbed my hand and started to walk out of the hospital with me. She then stopped and turned around, looking back, "By the way. It's Mrs. Benson."

Read and review. Only one more week until iThinktheykissed. Who's excited? Who's ready? Is it going to be like iTwin and all us Seddie fans are going to be disappointed. I hope not. T_T JK, I'm sure it'll be fine.


	26. I'm Just Not Used To Showing

_So I am totally obsessed with Charlie and The Chocolate Factory now. Who here believes Mike Teavee is Freddie Benson's alter ego. I do. ^^_

**To My Reviewers;**

_**Alex S**__.: Thanks for reading. That chapter is one of my favorites so far._

_**Lost in The Lies**__: ^^ Sorry, but if I did that, the story would be far more shorter and we wouldn't want that would we? Of course, that's what's going through Freddie's mind. The irony of it all._

_**CrystalRulesRBY**__: Oh, sorry about misspelling your name. Keep reading._

_**Sockstar**__: You may or may not be wrong. Just remember that everything has its advantages and disadvantages._

_**discostick0shalala: **__Thanks for reading. As for Vivian, she's just acting like a concerned friend. She means well and don't' worry. This story is mainly Seddie._

_**Hello!!!:**__ Society views women as being the ones that need protecting. I mean look at older men dating younger women. Society thinks, "Oh, how dare he take advantage of her like that. Perv…" When a older woman dates a young man, society thinks, "Oh good for her. She still has her stuff." The only way women will ever be treated equal is to be both treated and punished equally. Keep reading. ^^_

**Chapter Twenty-Six: I'm Just Not Used To Showing**

I couldn't be in here long. I knew that. I shouldn't even be in here to begin with. I had to bribe the nurse to let me in here. Heather's illness is contagious and even though I don't touch her, I scrub my hands all the time. I didn't want to get sick. So why couldn't I just stay home? I just couldn't stay away. It's like I was here against my will. But I had to stay here with Heather.

I sat down in the chair by her bed. She is asleep. Her breathing was uneven. Her heart rate was low. The doctors said that they weren't sure if she would live. The thought of her dying was something that made me want to cry. I care about Heather. I didn't want her to die. I needed her to live. I couldn't function without her by my side.

I haven't cut my hair in a month. Heather would drive me to the hair stylist. I haven't had a home cooked meal in weeks. Heather would cook them for me. I haven't touched a tennis racket in weeks. Heather was my one and only partner. I had to sit through dozens of meetings. Heather would be there instead of me. I listened to parents bitch about how their daughters didn't have a problem. Heather would talk to them so I wouldn't end up showing my emotions. I've been late to work five times. Heather would call me at seven because I always forgot to turn on my alarm.

_Heather…._

Heather was the reason I am who I am today. I was high maintenance. I needed someone to look out for me. If it weren't for her, I would have abandoned the school for something else. The school wouldn't be here. Heather had always put me before anyone else. She was dedicated to me, but I never saw that. Two years, she's been with me, and I didn't as much as send her a birthday card. I didn't even know when her birthday was. But she knew mine. She always bought me something. She would wrap it up carefully and place it on my desk before I came to work. She cared about me. Why else would she put up with me?

I realized how much I cared about her as well. Yet I did nothing but made her work, work, work. I didn't say thank you. I never let her have the day off. I refused to pay her overtime. It took me six months to remember her name. I didn't deserve to have her come to work everyday with a smile on her face, asking me what I needed done.

And now she's slipping away. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I can barely work. I pretend to work for a few hours and then leave for the hospital, trying to get in to see Heather. I haven't been this way in a long time. It's like my life is shattering. I haven't felt this way since my mother died when I was seventeen.

I watched Heather sleep a bit before I drifted off to sleep as well. And naturally with sleep, there comes dreams.

"_What are you doing here?"_

"_I need your help."_

"_I know what you're going to ask and I'm not going to help you."_

"_Please…you have connections. You can make people go away."_

"_Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?"_

"_No…I don't mean what you think I do. Just make them disappear. Send them to Singapore for all I care."_

"_No I'm not…. Not after that little stunt you pulled. You embarrassed me for the last time. I'm going to make sure that you and that little geek are ruined. The tabloids are already catching wind of this. All I have to do is press a few buttons on a phone and everyone will know your name."_

"_Don't do this! Please don't do this.. He's been through so much. This could be the end. Don't make it worse."_

"_You're not fooling anyone. This is all a giant scam. Everyone knows that. You're worse than he is for believing in him and his transparent lies."_

"_He's not lying! I know he's telling the truth. I know what she's like."_

"_Goodbye."_

"_No don't-"_

I woke up, feeling someone rub my shoulder. I opened my eyes to see the nurse from before. "You shouldn't be in here long…She's going to be fine." I stood up, sighing. I looked back at Heather. She looked so fragile.

I walked out of the room and went down the hallway. I heard some commotion going on near the E.R. Curious; I walked into the E.R. and watched what was going on. My eyes widened. I haven't seen him in years, but I knew it was him. His face. I knew that face anywhere.

What was Freddie Benson doing in the E.R. this time of night?

He was arguing with this doctor over something. I walked closer, blending in with all the other people in the E.R. that was looking at the scene as well.

Freddie changed since I last saw him. For one thing, he grew at least two inches. He's as white as a sheet of paper and his eyes are bloodshot. His clothes are wrinkled and his hair is a mess. I faintly smelt the disgusting odor of alcohol coming from him. He was also swaying, holding on to the chair to keep his support. The doctor left and came back with two police officers. I watched them talk and the doctor pulled out a Breathalyzer. Freddie blew into it and apparently, that wasn't good news. The officers then started to put handcuffs on him. I wanted to intervene. After all, Freddie wouldn't harm a fly and besides public drunkenness, I didn't see what he was doing wrong. But then I saw Sam come into the E.R. She brushed right past me, not even noticing that I was there. There was a cast on her arm. She demanded that the cops let Freddie go and she pulled off the handcuffs. The girl had brute strength; I have to give her credit for that.

Sam and Freddie left the hospital and I followed them. I called out, "Sam, Freddie!" They turned around to see who was calling their names. I noticed that Sam had a cast on her arm. "…Mr. Papperman, what are you doing here?" Sam asked, her face full of surprise. "I was just leaving Heather…what was all that about in the E.R?" I asked. Sam glanced at Freddie and then back at me. "None of your business," Freddie answered for her. I shot a glare at him before turning to Sam. The blonde shifted slightly before nodding, "He's right. This is none of your business." Freddie started to stumble a bit more, spinning around slightly.

Sam looked at Freddie, "Mr. Papperman, as you can see, my fiancée is in no mood to talk to you nor am I. If you excuse me, I need to go." She walked down the street with Freddie by her side. I sighed as I went to walk across the street to the bus stop. I needed to go home and rest. I waited for the bus, wondering what in the world was going on.

But what do I care? Heather is dying. By this time tomorrow, she could be on slab in the morgue. I couldn't let that happen. I was so lost in my thoughts that I almost missed the bus. I hurriedly got on and slipped some change into the bus driver's hand. I had a car of my own. But I never used it. I sat down near the front of the bus, wanting to go home and get some sleep before work.

Ten minutes later, the bus gets off near the neighborhood where I lived. I got off the bus and went down the street. It was a half a mile walk, but I needed to clear my head. Walking does that for me, especially when I'm sad or angry at the world.

I unlocked the door into my home. It was quiet and clean and cold, like the hospital room. I slipped off my coat and went into the bathroom to change into my pajamas. I glanced at myself in the mirror. I really have changed since I was young.

Around the time I started my sophomore year, my face grew longer and more masculine. I lost my round baby face for the sculptured look of a young man. I shot up at least half a foot, evening out my body. I have to say that I was even more handsome then than before. And this time, people recognized that. I had girlfriends, but I always keep my eyes on Carly.

I walked out of the bathroom and laid down in the queen sized bed. I was dead tired, but I couldn't sleep. I scrambled around the nightstand for the bottle of sleep medication I got a doctor to describe. I swallowed the pills, not even thinking about water. I fell asleep after a few minutes.

I woke up hours later and checked the clock. It was almost eight in the morning. I instantly got out of my bed and jumped in and out of the shower. I grabbed some clothes and grabbed a bite to eat before getting into my car. I drove down the street to the school. I parked into my reserved parking space and went up to my office.

I sat down at my desk and stared at the computer screen, wondering what the hell I was doing.

There is no point for me being here. I'm not going to get anything done. All I wanted to do was to see Heather, to look out for her. But I had to stay here and at least look busy. Work distracts me sometimes. I popped some Tylenol in my mouth and swallowed some cold coffee. It only seemed to make my headache worse. I laid my head on the desk and passed out.

_Thanks for reading. Next chapter will be longer. I just have a hard time doing Nevel's POV for some reason. It's hard to get inside his head without reavealing too much information about my story's suprises. XD_


	27. Hello, Hello, Can Anybody Hear Me?

_Well, I just realized that you haven't heard from Spencer for almost ten chapters, and he deserves to be heard…Go Spencer, you hilarious machine. I 3 you_

**To My Reviewers:**

**What lurks beneath**_: Oh, good to see you again. Thank you for all your reviews. ^^_

_As for the scars, you'll know soon enough. _

_Character development is always good for a good story. What is a story without progress? _

_Spencer knew about the ligature marks because he watches Law and Order with Angela and if you seen the show they use that term a lot when someone has been bound. Spencer is not as dumb as many people believe him to be. He just has little common sense._

_Vivian is basing that story off her past and whether she's referring it to Sam/Freddie as well is up to you. That's the fun of being a reader._

_Personally, I'm not that much of a Creddie fan, but it does have its moments. Like the moments in my story. XD_

_I am an actor and I spend a lot of time getting into character, talking to character. My teacher says that you have to meditate really hard and wait for your character to talk back to you. It seems crazy, but it does work. I relate characters to myself and I'm able to see things from their point of view. And yes, you will know about the lie._

_I do want to make a book out of this. I'll finish it and look through it, change some names and circumstances. As for the inspiration, I was watching an iCarly marathon and I just came up with the idea of Sam and Freddie in an abusive relationship._

_You got to love secrets, it keeps the reader reading._

_Well, I believe that there is more to Jonah than meets the eyes and I want to explore that. _

_Most of the time, people drink to feel numb and that's Freddie's mindset right now. And due to the circumstances that the doctor saw, I can't blame them for thinking hwo they thought. _

_No, Heather is not going to die. And no, it was not Nevel talking to Vivian. _

**Roseheart**_: You're one of many people that doesn't want Vivian to be with Freddie. This is an entirely Seddie fanfic, but there will be some intimacy between him and other characters. Who, you will find out. Vivian isn't perfect and she does have some motives that are questionable just like everyone else. Please keep on reading. I love having a fan like you._

**Sockstar**_: XD, I love thinking about what will happen in a story and seeing what really happen._

**CrystalRulesRB****Y**_: There will be around one hundred chapters. It depends on how the story goes._

**Alex S.:** _As long as there are fans like you to please, I'll keep on writing._

**Discostick0shala**_: Well, I'm in belief that we all effect each other's lives and I hate a movie or a book that only focuses on the main characters._

**Chapter Twenty-Seven**: Hello, Hello, Can Anybody Hear Me?

_Three weeks later…_

"That was amazing," I whispered, breathing in and out. "Where have I heard that before?" Angela joked as she sat up in the bed. She glanced at the clock, "Better get to work, champ. It's almost seven thirty." I whined, "But I want to say here. I'll call in sick." Angela rolled her eyes, "No, no, no. You need to go to work or we're going to be paying off our honeymoon until our fifties." I got out of my bed and put on some clothes over my naked body. Angela got out of bed and slipped on her clothes. "It's just hard. I haven't worked for weeks and know I have to return…" I sighed. Angela smiled as she looked at me, "Don't worry about it, Spencer. One day, you can finally quit and be an artist, like you want." I shook my head, "I'm not going to quit…" Angela sighed as she walked over to me and hugged me, "You're feeling guilty. That's why you're doing something you hate. Don't you miss doing what you love?" I pulled away, "I don't hate working there….I like helping those girls."

Angela shrugged as she got her purse. "Just like you like helping those women," I pointed out. Angela stopped and glanced over at me. "You want to paint. We both know that. But you want to help those women more," I said, walking over her. Angela sighed, "It's different. You know what happens to your girls. I don't. I don't know if the woman that calls me will leave the bastard or does he end up killing her? At the end of the day, I can't do a thing about it. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't. There are days when I get so hopeless, the only reason I get out of bed is you." She smiled softly at me, "And then there are days when the women come to me and thank me for helping them leave. There are days when I testify in court and see the smug men dragged away to prison for the rest of their miserable lives. Those are the days when I come home and I paint entire portraits in an afternoon."

I smiled back at her and commented, "We're too busy trying to save everyone, and we don't take care of ourselves." Angela's watch beeped and she looked down at the watch before going to the door, "Seven forty. That's when the "Breakfast Brawl" women call in." I followed her, thinking that we would resume this conversation later. We met at the door and kissed each other before heading in separate directions.

I walked to work and went to my classroom just minutes before the bell rang. The girls came into my class and a regular first period started. By the end of the period, I locked up the classroom to go visit Sam. I haven't talk to her in a while so I wanted to see how she was doing. I walked into her classroom and I saw her sitting on the desk. She had a cast over her arm. That's the only thing that was different about her. I smiled slightly as I walked over to her. "Hey…" I greeted. Sam smiled at me, "Oh, hey you. How was the honeymoon?" I grinned, "It was great. We danced and skinny dipped in freezing water and met polar bears. It was just awesome." Sam laughed, "Well, I wish I was there." I glanced at her cast, "What up with that?" She smirked and shrugged, "I slipped and fell. I'm getting the cast off in a week. The doctor said I'm lucky that it's healing so quickly."

I smiled as I pulled out a pen and signed her cast, "I hope you get better, Sam. Freddie must be waiting on you hand and foot." Sam smiled, but there was something odd about her smile, "Oh, yes. Freddie's been very, very sweet lately." The smile reminded me of like some crazy serial killer in a way, but I just laughed it off. "So, what's been going on lately?" I asked. Sam just smiled and shrugged as she glanced over at her students, "…Freddie asked me to marry him." I smiled at that, "Yeah, I know. He told me that he was going to ask you to marry him." Sam looked back at me, "Well, we're going to get married the first of November." I asked, "…So, are you going to invite any of the family?" Sam shrugged, "Maybe…Maybe not."

"So, have you and Freddie done it yet?" I asked, bluntly. I couldn't help it. It's been on my mind a lot and I was really curious about it. I try not to picture it, but I see Sam as the one taking control in the bedroom. Then again, who knows? Perhaps, Freddie has that secret animalistic side that no one knows about. Sam's face blushed, "Spencer…Didn't your wife teach you any manners?" I said, smirking, "She taught me a lot of things, like how you can use a common household item to-" Sam put her hands over her ears, "La, la, la, la, I can't hear you, la, la, la, la." I laughed at that as I punch her playfully, "Well…have you?" Sam shook her head, "No not yet. We're waiting until wedding night." I smiled, "Aw…That's sweet." Sam rolled her eyes, "It's not sweet. It's lame. I can't get away with doing anything until marriage. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't put up with it…" I shrugged as the bell rang. I went back to class.

The day slipped by slowly and I was locking up after fourth period. Sam came into the classroom, "Hey, Spencer, can you do me a favor?" I looked at her and nodded, "Yeah." Sam said, "I'm going to Best Buy to buy a laptop for Freddie. I need male advice on which one to get." I nodded as I walked out of the classroom with her, "No problem." We caught a cab outside of the school and it drove over to the closest Best Buy, which was ten miles away. We got out and looked around the store. We were quiet for most of the time. I could tell she didn't feel like talking. She then asked a man what was the best computer they had. The man led her down the aisle and showed her a really cool looking laptop with a bunch of shiny buttons. "The aurora m9700 is what you're looking for." He then started explaining all the cool features of it as Sam looked at the price tag. There was an audible gasp come from Sam when she found it. "My mom had cars that weren't this expensive…" She pointed out as she put the tag up. She sighed, "It's going to take me weeks to save up this money and by then there will be something else to top this one and I'll never be able to afford it."

I stood up there; looking at the laptop, "Don't be so hard on yourself, Sam. He'll love this one…" Sam glanced at me, "You think so?" I grinned as I put my arm around her, "Don't worry about it, kiddo….Let me talk to Nevel, he's so distracted that he'll give anyone a bonus. You can give Freddie the laptop as a wedding gift." Sam glanced at her watch, nodding, "Yeah…Listen, I better go." Without another word, she left the store. Rude much?

I walked out of the store and I heard my cell phone ring. I pulled it out, seeing it was Socko, "Hey, man what's up?" I heard silence on the other end before saying, "Texas kicked me out." My eyes widened at that, "Oh my God…Why? What happened?" I could hear him struggle to keep back tears, "Apparently we've grown apart…She's not happy with me. She's not happy with our life. She kicked me out and she's filing for divorce. Oh, God, my kids…My kids, my wife, my family. I don't understand…" I sat down on the bench, "Calm down, Socko. It's going to be all right. Where are you now?" Socko sighed, "I'm outside my house, trying to reason with her, but she won't let me talk to her. My kids are wondering why the hell their mother won't let them see their father. I can't handle this….I can't believe this is happening." I sighed, "Listen, Socko, don't worry about this. You can stay with Angie and me until you two get back together." Socko calmed down after a while, "I can't do that. You and Angela are newly weds. You don't need some random guy crashing on your couch while you're consummating your marriage." I blushed slightly, "Socko, we've pretty much consummated our marriage before we even started talking about it. It's no big deal. You can stay there tonight and I'll see if Angela is game for it." He sighed, "Well, okay. I'll take a bus to your house. I'll be there in time for Angela's…wonderful cooking." I laughed softly, "Don't worry about it. I'll order a pizza." Socko laughed before saying, "Thanks, Spencer. I'm really glad that I have someone like you to help me out of trouble." I smiled, "Don't thank me. I'm glad you're by my side too. I'll see you in a few hours. Bye." Socko said bye as well and hung up.

I hailed a cab and it drove me home. I wondered if Angela would be fine with Socko staying with us. I would hate to have to send him away to some hotel when he should be with friends. I had no idea that his marriage was in trouble. Socko was a good man, he deserved better than to be kicked out without any explanation. I remember the day he called with the news that his wife was pregnant, not only pregnant but pregnant with triplets. His entire late twenties was laced with responsibility he wasn't ready for and he confided in me that he wanted to skip out so bad and enjoy life, but I was always there to bring him back to reality. He loved his kids, he was grateful that they were in his life. He was a good man.

I went into the apartment and looked around, "Angela!" I then saw a note on the coffee table. I picked it up, reading it.

_Spencer,_

_Emergency at work. Woman has husband at gunpoint. I'm talking her through it. I asked my assistant to drop this note off. I won't be home until I've traced the call and calmed her down. I'm not sure when I'll be back._

_Love, _

_Angela_

I sighed at that as I pocketed the note and picked up the phone, calling for pizza. At least my work hours were stable. I knew when I was going to be home. I sighed as I sat down on the couch, turning on the TV. I had a plan for a nice romantic dinner (not made by Angela, of course) to celebrate the rest of our normal lives, but I guess that wasn't happening.

I heard knocking on the door and I answered it. Socko was standing there with one suitcase. He didn't look in the mood to talk, so I just led him to the couch and let him sit there, brooding. The pizza came by a few minutes later and I paid for it. Socko only ate one slice before mumbling about how his son, Colby, loved extra cheese on his pizza. He started crying and I left him to mourn. I didn't know how to talk to him. I was never any good in these types of situations. I sat down at the other side of the room, waiting for him to start talking. I wasn't going to force him to do anything. Angela was the one who knew how to talk to sad people. Well, sad women, but that was better than anything.

_Next one is going to be so good. ^^ You guys are going to love it. And btw, congratulations to me because I just gotten over five thousands hits!!!_

…_..........................................._

_Where are the balloons?_


	28. The SheWolf's Power

_Hey guys, back with another long chapter. ^^ _

**To My Reviewers_:_**

_**Discostick0shala:** I can't wait until they bring Socko in. I'm so curious to what he looks like XD_

_**Hello!!:** Isn't that weird? I got an idea for this from a movie. Maybe it was the same thing. Who knows what would happen though?_

_**Alex S.:** Thanks for reading. You are so nice to review. ^^_

_**sockstar:** XD I've been trying to fix in Socko's family members with certain things. Like Lily being the flower girl, Texas playing poker, etc. I'm glad that I made you laugh with Colby._

_ **.reviewer**: Thanks for reviewing. And show your friends, too. You know, you brough up a good point. I would have to figure out what to do if I was going to make this into a book. It's a legitimate concern. Keep on reading._

_**Roseheart**: Yay! Long Review! XD Actually, I am trying out for a part in a play and hopefully I get the part. I'm prepared to put all my heart into it and if you're right about putting a lot into this story than I would be a pretty good actress. I'm not sure if I worded that right...Anyway, I love stories dealing with drama because they are so real. I don't feel like I'm reading a book, I feel like I'm part of something that's really going on. I feel the same way that you do about books.  
_

**Chapter Twenty-Eight: The She-Wolf's Power**

I was sitting in the kitchen, calmly eating my dinner. It was silent and still like a picture. I hummed as I stood up and cleaned off my plate. I opened the fridge and got out a bottle of wine. Freddie's punishment was almost over with. Yes, we were still going to get married, but he just needed to be taught a lesson. I was perfectly fine with him drinking, as long as he didn't harm me in the process. I never let anyone hit me in my life, why would he be the first one. I couldn't physically punish him like I wanted. But the psychological torture, now that's something that would last…and last…and last…

I went over to our bedroom. I had checked up on him earlier, but he was asleep. I opened the closet to find him, awake. He was in the corner of the closet. His arms were wrapped around his knees and it's likely that he had slept in that position. His ankles and wrists are tied together with duct tape. Duct tape also covers his mouth. I put on a new tape every couple of hours, depending on whether I remember or not. He's undressed save for his boxers and a tank top. His eyes are pleading. I know what he wants. I ripped the off the duct tape on his mouth. "Thank you," He whispered, his voice was hoarse. I picked him up and carried him out of the closet and set him on the bed. I took the duct tape off of his ankles and wrists. He rubbed them, tenderly. "Can I go into the bathroom?" I said, simply, "You have ten minutes." He bowed his head and went into the bathroom. He shut the door behind him and I heard the shower turn on.

I sighed softly as I started remembering.

It was the day after we got back from the hospital. I called in to work, saying I was sick. He was still asleep in the bed. He passed out on the way to the apartment I had to drag him back into our home. Luckily no one was there to see us. He woke up a few minutes after I got out of the shower. He started apologizing for what he did. I forgave him, but I told him that he still needed to be punished. He asked me if I was going with the knife-and-salt punishment. I told him that I wasn't. That he wasn't going to get off that easily. I told him that he was going to be punished in two ways. He just bowed his head and started to shake in fear. I smirked softly as I grabbed his hand. I kissed each and every little knuckle before I grabbed a pen on the desk. I took his palm and traced the small lines on it before I took his arm.

I caressed the softness of his forearm before I got off the bed. "Get some clothes on," I commanded as I put on my own clothes. He instantly obeyed my command. I grabbed him by his wrist. I pushed him into the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. I handed it to him, "Drink…" He was hesitating at first, but he obeyed me. He drunk the entire bottle and he handed it back to me. I handed him another bottle. He looked at me and asked why I was doing this. I laughed and just told him to drink more. He obeyed me. He then started to get disoriented and it only took a little while before he fell to the floor, passed out. I then grabbed the phone and called this friend of mine. He wouldn't ask questions.

Said friend came over twenty minutes later with his tools. I picked Freddie up and placed his on the couch. The friend wanted to know what I wanted written. I told him and he smirked. He then started to tattoo Freddie's arm. It took half an hour and it was beautifully done. I paid the friend and sent him on his way. Freddie woke up an hour later to look at his arm. He was so much in shock that he couldn't breathe for awhile. He kept looking at his arm, not even glancing at me.

Property of Samantha Puckett Benson

I sat down next to him and hugged him tightly, "Now you belong to me forever and ever…" He hugged me back, but he wouldn't speak to me. I then told him what the next phase of his punishment was.

I would keep him locked up in the closet for as long as I had to keep the cast on. I only let him out to use the bathroom. The only drink he had was the wine I bought him. The wine was the only pleasure I gave to him. I would let him eat, but only once a day. And he had to beg for it. Do you know what it's like to have absolute and complete power over someone? I know and it's absolutely wonderful. And he has control over me as well. If he left, I wouldn't know what to do. I would just die. Our lives are in each other's hands. We make each other live.

The punishment wasn't a brand new idea. My mother used it on my father frequently. I remembered when she locked him in the closet under the stairs, often making him stay in the closet for months. She only let him out so he could go to work. After all, he was the sole supporter of the family. How else could she afford her designer clothes? I was using it on Freddie for the first time. I wondered if it would yield the same results.

Freddie came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. He smelt of the sweet scent of oranges. It was from his shampoo. "…Are you hungry?" I asked. Freddie nodded, slowly. "Well, come on," I said, getting off the bed and going into the kitchen. Freddie followed me into the kitchen. He sat down in the corner of the room. "I poured him a glass of wine as Freddie watched me. "…Can I please have something to eat?" Freddie asked, his voice raspy. "Oh, you're going to have to do better than that," I commented. Freddie sighed as he thought. Then a glint in his eyes spoke that he came up with an idea. He stood up and walked over to me. He wrapped his arms around me. My eyes widened in surprise at this burst of affection. He started kissing me. His kisses were pleasing and tender. I slowly closed his eyes, melting in his arms. If there was one thing I could not resist it was his kisses. So sweet, so slow, so sensual, so soft. I then felt something I never felt before. I felt his hand snake up my shirt as he unclasped my bra. This didn't feel like Freddie.

This man before me was a man of confidence in what he was doing. Freddie would never go this far without me "persuading" him. The usually tomato redness on his cheek was replaced by a light blush. He was still nervous in what he did, but it wasn't as much as before. The moves were made swiftly and smoothly, not with the usual clumsiness and nervousness that would accompany such things.

Freddie started to kiss me deeper as I pulled off his tank top. I threw it on the floor, not really caring where it landed. I ran my fingers up and down his muscles and skin. I loved the way it felt against my own skin. "Say my name…" Freddie soon said, kissing my neck. "Freddie," I whispered, caught up in the heat of the moment. "Say it again," He said, pulling off my shirt and letting my bra slip to the floor. "Freddie," I said, this time it was louder and full of passion. "Say this feels good," Freddie commanded as he kissed down my chest to my navel. "This feels so good," I purred as I ran my fingers through his hair. But then, Freddie pulled away. I whined as I looked at him.

Freddie chuckled and kissed my nose, innocently, "A good lover satisfies their partner. A better one leaves them wanting more…" I smirked slightly, "Who are you and what did you do with my chaste Freddie Benson?" Freddie just shrugged as he asked, "Do I get my dinner?" I nodded, willing to say yes to anything that man asked of me. I got down to get my clothes and he went down to get up his tank top. I opened the refrigerator and I pulled out some food to cook. He took the glass of wine and started drinking like it was water in the desert. "You shouldn't be cooking for a broken wrist," He said. I shrugged, "It's okay."

Freddie sat down at the dinner table, running his fingers through his hair as he glanced over at me. I finished cooking and gave him his dinner. "…So, how was work?" He asked. "It was okay," I shrugged as I got a Swifter and started mopping the floor. He watched me as he ate. "Who are you and where's my lazy Sam Puckett?" He laughed. I smirked, "I'm bored. There's nothing on TV." He laughed as he soon turned solemn, "…How long do I have left in my punishment?' I sighed as I finished cleaning the floor, "…Eh, forget about it. You've learned your lesson, right?" Freddie nodded, "Yes I did and I'm still so sorry for what I did." I smiled, "Don't worry about it. Just don't let it happen again." Freddie smiled as he went to open the fridge to get out more wine. He seemed relieved. I put the Swifter up and sat down on the counter. I looked down at my favorite belt and started to run my fingers on the stone snake. Freddie got the wine bottle and went to pour the wine into his glass, but somehow it slipped out of his hand. It fell to the floor and broke into dozens of pieces. Wine spilled out onto the floor. The floor I just mopped.

"…I just mopped that floor," I said, gritting my teeth. "I-I'm sorry, Sam," Freddie said, his voice full of fear. "I wonder how in the world anyone can be so clumsy," I said, anger rising. I was so pissed off at him. I glared at him, "But you…you pathetic mutt. I work all day with a broken wrist. A broken wrist you cause, remember that. And I cooked and clean, despite that. Do you think that I enjoy watching you mess everything up?" Freddie shot down to the floor and cowered under the table. That just made me even madder. I rolled my eyes, "Get your ass out of there." I pulled him out by the tank top collar and set him in the middle of the floor. I then pulled off my belt and folded it in half. I struck him on his back. He cried out as he looked away from me. I sighed as I stared at him, "Now look at what you made me do. Do you think I enjoy hurting you…Well, in fact I do enjoy hurting you. I enjoy it so much, I'm going to do it again." I hit him with the belt once more. It hit his left thigh. But then, as I registered the words, it left a bad taste in my mouth. It wasn't true. I didn't enjoy causing pain like this, but I couldn't control it and he gets me so angry sometimes.

I hit him with the belt once more, "You're so stupid. So weak. You can't do anything right, can you? You can't. You're worthless! You're pathetic! You're-" He yelled, cutting me off, "I know! I know! I've heard it all! I know! I'm stupid, I'm weak, I'm clumsy, I'm an idiot, I'm ugly, and I'm worthless." Tears were caught in his voice. "Please, please, don't say anymore. I can't take anymore," Freddie said. He glanced over at me and tensed up even more, "Please…Just hit me and be done with it. I can't stand not knowing what you're going to do." I stared at him. He wasn't like this. Usually he would just take it with the occasional begging. I shook my head. I had to get things back to normal. I don't know how to respond to this. "…Clean up the mess you made," I muttered, putting my belt back on. Freddie didn't do anything. It was like he couldn't hear me. "What? Are you deaf, too? Clean up," I said, sharply. Freddie jumped at the sound of my voice and went to clean up the mess.

I then heard a knock on the door. I went to the door and opened it, "What are you doing here?"

My older sister by two minutes, Melanie Puckett, was standing at my doorstep. "…Can't I visit my sister?" She walked past me and saw Freddie who was in the kitchen, crying and half naked with blood coming off of the fresh wounds on his body. "…Did I interrupt something?" Melanie asked. Freddie looked confused. He glanced at Melanie and then at me and back to Melanie again. Oh yeah, he still thought that Melanie was just a trick I used on him years ago. "…Freddie, this is Melanie…You meet her before." Freddie glanced at her and then back at me, "…Of course…I remember Melanie…" Usually, when we're caught in a situation like this, we just pretended everything was normal. There's not a lot we can do otherwise.

Melanie asked, "Can Sam and I have some time alone, Freddie?" Freddie glanced at me and I said, "Go into the bedroom, Freddie. We'll talk later." Freddie sighed as he left the room. Melanie and I sat down on the couch. Melanie smiled and asked, "So, how have you guys been?" I glared at her, "Cut the b.s. and tell me why you're here."

Melanie sighed as the smile fell on her face. "…I heard from Mom that you're marrying Freddie." I shrugged, "Yeah, what of it? You didn't come here just to tell me congratulations." Melanie sighed as she glanced at the door, "…Because I don't want you to marry Freddie." I glared at her, "Why not?" Melanie said, "Because you're going to repeat history, Sam." I rolled my eyes, "What the hell are you talking about?' Melanie asked, "Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think that just because you won the trial, that meant that everyone forgot. I didn't, Sam. I wish that I had the guts to testify against you because you deserve to rot in jail for what you've done to him." I stood up, angry. I got into her face, "What do you know about it? What do you know about anything that I do to him? You know nothing. They found me not guilty. Isn't that good enough for you?"

Melanie sighed as she closed her eyes. She asked, "Are you so blind that you can't see that you're killing the man that loves you? When will it finally get through your head that you're a monster? When? When he doesn't wake up after a beating?" I snapped, "You're crazy. I would never go that far." Melanie snapped back, "You're escalating, Sam. Do you think that I'm just going to walk away after what I saw? The boy might as well have put a sign on his chest saying, "Yo, I'm being abused by this physcomaniac that is keeping me prisoner." I have half a mind to call the police on you." I growled, "You come into my home. You accuse me of things you know nothing about. You have a lot of nerve to do that."

Melanie yelled at me, "You're becoming just like Mom…And the only reason that poor boy hasn't ran away like Dad did is because you lock him up. You're screwing his head worse than Mom ever did to Dad." I glared at her, "Don't you dare compare me to Mom. She never loved Dad. She never even apologized to him." Melanie snapped, "Apologizing doesn't make it right. I hate her for what she's done to us." I rolled my eyes, "What are you blabbering about now?' Melanie sighed as she said, "I had my first serious relationship last year…He was the best guy I ever met…And I hit him. I don't know why I did it. I just did. It broke his jaw. I had no idea that I had that much strength in me. I had to break up with him because I knew that I was going to hurt him worse. Abuse and violence. It's a cycle, Sam. We're forced to be apart of it. Don't make it go on longer."

I was speechless for the first time that evening. I put my hand to my head and sighed. "Please, leave, Melanie…" I whispered. Melanie sighed as she hugged me, "Sam…Little sister…please just listen to me for once in your life." I pushed her away and looked down to the floor. "Do you love Freddie?" Melanie asked. "Yes," I whispered. "Then get help. Get medication, go to a doctor, get a therapist. Do something. Or you're going to lose that boy and you're never going to get him back," Melanie replied. She then walked to the door and turned to me, "He's either going to leave you or you're going to drive him insane…Either way, he's gone for good." She then left the apartment.

I stood up and walked back to the bedroom. Freddie was on the bed, wrapping up his wounds. I stared at him and whispered, "…I'm sorry…" Freddie shrugged, "Whatever…It's my fault. I was clumsy." I sighed, "No…I really am sorry. I overreacted." I hugged him and he hugged me back. I could feel the smile on his face warming up. "Let's get married," I whispered. Freddie rubbed my back, "We will, baby…" I shook my head, "I mean now…We can get all the legal papers and I'm sure that a priest will marry us if he's persuaded enough." Freddie looked at me, "…Really? Are you sure?" I nodded, smiling, "Yes, Freddie. I want to. I don't care about wedding bells, cakes, white dresses, or bridesmaids. You're the only thing I want at my wedding. I want to be with you for the rest of my life." Freddie smiled at me, "Are you sure?…Do you really want this?" I nodded. Freddie smiled as he got off the best and looked around the closet for his tux that he wore to Spencer's wedding. I looked around for something that resembled a white dress. I haven't worn it since I crashed the prom, but it was better than nothing. I quickly got the dress on. It was a little snug, but I didn't care. He and I looked at each other and laughed. This was so silly, so irresponsible, but we were doing it anyway. We walked out of the apartment together and hailed a cab. You could well imagine the look on the cabby's face and it just made Freddie and I laugh even harder.

We stopped off at the city hall just about the time it was closing and I manage to sign the legal documents for our marriage. We zipped our way to the closest church. It took a lot of persuading, but we managed to convince the priest to do the job.

No one was there. There were no true formalities. Just us and our love throughout the room. I could hardly even listen to the priest. Freddie looked so handsome. His beautiful brown eyes were lite up with a look that of happiness and joy and pure love. It was something that I haven't seen in awhile. He still looked like that kid I fell in love with when I was a teenager. He hadn't aged a day. He only had gotten taller. "You may recite your vows," The priest said, glancing at me. Apparently, I was supposed to go first. I sighed, "Freddie…"

"I love you. What more can I say? From the first minute we saw each other, I had a feeling that you would be a huge part of my life. I just couldn't stay away from you. You're everything to me. You're my little tech geek and I never want you to leave me. I know that we've been through some bad times together, but the good times are worth it. I'm not so good with words, so you have to forgive me…But just know that I would do anything for you."

He smiled at me, listening to every word I said before he started his, "Sam…"

"You're like a shining sun in the darkness of life and I can't get enough of you. I wake up every morning to you and each hour passes by so slowly until you get home. I want to spend every minute of my life with you. You are my golden star and I wouldn't give you up for anything in the world. And sometimes you scare me because you are so good. I love you. Never leave me."

The priest said, "Do you, Samantha Puckett, take Fredward Benson to be your lawfully wedded husband. Through sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, till death do you part?" I nodded, "I do." The priest turned to Freddie, "Do you, Fredward Benson, take Samantha Puckett to be your lawfully wedded wife? Through sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, till death do you part?" Freddie smiled, "I do." The priest closed the bible, "You may kiss the bride." Freddie took me by my hand and kissed me with all the passion and love in his body. I kissed back, wrapping his arms around him. He picked me up and carried me out of the church. He hailed a cab and we got in, too involved with each other to think of anything else. The cab dropped us off at our apartment and we went upstairs.

It was around eight o'clock. The sun was down and the moon lite up the sky. Freddie took me into the bedroom and set me down on the bed. I smiled at him as he got up on the bed with me. "It's finally happening…" I whispered as he kissed me. "I'm sorry for making you wait so long," He said, looking into my eyes. "It's going to be worth it," I said, smiling. I took off his jacket and through it to the floor as he kissed me. He then turned me around and put his mouth on the zipper of the dress. He pulled it down, his lips tickling my back. I slipped out of my dress so I was only in my bra and panties. I hate panties, but they're a hell of a lot more sexy than the underwear I usually have on. I took off Freddie's shirt to reveal his handsome chest. I smiled and pulled him on top of me. Our kisses became more passionate. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. Finally, our love took over us.

It was long and soft and sweet and passionate and pleasurable. I just can't find enough words to describe it. I'm in my own little world right now where it's just the two of us. I laid down on his chest as I looked up at him. "Was I good?" Freddie asked, always eager to please. "Of course you were," I smiled, "I would tell you if you sucked." Freddie laughed at that as he played with my hair, "You are so romantic." I rolled my eyes, "I'm not good at that romance stuff…" Freddie's eyes were starting to droop, as did mine. "Sam, I love you." He whispered. "I love you too, baby," I said curled up to him, letting his warm embrace take hold of me.

_I hope you guys liked it…_


	29. Second Chances Are Given For A Reason

_Tonight is the moment of truth. What shall happen? Seddieness, Creddieness? Who knows? It's almost thirty minutes until ithinktheykissed._

**To My Reviewers**

_**Link131**__: ^^ In my opinion, no one can be that sweet and not have some secret dark side. XD_

_**Discostick0shalala**__: Teehee, you'll see what happens. _

_**Alex S.:**__ Sam's sort of "Hot n Cold" in this point of time. Deep down she wants to stop, but she can't._

_**White Firebird**__: Thank you for saying so. ^^ Tell all your friends. _

_**Number1NathanKFan**__: Chapter Eighteen is dark, but funny. Like a dark horror/comedy. _

_**Hello!!!:**__ I don't think that Sam would really want all the fancy glamour that comes along with weddings. So I agree with you. _

_**Roseheart**__: Grazie. It was longer than I intended, but I just couldn't stop writing. Well, I did get a part (Yay me!) so I'm sorry if chapter updates aren't as frequent as before. If this does become a book, you guys will be the first to know. Sam and Freddie both need each other which is why they've lasted so long, it's kind of like Stella and Stanley's relationship in __A Streetcar Named Desire__ by Tennessee Williams. Vivian has always taken care of everyone around her, so when she wants something (i.e. Freddie) she gives into it easier since she doesn't get what she wants as much as most people do. Melanie seems like to be someone that would intervene, she cares about her sister, but she won't let her hurt other people. Well, I like complex stories because they seem more real and they exercise your brain. Thanks for the fun facts. ^^_

**Chapter Twenty-Nine: Second Chances Are Given For A Reason**

I'm sitting in the waiting room by the O.R. I'm tired, I'm nervous, and I'm excited. The doctors were taking out the infection in Heather's lungs. It was a risky operation, she may not survive. Unfortunately, it wasn't covered by Heather's insurance, so I paid for it. I had to take any chance given to me. This could be the last one. I've been in here for almost ten hours. The doctors kept telling me to go home, but I couldn't. They didn't understand how much Heather meant to me. I had to see for myself if she was going to live or die. It took me over an hour to realize that I was reading the same magazine article. I didn't even remember what it was saying. All the words seem like a foreign language.

Fifteen minutes later, the doctor walked up to me. I thought I was going to get another warning to go home so I prepared myself to threaten to sue him if he didn't leave me alone. "Mr. Papperman, the surgery was a success," The doctor said, smiling, "Heather's in her room if you want to see her." I was in total disbelief. "She's…she's going to be alright?" I asked, my voice was barely above a whisper. "Yes, sir," The doctor answered. I stood up, feeling a range of emotions through my body. I walked over to Heather's room and entered in.

"…Mr. Papperman, what are you doing here?" Heather asked. She was sitting up in the hospital bed. Apparently, the anesthesia had worn off soon after the surgery. She looked so much better already. Her breathing was back to normal. "…I wanted to see if you were okay," I said, sitting on the chair. She smiled at me, "Well, thank you for caring, but you can leave. I'll be back to work in the morning." I shook my head, "No way. You're going to rest and maybe next month, you can come back to work." Heather's eyes widened, "But I can't do that. I'm sure that I've obliterated most of my savings from being in the hospital. I need money to pay my rent and groceries." I sighed, "I can loan you some money to take care of your expenses…" Heather looked at me, cautiously, "Mr. Papperman, we both know you're not going to do that. You don't even pay me overtime, how am I suppose to believe that you're going to give me money like that?"

I looked at the blonde haired woman and I sighed, deciding to tell her the truth, "Heather, the way I feel about you has changed." Yes, that sums up the entire situation quite nicely. "…What do you mean?" Heather asked, raising her eyebrow in confusion. "…I, Nevel, have more than boss to secretary feelings towards you, Heather," I said, slowly. "…So, we're friends now?" Heather asked, just as slow. "…" I groaned before putting my hand to my forehead. "Well, you see…" I started off, "When you were sick, I couldn't stand the thought of losing you. I mean, you're always there for me, taking care of me…I got so attached to you and I didn't even realize it."

Heather smiled slightly, "So you _are_ going to start paying me for overtime?"

I wanted to scream. I wanted to stand up and scream to the ceiling. I groaned one more time and said, "Perhaps this will make things clearer." I grabbed her chin and shoved my lips on to hers. I then pulled away a few seconds later when I realized she wasn't kissing me back. Heather put her fingers to lips as she looked at me. Her eyes were wide with surprise, "I don't understand, Mr. Papperman…" I looked up at the ceiling, preparing my voice to scream. However, I was interrupted. "I mean, what are you saying?" She asked. I looked down at her, confusion flowing through me. "…First off, just call me Nevel," I said, simply. "…Okay…Nevel," Heather said. I loved the way she said my name. It made it sound attractive. There was a slight accent on the end of my name so it sounded like "Nev-L." It was cute.

"Why did you kiss me, Nevel?" Heather asked, looking at me for an explanation. "Over the past few months, I've developed feelings for you," I said, bluntly. She bit her lower lip as she looked at me in disbelief, "…You like me?" I rolled my eyes, "What are you? A sixth-grader? I'm asking if you want to be my girlfriend." Heather smiled slightly, "Nevel…I'm not sure what to say…" I smirked as I tapped her nose, "Then say yes and we can discuss the details over dinner at a nice little four star Italian restaurant." Heather's face turned red, "Nevel, this is highly inappropriate. I mean, I'm your secretary and you're my boss." I rolled my eyes, "So?"

Heather sighed, "I feel like that if I don't say yes, you're going to fire me." I rolled my eyes. That was so silly. "I'm not going to fire you. You're the only person that is ever going to deal with all my demands. I wouldn't risk losing you," I said. "Then why did you kiss me?" Heather asked, her eyes were cold. Why were they so cold? I didn't understand. "I kissed you to show you how I felt," I said. Why didn't she understand that? Why was she making all this so difficult? "Mr. Papperman," She said, staring to use formalities again, "I'm afraid that you think that I'm someone else. I'm afraid that the answer is no."

No?…What does she mean by "no"? I don't understand. I thought that she cared about me. I thought that she would reciprocate the feelings….Or at least give me enough to work with so I could charm her.

"Why?" I asked. "Because I'm tired, Mr. Papperman," Heather said, stiffly, "I'm tired of you always taking me for granted. I've been thinking, ever since I got sick, I've been thinking about all my life and how it's been wasted…" I said, surprised, "Wasted…What are you talking about? I don't understand." Heather sighed, "I'm sick of being treated like a slave, every day and night. You treat me like a servant. I am so close to being in the red every month because of all the crap you make me buy for you." I looked away, unable to see her face, "…You're my secretary. It's your job." Heather snapped, "Cleaning your fridge is not my job, you self-serving diva. To think of all the time I wasted on you, thinking that one day you'll see past your secretary and see a woman that really cares about you." I was about to respond when she kept on talking.

"I could have died and what would I have accomplished in my miserable twenty-five years on this planet? Nothing! I could do so much and I'm going to do so much now. You're going to get my letter of resignation tomorrow," Heather said, simply. "Resignation?" I repeated, not believing this. Heather nodded, "Yeah, resignation. I'm not going to work for you anymore. I can't do it anymore." I shook my head slowly, "No, you can't do that, Heather. I need you. You can't just quit." Heather rolled her eyes in disgust, "I can and I will. There is nothing that you can do or say to make me believe otherwise. Now, please leave. I need to get some rest." I felt so angry, so frustrated. I didn't understand why Heather was feeling this way…And how dare she? How dare she deny me? I didn't understand. No woman has ever said no to me. Not since Carly.

I went to try to kiss Heather again, but that just agitated her more. She pushed me away, "Leave me alone, Mr. Papperman." I balled my fists in anger and stood up. I left the room and slammed the door shut. After all the time and money I spent on her…How could she do this to me? I was so frustrated by her rejection that I could barely see straight. I walked out of the hospital and walked down the street. I needed a drink.

I walked into the nearest bar and sat down, ordering straight up vodka. My nerves were rattling and I couldn't even concentrate. I took the shot glass set in front of me and I drunk it. I coughed slightly at the burn as I stared into nothingness. It took only a few minutes until I felt a presence on the bar stool next to me. "Can I buy you a drink?" A female voice asked. I glanced over at the stool's occupant. It was a beautiful young woman with long dark hair in a ponytail. I looked away, "No." I could hear the disappointment in her voice, "Oh…." She started to get up. I looked back at her, "I would like to buy you a drink." She looked at me and giggled, "Oh…funny." She back down. I bought her a Long Island Ice Tea. "So, what's your name?" I asked. "Cindy…." She said, giggly. "Nice to meet you, Cindy," I said as the barkeep got her the drink. "No, not like that. You're saying it wrong. It's S-Y-N-D-I." What kind of name is that? Some drunken college girl's name. Oh well, it's better than nothing.

It only took three drinks before the girl got weak in the knees. I took her back to my car, wanting to get her back home before she got herself into trouble. But one thing led to another….

I'm not proud of myself. Then again, who is?

_So soon until ithinktheykissed...(pulls out party hats and seddie cake)_


	30. The Third Circle

_I'm recovering from the flu so sorry the chapter is late. ^^_

**To My Reviewers:**

_**-Seddie-Rulez**-: yeah, there was something going on with the document. But the people got it working right. ^^_

_**Roseheart**: Heather believes that if Nevel doesn't care about her why should she care whether or not she hurts him. Hopefully, things will be a bit more stable with the coming weeks. I'll be fine with making it into a book as long as I don't change anything major. Melanie would put other people before herself which is why she would rather be alone than abusing the man she loves. I put a lot into Vivian since she was one of my first well thought out OCs so thanks for saying I did a good job. I want to show people that while the world may not be sunshine and sparkles, it doesn't have to be gloom clouds and dark skies. I didn't like iThinktheykissed because with all the hype caused by it I thought that it would be something important happening. _

_**Hello!!!**: Don't worry. Their story isn't done yet._

_**flameh**: Yeah, that was absolutely adorable. ^^ I 3 Freddie._

_**White Firebird**: Thanks for the review and keep reading._

_**Link131**: ^^ Tee-hee, the cake was really good until I realized that there was no Seddie so I ruined my only Seddie cake. T_T I'm going to have to make another._

_**Alex S.**: Thanks. I will._

_**star-gazing-in-LA**: You said it a bunch of times. XD Keep on reading._

_**Amy Vimy**: ^^ It's not as hard as people think, believe it or not._

_**discostick0shala**: No, he didn't rape her. They were both intoxicated, but it was consensual. I'm not sure Nevel would go that far._

**_Chapter Thirty: The Third Circle_**

Dear Diary September 29, 2009

Spencer talked to me today. He saw what happened between Freddie and me. He asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I didn't. I just made him swear to take it to his grave. He agreed. He has a lot on his mind right now, so I'm not going to tell him all the details. You see, he has this sponsor that is having him make sculptures left and right. He's made more sculptures this week than in a month. But it's all supposed to be worth it because the sponsor might take him along on this six-month tour with several other young artists in the Seattle Area. I'm really excited for him. Today in English, Freddie and I could barely look at each other. We barely said two words as we finished our project. We're going to present tomorrow. I'm sure we're going to get an A on it. It wasn't until the free time we had left that he began to talk. He apologized for last night. I told him that there was nothing to apologize for. He smiled at me, telling me that I always made everyone feel better. I smiled back. He's a real sweet guy. Girls would kill for a guy like that. 

Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I can't help but look away. I don't know why. I don't understand why that is. But then again, I could never grasp my head among the bigger issue of things. Whenever I'm out running, I think. When I think, I realize how ignorant I was before. I pretended to be little Miss Perfect when I was anything but. I'm more aware of the world around me and every single thing becomes more and more obvious. 

After English, I was walking through the hallway to my locker. I saw Sam and Freddie kissing by his locker. They were holding each other and kissing each other with such love and passion, I wanted to scream. I just walked up to them and started talking. The soon let go of each other and paid attention to me. I felt so small, like I was three inches tall. I knew what Sam did to Freddie and I knew what Freddie was putting up with. I wanted to confront both of them. I wanted to end this insanity. But I couldn't speak. I couldn't talk about it. I couldn't do anything. I keep thinking that Freddie has this under control. I knew that it wouldn't really get out of lunch, I just throw whatever food is on my tray away or I give it to Sam. She doesn't ask a lot of questions. I doubt she knows I'm on a diet. Freddie looks a little concerned, but he doesn't say anything. He just eats his bagged lunch and stays quiet. He doesn't talk as much as he used to. Especially around Sam. She's now the talker in our group. 

Love, Miss Carly Shay 

Dear Diary, October 5, 2009

Sam was eating at lunch when she stopped and looked at Freddie for the longest time. He looked back at her and raised an eyebrow, "…Yes?" Sam smiled and said, "Nothing…Just admiring how cute you look." Gag. Freddie just blushed and told her that she looked cute, too. Double gag. Sam then told him how hot he was. Triple Gag. Freddie told her how hot she was, too. I might as well be vomiting. 

I hate seeing them act all lovey and gooey. Like everything is all honky doory when they know that it isn't. I mean, it was only a period later when I saw her get angry with him again. I'm not sure what it was about, but she slammed him into the locker. It had something to do with him not complimenting her new hair cut or something. I wasn't paying attention. I wanted to stop her, but I couldn't. I could only watch as this unfolded before me in a sea of confusion and disbelief. Sometimes I catch Freddie on the fire escape. He's sitting down, staring out into the street. Sometimes he's crying, sometimes he isn't. Sometimes I just watch him, sometimes I talk to him. He never tells me directly, but we both know that I know. I told him that he needs to leave her, but he won't. He says that he loves her and that he wants to be with her. He says that he would deal with what she does. I told him that it wasn't healthy to be hurt like that everyday. One time when I said that, he snapped at me. He said that Sam had been doing stuff like that to him for the last five years, "Why are you so concerned now?" He had asked me. I couldn't really answer him. I mean, before it seemed so innocent. I thought it was Sam just being herself. Her aggressive and mean self. I don't know what to think. It's getting hard to think.

I'm so close to failing Physical Science. I can't concentrate. I can't think. Hours of studying mean nothing, because I can't even remember what I was studying about. I'm just so hungry all the time. I haven't eaten a full meal in over a month. All I want is to curl up on a couch with a pint of ice cream and watch some stupid soap opera. But I couldn't. Who knows how many calories are in the ice cream. Especially if it's Rocky Road. My favorite… 

Love, Miss Carly Shay 

Dear Diary, October 6, 2009 

Freddie asked Sam over for dinner at his place this Sunday. Sam is really nervous about it because she wants to impress his mom. I asked her why she cared if Mrs. Benson liked her or not. Sam says that she just does. Which is weird because Sam doesn't care what anyone thinks about her. Especially Mrs. Benson. But anyway, she wants me to come with her so I'll being able to catch her if she gets embarrassed. I hope that she makes a good impression. It means a lot to her.I failed another test today. I didn't even get to finish it. There's no way I'm going to pass this course unless I get As on the rest of the tests in Physical Science. Spencer's not happy about my grades at all and he grounded me for the rest of this month. Sometimes I sneak out around one in the morning and run until three o'clock. I sleep during study hall or after school. Sometimes during lunch if the lovebirds decide to skip lunch to go out, I sleep. 

Love, Miss Carly Shay 

Dear Diary, October 11, 2009 

This is how dinner at Mrs. Benson's. We got all nice and formal for the dinner. We were all wearing white for some odd reason. It was a really strange concidence. 

Mrs. Benson made this delicious looking steak that I wanted to absolutely destroy, but I forced myself not to touch it. Sam didn't start the evening off well. She concluded that since there was no coat racks, she could throw her coat anywhere. So she tossed it over on the couch and it nearly hit a lamp. We sat down at the dinner table and the salad was served first. Sam was last to get the dressing so she spent a good five minutes trying to get enough dressing out of the tube. And enough dressing to Sam meant enough dressing to drown a person with. 

Mrs. Benson started asking questions, like what plans did she have for the future. Sam's response was, "Well, I'm going to finish high school, marry your son, and whatever happens after that is beyond me." I'm sure she was trying to make a joke, but Mrs. Benson wasn't laughing. Mrs. Benson started asking about what her parents did for a living. Sam was obviously irritated by her questions but she answered them honestly, "I don't know where my dad is and my mom doesn't work." She glanced over at Freddie who just looked at her. The steaks were served, I just cut mine up and moved the pieces around a bit to make it looked like I ate. Sam, who was seduced by the meaty scent, ate two steaks within ten minutes and was about to get a third when Mrs. Benson glanced at her, disapprovingly. Sam faked a smile and got some vegetables instead, trying to keep her cool. Freddie looked like he wanted to hide in his room for the rest of her life, but he tried to keep whatever conversation was floating around going. That's Freddie for you. Mr. I'm Going To Make Everything 

Dessert was a cheesecake that I wanted to devour. So I did. I ate every single crumb of the sugary and sweet goodness. I couldn't believe that I it did that. I also didn't believe that I asked for another piece. I felt so guilty for cheating on my diet. I would have to run another hour tonight just to shave off the calories of dessert. Unfortunately, I was the only one that enjoyed dessert. Mrs. Benson asked Sam if she wanted the leftovers. Sam took it the wrong way and asked, "What? You think because my mom doesn't have a job that I'm a welfare case?" She was very ticked off and I knew she wanted to say more. Freddie looked like he wanted to bang his head on the table. Sam then said, "I have no idea how Freddie put up with you for the past fifteen years. You're a controlling and insane witch and thank God you don't have any other kids because I'm sure that unless they're lucky like Freddie they're going to turn out like freaks." She then stood up and grabbed Freddie's arm before leaving the apartment. 

I got up and went after them. Freddie and Sam were in the hallway of the apartment building. Freddie kept telling Sam to go apologize to his mother. Sam asked if he was taking his mother's side. Freddie denied it and told her that she was acting like a defensive bitch. Sam slapped him, telling him to never call her a bitch again. I grabbed Sam and pulled her away from Freddie. I wanted her to leave him alone. It wasn't his fault. Sam was calming down as Freddie slowly recovered. Sam apologized to Freddie for ruining the evening. He forgave her and said that he would talk to his mom. I invited them over to my place to sleep over. I wanted to keep an eye on them. I asked Spencer if they could sleep over and he said it was okay. I got a 100 on a quiz yesterday and Spencer was easing up on the punishment a bit. Now, they are both asleep on my couch. They looked so

Sorry about cutting you off there. Something happened. Freddie had woken up and we talked. He apologized for Sam acting the way she did. I told him that he didn't need to apologize that it was okay. "It's just that this dinner meant a lot to my Mom," Freddie told me. "I understand," I said back to him. "Mom still thinks that Sam is a bully to me. I wanted to show her that she's changed," Freddie said, mumbling. I pointed out, not meaning it to be heard by him, "She hasn't…" Freddie heard me and he looked at me, glaring, "She has changed. She's my girlfriend." I rolled my eyes, "Please, can't you see what she does to you? She hurts you." Freddie shook his head in blind denial, "She doesn't hurt me. I can take care of it on my own. Stay out of our relationship." He started to lay back down on the couch when I stopped him. I said, bluntly, "You put me into your relationship when you kissed me. What was that about?" Freddie said nothing so I continued, "I mean, you just don't go around kissing girls for the fun of it. I know you Freddie. I know that you wouldn't do that. I know-" That's when he spoke. He got into his face, "What do you know about me? What do you really know? You don't know a thing about me unless I tell you. Sam knows and I don't have to tell her. That's what happens when you're with someone that you have strong feelings with….So strong. You won't understand unless you have someone." He then went back to sleep.

I want to know you Freddie. I love you 

Love, Miss Carly Shay 

Dear Diary, October 24, 2009

Not a lot has happened. Things have settled down in a way. The other week, Sam and Freddie celebrated their three-month anniversary by making out in the iCarly studio after a rehearsal. I almost walked in on them if it weren't for the "Keep Out" sign on the door. They had Spencer whip up a romantic dinner like when Freddie went out with Valerie. Sam thought it was cute and Freddie was giving out love compliments like they were Christmas presents. Like I said. Not a lot happened. I'm 110 pounds right now. All I have to do is lose maybe ten more and I can fit into my clothes from middle school. 

Love, Miss Carly Shay 

Dear Diary, October 31, 2009 

It's Halloween. We went over to Sam's house to spend the night. We were watching scary movies and gorging on candy. Well, Sam and Freddie were eating. I was chewing gum. We're on the couch in Sam's living room. Freddie's in the middle of Sam and myself. He looks so cute that I have a hard time not looking at him. It's then that Sam's mom comes in with some drinks. She's actually a pretty nice lady. She's a bit crazy at times, but she's pretty normal besides that. Freddie accidentally spilt his drink on his shirt and the couch. He apologized as Sam and I got off. Sam said it was no big deal. She told Freddie to go clean off in the bathroom and he obeyed her. She started to clean the couch. I went over to sit down in the other couch. Sam's mom walked over to Sam, "…What the hell are you doing?" Sam looked at her mother confused."You, Sam, a woman, are cleaning up a mess made by Freddie, a man. Are you so ready to disrespect your sex?" Ms. Puckett asked. 

She continued, "Women have been the donkeys of men for years, we finally gain our independence, and you're just ready to let him saddle you, aren't you, Sam?" Sam looked up at her mother, "It was an accident and I don't mind cleaning it up." Ms. Puckett said, "You can't treat men nice. They don't deserve it and if you become weak they're going to exploit that." Sam glanced at me and then at her mother, "Please…Not in front of Carly." Ms. Puckett glanced at me, grunted, and left the room. Freddie came back and sat back down, not thinking that anything was different. I could tell that Sam was thinking about something. 

Love, Miss Carly Shay 

Dear Diary, November 1, 2009

Breakfast was pretty interesting. Sam's mom was actually cooking us pancakes. We sat down at the kitchen table and she set down the meal in front of us. Freddie commented, looking at the pancakes, "Excuse me, Ms. Puckett. I don't like blueberries in my pancakes." Sam's mom glanced at Freddie and said, "Really? I'm sorry. I'm always used to blueberries in pancakes. That's they way the warden served pancakes to me in prison." Freddie looked back to his pancakes and took a bite of them. He looked like he was about to vomit. He swallowed it and took a long swig of water before saying, "Thank you for cooking, Ms. Puckett." Sam's mom smiled at him and pat his head before sitting down at the table. After breakfast we went out to the mall where the old Halloween stuff was on sell. Sam went to look at the costumes at the stores. Freddie seemed lost in his own little world. He didn't even look at the electronics stores. We soon left the mall and I went back home. 

Love, Miss Carly Shay 

Dear Diary, November 12, 2009 

It happened again. Freddie came to me tonight around eleven at night. Spencer was asleep in his room so I answered the door. He was wearing the hood. I led him into the living room and I made him some hot chocolate. Like last time. I gave him time to talk. He drunk the hot chocolate and some tears fell into the mug. Freddie put the mug down and took off his hoodie. His shirt was ripped on the back and stained with blood. I took off the shirt and there were wounds on his back. "What happened?" I asked. "Sam whipped me with her belt," Freddie said as he chocked back tears. I went to go get a first aid kit. I put some bandages on the wounds. "…Why?" I asked, not really caring about the reason. No one deserves to be put through this.

"We went out tonight. Sam and I. We wanted to make up for what happened at my mom's…Do you remember Jenna?" Freddie asked, glancing at me. I nodded. She was a really good friend of Freddie's in seventh grade. "She came up to us and she started talking to me. I got really caught up with chatting with her and she hugged me before she left," Freddie said, drinking his hot chocolate. He then shuddered, "She got so angry. She went crazy. She started yelling about how I was cheating on her. She dragged me back to the backroom of the place and she took off her belt. I tried to get away, but she was too fast. She whipped me. I don't know how many times." He winced, his muscles flexing and tightening and he started to shake more. I felt tears on my cheeks. Freddie didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve to be hurt like this. "We have to call the police," I said, grabbing the phone. "No!" He had yelled, grabbing the phone and throwing it to the floor. "I'm not going to get her in trouble," He told me. I groaned in irritation before I said, "Well, you have to break up with her." He shook his head like a spoiled child. 

I then raised my voice, "Look at yourself! Look at what she has done to you and what she will continue to do. Leave her." Freddie was about to respond when he stopped himself. He looked down at his arms and saw various bruises. He then looked at the bandages on his back. He said, so quiet, "I'm being abused…" It was like he needed to tell that to himself. He looked up at me. He looked like a weight had been taken off his shoulders. He smiled slightly and kissed my forehead, "Thank you."So now, he's sleeping on my couch. I'm about to go to sleep. I'm so happy now. He's going to leave Sam. He's going to be happy. Sam is going to quit hurting him. Everything will go back to normal. I hope 

Love, Miss Carly Shay 

Dear Diary, November 14, 2009 

So, Freddie told Sam the news. Instead of flying off the handle, Sam got really sad. She begged Freddie not to do that. She wanted him to stay with her. She promised him that she would never go that far ever again. Freddie wanted to believe her. I wanted to believe her. So, Freddie did. He told her that he was giving her another chance. I hope that things will be better. Sam and Freddie skipped third period to go out to the park. I keep having this bad feeling. But I try to ignore it. If Sam does break her promise, Freddie won't be so eager to go back to her. He will break up with her for real and like I said before. Everything will go back to normal.

Love Miss Carly Shay

_I hope you guys liked it._


	31. Casting Doubt

_***Fans of Darkened Mind, please Read this***_

_First off I want to bring to light this movie and I am uber excited to go see. It's called Precious and it's based off this book that I can't wait to read. Just type "Precious movie trailer" into the search engine on youtube. I'm sorry but the site won't let me give you the full link to the trailer._

_I figure that if you like "A Darkened Mind" you would like "Precious" There are similar themes and I think that director has done a brilliant job so far with the lightening and the setting so even without the story itself, it's good. ^^_

**To My Reviewers:**

_**Link131**: Thanks for reviewing. I am in belief that behavior is learned, not inherited. You have to be taught to be racist or mean or whatever. Sam didn't just spring her abusive nature out of nowhere. It had an origin._

_**CreddieShipper**: I agree with you. People are half and half on this issue and only half of you will be satisfied. Will Freddie stay or leave? Who knows._

_**sockstar**: I agree. You get that bit of hope when you read Carly's diary, but then you realize that it didn't turn out the way she wanted._

_**discostick0shala**: Perhpas should have awards. that would be really cool. But my fanfic is not as good as a lot of fanfics up here. It's my first time and I'm sort of imtimidated. _

_**Roseheart**: Thanks again for your long review. Sorry that I don't have a longer response. I've pretty much responded to everything in your review in previous responses. Keep on reading._

_**CrystalRulesRBY**: I'm the same way. I have a lot on my plate. ^^ Tell me if my writing is slacking. I hope you keep reading._

**Chapter Thirty-One: Casting Doubt**

I don't know how I feel. Happy, angry, sad, I don't know. All I know is that I have to have more. My shaking hand reached over to the half empty bottle of wine on the nightstand and I begin drinking. This thing, this liquid, it has turned on me. I may not remember the night, but I remember many other nights in vivid detail. And I can lose the memory of simple things. It's getting to be a nuisance. But I can't stop. It's so tempting and I cannot break away.

I don't care.

Sam is curled up next to me. She is near naked. Her beautiful body is pressed up against mine and I want to make love to her right now. But Sam does not appreciate my alcoholic breath and the way I get a little clumsy when I am intoxicated. We've done it three times on our wedding night. It would have been four but we both couldn't keep up our strength. You know, it was silly. The first time we did it, I thought I did something wrong. I saw her cry and I thought that I hurt her. But then, she wanted more. And I was willing to give her what she deserved. We spent the next two days in bed with each other. I'm not sure how I can truly explain this. I've never been good with words when it came to sex. It was finally a few days ago, when we resumed our daily lives. Sam got the cast off her arm. It's still a little stiff, so I'm extra tender with that part of her body. Speaking of arms…

I looked down to the tattoo on my own arm. It still stings a little when I touch it. The beautiful Edwardian Script is thin and black that makes the words that make my head turn. I wanted to die that moment. Yet know, I do not. For now it is official. I am Sam's. I was always hers; I just did not realize it. I can never leave her.

I glanced at the clock. It's almost midnight. I better go back to sleep. I laid down on the pillow and readjusted Sam to a more comfortable position. I closed my eyes and I fall asleep.

_I'm alone. All alone in a white room. I stand up and look around the room, searching for something of color. I walked through the room and find a white box. I opened it and a cloud of blackness came out of it and went towards me. I tried to run away, but it took hold of me. I started choking as the black cloud went into my lungs. It is then that the cloud disappears and I can breath again. The white room has changed. It's no longer a room. I'm outside. It's snowing. I shudder as I walk through the snow. I then come across something in the snow. It's red. Small drops of red in the snow. I follow the red trail and find a young man curled up in the fetal position. Red is on over his thin blue jacket. I look closer to see that the jacket was ripped and long red scratches are on his chest near his neck. I then take a better look at the young man, but I can't recognize him. It's then that I hear hurried footsteps. I back away as I saw a young woman run up. She's very thin and I would have missed her if it were not for her bright pink cap._

_She kneels down and pulls the young man into her lap as she shakes his shoulder, pleading with him to wake up. The young man's eyes fluttered open as he stared at her. She caressed his face before opening his jacket to reveal bruises all over his body. She put the jacket back on before taking out her cell phone. The young man reached out his hand to stop her, but she pushed it away. She closed the cell phone and held the young man close to her. She took off her white puffy vest and put it over him. She was wearing a bright pink sweater that was a little big on her. She stroked his hair as she started crying. I looked up to see flashing lights in the distance and everything fades to black once more. I then hear something._

"_Not guilty…"_

I then wake up. I looked over at the clock. It's four o'clock. I looked over to see Sam was still asleep. I got out of the bed, gently positioning Sam on the other side of the bed. I felt goosebumps on my skin as the air touched my naked body. I went over to the dresser and pulled out some clothes. I went over to the bathroom to take a shower. My head is killing me and some hot steam should help with that. I took my shower and went to dry off.

I walked back into the bedroom with my clothes on and I saw Sam in the bed. She was so beautiful…I sat down on the bed and stroked her hair. I then kissed her head as I watched her sleep. She seemed so innocent, so helpless. I knew she wasn't. I knew that she was strong, stronger than me. Some would say that she was cruel, that she was abusive. She's not. You should have seen her years ago. The summer I stayed with her during junior and senior year. I would have to say that's when she was the worst. Carly had me see the truth, but Sam got better. She restrained herself. For me. If she didn't love me, she wouldn't do that. No one could really get that.

I slowly take the covers off her and put my hand on her stomach. I wanted her to be pregnant. I wanted a child. She wanted to wait so I have to wait a few years. I was impatient. But I shouldn't be. It is the woman's choice to carry the child. The man has little choice, yet is held responsible for each action. Life is funny that way.

I then see Sam wake up. She looked at me and smiled, "Hey, you…" She sat up and kissed my nose. I smiled slightly and poked her forehead, "Sleep well?" Sam shook my head, "No…not really…I kind of drifted in and out. I had a bad dream." I moved closer to her, "Oh?" Sam sighed, "It's nothing…Just a dream, nothing more. I'll probably forget about it in the morning. Freddie, give me a massage. My shoulders are sore." I instantly obeyed her as I put my hands on her shoulders and massaged her. "Mmm, that feels nice," Sam commented. "I live to serve, my queen," I said, faithfully as I moved my fingers on her back.

A few hours past as we just sat in each other's presence. Sometimes we showed affection, sometimes we talked. There was that small window of time where Sam went to take her shower, but other than that we didn't leave each other's side. It was around ten o'clock that we got a phone call. Sam went to answer it while I went to cook breakfast. I frowned slightly when I noticed that there wasn't anything to cook breakfast with. No eggs, no bacon, no sausage, no pancake mix, no steak, nothing that Sam liked. I went into the cabinet and got out some cereal. I heard Sam from the bedroom. "Freddie! Spencer invited us to go on a double date with him and Angela at this restaurant. Do you want to go?" I asked, "When is it?" There was a pause before Sam yelled, "Seven o'clock tonight." I yelled back, "Sure." A few minutes later, Sam went to sit down at the table. I set the bowl of cereal in front of her.

Sam looked at it questionably before glancing up at me, "Why is my breakfast not meaty, flavorful, and in my mouth?" I sat down at the table, watching her warily before saying, "There is nothing to eat in the refrigerator. It is either this or nothing." Sam stared down at her bowl before commenting, "If you didn't eat so much, we could have lasted until the end of the week." The spoon was right at my lips when she said that. It hurts when she makes comments like that. It always did hurt. I paused slightly before putting the spoon into my mouth. I begin to feel self-conscious of each bite I take and I don't want to feel this way. It is a sinking feeling in my stomach whenever the one person whose opinion I care about verbally puts me down.

Insecurity is something I faced ever since I was a child. I got teased and picked on during elementary school. My mother's iron grip over me and my constant isolation prevented me from picking up a lot of social skills. There are days that I went to school and I never spoke. I would just bury myself in a book, reading at a fourth grade level while I was beginning first grade. Teachers started to ask my mother to send me to counseling, but she refused to let me go. I met Sam at the sandbox when I was five, but I never had any real contact with her until I was nine and she started hanging out with Carly. I had no friends outside of them. I had the occasional male friend here and there. Their faces and names blurred so I can't tell you anything about them. They only lasted for a few weeks. I wasn't a sporty boy. The closest thing I got to sports was fencing. When I hit middle school, I wasn't picked on as much. Sam was my constant tormentor. She exploited each and every flaw, amusing herself. The only thing she kept away from was any comments about my father. Her father had left too, so she knew what a touchy subject it was. That's the only way I knew that we really were friends. I got into Shakespeare when I was in ninth grade. We were reading Romeo and Juliet and I was the only one who understood what they were talking about. It just took a little thought when you were reading it. It was actually pretty straightforward. My teacher told me about other plays that William Shakespeare wrote. I bought a whole book of his plays and sonnets. I had that book throughout sixth grade. By the end, I had finished it. I read an act every night from then until high school. I got so busy with iCarly and then Sam came along. But I'm getting off track....

I didn't finish my meal. I threw it away and went to clean the dishes. Sam said that she was going out to buy groceries. She asked if I wanted her to pick up some fast food for lunch. I told her that I didn't want anything. She had smirked slightly before leaving the apartment. I sat down in the living room and laid down on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. I wanted something to drink, but I didn't get it. I was too lazy. I wanted to go to sleep. But I didn't. It's then that I heard the door opened. Sam can't be back this soon…

It wasn't Sam. Vivian walked through the door. She looked around and saw me, "Freddie? Where have you been?" She sat down at the chair across from the couch and looked at me, "I've tried calling you. I come in here a few times a week, but I can't find anybody…I was so wor-" She cut herself off before looking away and saying, stiffly, "You're late on the rent…" I sat up and smiled slightly, "Sorry about that. My girlfriend and I went off on our honeymoon for the past few weeks." It was a lie. A big fat lie. But I could pull it off. She looked at me for a long time but she shrugged, "Fine, then. Whatever you say, Freddie." I pulled out a checkbook from the end table and wrote her a check for the rent. "Freddie, what's that on your arm?" Vivian asked. I glanced down at my arm and a bit of lettering from the tattoo was showing even though I was wearing a long sleeved shirt. "Nothing," I said, pulling the sleeve down. Vivian glanced at me before standing up. She went over to me and sat down next to me. You know, the more I see her, the more I want to know about her. I want to explore her mind. I want to see what makes her laugh, what makes her cry, what makes her angry. I want to see where she gets the strength to do what she does. I don't know why I want to know.

I notice how beautiful she is as well. I see the charm in her eyes. Her small beautiful brown eyes that widen up when she is laughing. There's always a twinkle in her eyes. Her hair is always silky and glossy. She never wears make-up, but she doesn't need it. She's natural. She's not girly or tomboy. She's a really good median. She always smells of sugar. I love the sweet smell on her body. I just want to inhale it, but I won't. I can control myself.

Vivian takes my hand and, surprisingly, I don't pull it away. She puts her finger on my wedding band and said, "Marriage is equality, you know that right?" I nodded slightly, "Of course…" Vivian commented, "Marriage is a partnership between man and woman. They both have the same respect for each other. Their love is equal, their respect is equal, their anger is equal." I looked up at her. The anger must be equal? Vivian said, "Fights occur in all couples. Tony and I had an argument every day like all married couples. Little arguments. Anger brings passion. Passion brings love. Yet, people find a way to exploit that." I then noticed that she had pulled my sleeve up to reveal each letter of the tattoo.

"…" Vivian didn't say anything. She just asked, "Does your wife have one that says "Property of Fredward Jasper Benson"?" I shook my head. I just wondered how she knew my middle name. I also could not imagine letting Sam do that to her body. Maybe my name, but not saying something like that. After all, people aren't property.

"Love that lasts forever doesn't cause pain, Freddie," Vivian said, snapping me out of my thoughts. She then started to dig her nails into my hand, "Unless you're a masochist that is. Are you, Freddie? Do you like being in pain? Do you enjoy it when she hurts you?" I pulled away from her, embarrassed by her claims, "I have no idea what you're talking about." Vivian stared at me, like she knew that I was lying to her. She said, "I called her one day and a woman answered. Now do tell me something, Freddie, if you and your wife were away for the past three weeks like you said then who was she?" I shifted a little before I got off the couch and went towards the kitchen. I needed a drink. Vivian stood up and followed me, "Where were you during that time, Freddie?" I didn't answer. I went for the cabinet where I store my drinks. She grabbed me and spun me around, "**_ANSWER ME_**!" That's the first time I ever heard her scream like that. I was suddenly full of fear. My heart races. I immediately back up against the counter. Her eyes softened and said, "I'm sorry for yelling…I just thought that you would respond to that. It's what you're used to, right?"

I didn't want to look at her. I just wanted her to know and I wanted it to be over with. "Where were you?" She said, with patience in her voice. I bit my lower lip. I wanted to tell her. But Sam would find out. Sam would get angry. Sam might make me stay in the closet again. Darkness, silence, I can't take that ever again. I took Vivian's hand and took her to the bedroom. I opened the closet door and picked up the straps of tape that was left in there. She watched me for a while before asking, "Three weeks?" I said, "She let me out twice a day for a little while." She looked at me and asked, "Do I need to ask why?" I stopped her right then, "No, let me ask you something. Why do you care?" Vivian pointed out, "Because I'm your friend, Freddie and I don't want my friends to be hurt." I sat down on the bed, "Sam loves me. I'm not going to leave her." Vivian stared at me and said, "That's the biggest bunch of bullshit that I have ever heard in my whole life. Do you think that if she loved you than she would hurt you, own you, control you? Here's a newsflash, Freddie, normal relationships aren't like that. Do you know how they end? It keeps escalating and before you know it, she's going to end up killing you one day."

I stared at her before saying, "You stand there and you judge me on how you think my life works. I love Sam. She makes me happy. You have no right to-" I was cut off when she grabbed me again. She grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled it off. She threw the shirt to the floor and grabbed my wrist and pulled me to the bathroom. She pulled out the shower door to reveal the full-length mirror and yelled, "Look at yourself! Look at what that bitch has done to you!" I looked into the mirror at my back. There were scars all over my body. Scars from the knife and salt punishment, scars from the belt, scars from recent bruises covered my body like a painting. I instantly looked away before walking back to the bedroom. She grabbed me again, "Freddie, do you not care? Are you so selfish that you are willing to risk your life for your own happiness?"

The way she put it, I felt bad. I felt…yucky. "Leave her, Freddie," Vivian said, softly. "…I'll think about it," I said, wanting to make her go away. I went into the bedroom and grabbed my shirt. I put it on and I felt her come into the room. "I don't believe you." I glanced over at her and saw the concern on her face, "Please, leave." Vivian asked, ignoring my request, "Why don't you leave her?" I sighed in irritation, "Where would I go? Besides my mom's in Las Vegas, I have no where to go." Vivian asked, "What about one of those shelters for-" I finished her sentence, "Abused women?" She paused slightly before saying, "I'm sure they would take you anyway." I snickered slightly at that as I remembered when I thought the same thing a year ago, "Yeah, yeah. I'm sure they would love to." Vivian asked, "Well, you can figure something out." I said, indicating that I didn't want to talk anymore, "Leave."

Vivian sighed before she walked over to me. She wrapped her arms around me before she left. I watched her go and I went into the kitchen. I got out some wine and poured myself a glass. The red liquid poured into the glass and it settled in the glass. I stared at it awhile, cherishing the idea of simply drinking this beautiful liquid. I wanted to drink until I pass out and if I'm lucky I'll forget about Vivian and what she said. It's nagging at me. Because I think...no I don't, but I do. I think she's right.

It was early afternoon now. It's then that I heard the door open. Sam came into the apartment with some bags of groceries. She also had a box from Best Buy. I wondered what it was for, but I didn't ask questions. I just drank my glass of wine, needing the alcohol to numb me. I didn't want to think of what Vivian said would happen. I enjoyed being in this world. A world of just Sam and me, where it can only be shattered when she would hit me. Sam went to put the groceries away. I just watched her. "You're drinking a little earlier than usual, Freddie," Sam commented. "What are you going to do about it?" I asked, sourly. I wasn't even aware of what I said. I was about to take back what I said when she grabbed a bag of oranges and hit me with it. I cried out as I was knocked against the wall. She then resumed putting the groceries away. I took my wine bottle and glass and went into the living room. I then drank my second glass. The pain from the hit slowly went away. That's the beauty of being hit with oranges. They don't hurt as much as a regular hit and they don't form bruises. I'm sure that's the only reason she used them instead of that heavy looking bottle of soda she had in her otherh and. I set the alcohol on the end table and laid down on the couch. Sam walked into the living room and looked around, "…This place is a pig-sty. Why haven't you clean it yet?"

I glanced up at her. I didn't want to clean. I just sat down. "I'll do it later, Sam." I went to reach for my wine bottle, but she snatched it away from me, "Have you even shaved today?" I felt my face and the soft prickles of my five o'clock shadow. "I guess not," I said, simply. I didn't want to get in an argument with her. I wasn't in the mood for it. "…Freddie, are you listening to me?" Sam asked. I glanced at her, "I'm listening." Sam said, frustration in your voice, "For God sake, I have no idea what has gotten into you. You're getting so lazy. You're not doing anything anymore." I said, sighing, "I'm sorry. Maybe if you care so much about whether the apartment looks nice, maybe you should try cleaning it yourself." Sam glared at me, "What? You think that because I'm your wife now that I'm your maid, too." I sighed, "I never said that, Sam." She said, angrily, "You are so damn lucky that we're going out tonight or I would break every single bone in your body." I started to shake slightly. That was a very real threat to me. I knew that if she wanted to, she could do that. I needed my wine. So I won't be scared anymore. I reached for the bottle in her hand. "You want it?" Sam asked, backing away from me, "You're going to have to earn it, honey."

I stared at the wine, needing it, "What do I have to do?' Sam took the wine bottle and put it in the cabinet before taking out a padlock from a drawer and locking the cabinet. She glanced at me, "Lose a few pounds." I glared at her, offended, "Oh please, it's not that noticeable." She persisted, "Lose a few so I don't have to waste money on new clothes for you." I groaned, "Fine." I closed my eyes as I laid down on the couch. "And get your ass of the couch and clean up the apartment, loser!" Sam yelled, throwing a plate against the wall.

_Ah, some tension building up. What fun. Sorry for such a long wait. Juggling is very difficult for moi. ^^ I can't wait to read your reviews and I am really considering turning this into a book. Maybe even a movie. But like I said, if you guys will be the first to know if anything serious does happen._


	32. Looking in The Window

_So I've decided that every Saturday, I will update. That way I can even out school, my play, and writing this. So....go team go!_

**To My Reviewers:**

_**Roseheart**: Well, I'll just start with a book first. Then I'll see about a movie. I'm not sure about letting someone else handle my work. I don't want it to turn out way different from the book. People like Freddie, people in a depressed state of mind, are more likely to become addicted to something like that. He's searching for comfort and protection and he seeks it in an easy to get manner. i.e. Alcohol. As for Vivian, I'm not sure what you mean by decieving, because that was not my intention to show that. And you must remember, little kitty, this is only the thirty-second chapter. It's only a third of the way done. Thanks for reviewing._

_**sockstar**: I can see how you would think that. Freddie's anger with her is not at the level of really hurting her like that. Especially since he is terrified of what she would do to him if he did something like that._

_**Amy Vimy**: Sam does need help and there is hope for their relationship. However, medicine and therapy can only do so much. Especially to what she's been exposed to during her childhood and how she's developed her control over Freddie. There is attraction between Vivian and Freddie, but whether it is more than just interest is something that you will have to figure out for yourself. Thanks for reviewing._

_**Alex S**.: Happy ending? Perhaps. It's all on your definition of a happy ending. Thanks for your support. ^^_

_**discostick0shalala**: If Sam would change, Melanie's only going to be a bit player. They are polar opposites so their views on the entire situation is different. Vivian and Carly have some similarities which is why Sam and Freddie are so drawned to her. They never really got over Carly's death, so Vivian is their way of keeping Carly alive in their minds._

_**Hello!!!:** When you combine Sam's personality with her mother's behavior, that's what you get. Everything is a chain reaction. What you do effects someone which in turn effects someone else. It is sad that Sam and Freddie can't see her behavior. They are so wrapped up in their own relationship that they barely notice the world around them. Yeah, I noticed the typo and don't worry, I'll fix it. As for the flashback. I figured that one a chapter is enough unless I'm doing a really long one. Keep reading._

**Chapter Thirty-Two: Looking in The Window**

Socko has been our on couch for the past few days and Angela is irritated with the uninvited houseguest. She wasn't sympathetic to his story about being kicked out. If you asked me, she was only annoyed by the fact that she can't be naked outside the bathroom. She'll get over it.

Angela was setting the table for breakfast, which consistent of unidentifiable burnt food. I sat down at the table with Socko at my left side. Angela sat on my right side and started eating. It was a Saturday, so we were at leisure to do what we wanted. Socko was pretty awkward at the table because of Angela's apparent annoyance with him. "Elbows…" She said, glaring at Socko. He sat up straight and got his elbows off the table. I snickered softly. "You too," Angela said, glaring at me. I sighed as I sat up. Socko said, after a few minutes, "So, Angela, I was thinking that I would stay here a few months until-" She looked at him in surprise, "Months?" Socko nodded, "Well, yeah. That way if Texas takes me back, I wouldn't have wasted money on an apartment." Angela narrowed her eyes as she glanced at me. I said, quickly, "Well, Socko-" He held his hand up, "Listen, I'll put in my far share on groceries and the rent. You won't even know I'm here."

Angela rolled her eyes as she ate the meal. Socko finished his meal and stood up, "I'm going over to work. I'll see you guys later." He left the apartment without another word. "I don't want him here," Angela said, simply. "I'm sorry, Angela. He has nowhere else to go and I would be a crappy friend if I wouldn't let him stay here," I told her. Angela groaned as she went to clean up the dishes. "…Would it make you feel better if I took you to Helen's Villa for a nice dinner?" I asked. Angela glanced over at me, "Perhaps…Why don't you ask Freddie and Sam to come with us? It'll be nice to have a little double date with the newlyweds."

I stood up and went over to the phone, "That's a great idea." I picked up the phone and called Sam's. Angela finished cleaning the dishes and went into her painting room. I asked Sam if she and Freddie would want to go out with Angela and I. She said yes and we would meet them at Helen's Villa at seven o'clock tonight.

I hung up and went into Angela's painting room. She was painting in the corner of the room on her easel. I walked over to her to see what she was painting. She glanced up at me, "Shoo. Go away. It's not done yet." I tried to look at the painting, "Come on, let me see it." Angela flicked some flesh colored paint at me, "Go away, silly boy." I laughed as I rolled my eyes, "Fine, fine, I will go sculpt." I left her to my corner of the room where a large slab of marble stood. Usually, I don't go for the original marble sculptures of naked people, but I figured that I would try something new. I picked up my tools and started working.

A few years ago, before Carly die, before I met Angela, I had an opportunity to go on a sixth month tour with this famous artist. I left for the tour during November of 2011. I went on it since Carly was seventeen and I thought she could take care of herself. I was unaware to how much damage was going on. I left the tour in April when Freddie called me about Carly's problem. I rushed back to Seattle as fast as I could get a plane ticket. The doctor explained to me about her problem. I had no idea that she was anorexic. I knew that she was getting thin and she wasn't as focused as before, but she told me that she was okay. I should have pressed her, I should have found out what was wrong. I wanted to tell Dad about what happened, but he was hundreds of miles under water and he would not return to surface until June. He had to know and I couldn't tell him. I couldn't handle this on my own.

A few weeks later, the doctors said that she was all right and could come home as long as she went to therapy and her eating was monitored. It's stupid…I just couldn't think that Carly would lie to me so much. She would say that she ate at Freddie's or she went out with Sam for dinner. I thought she wanted to get better. I should have seen what was going on. But I was too blind.

The hours slowly passed by in a daze. It was then that I heard Angela walk across the canvas. I turned around and saw her behind me. She wrapped her arms around my waist and pressed her head on my shoulder. I smirked slightly and asked, "And what did I do to deserve this burst of affection?" Angela kissed my shoulder before saying, "For being a good friend and dealing with an insensitive wife." I smiled at her and said, "Don't worry about it, baby." Angela pulled away from me and she took my hands, "This wasn't what I had in mind for the first months of our marriage, but sometimes things don't turn out the way we want them."

I sighed before looking to the window, "Yeah…" I went over to the window and looked out it, "…Angela, what if I wanted to leave Seattle? Would you come with me?" Angela followed me and said, faithfully, "Of course, Spencer." I said, "After a few years, when my conscience is clear, I want to move to California, maybe Europe. I want to be an artist in some modern mansion with you and a couple of kids. A dog and goldfish, too." Angela smiled softly, "I like that idea. Maybe it will happen sooner than you think…" She winked, looking like she was suggesting something. I just blinked in my ignorance before shrugging, "Okay…" She sighed before she went back to her painting. I went back to sculpting, envisioning the beauty in the marble. I was working on the face when Angela left the room.

I began thinking about Carly again. I felt for the longest time that I didn't know her. Especially when I found her with that boyfriend of hers one day. I caught them together and I went ballistic. Carly said that they weren't doing anything bad, but I'm not an idiot. I yelled at her and I kicked his ass. Carly didn't speak to me for a week. I wondered what happened to her. How did she turn from this happy little girl to this sick, withdrawn woman? It was only when Carly was in the hospital for the second time, that I finally accepted her boyfriend. I never have seen someone cry as much as he did.

Jonah loved her. He held her hand and never left her side. I would leave the hospital to go home and sleep. The next day, he would still be there. The only time when he left is when Sam and Freddie wanted to see Carly. He said that he respected their needs to see Carly. He knew that they wouldn't be in the same room as him. I used to think Jonah was a bad kid, but he grew up from the boy I knew in 2008. Carly wouldn't be with him if he was still the despicable and arrogant playboy he was. He said that he blamed himself for what happened. I never saw him again after Carly's funeral.

Carly started acting weird during the start of her sophmore year. I didn't really notice it because she was slipping down the slope. I wish I knew….

"Spencer, let's get ready," I heard Angela say. I nodded and went to go change into something decent. She changed into a pretty pink casual dress. It was around six fifteen. We wanted to get there early so we could catch a nice booth. We left and went to the restaurant. It's a nice little restaurant, a mix between old style and modern style. We sat down at the booth and ordered our drinks, waiting for Freddie and Sam. It was seven o'clock, and they weren't there. It was ten minutes later when I saw them walk through the door.

They looked like they wanted to kill each other.

Freddie and Sam slipped into the booth, slowly. "Sorry we're late," Freddie said, shortly, "But Madonna here took forever with her make up." Sam glared at him and retorted, "Yeah, well, we would have shaved a few minutes but Freddie spent ten minutes trying to get a cab that suited him." Freddie rolled his eyes. Angela glanced at me, questionably, but I shrugged, "Well, we're just glad you came."

The waiter came by, "Hello, what would you like to drink this evening?" Sam said, "I'll like Sprite, please." Freddie glanced at Sam before asking the waiter, "Do you have White Zinfandel?" The waiter nodded and left the table. Sam muttered, "And it begins…" Freddie glared at her, "What?…I can't have a drink with dinner?" Sam hissed, "So dinner began at two o'clock did it?" Freddie was about to snap back when he stopped himself. He just stayed quiet and looked at the menu. "So how have you guys been?" I asked, hesitantly. "Great," Sam and Freddie said at the same time.

"…" There was an awkward pause before Sam broke the silence, "So, Angela, what is it that you do?" Angela said, "Well, I'm a painter, but my official job is working at the Women's Abuse Hotline in Seattle." Freddie glanced up at her for a second before asking, "…What is that exactly?" Angela said, "Well, someone calls the hotline, usually to talk about the abuse. Sometimes all they need is someone to tell. Sometimes they need that someone to tell them to leave. It's anonymous, so I never know who I'm talking to." Freddie looked at her awhile before looking back down to the menu.

"So…" I said before finally asking, "What brought on the quickie marriage?" Sam smiled slightly, "Well, we just couldn't wait and it didn't really matter to us if we had a all out wedding." The waiter came back with the drinks and we ordered our food. Freddie drank his wine while we drunk our sodas. I suddenly felt bad. I mean, what if Socko and I got him in over his head with the drinking. But Freddie's a smart kid, he would know better than to get himself addicted to something that he couldn't control. I knew a lot about addiction. It takes many forms. And for me, it took the form of that silly Pack Rat game. Everything starts to lose meaning as you slip into a dream world where only that matters.

"So, Angela, how did you and Spencer meet?" Sam asked, starting the conversation. Angela smiled slightly and said, "Well, I was at this art gallery. We were looking at the same painting. We had different views of the painting. Spencer thought that it represented beauty and I thought it represented life. He ended up getting my number at the end of the argument. He's so suave…" She looked at me and giggled. I smirked self-consciously, "I'm not that suave…" Angela smiled some more as she looked out at the window.

"What about you, Sam? How did you meet Freddie?" Angela asked. Sam smiled as she looked at Freddie, "We met when we were five so we pretty much knew each other for life." Freddie was sipping his wine, looking as despondent as he could be. His eyes were glazed over in thought. Sam glared at him for not adding on to her story. She looked at us apologetically, "I'm sorry…" Freddie finished his wine and commented, as if only a few seconds past from Sam's story, "Sam kicked sand in my face after I asked her to play with me. So even back then, she was a violent little angel." Angela raised her eyebrow and looked over at me. I looked back at her and smiled slightly, "Sam was a bit of a tomboy when she was younger." Sam said, proudly, "I was knocking out grown men when I was eight."

Freddie stared at his empty wine glass for a minute before he smirked, "Sam, do you remember when you kicked that girl's ass at the Groovy Smoothie?" Sam laughed, "Jocelyn. Yeah, I remember her. That was a good fight." Freddie then snapped at the waiter passing by, "Hey, what's a guy got to do to get a damn refill around here?" The waiter apologized before taking his glass and leaving. Freddie then smiled as he looked back at me and Angela, "I bet Sam could take anybody."

I was shocked at his switch in emotion. It was unsettling; it felt like his emotions were fake. Like his happiness was just a cover. I don't understand what's going on with him. I'm not sure that he did either.

The waiter came back with the glass of wine a few minutes later. Delighted, Freddie drunk his wine. "…" Sam stared at him a little before poking him on his shoulder, "Freddie…don't you think you've had enough?" Freddie said, in a singsong like manner, "No, Mrs. Benson. I am quite sober as you can see. If I was drunk, could I do this?" He stuck out his tongue and tried to touch his nose with it. Sam was staring at the window, her cheeks flushing in embarrassment, both for herself and Freddie.

Angela looked at me questionably as I shrugged. I didn't know what to tell her. Freddie finished his wine and glanced at me, "...You know, I can tell that you really, really love Angela…" I asked, casually, "Really?" Freddie nodded, "Yep, you loved her sooooooooooooooo much that you were perfectly fine with stealing her from another man." I recoiled slightly at that sentence. Freddie had no right to say that. He didn't know what happened between Angela and me. Angela was blushing with embarrassment and just stared at the window. "Let me ask you something," Freddie slurred, "Did you know about the husband before or after you screwed her?" Sam glared at Freddie, "What has gotten into you?" Freddie just waved his hand, carelessly, "No, honey, it's okay. We're all human here. We all have secrets. If it makes you feel better, Spencer, things aren't milk and honey with us either." Sam glared at him viciously as she grabbed his wrist, "Say another word and you **_will_** be sorry."

Angela said, trying to ease the tension, "Sam, don't worry about it. I don't care-" I whispered, "Stay out of it, stay out of it." I knew better than to get involved with other people's relationships. It was no fun when they got you involved in their fight.

It was then that Freddie began singing some Michael Jackson song. Irritated, Sam pushed him out of the booth, "We're leaving." Freddie fell out from the booth and on the floor. He glanced up at her and smirked, "What? You can't do anything to me now. What would they think?" Sam smirked back as she got out of the booth, "Maybe so, but wait until I get you home." Freddie's smile fell as something came together in his head, "I did not think of that…" Sam rolled her eyes, "Surprise, surprise." She pulled him up and glanced at us, "Sorry." She dragged him out of the restaurant. Freddie was yelling, "Let me go! Let me go!"

"Not one of my better ideas," I said, sighing in humiliation. Angela bit her lower lip, "…Are they going to be okay?" I glanced at her, "I don't know. It might be the cons of marrying so sudden." Angela asked, "Did you notice that Freddie was wearing make up?" I raised an eyebrow, "No, I didn't. How did you know?" Angela said, "Because it contrasts with his natural skin tone. He didn't put it on to make himself look better. He put it on to cover something…" I asked, confused, "Cover what?" Angela shrugged, "I don't know…Maybe the drunk got into a fight." She sipped her drink. "Hey, he's still my friend," I said, defending him, "Don't call him a drunk." Angela rolled his eyes, "You weren't sitting across from him." I said, "Fine. I'll talk to Sam at work on Monday. Don't worry about it. The two will be okay."

But I couldn't hope but get this feeling. This feeling that something was going to happened. I just thought that I was paranoid.

_Ze cat is on ze chair…Pass it on._


	33. Ecstasy Of Love

_I saw iSpeedate…And that physically pained me. My heart twisted. I felt like I was watching my own man dancing like that with another woman. I wrote down this paragraph, shut down my computer, and went to do Algebra because that's how much in pain I was in!!!!!!!! Anyway, I am better now. I am fine with it now. I'm trying to think positive._

_BTW, check out Link131's fics. They are uber good. ^^_

_Yes, I am aware that it is not Saturday. I just couldn't wait. ^^_

_**To My Reviewers**:_

_**Sockstar**: Of course Angela has been trained to see the signs of people of abuse, but the mere fact that Freddie's a man is what's making her unsure about what's going on._

_**White Firebird: **Thanks for your review. As for your questions..They shall be answered. ^^_

_**Link131**: Thanks for reading. ^^ I'll make sure that the movie mimics the book, with only a few changes. Unlike the Harry Potter movies, mine will have every single detail and it will not disapoint anyone._

_**TitaniumPenwrite: **Thanks for reading. I know that it's a hard job to take a comedy and turn into an angst fic like this. I'm glad that I'm doing a good job. I try to make it a bit funny, since it is iCarly after all. I'll try to make it funnier. I don't like stories that are dreary all the time, so I understand where you are coming from._

_**Hello!!**: Freddie would have told them if Sam didn't stop him. Even though his last drink was from a few hours ago, a bit of alcohol still remained in his system. It's a bit unrealistic, but Freddie gets drunk easily. Thanks for catching that._

_**Alex S.: **I always felt that Spencer and Freddie had a special "big brother little brother" bond and I think it should last._

_**Roseheart: **So many comments. I don't think I can answer them all. XD How should I condense this down?....Thanks for reading, yes you silly kitty you will be dead, any questions you have I can't answer right now (writer's surprise and all that), and thanks for your reviews. If you could add some critiques, then that will be all I ask of you._

**Chapter Thirty-Three: ****Ecstasy Of Love**

The weather was raging like my emotions. Thunder and lightening burst through the air. There was a high chance that we would lose power. I slammed the door shut and delievered a harsh and well deserved slap to Freddie. It knocked him into the endtable, which in turn knocked over a vase. That just pissed me off even more. "Do you like embarrasing me, you stupid idiot?!" Freddie didn't answer me. He just sat up from the floor and stared up at me. "…Get on your hands and knees, you drunk…" I said, strictly, as I went into the kitchen to get my necessary tools. Freddie took off his shirt in a shakey manner and got on his hands and knees. I got the knife and the salt shaker. I went over to Freddie and saw him. He was submissive. I was pleased. I remember when I got the inspiration for this form of punishment.

_It was a cool winter evening. The year was 2014. It was only sixteen months after Carly's death. It was early Febuary. Freddie's birthday was coming up. He was going to turn twenty. I was preparing a birthday cake for him. Usually, I didn't cook, but I wanted to make his birthday special. I was putting the icing on the cake. It was lucious chocolate icing. Freddie walked into the kitchen. He was sporting a pale black eye, but that was from last week. I never hurt him during the week of his birthday. I was kind to him. I restrained my feelings and my urges. Freddie smiled at me as he wrapped his arms around me, "You are a delight." I smiled slightly, "Freddie…Not while I'm cooking…." Freddie started kissing my neck, "Forget about it. You're the only sweet thing I want right now." His lips tickled my neck. I was really ticklish, especially when it came to Freddie's lips and fingers. I laughed as I put down the knife I was using to spread the icing, "Fine, fine.." _

_I turned around as Freddie picked me up. He rubbed my nose against mine and asked, "So, what are we going to do tomorrow for my birthday?" I smirked slightly, "Well, you're turning twenty…You're a big boy now…I thought we'd…" I let my sentence be finished by my hand snaking up his shirt. My hand was pushed away by his own hand as his smile dropped, "Sam, there is nothing in the world I want to do more, but I can't…I told you this a million times." I pouted, "Please?" Freddie shook his head as he set me down on the table. I sighed as I stared at him, "Freddie, we've been together for so long…Five years…I want to hold you. I want you to hold me…" Freddie stared at me and smiled, "The best things in life are always worth waiting for." I sighed at that as I got off the table and went back to putting the icing on the cake. I wanted to make love with him. Was there something wrong with me? Was that the real reason he didn't want to take our relationship to the next level? _

_Freddie then started tickling me around the time that the clock turned to twelve. I wasn't in the mood, "Freddie stop." I said it, laughing slightly. He proceeded to tickle me some more. "Stop it," I said again. He laughed, thinking that it was funny. Freddie was stupid like that at times. It's not his fault. But it was something that needed to be corrected. He tickled me again. I felt angry. I took the knife in my hands and turned around, stabbing him in the shouder, "I said, 'Stop it'!" He cried out in pain as I pulled the knife out. Since it was a butter knife it didn't go in far. I think it was the icing that stung him as it got into his blood. He looked up at me and I looked at him. I felt such a thrill. I threw him some bandages from the drawer, "Happy Birthday, Freddie."_

So I came up with the knife and salt punishment and started using it when he really pissed me off.

I took the knife and started to slide it on his back, causing a cut. I was about to make a new one when Freddie started crying. I stopped as I realized he wasn't crying. He was laughing.

I had no idea what to do. I wasn't used to this. People don't laugh at me…No one's ever laughed at me after I hurt them. They cry, they bleed, they beg for mercy, they yell for their mothers. They do not laugh. I backed away, dropping the knife and salt shaker. Freddie looked at me with those drunk eyes. He smirked, "You're done…Good, I'm going to go to bed. Night, sugar." He stumbled into the bathroom and puked before going into the bedroom. I growled before following him into the bedroom. "Sexy!" I heard Freddie yell. He was standing on the bed, grinning at me. He was shirtless and he was in the process of removing his pants, "We should have started doing this sex stuff a long time ago." I rolled my eyes, "I don't want to have sex with you now. You're drunk." I went into the bathroom to put on my pajamas. "Ah, come on, beautiful," Freddie whined.

Didn't he understand? My vision is getting blurry already. If they turn red, then everything will be out of my control. He can't count on me being shocked when he laughs like before. He can't count on anything.

Freddie scratched at the door like he was a little lap dog, wanting to spend every single second with its master. I opened the door and glared at him, "Get out of my way, Fredward." He was about to say something when he pushed me out of the way and puked into the toilet again. "Jesus…" I muttered, getting a washcloth and wetting it in the sink. When he flushed the toilet and picked him up, wiping the vomit from the corners of his mouth. "You are so lucky that I love you," I muttered. I shook my head slightly, not being able to see properly. Freddie grinned as he went to kiss me. I pushed him away in disgust before standing up and going to the bedroom. "I love the way your hips swing," Freddie slurred as he followed me. My irration was growing with him. I started shaking. My vision was starting to go pale red.

Usually, I didn't mind it when Freddie drunk. As long as it was enough. If he drunk a lot, he was quite enjoyable. He was quiet, he was submissive, he always said the right thing. Sometimes he would crawl into the bed with a bottle of whiskey and drink it, slowly. He then cried out, begging for another bottle. I would give it to him. He was completely and totally under my control since I had the bottle. However, when he didn't drink a lot he was a pain in the ass. He was outgoing and foolishly brave. He wasn't the man I loved. I knew that I could use the alcohol to get him to do whatever I wanted. It worked almost as much as a whipping.

Freddie slowly got into the bed with me. The stench of alcohol was about to choke me. He wrapped his arms around me, "Mmmm, I was thinking that when you get pregnant, that we would move out of this apartment. Go buy a small house in Miami…" I growled, "I'm tired about hearing about Miami. You're not going." Freddie asked, like a five year old, "But why?" I snapped, "Because I said so. Now, get off me." My vision became more blurry. He said something. I can't remember what he said. But it made my vision go red.

I don't know how it happened. I don't know how much time has past. I'm on the couch in the living room, stroking his hair. I was humming something. A soft, senisitive lullaby. Freddie was crying. Not laughing, crying. I looked down to see a terrible looking black eye. Blood was dried around his nostrils. His neck had imprints of my hands on it. His chest had bruises all over it. I put my hand on his stomach, feeling a cracked rib. I tried to get it back into place, hoping that it wasn't broken. The smell of alcohol wasn't as strong as before. It was a faint tingling on the nose. I glanced at the clock. It was one in the morning. How in the world did I lose track of four hours? What happened?

Freddie looked up at me, those tender chocolate brown eyes were glazed over in tears. His eyes were no longer in a state of drunkiness. His eyes were gorgeous, soft and angelic. The eyes I fell in love with. I wiped away the tears. His eyes followed my hands as he tensed up. I think that he thinks I'm going to hurt him more. "Are you okay?" I asked, finally. Freddie looked up at me and nodded, slowly. His stomach growled, making me smile, "Hungry?" Freddie shook his head. "…Answer me," I said, sternly. I didn't like it when he just shook or nod his head. It irritated me. "…I'm not hungry," Freddie said. His voice was raspy and it looked like it hurt him to speak. "Are you sure? I can fix you a late dinner," I said, kissing his forehead. Freddie shook his head again, "No I'm fine…"

I sighed as I glanced at his back. Fresh bruises. I really did a number on him. "Sam, I'm sorry," Freddie whispered. "For what?" I asked. "Embaressing you at dinner," Freddie whispered, "I'm sorry that I couldn't control myself." I sighed softly, "Well did you learn your lesson?" Freddie nodded, "Yes, my love…" I set him up so he was sitting on the couch, "I want to give you something." He looked at me, curiously, "What is it?" I smiled as I got off the couch and went to get the laptop I bought him today. I knew that I shouldn't give it to him now. But what can I say? I spoil him.

"Here you go," I said, happily, as I set the laptop box in his lap, "It's supposed to be the best laptop on the market." Freddie stared at it for awhile. I said, sighing, "I want things to be better between us. I don't want to hurt you so much. I don't want to feel rage towards you. I love you, Freddie. Think of this as a new starting point." Freddie looked at me and then at the laptop. He then did something that made me gasp in surprise. He took the laptop out of the box and threw it at the wall. There was a loud crash as the laptop smash into the endtalbe. "Do you think that buying me a laptop makes what you do okay?" Freddie asked me. His voice had grown stronger, losing its former weak and raspy sound. I was stunned, "I told you Freddie. I'm sorry." Freddie said, "Well, how about this? Don't do it! You're not sorry. If you were sorry you wouldn't do it." I felt anger rising in me, "I told you. I can't control what I do." Freddie asked, "You lost control for three weeks when you kept me locked up in a closet? Did you lose control when you poured boiling water on me? You didn't! You like hurting me!" He then stormed into the bedroom. "Where are you going?" I yelled.

A few minutes later, he came back with a half empty duffel bag, "I think it'll be best if we spent some time apart." I was shocked, "What?…What the hell did you just say?!" Freddie said, looking scared at first before his face resumed its former courage, "If you want this marriage to work, we can't go on like this." I glared at him, "What are you talking about? We're doing fine." Freddie snapped, "You beat me, Sam. You hurt me. Every day of my life is spent in agony and pain. I want to be with you, Sam. I really do, but I can't keep living like this anymore. I need to leave for awhile, because if I stay here any longer…I don't think I could love you anymore." The words shocked me.

Rejection…

"You don't love me?" I whispered. "No, Sam, I do love you. But there are times like these…Times when you lose control and beat me…When you throw me to the floor, when you kick me, scream insults…For hours on end…When I start to realize what's going around me….I begin thinking about love and life…I love you, but it's during these times when I don't think you love me…" Freddie said, going towards the door. He then stared at the door handle, knowing he can't get out without a key. "I do so love you," I said, sharply, "If I didn't love you so much then why the hell did I buy a three thousand dollar laptop for you?" Freddie rolled his eyes, "I need peace, not a new laptop."

I felt like my whole world was crashing down. Freddie couldn't leave me. I love him. He's everything to me. If he left, I don't know what I would do. He can't leave…Don't you understand? You can't leave!

"If I don't love you, then why the hell would I put up with you when you get drunk?" I demanded. Freddie snapped, "Maybe if you weren't such a bitch, then maybe I wouldn't drink as much." I yelled at him, "Don't you pin this all on me. If you did what you were told, I wouldn't have to hit you." I pulled out the key and opened the door, "You want to leave so bad? Then leave!" Freddie blinked slightly. Like he didn't think that he could actually get away. He stared at the open doorway for a moment. "GO!" I screamed, kicking him out of the apartment and slamming the door. I locked it as I felt tears go down my face. I screamed again, looking around for someone to hit.

But there was no one. I am alone.

I took a lamp and threw it at the wall, feeling a new level of rage. I screamed again as I punched the wall, yelling for Freddie. I walked down the hallway and tripped on something. I picked up the object. It was a phone. With a bloody fingerprint on the 9. I felt my stomach twist and turn in self anger. I threw the phone into the kitchen. I ran into the bedroom and jumped on the bed, burying my head into the pillow. I screamed in pain and in sadness. I wanted to talk to someone…I should call Carly…Wait, I can't…SHE'S DEAD!

Why does everything that I ever care about end up leaving me?

I continued sobbing, feeling sorry for myself. Freddie left me twice already…And it took so long to get him back those times. What if this time, it's the end? What is he does leave me and he never does come back? The thought made me cry even harder. I then finally composed myself. That would never happen. Freddie loves me. Freddie needs me. Just as much as I love and need him. He would come back…Besides, he can't survive in the outside world for too long. He only has so much money and he needs his laptop to work. He has no where to go. He would rather die than go back to his mother and Lewbert. He'll be back…Just you wait.

I got off the bed and walked over to the window. The sky was dark. The rain had stopped. The sky was still overcast. I smiled slightly. I have nothing to worry about. Freddie will come home. Tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, three days tops…He'll be back in my arms once more. Showering me with those tender kisses, those sweet nothings, the way he holds me. I would give anything in the world to have that back. He treated all his girlfriends perfectly, but I was special. He treated me with extra love and kindness.

Carly may have been his first love, but I was his true love. Carly didn't care about him. She didn't love him. She liked the attention. That was it. She loved the way that Freddie came on to her. She loved shooting him down. But she didn't see him write those love letters to her. How he would spend hours writing them, so his hand writing would be perfect. She didn't see those fourteen year old eyes swell up in tears when he overheard her laughing about them. I saw them. It was then that I laid off on Freddie. He was under too much torment to be hurt by me anymore.

Freddie started giving up on Carly by the middle of freshman year. Slowly and surely, his feelings for her disapeared along with his hope that she would ever love him the way that he loved her. His feelings would light up whenever Carly would hug him for that extra second or when he danced with her, but they would soon disapear when he realized that it was all that it would ever be. A friendship. I had a small crush on him ever since I shared my first kiss with him. And it started growing. I never noticed how large it was until I saw him dance with Carly at the Groovy Smoothie. I went home and cried. I didn't know why I was crying until I finally figured it out. Then in the summer, we started hanging out a lot. Everyday was spent in summer happiness. We did all those overdone summer activities. We even flew a kite. With Gibby strapped on to it.

One hot summer night, we were out at the community pool. He was just getting out of the pool. His wet body shined in the moonlight. His trunks were dripping with water. I was watching him. I was wearing a black and white one piece swimsuit. He stared at me, smiling, as he helped me out of the pool. I accidently let go of his hand and I nearly fell back into the pool, but he grabbed me and was able to save me. I looked up at him and he looked at me. His hand was on my back, supporting me. He laughed and asked if I was okay. I could only nod. His pearly white teeth were glistening in the moonlight. I never noticed his teeth before. His mom made him brush his teeth five times a day, so that's probably why they were so perfect. White, straight, teeth of a movie star. He balanced me up so that I was standing. He kept his hand on my back for the longest time. His long and slender fingers were making goosebumps appear on my back. That's the moment that I knew that I was truly in love with him.

I went into the bathroom. Thoughts came into my head. I knew that I couldn't risk Freddie leaving me again. He could leave me for real. There's only one thing in the world that would keep him with me, no matter what I do. I reached into the medicine cabniet. After all, all couples must compromise. Besides, it might not be such a bad thing after all to do this right away. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Why stop what is natural? I grabbed the small container and I opened it, pouring the contents into the toilet. I then flushed my birth control pills down the toilet, smiling in satisfaction.

Ha! Bet you weren't expecting that now, did you? Bop a do bop.


	34. Planting A Flower

_Hey guys and dolls and welcome back to A Darkened Mind. I am your hostess and before we start off today's chapter, I want to tell you that this chapter is unique and you need to focus on certain details and remarks. The end will make more sense if you do so. Hearts to you and your families. Happy Halloween and Breast Cancer Awareness Month...and whatever else happens in October. _

_BTW, I want to bring to light my new favorite movie. "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" I love the songs and characters. _

**To My Reviewers: **

_**XxLucyP5xX**: Thanks for reviewing and I'm glad that you've came back. ^^_

_**discostick0shala**: Now she is. Which shows that Sam does care about Freddie enough to do something that she's not ready to do to get him back, yet not enough to control herself. Love is funny that way._

_**mmmeee**: "Off her rocker" I love that saying. And that does describe Sam right now. Keep on reading. ^^_

_**Alex S**.: Well, you have to remember that they have only been married for a week. Even if she wasn't using birth control, she wouldn't know that she was pregnant. But to answer your question, yes she was using birth control pills all along._

_**CrystalRulesRBY**: *hugs* Don't worry, it's okay. Seddie will live...IT WILL! XD_

_**Hello!!**!: Glad you liked it. ^^ _

_**Roseheart**: Thanks for reviewing. I like this format, by the way. But you can review anyway you want to. If there is anything else I can do, please tell me._

**Chapter Thirty-Four: Planting A Flower**

It was around two o'clock in the morning. I was watching a movie on Lifetime. A woman was being abused by her husband, so she is plotting to kill him. I felt queasy. Guilt filled my stomach. I turned the television off.

"Mom…" Jackson said, annoyed. I turned to him. I was sitting in a chair while he was lying on the couch. "I wanted to see what happens to the lady," He groaned. "What do you think? She probably shoots the son of a bitch and gets away with it," I said, sourly. Jackson said, "He doesn't deserve to die…" I glanced at him, wondering what his thought process was behind that statement. Jackson continued, "The reason he hurts her is because he's drunk all the time. Get him off it and he'll be fine, right? And why hasn't she called the police? Police are supposed the help people, right?" I snorted, "Sure…They helped your father right into his grave." I shouldn't have said that, but it was late at night and my impulse control was a little fuzzy.

Jackson looked down and sighed, "Mom, I want to go back to New York." I glared at him and tried to explain why that couldn't happen when he said, "Just for a few days. To visit Dad's grave and see my family and friends." I sighed, "No Jackson. Not now." Jackson snapped, "You just want to stay here so you can be friends with Mr. Benson and talk with him and hug him all the time….You…you "like like" him…." Jackson sat up as he finished the firm accusation. I looked at him, "Jackson, go back to your room." Jackson got off the couch, "Why? So you can go call him again?" I raised my voice, "Now!" Jackson yelled, "I hate you!" He ran into his room and slammed the door.

I sighed in weariness as I looked in the direction of his room. I knew Jackson didn't hate me…He's a six year old child. He can't hate anyone. But it still hurts to be told that your own child hates you. The child that you bored and raised and loved. I wanted more children, but Tony would smile at me and ask, "What's the rush? We have all the time in the world to have children." But we didn't, did we, Tony?

The quietness of the apartment overcomes me. I feel like I need a cigarette. But I don't smoke. It's strange how you crave for something you never had. I turned the TV back on, wondering how the movie was going to end. Sure enough, the woman hired two hit men to kill her husband. But she didn't get away with it like I thought she would. She went to jail. Each got what they deserved. A life is still a life, no matter what kind of life the other led. I turned off the TV and went into my bedroom. My cold, lonely bedroom.

My bedroom consisted of a queen-sized bed with red sheets and a gold comforter. There were four pillows. Two were red with gold trim with white pillows underneath them. The headboard was wooden with carvings on them. Jackson got bored two nights ago so he got a knife from the kitchen and carved an entire chapter from "Gone With The Wind" How he got his hands on that book, I do not know. All I know is that he got a stern yelling from me when I got up and saw the letters on the headboard. Though I have to say that he has beautiful handwriting and it is a nice touch to the room. There are two end tables on opposite sides of the bed. Each one has a gold lamp on it. On the one to the left is a picture frame of Tony and I. On the right is a picture frame of Jackson. It, also, always had my book of the week on it. Some of the walls were covered with pictures that Jackson did when he was younger. He stopped painting when his father died. His father was gifted with art, even though he didn't let anyone know it.

I remember when Tony and I slept in the bed together. His large arms wrapped around mine in a grizzly bear manner. The constant warmth and protectiveness was always with me when I was in the silk sheets. Now, all I have is the coldness of "Made in Pakistan" cotton blend. I got into the sheets, sleeping on the right side. I turned on the lamp and tried to read "Pet Cemetery" for a while, but I couldn't concentrate. I read the same sentence five times, but I didn't understand what it was. It was something about a dead cat. Stephen King wasn't much of a bedtime storyteller anyway. I still have nightmares from "You Know They Got a Hell of a Band". I put the book on the end table and turned off the lamp. I let my eyes adjust to the darkness and I soon fell asleep after a few minutes.

I heard a loud and very persistent knocking on my door. I blinked myself awake as I got out of the bed. I got a robe off the door and put it over my gown. I went to go answer the door. I saw Freddie Benson at my doorstep. He looked like a mess. His clothes were wrinkled, his eyes were bloodshot, his face was covered in bruises, and it looked like it hurt him to stand. He looked at me for a while before saying, "…I left her." It looked like it took a load off his shoulders to say that. He walked pass me and sat on the couch. I sighed, "…Well, good." I went to sit down next to him. I looked at him awhile before asking, "Why are you here?" Freddie looked up at me, "I want to be here with you. I have nowhere else to go…Please, Vivian, don't send me away. Not now." I sighed as I let him move close to me, "I won't, Freddie."

Freddie. You know, I never liked the name "Fred". It sounded so ordinary, so plain. But Freddie came so familiar to my mind that I loved that name most of all.

I nearly went insane with worry for the past three weeks. I tried to call him. I went into his apartment. I got so nervous that I even called Jonah again. He told me not to worry, that his lover would never go as far as killing him. At least not on purpose. It didn't do much to calm my nerves, however. I was so happy when I finally saw that he was alive. Freddie wasn't okay, but he was alive. I'm not sure that Freddie will ever be okay again, but I don't know far the abuse goes on in that apartment. I knew that she whipped and beat him. And now I knew that she kept him locked up in a closet for three weeks. Who knows what else she does? She obviously has no morals and she cares nothing about this man that loved her.

Freddie looked up at me and he bit his lower lip slightly. He looked like he was about to cry. His eyes started filling with tears. "…Cry," I said, softly. He shook his head, "I-I can't cry. Boys don't cry." I sighed as I put my arm around him, "…Men. So concerned about their masculinity. You shouldn't be. Everyone needs a good cry after the end to a relationship, not just women." Freddie finally let the tears fall. One after one fell down his cheeks as he started sobbing. I let him cry for a while. He needed to cry. He did just leave a woman that he loved. He deserved to mourn the loss, even though it wasn't much of a loss. He had been with this woman since high school and it was indeed a very long time and a strong relationship developed. Freddie's deep brown eyes leaked salt filled tears that made me want to comfort him. To kiss his wounds and heal his broken heart. But I wasn't the woman for that. I could try, but I doubt Freddie returns that want for me to heal him. Maybe he doesn't even want to be healed in the first place.

"I tried for so long…" Freddie said, his crying stopping, "I tried to not make her angry. But it seemed like everything I did would make her infuriated. I felt like I was walking on eggshells when she was around. Everyday, it seemed like there was even less reason to get out of bed. What's the point? I'll just do something stupid and she'll hit me." I sighed, feeling sympathy for Freddie, "She doesn't deserve your love, Freddie." He looked up at me. I then kissed his forehead, like I would to Jackson. He glanced up at me. He smiled slightly, "Thank you, Vivian. I needed that."

I rubbed his back comfortingly, "Don't mention it, Freddie. I want to help you. Take your mind off her for a while. You're going to end up worrying yourself to death." He tried to smile, but he couldn't. He just said, "I had dreams. Real big dreams. And now, I feel like that I can do them. That I'm not bounded anymore. I can do what I want to do without having to ask her for approval. I wanted to be a director. I was _**supposed**_ to be a director." He said the last sentence with a voice of frustration. I understood. He was a young man, only twenty-one. By the time I was eighteen I was married. I had a child when I was twenty. Life passes by so quickly and you never know what you're really missing.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I was just rubbing his back, softly. My fingers went up and down his back, feeling the soft cotton of his blue shirt on my fingertips. "What was he like?" Freddie finally asked. I glanced down at him, "Who?" Freddie said, "Tony…Your husband…" I sighed, "Tony…was Tony…" Freddie glanced at me, "You don't like to talk about him?" I shrugged, "I like to keep the past in the past." Freddie glanced around, "That is why you don't have any pictures of him?" I said, quickly, "Don't get me wrong. I loved Tony, but I have mourned him and I am over him. He and I will never met again. I've accepted that." Freddie sighed, "I wonder if I would keep pictures of Sam if she died. I probably would." I shrugged, "Well, you're you. Sam's Sam. Tony's Tony. And I am me. Different people grieve in different ways."

I put my hand on his shoulder and I saw him wince. I pulled his shirt down to reveal a large bruise on his shoulder. An ugly dark brown bruise that covered his entire shoulder blade. I looked at it, sighing in sadness, "I'm sorry." That's all I could say. "…What made you leave her? What's made today different?" I then said after a few moments. "When you knocked some sense into me. I tried to keep myself in this illusion, but it shattered," Freddie answered. I stared at him and sighed, "I just don't want you to be hurt. I know that you love her, but it isn't worth being in pain…" Freddie looked up at me, "You are so understanding." I smiled at that, "Thanks." I went down to kiss his forehead again.

That's when he kissed me.

He moved his head up so my lips touched my lips. His soft, boyish lips contrasted deeply with the strong and cold lips of Tony. I found myself kissing him back. I found myself in a wave of emotion and bliss. Pure, raw bliss. I felt his arms wrap around my waist. I put my hands on his chest as I deepened the kiss. He started to stroke the sides of my waist with his slim fingers. When we needed oxygen, we pulled away. He looked into my eyes and he stroked my cheek, "You're so beautiful…" I felt my cheeks warm up and I looked down, modestly. "You've been alone too long," Freddie said to me. He moved himself closer as he sat up. He no longer looked like the frightened, beaten boy from before. He resembled a much stronger young man with a look of knowledge and wisdom about him.

"Let me be with you tonight," Freddie said. He never looked surer of something in his entire life. I looked at him in surprise at his directness. He moved closer to me, taking my hands into his, "I want to show you how much I care about you, how much I appreciate you, how much I need you." I couldn't say anything. I could just stare at him. He then kissed me again. I felt my eyes close as I kissed him back. He held me close to him as he pulled me into his lap. I felt his strong arousal all around me and I felt myself become stimulated at the touch of his lips on my neck.

I didn't care about anything around me. Nothing but the way that Freddie made me feel. I haven't felt that way since Tony and I were together. Truly together, not that one last degrading night. No, the night before he had to leave. I haven't even dated since Tony, not that I haven't gotten any offers from men in the apartments or men in the bakery. No man ever caught my attention. Just Freddie.

I then felt myself rise. I opened my eyes to see Freddie carry me. He took me into my bedroom and he sat me on the bed. He took off my robe and set it on the floor. "Gorgeous," He softly spoke as he stared at my body. I blushed in modesty as I stared at him, "You too…" He then pulled off his shirt. I could see the scars and the bruises, but I didn't care. In fact, they made me even more turned on to him. His strength turns me on. The fact that he was able to live through that hell and come out of it, made me feel so attracted to him in a way that I would never be attracted to Tony.

Tony was a coward.

I laid down casually. My head rested on my pillow. I pulled my hair out of my ponytail and I flicked the rubber band at the window. Freddie looked at me and smiled. Not smirked, smiled. A shy look about him as he looked at me. He then got on the bed and got on top of me. He started to kiss my neck, sucking gently on the skin. "Freddie…" I found myself whisper, "Stop…" He immediately pulled away as he looked at me, "…You do not want this?" I sighed, "Freddie, tonight is for you too…Let me make you feel good." He looked at me, curiously. I said, patiently, "Let me…" I then got out from under him and I pulled off my gown in a quick motion. I was only in my underwear before him. Exposed, but I was glad I was…

Freddie blushed in anxiety as he went to kiss me. "Vivian…." He said, softly. I loved the way he said my name and the manner he said my name. He moved my hair out of my face, catching a black hair in the process. He let the hair stay in his fingers as he kissed me again. I laid down on my pillow, staring up at him. I pulled him on top of me. He supported himself with his arms as he looked down at me. He smiled down at me and kissed me once more. His kisses were sweet like chocolate. It was a light taste on the mouth. Freddie then moved his hand to my breasts. He moved his hands on them. His fingers felt cold against that part of my body, but they slowly warmed up before he took his hands off me. He slipped off his pants and tossed them to the floor. I stared at the bottom part of his body, excited by his own arousal. His long legs were firm and sculptured.

I said, with mischief on my mind, "Freddie…are you one to play games?" Freddie smiled at me, "Only games I can win…" I laughed softly, "Funny, too." Freddie looked at me and asked, "What do you mean?" I smiled, "Only another thing to put on the list of things you are…" Freddie frowned slightly and asked, "Right under "pathetic" and "brainless"?" I frowned back. It killed the mood slightly. But I wasn't concerned about that. I was concerned about the depression in his voice, along with his lack of self-confidence. That woman must have emotionally abused him as well. I was so angry by this. Freddie didn't deserve this. No one deserved to be hurt by the person who they loved. Especially Freddie. He didn't do anything wrong to deserve this misery and pain. I wish that I have known sooner.

"Rakkaani, olet vain niin hyvä kuin uskot itesei," I responded in my Finnish language, not even noticing the phrase. "What does that mean?" Freddie asked, inquisitively. I put my hand on his cheek and said as I stroked his skin, "You are only as good as you believe yourself to be, beloved." He smiled at me as he kissed me again. He pronounced the word with a bit of difficulty, but I was pleased by it all the same.

"Rakkaani…"

Afterwards, when we were exhausted in each other's arms, I felt the silence of the room. But it was a comforting silence. I was lying on Freddie's chest and I felt his soothing heartbeat. He was stroking my hair. I was serene, in peace. Everything around me seemed like a fantasyland, but it was real. Reality.

I cannot explain what it was like. My first experience was with a forty five year old married man who had far more understanding of what was happening between us than I did. Tony was strong, powerful, and dominant. He didn't speak during it, except to moan my name a few times. Tony wasn't usually a greedy man, but he was concerned about his satisfaction first and foremost. Sometimes he was rough, but he didn't mean to be. I mean, he was double my weight and then fifty more pounds. There was some discomfort no matter what we did and I wasn't confident enough in myself to be the assertive one. And I didn't want to be treated like some easily broken doll. I would rather go through the act unsatisfied than to be treated like a cherished trinket. But though there was the discomfort, there was an enjoyment. An enjoyment that seemed right and easy to have. The pleasure that is worth every second of the smothering feeling.

Freddie was a different story.

He wasn't as experienced as Tony and I had to have some patience, but it was wonderful all the same. He was tender, but not too gentle. He was concerned about my pleasure as well as his own. We talked a lot, asking questions and admiring each other. He told me how beautiful I was. No matter how much he said it, it never got old. He didn't have as much stamina and skill as Tony, but I liked it better this way. Freddie and I had time to share with each other afterwards. He was a lot smaller than Tony. He was tittering on the edge of thin and regular. There was a sort of raw emotion and need, like exotic animals. Something like panthers and peacocks. That's all I could think of. There was little discomfort, no pain. It felt so good. It never felt this way to me before. I couldn't believe that I was able to feel like this.

I don't know what will become of our relationship now. I could only hope that this was more than a brief fling on Freddie's part. I knew that Freddie would never hurt me intentionally, but you never know what time will bring.

"Vivian…" Freddie finally spoke. I looked up at him and saw him look at me, "Yes, Freddie?" He took my hand and kissed it, softly, "Was I good?" I cocked my head slightly. It was an odd question to ask, "Yes, you were. Why?" Freddie shrugged, as he looked away, timidly, "I just wanted to make sure." Tony never asked if he was good. He was always under the assumption that he was. He had an ego. Not a large one, but an ego never less.

I got off Freddie and turned so that he was holding me in his arms. His body was pressed against mine. His arms were wrapped around my waist and he sucked my neck once more. I would have to wear a turtleneck tomorrow to hide the hickeys or else I'll get the third degree from Tuli. She'll get a real kick out of this story…

Freddie whispers into my ear, "Can I get a glass of water?" I nodded, "Sure…Get it from the bathroom." His mouth formed the word why, but then I saw the answer in his eyes. "Sure," Freddie said, getting out of the bed. I couldn't risk Jackson seeing him. I couldn't explain to my son why Freddie was in our home in the middle of the night. Of course, it might have been pointless. Jackson might have heard us. But he was a child. He didn't know anything. He might have been out, exploring the building, anyway. I shouldn't expect too much of Jackson.

Freddie turned on the light in the bathroom and I heard the water run. The water stopped and there was silence for a few minutes. Freddie turned the light off and came back into the bedroom. He got back into the bed with me, "Miss me?" I giggled as I looked at him, "Perhaps." Freddie smirked and held me close to him. He rested his head on the pillow. I curled my head up against his chin as he ran his fingers down my arms.

I looked out into the window to see the full moon. The sky had cleared up. Each star was shining brightly. Even the moon showed himself. It seemed like a perfect night. The only thing that would make this better is the smell of the country. I will always miss that most of all.I felt the cool air come in from the window, but I was still warm. Freddie's body heat was what kept me warm. I was slowly starting to fall back to sleep, but I stayed awake.

Freddie kissed the top of my head and I heard him inhale the scent of my body. "So sweet," He whispered as he exhaled. I felt his hand go down to my stomach and caress it, gently. I giggled slightly. I wasn't that ticklish. My stomach was curved slightly. I didn't gain much weight from carrying Jackson, so I didn't bother to try and lose it. I put my hand on Freddie's chest to feel his stomach as well. But he took my hand off his stomach in a stern manner. I looked at him, confused, before he put his finger to my lips, "Vivian, sleep…" I looked at him questionably before my vision started to blur. His face disapeared along with my room.

It was like his wish was my command. I felt myself fall asleep.

Siren. That's what I heard. The sound of a far off ambulance filled the room. I woke up and glanced at the window. I was cold. The window was still open. Rain was pouring and my windowsill area was drenched. Oh, I hate Seattle. I was about to comment on it when I noticed the silence. I didn't hear Freddie's breathing. I didn't feel Freddie's arms around me. I didn't smell the scent of him. I blinked as I turned around to see if Freddie was there. He wasn't there.

The pillow was smooth.

_Read and review. Happy Spirit Week for some. Go team go!_


	35. Grab The Bull By The Horns

_Oh my goodness...This has to be the longest chapter that I ever written. I just started and I couldn't stop. XD _

**To My Reviewers**_:_

_**sockstar**: Ha! You have a good eye. As the writer, I'm not at liberty to say, but *wink wink nudge nudge*_

_**Whitefird Bird**: Thanks for reviewing. Hopefully, they will all turn out fine._

_**XxLucyP5xX**: No problem. Keep reading._

_**discostick0shalala**: Yeah, it does seem shocking that Freddie would do something like that...Thanks for saying so. I love making stories that no one else has thought of. I want to make something unique and I think I really found it._

_**AlexLuvsAirwalks**: ^^ Welcome to being an official fanfiction member. I can't wait to read what you write. Thanks and keep reading._

_**XxXDukeOfAwesomenessXxX**: Thanks for the review. Vivian really wanted that to happen, but does Freddie feel the same? Who knows....I do. ^^_

_**Link131**: Thanks for reading my friend and just for you...chapter thirty-five!_

_**iLuvNathanKrEsS**: Thank you so much for your review. Writing is the most natural thing to me and I do more than get into a character's shoes. I just wonder what they would do in a situation and chapters come naturally. Thanks for reading and I hope not to disapoint._

_**Limstella**: Seddie always intrigued me. I remember watching iMeetFred when Sam started beating Freddie with the tennis racket. I wondered, "Why in the world is no one doing anything?" besides the fact that it's for comedy. That's when I got really interested into their love-hate relationship. I believe that each character has a life, a background, a motivation. Every character has physcological aspects. I just help expose it. Keep reading. ^^_

_**Roseheart**: Vivian was very insensitive to Jackson due to his growing resentment and her concern for Freddie. She doesn't see what she's doing wrong. It's just the way she is. She also doesn't believe in being overprotective. She thinks that Jackson is mature enough to know what to do and in a way he is very mature for his age. Thanks for reviewing and I'll take your note about developing characters._

_**Hello!!!:** I just come up with the chapter titles. I'm writing the chapter and a phrase comes into mind to describe a situation. I pick it and there it is. Thanks for reading and reviewing._

**Chapter Thirty-Five: Grab The Bull By The Horns**

I walked down the street with my duffel bag close to me. I packed some clothes. I also grabbed a few twenties and my credit card. I'm not sure how much money I had on it, but I hoped it was enough to live off of until I figured out what to do. I could barely walk. I am afraid that I had broken something.

I needed to get out of Seattle. Maybe Portland. Yeah, Portland. That's a good idea. I walked to a Greyhound bus station and went up to the ticket kiosk. I probably looked like some creepy serial killer, because the man at the kiosk looked terrified of me. I asked, "Is there a bus leaving for Portland, Oregon?" He nodded, "Um, yeah, man. In an hour." I gave him my credit card, "One ticket." The clerk slid my card through the machine and gave it back to me. He then gave me a ticket. I sighed as I left, "Thanks." I had nothing to do but to wait. I sat down at the bench and tried to comprehend what I just done.

I left Sam.

I ran my fingers from my hair in weariness. I wanted to sleep, but I had to stay awake if I wanted to catch the bus. I couldn't believe that I did this. It had to been the bravest thing I ever done in my life. I was terrified of Sam, terrified for my life. Tonight was one of the worst nights. She went insane. Luckily, I was drunk through half through it and wasn't able to feel much of the pain and I wasn't able to realize what was happening. But then, I felt it. Sam was kicking me, stomping on me. She then picked me up and slammed me against the wall. She tried choking me. I was so scared. I felt like that I was going to die. Luckily, she dropped me on the floor and kicked me again. I felt my rib crack and I coughed up some blood. My hands were red from the blood. I went to get the phone to call for help. It was the first time I did that in a long time.

Sam always told me that no one would believe me if I called the police. And even if I tried to get help, no one would care. I had past experiences to back that belief up. When I first moved in with Sam, there was a couple that lived in the apartment beside us. Every night, eight o'clock on the dot, they watched reruns of American Idol. One night, Sam was hurting me really bad. My nineteen-year-old mouth had to cry out. I screamed for help. Then I heard the music from the apartment grow louder. And louder. And louder. Until I couldn't even hear myself scream.

I broke both my legs that night and the girlfriend had the nerve to ask what happened.

I looked around the dark night and saw the soft lights of the city. I had to get out of the city as quick as possible, so I won't be tempted to go back to Sam. I've already started to yearn for her. I wanted to go back, but I knew that I couldn't. I needed a break. I needed to be pain-free for a few weeks. I'm not sure that my body can take much more beatings like those.

I felt the need to drink, but I didn't go to the bar down the street. I promised myself that I would have some when I reached Portland. Vodka, whiskey, I didn't have time for wine or fruity drinks. I needed the strong stuff.

An hour passes by before I saw the bus come into the station. I quickly got on and gave the bus driver my ticket. I went to go sit at the back of the bus. A trip to Portland was easily a four and a half hour drive. Longer if there's traffic. I sat down at the last seat to the left and set my duffel bag in the seat next to me. There's no one on the bus besides me. At least, that's what I thought.

A few minutes later, a teenage couple got on the bus. A fiery red haired boy and a sweet faced brunette girl. They were carrying nothing but the girl's purse. They sat down in the middle of the bus. They were both pale and quiet. The girl leaned against the boy's shoulder. I smiled slightly. A young couple in love is always a pure thing to see. It reminds me of the sweet times with Sam when we were teenagers.

The bus roared to life and it went down the street. I watched as raindrops fell on the bus and down the window. I was tired, but not tired enough to sleep. We're barely out of Seattle when I saw a bunch of flashing lights near an intersection. We had to stop a few blocks away. I felt anxious. I wanted to get out of Seattle as soon as possible. Why couldn't they let us go through?

Finally, after fifteen minutes, we were able to leave. I could hear the faint sirens in the distance. We got on the highway ten minutes later. I glanced over at the couple and saw them holding each other. The male was stroking her short hair, whispering something into her ear. I looked away from them, feeling awkward. I looked out the window and became hypnotized by the lights of the other cars. I leaned my head back on the soft seat head and I closed my eyes. I wanted to fall asleep, but I couldn't. I would remember painful nights. Nights that I tried to get out of my head. I couldn't deal with it right now…I just couldn't…But the warm slumber is so tempting. I felt myself slip into sleep.

_I was in the doctor's office. I remember this night very well. I had to get thirty stitches on my head. Sam had shoved my head in the refrigerator door a few times when I burned dinner that night. Sam was_ _sweet-talking the doctor, explaining that I had fallen down the stairs. She looked so believable. Her so genuine concern and that joking smile when she scolded me for being so clumsy. Sam left the room to go pay the medical bill. I was alone with the doctor as he sewn in the last stitch._

"_She did this," I said, quickly. "Excuse me?" The doctor asked, looking at me. "My girlfriend. She did this," I said. My voice was low and believe me I was embarrassed. He smirked slightly as he chuckled, "You're joking right?" I glanced at him, expecting that question, "No…I burned dinner, so she took me by my collar and hit my head against the refrigerator door." He laughed again, "Sick sense of humor. I love it." He went to go get his chart when I said, "I'm not joking. She really did that. She…she's been hurting me ever since we were teenagers." The doctor looked back at me, his smile was not so strong now, "…What are you trying to pull? Stuff like that really does happen and I really don't appreciate that you're making fun of it." I asked, exasperated, "What do you mean? I'm not trying to make fun of anything." The doctor said, "That only happens to women. You're a man. You're supposed to be stronger than her." I felt terrible and weak. "Well, I…You don't understand. She's stronger than me." The doctor then said as he wrote on his chart, "She's a woman." He said it like that simple fact would make what I accused her of doing was impossible. Like if she was a paraplegic. I said nothing else, deciding it was useless to tell him._

_I walked out of the office after he was done and I met Sam in the waiting room. She was talking with the receptionist. I was hanging out on the other side of the room. My head hurt like hell. I noticed the doctor talking to one of the nurses. He laughed and said, "I got a guy brought in with head trauma. He says his girlfriend abuses him." The nurse laughed, "Oh my God, really. Did he expect you to believe him?" The doctor nodded, "Yeah he did." The nurse laughed, "Maybe he should check into the women's shelter." The doctor laughed at that, thinking it was the most hilarious thing he had heard all day. I felt my fists ball up in anger. He didn't believe me…He wasn't the first person…He wouldn't be the last…_

I woke up to hear the bus brakes screech. I was nearly knocked out of my seat when I noticed police sirens and lights around the bus. I suddenly felt scared. What if Sam called the police so she could get me back? I leaned back in my seat, hoping I wouldn't be seen.

I then heard the bus doors open and a policeman came in with two people. One older man and one older woman. They seemed to be reaching their late forties. "Madeline!" The man yelled out as he saw the two teenagers in the back. "James!" The woman called out. I was relieved that they weren't looking for me. Then again, I wasn't surprised. They looked like runaway lovers. I felt bad for them. "No!" The girl yelled, "I don't want to go with you! I hate you two!" The man came into the bus and grabbed the girl's wrist. "Let her go!" The boy yelled pushing the man away from them, "We're not going with you. We love each other whether you like it or not!" The woman scolded, "James, let's just go home now and forget all this silly nonsense." The girl said, "It's not nonsense. We love each other. I don't care if he's my stepbrother. I love him and we're not going to let you run our lives. The man grabbed the girl and dragged her off the bus while the policeman grabbed the boy. They yelled in protest as they were taken off the bus and put into the police cars.

The police cars drove away and the lights were gone as the bus roared back to life. Forbidden love. That's one of the best kinds of love. I sat back up and looked out the window. It was raining even harder now and I could barely see the sky. All I saw was blackness and not even the lights of passing cars shone through it. I didn't fall back asleep, I just thought.

After I had grabbed the phone and attempted to call for help, Sam had grabbed me again. She snatched the phone away and threw me against the wall. She continued to kick me while I was down. I screamed for her to stop, but she didn't listen to me. She didn't say anything. All I could hear was her panting, as she got tired. She soon finished, too tired to kick me again. I felt so grateful that the beating was over with. I curled up in the fetal position as I tried to see what the damage was to my body. But then I heard her footsteps approach me. I recoiled as she bent down to my level. She then started kissing me. I pulled away, not wanting her to do that. She then grabbed my hair and slammed her lips against mine. She dug her fingernails into my scalp as she pulled me closer to her. I then pushed her away, feeling like I couldn't breathe. She then punched me right in my eye. I felt dizzy. I had to get away. I tried to get up, but she grabbed my ankle and pulled me back down.

The bus stopped near the state line for gas. I stayed on the bus despite the driver's permission for me to go stretch my legs and get something to eat. I was in too much pain to move out of the comfortable seat. It was really early in the morning. It was around four o'clock. Usually I was asleep by now. If I ever got up this early it was to talk with a client overseas on the Internet. I haven't had a lot of jobs lately, but that's not unusual. Every couple of months, business is slow. It wasn't of big concern to me. I had bigger things to worry about.

Half an hour later, the driver got back on the bus and drove out of Washington and into Oregon. I wasn't tired anymore. I was just in an aching pain. My stomach was the worst off. I'm sure that it'll take me weeks for me to recover. And I knew that I couldn't get the rest I needed back home. Sam would hurt me again and I will get worse. I might never recover.

A couple of hours later, there was no rain. The sun was rising in the distance, making the sky many brilliant colors. The bus stopped in Portland and I got off. I felt my stomach growl. I was hungry, but I couldn't eat. Sam would get mad at me if I did…What am I saying? She won't know. I'm away from her now. I could do whatever I want. I smiled slightly as I walked into a McDonalds and ordered some pancakes with bottled water. I wolfed down on my food within minutes and I slurped down the water. I then felt tiredness take over me and I needed to sleep. I walked out of the restaurant and looked around for a hotel. I walked down to one and went inside. It was the cheapest one I saw that didn't look like a whorehouse. I paid for a day's stay and went up to my room. The room was small, but I didn't care. I fell down on the bed and instantly fell asleep.

_There she was. She comes up in my dreams. Carly. She is lying down on the beach. She looks so pretty. Her body is the body it's always been. There is no skinniness. She's wearing a blue and white two-piece swimsuit. I walk up to her and took her hands. I pulled her up and saw her smile at me. I took her into the ocean and we started to play around. We splashed each other and were laughing and smiling. Everything seemed fine, but then a giant wave came and knocked me down. I was under the water and I couldn't get out. I felt two hands pull me up. I gasped for breath. I looked to see that Carly had been the one to pull me up. I smiled at her and she smiled at me. She then grabbed my shoulders tightly and pushed me back into the water. I felt her shove my head into the sand. I couldn't breathe. I choked on the water as the sand filled my nostrils. Everything slowly disappeared as I heard Carly._

"_I didn't see anything."_

I woke up and turned over to look at the clock. My eyes widened in shock. I was asleep for twelve hours. It was in the evening time now. I looked to the window and saw that it was dark outside. I sighed as I got out of the bed. I went into the bathroom and took a shower. The warm water relaxed me. My body was aching, but it didn't hurt as much as before. I then got the need. I needed a drink. Vodka on the rocks, a tall shot glass of whiskey, redder than blood wine…Even imagining the drink satisfied me. But only a little. I got out of the shower and got into the new clothes. I left the hotel and searched around for a bar. I then found one. I smirked as I went inside.

I sat down and ordered a shot of whiskey. I paid the bartender and drunk my shot of whiskey. I was happy to get the alcohol in my system. I felt better now. I then heard someone come up. I turned around to see a man my age walk up to me. He sat down next to me. He then ordered vodka on the rocks. I smirked slightly, knowing how I could get a free drink. I said as he got his drink, "I bet you five dollars that I could drink all that vodka without touching the glass." He looked at me. His eyes were the most interesting things about him. One was a light blue and the other was dark brown. He smirked, "Five dollars it is." I looked at the glass and pretended to study it for a while before grabbing the glass and shooting the drink down. The man pointed out, "Ha, you owe me five dollars." I nodded as I handed him the money, "Not bad for a nine dollar drink." He looked at me for a while before laughing, "Not bad, kid. What's your name?" I said, feeling friendly, "Freddie. Yours?" He said, "Whitney. First name is Peter. But if you call me that, you're dead." I laughed at that.

Whitney was a short man, but he obviously worked out. His hair was in several dreadlocks. He wore a leather jacket over a white shirt. His jeans were ironed and well kept. He had a scar over his left hand, but other than that there were no imperfections on his skin. His eyes were sharp and understanding, a sort of both book smart and streetwise look in them. His accent was a Californian speech. When he talked, he spoke with a laidback voice.

Whitney asked, "So, what brings you to Portland? I can tell you aren't a native." I just smirked and held up my left hand. He glanced at my wedding band, "Ha! I understand. So, what's wrong with her?" I ordered another shot of whiskey and said, "She's crazy. I can't deal with her right now." Whitney held up his left hand and I saw his wedding band. "What's wrong with her?" I laughed. Whitney smirked, "She doesn't think I make enough money so she found someone who did….She moved to Utah and I'm staying here until I save enough money to go back to California. I only came here for college." He ordered a drink as I finished mine.

"Hey, watch me do three shots at once," Whitney said, ordering three shots of whiskey after he finished his vodka. I watched him as he swallowed each shot of whiskey. I rolled my eyes, "Please, you think that's impressive. I can do seven." I ordered the seven shots. "You are crazy, man," Whitney commented. I laughed as I drunk each and every shot. Nothing stopped me, not even the burn. I felt the effects of the alcohol take over me. The blurriness. The way the colors blend together. I felt the room spin around. I loved it.

I glanced over at Whitney and shook his head, "Wow, how long have you been a drinker?" I said, "Since…September." His eyes widened, "Only a month and you're that good?" I smirked, "My…my father drunk a lot. I got it from him. Like brown hair from my mom. I hear that stuff is genetic." I looked at Whitney and asked, "You?" Whitney said, "Since I graduated from college. It's social for me. A way to meet people." I said, "I am not a people person. People don't talk to me. I was the dork in high school." I glanced over and saw a pretty brunette girl drinking a martini, "Girls like her don't talk to me." Whitney asked, "Are you kidding me? You have that sweet boy face. Girls eat that stuff up." I rolled my eyes, "See, you-you're logic is lacking. Girls have this…this idea in their head of this per-perfect guy. Watch this. I'm telling you. She's going to shoot me down." I walked over to the girl and sat down beside her, "Hey, beautiful." She looked at me, "Hey, good looking."

…She didn't spit in my face. I might actually have a conversation with this girl without being rejected…

Whitney smirked as he asked, "Now, what were you saying about how you are going to get shot down?' I rolled my eyes as I looked back at the girl, "So, can I buy you a drink?" She shook her head, "No thanks. I'm fine…" I smirked as I got off the bar stool and went back to Whitney, "Theory proven." Whitney rolled his eyes, "You have no confidence, man. And you have reason to be confident." I yawned as I glanced at the empty shots, "Yeah…" I glanced at the clock. It was nearly ten. It's strange how time goes so bad. I wasn't even hungry. I felt like the room was spinning around me.

I didn't even know I passed out.

_I was walking down the hallway to my room. I was five years old. I had my thumb in my mouth as I walked into the living room in my footie pajamas. I opened the refrigerator door and smiled as I saw the soda on the top shelf. Mom didn't let me drink soda. Dad was the one that snuck me a few glasses when she wasn't home. I climbed up the racks and grabbed the soda. I climbed back down and opened the fresh bottle. I laughed as the fizz came out and covered my hands. I was about to drink it when I heard footsteps. I glanced up to see my mother stare down at me. She closed her eyes and asked calmly, "Freddie, what did you do wrong?" I glanced down at the mess on the floor and said in my high pitched voice, "Wet and sticky is very icky. Sticky and wet makes Mommy upset." She said, "Good boy, now, go wash your hands and think about what you did." I nodded and went into the bathroom. I then washed my hands, making sure that I used a lot of soap. I put my thumb back into my mouth, disliking the taste of the rose soap._

_I went back into the kitchen and saw Mom clean up the mess I made. I sat down on the couch and continued to suck on my thumb. I glanced up to see my mother get a box out of the cabinet. I watch her as she sat down on the other couch and took something out of the box. It was a pretty dark haired doll, one of those porcelain kinds. The dress was frilly and a light blue. It caught my curiosity. I went over and sat down next to her as she dusted the doll, "Can I see, Mommy?" She looked at me and smiled, "Alright. But be careful. She's really fragile." She handed me the doll and I looked it over. I then heard the heavy footsteps of my father walk into the room….No…No…I know this dream…I need to wake up…Wake up Freddie! Wake up!_

I blinked as I woke up. I was in my hotel room. How did I get here? I glanced at the clock to see that it was four in the morning. I turned on the lamp when I saw the faint outline of a note on the end table. I picked up the note and read it.

Freddie,

You passed out at the bar, which is a stupid thing to do. I found a pen from the hotel in your bag, so I dropped you off here. Don't let me catch you doing that again.

Whitney

I sighed at that as I kept the lamp on. I felt a headache coming up and all I wanted to do was to fall back asleep.

I closed my eyes and started thinking again. After Sam grabbed my ankle, I yelled out in surprise as she dragged me down. She got on top of me and dug her nails into my skin. She grabbed my head and hit it against the floor. I saw stars for a moment before I came too. I then felt her turn me over so that I was lying on my back. She straddled me and stared down at me. I was safe for the moment. Sam put her hand on my face and I winced at the touch. Sam glared at me, "Why do you flinch every time I touch you?" She bent down so that her nose was touching my nose, "You're such a dork, Freddie…My cute little dork." She then started to kiss me. I pulled back, "Sam, not now." She slapped me as she asked angrily, "Why?! Why won't you let me do this?! Why? It's because of Carly, because you're still in love with her after all these years. Well, she's dead! She's dead and buried and rotting in the ground. I'm alive! I'm alive and I'm here and I love you! She never loved you. That bitch didn't even see you." I yelled, angry with Sam, "Stop talking bad about Carly." Sam looked even more enraged. She got off of me and took off her belt.

I couldn't fall asleep, no mater how hard I tried. I curled up and wrapped my arms around my knees, wondering what Sam was doing now. She was probably missing me. I should be there with her. Not here. This is the first time I've been on my own. I've never been on my own before. It scared me. It terrified me. I hate to be alone. I felt tears go down my face. Sam…Sam…I need her. I have to go back to her.

No, I can't back on this now. I have to get better. As soon as I did, I'll go back to Sam. I soon fell asleep with that idea in my head.

_It was hot. It was hot and the air was thick with humidity. I coughed as I looked around my surroundings. I was in a jungle. It was thick and beautiful. It was quiet but a soft music soon filled my ears. I followed the music and I came across a small clearing. In the clearing was a large rock and sitting on the rock was a mass of feathers. I walked over to it and I saw the feathers move. The feathers went down to reveal a beautiful woman. The feathers mixed in with her skin. Blue and purple mixed in with her pale skin. Her long hair blended from black hair to green feathers. She looked at me and smiled. She opened her arms as if to motion me to her. I obeyed as I walked over to her. She stood on the rock and danced in a slow manner. She reminded me of a peacock. Her gorgeous and exotic beauty made me even more attracted to her. She looked down to me and took my hand. I helped myself on the rock and she wrapped her arms around me. Vivian…_

I woke up hearing the sound of the hotel phone ring. I had a huge hangover. I growled as I went to grab the phone. It took me a few minutes to realize that I was grabbing the extremely hot lamp bulb. I yelled out as I held my hand, "Goddamn!" I picked up the phone and said, in pain, "What?!" The hotel receptionist said, "Um, sir, I'm sorry to wake you up, but your credit card was denied." I asked, narrowing my eyes, "What do you mean it's declined?" The receptionist said, "There is no more money left on the card. I have to send up security, sir." I slammed the phone down and got out of bed. I grabbed my duffel bag and went out on the patio. Good thing I was on the first floor. I jumped over the small fence and ran down the street. It was around mid morning. I needed to get out of Oregon.

I went to a bus station and slammed my money on the counter, watching the surprised employee's reaction, "I want the first bus out of here." The employee took my money and said, "There's a bus leaving to Austin, Nevada right now." He pointed to it. "Thanks," I said, leaving to go get on the bus.

I never did any thing like that in my life. I never broke the law like that. Not paying for something. That's something Sam would do. It's not unusual for her to steal stuff from clothing stores if she doesn't like the price. But that was when she was a teenager. You are supposed to grow out of this stuff. As the bus roared to life, I finally realized where I was going.

Austin, the capital of Nevada. I was going closer and closer to my mother. No, I couldn't go to her for help. I won't. I'll just stay in Austin until I get back on my feet. I won't even have to be near her.

It's an eight-hour drive, but it passed by quickly. It was late afternoon when the bus stopped in Austin. I got off the bus and looked around at the city. The air was hot and dry. I haven't been to Nevada in years. I missed Seattle.

I felt the need to drink again so I went into a liquor store. I bought a bottle of wine and drunk the whole bottle within the hour. I hung outside of the store so if I got the need to drink again, I could. After half an hour, I looked to see how much money I had.

Only a few twenties are left. I couldn't spend the night at a nice hotel. When night came, I had to sleep in a crappy motel. I sighed, knowing that beggars can't be choosers. I walked down the street and began hitchhiking.

All I had to do was say, "Mom, I need money." She'll give it to me and I won't have to see her again.

Of course, a lot of cars passed me without a second glance. I was getting pretty pessimistic when an eighteen-wheeler slowed down near me. I sighed in relief as the door opened. A large man was in the driver's seat and he smiled at me, "Hop in." I smiled as I climbed into the passenger's seat. "So, where are you headed?" I asked. "Ely, near Las Vegas," The trucker said, going down the highway. I smiled, "Good. I'm headed to Las Vegas." He extended a hand to me, "Porkchop." I shook his hand, "Freddie." He put his hand back on the wheel, "Well, no serial killer I know is named Freddie so I guess it's safe for me to pick you up. And it's safe for you because I'm too old and fat to overpower you, kiddo." I laughed slightly at the sense of humor.

Porkchop asked, "So, got any family?" I nodded, "Yeah, I'm headed to my mother's." He smiled, "Good boy. Children need to visit their parents because you don't know when we're going to kick the bucket. I got in a wreck about six months ago. I almost died. My daughter didn't even know until last week." He pulled out his wallet and showed me a picture of an average looking young woman. Nothing pretty about her, nothing ugly about her, "That's her. Her name is Elise." I nodded as I looked away. He put his wallet up, "You single?" I blushed at the question, "No…I have a wife." Porkchop grunted, "Hm, it was worth a shot. My baby girl needs a decent guy in her life. And you haven't tried anything yet which tells me that you're at least better than that bastard she got herself married to."

I asked, adding to the conversation, "What's wrong with him?" He sighed and said, "He beats her." I felt my stomach sink to the pit of my soul, "O-oh…I'm sorry." Porkchop said, "Don't be. It's her own fault. If she wants to stay with him, then I won't say anything. If she would rather look like a whore and wear make up to cover the bruises than look natural, then fine by me. If she won't leave him, then she deserves what she gets." I said in surprise, "She's your daughter." Porkchop said, "She's more loyal to her husband. Damn, if I beat my hound dog half as much as he beats her, he would leave me. Not her though. The punk would beat her black and blue and she would defend him til her last breath. She's weak. It doesn't take a lot to make her happy. He buys her a fricking diamond ring every time she has to go to the hospital."

I felt really uncomfortable and even worse about the subject. I wanted him to stop and I tried to change the conversation. I glanced at his pocket and noticed he had a hip flask in it, "Um, isn't unsafe to drink and drive?" He glanced down and pulled out the hip flask, "Oh, this is nothing. I'm just used to having it in my pocket. I drink on breaks, but I stopped because the other driver in the accident was drunk….Here, kid." He handed me the flask, "You look like you need to knock a few back and now you can do it whenever you want." I pocketed the flask, "Thanks."

"So, what do you do for a living?" Porkchop asked. I said, "I design websites." He laughed, "Ah, a desk job. At least you have a job. Elise's lousy excuse for a husband is a trust fund brat. He never worked a day in his life…You got any kids?" I shook my head, "No…I hope to have some one day." Porkchop laughed, "My wife, God rest her soul, was a breeder. We had twelve. Elise was the youngest….You know, she wants kids." I nodded, "Oh.." Porkchop muttered, "It's not right to bring kids into a situation like that. It's sick." I felt my stomach squirm. I tried to imagine my children seeing what goes on between Sam and me. I couldn't expose them to that…

Porkchop pointed out, "I watched this dateline special on abusive situations….They say that people who hurt their spouses had parents that hit each other, too. It's called a cycle of abuse and I'd be damned before my grandson grew up to be a wife-beater." I looked out the window like it was the most interesting thing in the world. Porkchop said, "It also talked about how some men get abused." I glanced at him, "Really?" The concept seemed foreign to me. I've heard of another man being abused by his girlfriend or wife.

Porkchop said, "As far as I'm concerned, it's a crock. If you let yourself get smacked around by a woman, then you aren't really a man." I sighed in relief as the eighteen-wheeler stopped. I opened the door and said, quickly, "Thanks for the lift." I jumped out as he said his goodbye.

I went into the bathroom of a convenience store and vomited into the toilet. If I hate anything, it's when my masculinity is threatened. I get angry and offended and I can't even think. When Sam called me a fag a month ago, I got angry. I slapped her and that was the trigger to her rage towards me that night. That night that I've tried to forget about since I started drinking.

I sighed as I walked out of the store and went down the road. I needed to sleep. I didn't see a hotel within miles. I did, however, see a seedy motel a half a mile from the store. I sighed as I went into it. I looked around at the bleak room and saw a couple of hookers trying to swindle this poor man out of all his money. I went up to the counter, "How much is a night here?" The man looked up at me from his newspaper and said, "We are a "by the hour" establishment." I sighed in irritation, "How much is an hour?" The man thought at bit, as he looked me over, "Twenty-five. Cash only." I sighed as I pulled out some money, "I'll take two hours." The man took my money and gave me the change. He gave me a hotel room key, "Stay away from the shower. It got roaches in it." I shuddered in disgust as I walked down the hallway. I then felt a hand on my shoulder. I jumped as I turned around.

A young woman my age was in front of me. She had long eyelashes that were obviously fake. She smelt like liquor and cologne. She wore a short mini skirt and a shirt that was the size of a bandana. "Hey, handsome, you look alone." She smirked at me suggestively as I backed away, "Sorry…I'm married." She laughed, "Well, that's new…Come on, sweetie. My name is Humming Bird and give me the right price and I'll tell you why I'm called that." She put her other hand on my shoulder, but I backed away, "I'm not interested." She then laughed, "Oh, oh, I see." She took her hands off me and indicated her breasts, "Nothing wrong with these girls, just girls at all, right? There's a gay bar over on-" I snapped, "No! I'm not gay. I just don't want you." I pushed her away, "Now, why don't you go on and screw someone else, you whore?" I went into my room and shut the door. I glanced around at the dirty room and hesitantly sat on the bed. At least it wasn't full of dead bodies. I then returned to my thoughts.

After Sam pulled off the belt, she struck me. The belt hit my stomach and I cried out as it hit the tender flesh. She folded the belt and hit me again. I scrambled to get up, but the force was enough to force me back down. She hit me again. The leather hit the side of my stomach and I started to cough up blood. The blood dripped from my mouth to the floor. "Don't you dare get blood on the carpet!" Sam snarled as she grabbed my ankle and dragged me to the other side of the living room. She got down to me level and wrapped the belt around my neck, squeezing it. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak. I just stared at her, begging her to let go. She then let me go. I sighed in relief as she went to sit on the couch. She looked like she was calming down. I panted on the floor, wondering what she was going to do now. She then patted the couch, "Come here, Freddie." I tried to stand up, but I was too weak. I crawled over to the couch and pulled myself up. I fell into her lap and stared up at her. She then started to stroke my hair and she started to hum.

I glanced at the phone and I picked it up, hesitantly. I dialed Vivian's number. I had to talk to someone familiar. The phone rang and rang and I heard Jackson's voice, "Hello?" I bit my lower lip before I said, "Um, hi, Jackson, it's Mr. Benson. Can I speak to your mom?" Jackson paused for a while before saying, "Fine….MOM! IT'S MR. BENSON!" There was a pause before I heard Vivian, "Freddie?"

The moment I heard her voice, I felt myself slowly break down. She is the one that was there for me. She was the one that came that day. She was the one that made me see what was coming on around me. Vivian…Vivian was so much like Carly. Even the way she laughs sent chills up my spine because of how familiar that laugh is.

I didn't answer her. I stayed quiet. "Freddie….are you alright?" She asked. I whispered as I felt my throat tightened, "I don't know…" She then asked, concerned, "…What happened? Did Sam hurt you again?" Anger rose in her voice when she asked about Sam. I shook my head, "No…Sam would…would never hurt me." She sighed in impatience as she asked, "Well…what happened?" I laid down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. The ceiling was a large mirror. I saw myself. I looked awful. My face had pale bruises on it. My clothes were dirty since I haven't changed since yesterday. I whispered into the phone, "…Life happened…."

Vivian paused before asking, "Are you hurt?" I sighed, "My stomach hurts. My back hurts. My throat is fine…" Vivian asked, "What did she do?" I sighed, "I disobeyed her, I offended her, I did something…She lost control…" Vivian sighed as she asked, "Freddie…why don't you come over?" I ran my fingers through my hair, "I'll call you later…" I then hung up on her.

I couldn't bear to listen to her anymore.

I turned on the alarm on the clock to two hours from now and I closed my eyes, falling asleep.

_I was in the rainforest again. Vivian was dancing again. I was watching her and I smiled at her. She looked at me and smiled. She got down and walked over to me. She then bent down and rubbed her cheek against mine. I felt my cheeks heat up as the feathers tickled me. "Freddie…" Vivian whispered, "Stay here…" I shook my head as I pulled away from her. I stood up, "I'm sorry…" She looked up at me and tried to take my hand. I then ran away as she called my name._

_I kept running until I tripped. I fell down and I felt myself rise. I realized that I was caught in a net. I tried to get out, but the rope was too strong. I cried out for help and I heard footsteps. I looked up to see Sam walk in. She was wearing a cliché animal hunter uniform. She walked over to me and smirked as she pulled out a knife. She cut the ropes and wrapped it around my neck to use as a leash. I felt so frightened. Sam smirked as she dragged me away and I could see Vivian hiding behind a tree. She looked…disappointed._

_I guess I'm not as strong as you think I am._

The alarm woke me up and I turned it off. I quickly put on some new clothes and left the motel. It was late in the night. I stopped at a convenience store to get some food in me. I asked the clerk, "How far is it to Las Vegas?" He said, "It's a two hour drive." I sighed at that as I thought a bit. I then said, "Listen, I wasn't sure who to tell, but there's a fire in the back by the chips." His eyes widened as he went to the other side of the store. I glanced at the open cash register and stole all that I could grab.

I ran out of the store and hailed a taxi. I gave him the money and told him, quickly, "Las Vegas." The guy nodded as he drove down the highway. I only stole once before and that was for Sam. Did she honestly think that I saved up all that money to buy her that car years ago? I had to rob an electronics store to buy it for her. Why am I turning into such a little criminal? I sighed as I shrugged it off. It didn't really matter. I wasn't going to get caught and it did go to a good use.

Finally, I saw the bright lights of Las Vegas. I got out of the cab and looked around for Rainey Street. Rainey Street was part of the suburbs surrounding Las Vegas. It was far from the bright lights. It was two miles away. I walked the whole way there.

As I walked, I thought again. When I got on the couch, Sam started to stroke my hair and sing. Usually, that makes me forgive her. I thought that if she did that then that meant that she did love me. But I didn't feel that way now. I felt angry and depressed. She…she could have killed me. Didn't she realize that? No….I don't think she did. I then started to pull away from her, but she forced me back into her lap. I gave up fighting her…At least, for a while.

I soon found Rainey Street. I glanced around and found it. The blue house on the left. I walked down the driveway and stared at the house for a minute. It looked so safe, so secure, so peaceful. I walked up to the porch and I couldn't bring myself to knock on the door. I stared at it for the longest time and then went to sit down on the porch swing. I didn't know what to do. What could I do? I yawned as I felt sleep trying to force its way in. I blinked a few times before finally falling asleep.

I didn't dream, which surprised me. All I saw was darkness and a few flashes of the people I knew. Nothing else came to mind. It was then when a dream started to form that I heard a loud screeching voice.

"_**Marissa! Look at what the cat dragged in!"**_

_I was going to write more...but I decided to be mean. XD Read and review_


	36. Lightening Crash

_^^ We're so close to 10,000 hits! Only one thousand more and I'll get it. In return, you guys will get a special surprise...What that is...I don't know!_

_I wonder if someone would ever write "A Darkened Mind" fanfiction...Random thought._

**To My Reviewers:**

_**sockstar**: Thanks. ^^ I hope that that chapter showed more of our favorite tech geek and his feelings._

_**XxLucyP5xX**: ^^ Thanks. I do it to show that I truly appreciate my readers._

_**discostick0shalala: **Thanks. I try to make it unpreditable. It keeps you guys entertained. Vivian will find out, but not yet...Now that wouldn't be fun, now would it? ^^ I saw him on iCarly one day and I instantly got the idea of Freddie being picked up by a trucker. And...it evolved. ^^_

_**XxXDukeOfAwesomenessXxX: **That would be an awesome ship! Go person for thinking of the name. _

_**AlexLuvsAirwalks: **Don't worry, Whitney will have a stronger effect on Freddie than you think. Anyway, read and review._

_**Limstella: **Thanks and I think that the truth is that sometimes authors try to hard to be symbolic and i just let it go with the flow. Thanks for reading and i hope that you review again._

_**Crazii-fan4all: **^^ Sam has her ways to find out where he is...But that doesn't mean that they are successful. Thanks for reviewing._

_**Hello!!!: **Don't worry. That dream will be finished. And the fact that Freddie hated that dream so much that he was able to wake himself up showed that it was really important. And don't worry. Whitney hasn't made his last apperance. And I will give you a shout out in his next chapter. And just for you. TWO Bloody Maries. ^^_

_**Roseheart: **Thanks for the review. I had a lot of fun writing chapter thirty-five. When I get into Freddie's mind set, I always have a lot to say. Sometimes it's hard for me to let him go. The other day in class, the teacher hit a yardstick against the wall to make us be quiet and I tensed up and flinched. That's when I knew that I'm gaining his mannerisms and he's slowly becoming a part of me. They saw a writer's characters are just extensions of themselves. Even though Freddie isn't mine, I feel like he is..._

_**daydreamer428: **Thank you so much for your review. I understand that it doesn't sound good especially the rocky first chapter. I'm just happy that I have another fan. BTW, I can never find iCarly abuse fics. Do you mind sending me the links to some? _

**Chapter Thirty-Six: Lightening Crash**

I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't breathe. I can't think. I can't function. I can't do a thing. All because of her. Heather...Heather…Heather…That's all I can think of is her. And all I can see is her in the hospital bed.

I shoved another sleep medication pill down my throat as I approached a stoplight. I haven't slept in days. Hopefully, by the time I got home I would be near sleep. I had worked all night at the school, catching up on some over due papers. Since Heather quit, I had to scramble around to find a replacement. I hired some eighteen-year-old brat, but she had to do until I could convince Heather to come back. But now, after all this time, I do not think that she is coming back.

I called her constantly, but she refused to talk to me. She said that she wasn't ever going to come back and that she was going to college. College! To…to become a marine biologist! I asked her, "Since when do you care about water animals?" She just laughed and hung up on me. I then remembered the "Save The Dolphins" bumper sticker she had on her car. And the star fish earrings she wore every Friday. So many clues, but I was indifferent to all of them.

Am I really that self-absorbed that I know nothing about the woman I love?

I drove down the road ten miles over the speed limit. My eyes started being hazy and I was so grateful for this...To sleep…But I was driving, I can't be sleeping….See, Heather, if you were here, then you would be driving me…this is all your fault…Heather, Heather….You would drive me home from a late night at work. You would make sure I got home okay because you were so concerned…

I called her house phone earlier today and a man answered. It turned out to be her brother, but I was so…so angry at the idea that another man was with her that I made countless threats against his life at least twelve times before he gave her the phone. Heather, Heather, Heather, why do you call me irrational? Please, stop yelling at me, I'm trying to drive.

Colors started blurring, but it was okay. I only had a few miles left. I could do this…I…can…do…this….

_**CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

"_Oh my God! What happened?!"_

"_He just ran a red light….I'm sorry! I didn't mean to run into him!"_

"_Someone call 9-1-1!"_

"_Hey, are you okay?"_

"_Does he look okay? He's bleeding out of his ears!"_

"_Oh God! I killed him!"_

"_He's got a pulse….Where's that ambulance?!"_

The last thing I hear is a siren.

I wake up to the sound of monitors beating. I opened my eyes and looked around. My head hurt, I noticed before I could take in any surroundings. I was in a colorless hospital room with IVs stuck up my arm. I sat up and rubbed my head, trying to stop the pounding pain that continued to assault my cranium. I heard the door open and a woman walked into the room.

She was a pretty woman. She had beautiful strawberry blond hair and sweet green eyes that were wide with emotion. She had a nice full body, but it wasn't like she was fat or anything. She wore a red shirt with a cute pink skirt that went down to her knees. She looked really sad. Why was she crying? She's going to smudge her mascara.

"Oh God! You're alive!" She cried out as she ran over to me and hugged me tightly, "Oh God, I'm so sorry. It's all my fault…I should have been driving…I'm so sorry…" She then pulled away from me and asked, "So, how are you feeling? Do you want me to get a doctor? Do you need some pain medication?" I answered, in the order of the questions, "I'm fine. No. No." She stared at me and asked, "Are you sure?" I nodded, slowly, "Yeah…I'm fine…" She put her hand on my head, which I noticed was covered in bandages, "The doctors say that your head bounced against the steering wheel and the ceiling of the car. You have some brain damage, but the doctor will be able to explain it better…" I nodded slowly, trying to take this in. I then asked her a question.

"Do I know you?"

She looked at me for the longest time, an expression of disbelief in her eyes, "It's me…Heather…Don't you remember?" I blinked a few times and shook my head, "No…I don't…I don't remember you." She looked closer at me and asked, "Do…do you remember who _you_ are?" I was about to answer when I realized I didn't, "I don't know…No…I can't think of my name. I can't remember anything…" She put her hands over her mouth as she backed away, "You don't remember…anything?" I shook my head, "No. Nothing…Who am I?" She stared at me as she put her hands down, "Your name is Nevel Papperman." I laughed slightly, "Come on, really, what's my name?" What kind of mother would name their child Nevel? "Nevel Papperman," Heather repeated.

I sighed at that, "Oh…Well…Who are you then? My wife?" Heather sighed at that as she smiled, "No…I'm your secretary…Well "was" would be a more appropriate word…" I raised my eyebrow, "'Was'?" Heather shook her head, "It doesn't matter, because I'm not going to leave your side ever again." She walked over to me and knelt down beside the hospital bed as she took my head, "Never…" I smiled slightly, "Are all my friends like you?" Heather frowned slightly as she said, "Well, not really….You don't have a lot of friends." I sighed at that, "Ah…I see….Family?" Heather shook her head once again, "None." I looked at her, "So…you're the only one that cares that I'm here?" She looked at me and shrugged, "Well, kind of…You're not that…People don't really see you as pleasant…."

I frowned, "Oh…I see…" I decided to change the subject, "Well…Heather…Since you are my secretary, you must what I do for a living." Heather nodded, "Yes…You are the headmaster at a school. The Carly Shay Academy." She paused and I wondered why. She then continued, "You were driving home from work when you ran a red light….The doctors said you had twice the normal amount of aspirin and sleep medication in your system. He's surprised that you aren't suffering from any other side effects."

Heather was quiet as she looked at me, she then looked down. "Heather?" I asked, "Are you okay?" She whispered, "You…you don't remember…anything…" I stared at her and put her hand on her chin and moved it up so that she was looking at me. "Did I do something to you?" I asked, looking at her. Why else would she be so distraught that I lost my memory?

She sighed as she said, "It's nothing, Mr. Papperman…Nothing." She stood up and walked away from me, "I'll tell the doctor that you're awake…If he says that it's fine for you to leave, I'll drive you home." She left the room without another word. I sighed as I laid back down, wondering what was going on.

I racked my brain, searching for anything. Anything at all that could give me a clue about who I was. What sort of person am I? What was my childhood like? Love life? Work? Friends? Family? What things have I done right? What things have I done wrong?

As I scrambled around for a memory, the doctor came into the room. I didn't really pay attention to him. He just talked about the car accident and my brain injuries. He says that he'll have to keep me under observation for the next twenty-four hours. That way he can get a clear idea on if and when I'll get my memory back. He left the room after half an hour. My head still hurt and all I wanted to do was sleep. I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

_I was in a courthouse. It was chilly. I pulled on my jacket as I walked down the halls. The doors to one courtroom burst opened and I saw a young blonde haired woman run out, cheering. She danced around in a happy manner, saying over and over again, "Not guilty! Not guilty! Not guilty!" She then saw me and ran over to me. She hugged me, instantly, "I couldn't have done this without you." She smiled as she slipped something into my jacket pocket. As she walked away, I went to see what it was. It was cash. Over two hundred dollars in cash was in my pocket. I felt myself smirk and I was about to leave the courthouse when at the corner of my eye I noticed two people leave the courtroom. One was a thin dark haired girl and the other was a brown haired geeky looking boy. _

_I watched them as they left. The girl looked at the boy and started out, "I'm sor-" He cut her off as he turned to her. He said, coldly, "Drop dead." He stuffed his hands in his pocket as he walked out of the courthouse. I had walked over to the girl and said, with a voice covered in false concern, "Oh, forget about him…He is going to get what he deserves." She glared at me, "I know what you did…" I just laughed, "Oh, I scoff at your accusation. Scoff, my dear." She replied, her voice like ice, "You have some nerve to come here." I just smirked as I put my hand on her shoulder, "Perhaps you should have accepted my offer." She pulled away and ran off. I watched her leave as I laughed._

I woke up, wondering what that was all about. I remember the dream in so much detail…Like it was a memory. Maybe it was a memory.

The only memory I have. Now, why out of all my memories is that the one that I kept? What was so important about that memory? Was it important at all? I don't understand…

_Yes, it's shorter than the last chapter...I figured it's a good balance. ^^_


	37. Jokes, Games, and Fun Galore

_Hey guys, check out my other story "A Curious Conclusion" that I posted a while ago. Sorry for the late wait on this one. I've been very busy. I had a full weekend where i usually do a bulk of a chapter. The play is getting closer to opening night, so rehearsal is brutal. Keep on reading you guys. Love you forever and always._

**To My Reviewers:**

_**sockstar**: Nice preditions, let's hope you are right like you have been before. ^^ Keep reading._

_**discostick0shalala:** Suspense is everything ot a story. That what's keeping the reader reading and i'm so glad that this chapter turned out well. I thought it would bomb but people seem to like it. ^^_

_**Crazii-fan4all: **Updated, just like you wanted, my friend. Keep on reading._

**AlexLuvsAirwalks**: _Thanks for reviewing. I always saw Nevel as an okay sort of guy. He's just a bit jerkish. No one is perfect. He's funny and quite brilliant and I want to show him being more than just a once in a while antagonist._

_**XxXDukeOfAwesomenessXxX: **Yes it will all be explained...and I do not know what show that is from. Will you please tell me. ^^ And thank you for saying that it was the best. That's so nice of you._

_**Link131: **Thanks for reading and reviewing. I'm hoping that I will be able to spread the clues over the 100 chapter story. And to keep it interesting, too. ^^_

_**XxLucyP5xX: **Wow? Really? LOL. ^^ That's cool. I can't believe that it was able to do that. Keep on reading._

_**Hello!!!: **Well, Heather did not run into Nevel. It really would be something that was unrealistic. Nevel did love Carly, but he loved himself more then. He's still sort of a jerk._

_**Limstella**: I'm sorry if the chapter lengths are getting sort of sparratic. I try to make them long like you guys want. And I know that Nevel chapters bum you guys out, that's why I wanted something like this to happen. Keep on reading and reviewing._

_**daydreamer428: **The thing about iCarly fics is I hate ones where Sam is abused. I find it really out of character. I like ones that are unique and not the same thing over and over again. And how will Nevel treat Heather? ^^ Who knows, especially with the memory disapearance._

_**Roseheart**: I understand. Don't worry. I understand. My scedule is getting pretty hetic too, so I have no fear that you will be able to catch up with me and the updates. I try to search abuse fics and they're partially the reason why I made "A Darkened Mind" in the first place. I wanted to make a good abuse fic. Perhaps your predictions or right...perhaps they are wrong. ^^ Thank you and keep reading and reviewing._

**C****hapter Thirty-Seven: Jokes, Games, and Fun Galore**

I woke up in the morning to the sound of a toilet flushing. I rolled over in my bed to look at the open bathroom door. Angela was standing in the bathroom, wiping the corners of her mouth with a washcloth. I froze right away.

It reminded me of Carly and her frequent "stomach viruses"

I instantly thought that Angela was getting an eating disorder….But she was eating a lot lately. However, binge eating was common with bulimia. I started searching around for any signs, not knowing how frightened my face looked. It was when Angela spoke that I snapped out of my thoughts. "Spencer, can we talk about something…serious?" Angela asked. I nodded, slowly, "Of course, babe."

I sat up in the bed and watched her walk over to me. She sat down on the bed and was about to say something when there was a knock on the bedroom door. Angela growled in annoyance before saying, "Come in." Socko opened the door and said, "Sorry to bother you two, but Angela, there's a call for you. Something about a woman named Cecily…" He waved the phone as a sign that it was urgent. Angela sighed as she got off the bed and left the room, taking the phone from him.

I stared at her as she left and asked, "Hey, Socko, have you noticed anything unusual about Angie?" Socko shrugged, "She yelled at me yesterday when I mixed in my laundry with hers…She's getting a little emotional." I sighed as I went to go take a shower, "Whatever…" I turned on the water in the shower and I slowly stripped. My clothes were discarded on the floor as I got into the shower. I glanced down over my body as I let the warm water ingulf me. I was thinking about getting a tattoo...but I don't really know where to put it or what to put on my body. What would I engrave into my skin?...Something that will be with me for the rest of my life?

I have to think about something other than Angela. I'll go mad if I worry about her too much.

I took my shower and got ready for the day. Angela was washing the dishes in the kitchen. That is where I found her. I smiled as I walked up behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist, "Hey, sweetie…What are you doing after work?" Angela sighed, "Nothing…Nothing at all…" I asked, "Do you want to go out? I can leave the school early…" She shook her head, "No. I want to finish my painting." I pulled away from her, "Okay." Why was she acting so distant?

I grabbed my briefcase for work and I turned to Angela, "I'm going to work. See you later, honey…" She glanced at me from the kitchen sink, "Bye, Spencer…Love you." I smiled, "Love you, too." I left the apartment and walked out. I walked down the street to the school when I heard my phone go off.

I answered the phone, "Hello?" I heard Sam's voice. She sounded quiet and despondent, "Spencer…I can't come to work today. Tell the nub to hire a sub." I asked, concerned, "Are you okay? Are you sick?" Sam sighed and said, "I just don't want to deal with anyone right now. I need a mental health day." I nodded, "Okay…But don't make a habit out of it or Nevel's not going to give you that promotion." Sam whispered, "I don't really care." I knew that something was up. Sam really wanted that promotion.

"Are you sure you're okay?" I asked. Sam then hung up on with without another word. I wished I knew what was going on. I hate for my friends to be upset. I walked down to the school and went to my class. I yawned as I noticed the girls come into my room. I started roll call as soon as the bell rang.

"Annette Baker."

"Here."

"Rhonda Bindley."

"Here."

"Lisa Carol….Lisa?" I looked around for the sweet faced Hispanic girl that is usually in the seat by my desk. Annette said, softly, "She's been released." My eyes widened, "Released? She's only been here for two weeks." Annette shrugged, "Her father came by to pick her up." Rhonda added, "She's going to Europe for her tour." I raised my eyebrow, "Tour?" Rhonda said, "She's a ballet dancer, Mr. Shay. She's going to be famous…I'm so jealous." My eyebrows furrowed as I slammed my folder on the desk and stormed out of the room.

I never get angry. I get really mad. Never angry, but now I feel like I am going to blow up. Lisa was a really bad case. She needed months of treatment and years of therapy. From what her file said, she's been a dancer since she could walk and she's been anorexic off and on since she was eleven. I haven't known her for that long, but I knew that she was a quiet girl with an adorable nature.

I walked into Nevel's office and found the man sitting at his desk, looking over some folders with curiosity. I asked him, angrily, "Why did you release Lisa Carol?" He looked at me, confused, "Who?" I rolled my eyes, "Lisa Carol. If she's released, then it went through you. Why did you do it? Did her daddy offer you money?" Nevel continued to look at me with a look of confusion on his face. I rolled my eyes and was about to rant before I saw Heather come in, "What's going on?"

Nevel looked at her, "Who is Lisa Carol?…And why did I release her?" Heather glanced at Nevel and then at me. She pulled me to the side, "Um, Spencer, Nevel's been in a car accident. He lost his memory." I glanced at him. There was something different about him. The expressions, the word choices. They weren't Nevel. This wasn't Nevel.

"Oh…sorry, man," I said, reaching to shake his hand, "Spencer Shay." Nevel smiled and then said, slowly, as he shook my hand, "Nev..el Papperman…" I grinned as I pulled my hand away, "Well, sorry for yelling at you…It's not your fault. You don't know anything about it. Silence filled the room and I quickly left, embarrassed.

I went back to my class and resumed teaching. The period soon finished and I laid my head down on my desk. I was tired. Socko went out last night so Angela and I didn't get much sleep…If you know what I mean. I soon fell asleep to the sound of the ticking clock.

_The dark sky did little to cast a shadow over the balcony. Angela was standing there. She was wearing a white dress that reached her knees. There was a giant moon n the sky. I walked over to her and asked, "It's a beautiful night, don't you think?" She glanced at me and nodded as she sipped her wine. She glanced out on the mountain range. I sighed and walked over to her, "…Where's Tom? I didn't see him when you presented your painting." Angela replied, softly, "Sweden…Business meeting…" I frowned as I asked, "He couldn't get out of it?" Angela said, holding back tears, "No…It was an optional trip…But he said that it was more important than my silly art work. A-and it is." My eyes widened at that comment as I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her into an embrace, "That's not true. He should be there for you. Your work is going in a museum, Angie. Everyone can see it and it's going to be around for a long time….This is a great moment for you." Angela looked at me and sighed as she pulled away, "It's just colors on paper…It's not like it's helping anyone." I stared at her, "But it means a lot to you doesn't that matter?" Angela sighed as she stared at the sky._

_"He doesn't deserve you," I commented as I leaned over the balcony. Angela glanced at me, "What do you mean?" I said, "Well, you're always there for him and his job and his wants and needs…But when something like this happens, he's out on business trips…" Angela shrugged, sighing sadly. _

_I sighed as I looked at her, "I've kept something from you….I've kept how I feel a secret because I don't want to interfere with your happiness with Tom. But you're not happy, are you?" Angela looked at me, her eyes wide. I knew that she knew that I was telling the truth, "I…I…" I put a finger to her lips and I caressed her cheek, "You deserve better." Angela looked at me, her eyes growing wider. I then removed my finger and kissed her._

_Angela gasped in surprise as she pulled away from me, "Spencer…I have a husband..." I sighed, "I'm sorry…" Angela looked at me, "Why?" I said, "Because you deserve to feel happy. I can make you happy. If you were with me, I would treat you like you're my whole world. I wouldn't treat you like a trophy or a princess or a doll. I would treat you like a person…the person I wanted to be with." I caressed her cheek, "Angela, Angie, you care about people so much that you won't care for yourself."_

_Angela looked at me and smiled, "Spencer…I don't know…if I should…I don't want to hurt him." I took her hand, "Who cares? He doesn't deserve your kindness…" I then said, "You don't have to be hit to be abused." She looked at me for the longest time before she kissed me._

I woke up to the sound of the bell ringing. I sighed as I started class.

The day passed by slowly before I could finally go home. I walked to my apartment when I noticed that the apartment was dark. I blinked as I yelled out, "Socko! Angela!" I heard Angela's voice, "I'm in the painting room, Spencer." I smiled as I walked into the painting room. I saw Angela in front of a new painting on the wall. She smiled at me as she walked out of the way. I looked at the painting.

It was a sort of abstract art. A red haired woman had her arms wrapped around her swelled stomach. She was naked. Inside the stomach was a curled up baby. The background was a tan brown and sort of sandy.

"It's beautiful," I said, smiling at Angela. My wife walked over to me and whispered, "I love making my art come to life…" I looked at her, wondering what she meant. It finally clicked.

I grinned and I asked with my eyes if I was right. Her eyes said I was. I laughed as I picked her up, "Oh God!" She laughed with me as she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me. "So…so that's why you're acting so out of it?" I asked. She nodded, blushing, "Yeah…Hormones and what not." I laughed and I set her down. I got on my knees and I put my head up against her stomach, "Ah, I think I hear the little guy."

Angela said, amused, "What can you hear? He's the size of a baseball. And it may not even be a he. It could be a she." I shook my head, "Naw…I hear him…He's saying 'Don't put me in dresses…I'm a boy, Mommy…'" Angela rolled her eyes, "You're so immature." I said, "I enjoy being immature…" Angela replied, "I can tell…"

I stood back up. I stared at her, never feeling happier in my entire life. I held her tight, feeling like that I was on top of the world. She hugged me back and I started to hear her cry. "Am I hurting you?" I asked, frowning. I let go of her as she whispered, "No…No, it's just that…I don't know why I'm crying. I'm not sad…I'm…I'm happy…I've never been more happy in my entire life."

I wiped away her tears and kissed her again. I picked her up and carried her into the bedroom. The idea of her being pregnant made me feel so happy and excited. Our emotions took over us and we made love that afternoon. I never imagined myself being a father, but I also never saw myself being a husband. I was watching my life change and I couldn't help but be happy with it. This wasn't something that I wanted, but it was still good and I came to love it.

I heard the door open at around five o'clock and I heard Socko call our names. I felt the scent of Mexican food. I jumped out of bed and pulled on my boxers as I ran into the living room to snatch the Taco Bell bags. I then ran back into my room and tossed a bag to Angela, leaving a bewildered Socko in the living room. "Okay, that wasn't weird or anything," Socko yelled out as he turned on the TV.

Like I said, not what I would imagine. Not what I wanted. But I wouldn't change anything for the world.

_Thanks for reading and I promise you that the next chapter will be a million times better. It's in Sam's POV and it will be a loooong one with bunches of dreams and flashbacks which we all love reading. Read my newest fic and vote on my poll to see who is your favorite OC: Vivian, Angela, Heather, or Jackson. _


	38. My Life Is You

_Sorry for the long wait. I am pretty swamped with school and the play. But, by December, things will be settled down. I hope you enjoy reading._

**To My Reviewers:**

_**sockstar**: ^^ I think Spencer would be a good father because he's able to relate to children. As long as he has someone to supervise him. Chapter Fourty is going to be really good._

_**White Firebird**: I'm glad you are looking forward to it. I can't wait for you guys to read it. _

_**hsjsdhikw**: Updated, just as you wished. Keep on reading. ^^_

_**discostick0shalala**: I try not put in too many flashbacks, so you guys might not be able to see a lot anymore._

_**Crazii-fan4all**: I might not. She's not going to be that big a character. _

_**XxXDukeOfAwesomenessXxX**: Oh, I just started watching that show. I saw the "What A twist" with M. Night Shamalyan and then I read your review and I was like "Oh, I get it!" ^^ Awesome. Like I said, it's a low possibility that any one else will die. But that would be an excellent twist._

_**AlexLuvsAirwalks**: I would love have Spencer as my guardian. ^^ He would be so much fun and I think he would be a very fun father. And I did check out your profile._

_**brightshadow16**: Thanks for reviewing. As for the punishments, I came up with them from inspirations (fanfics, and imagination) But it's not like I sit around and think of these things. I think that there is more to people than what the eye sees._

**Chapter Thirty-Eight: My Life Is You**

_I was curled up in my bed. My five-year-old, small arms were wrapped around my teddy bear, Mr. Gogo. I was laying my in twin bed. The green sheets contrasted with my orange pajamas. It was dark save for the night light in the corner of the room. I wasn't scared of the dark…I just wanted there to be some light to guide my way if I woke up in the middle of the night. Melanie was over at a friend's house for a sleepover. I was alone in our room, asleep, for the moment._

_The door slowly opened and a figure walked into the room. "Sam…Sam.." A soft voice whispered. He walked over to my bed and turned on the lamp. I groaned as I, sleepily, asked, "Daddy? Why did you wake me up?" My father bent down to my level and I could vaguely see bruises all over his face. There was also the strong smell of blood in the air. My father looked at me for a while and stroked my hair, "Dove, I'm…going away." I was too sleepy to respond. I started to fall back asleep. "Do you want to come with me?" I then heard him ask. I shakily shook my head, wanting nothing more than to go back into my sleep. At the time, I thought that he was talking about going out to shop. He slowly kissed my forehead and stood up. "I love you..." He whispered as he left the room. I had fallen asleep before I told him that I loved him back._

_That was the last time I saw my father._

I woke up and looked at the clock. I only slept for an hour. I groaned as I rolled over in my bed. I never noticed how huge it was. I was alone in this bed. All alone. I laid my stomach on the bed and started to cry into the pillow. I barely cry, but when I do it's a nightmare. I hate it when I cry, it makes me look weak and I, Samantha Puckett…No, Samantha Benson, am not weak.

I continued to cry my eyes out into the pillow until there were no more tears left in me. I missed Freddie. He's been gone for almost a week. An entire week without my Freddie. I never realized how much I needed him in my life. He's the only reason I bother to get out of bed in the morning. He's my husband, my soul mate, my best friend, my brother, my lover, my everything.

And now he is gone.

I slowly got out of the bed, knowing that I won't get anymore sleep tonight. It's two in the morning. I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I'm alone. I hate feeling like this. I stumbled out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. I opened the freezer and pulled out some frozen steaks. I went to defrost them, wanting nothing more than to consume meat and wallow in my self-pity.

I honestly thought that Freddie would be back by now. He would knock at my door and beg for me to take him back. I would take him back and we can resume normalcy. But he didn't come back. It made me anxious, wondering when he would come back…If he came back. No, no, no. He'll come back. He has to. He loves me. He loves me and he can't stand to be away from me. He needs me just as much as I need him. We've been through so much together and to think that he would leave me now? The thought made my stomach twist in a pain that I never thought I would have again. I felt the same way when I realized my father left.

I went to cook my steaks, never realizing how cold an empty home is. I went into my bedroom to get my robe and I slipped it on myself. I went back into the kitchen and continued to cook. I then turned on the stereo in the kitchen, wanting the silence to end. It was on a country station and I started to wave my body to the rhythm of the song. I smiled slightly. I loved this song. I haven't heard it seen I was a teenager. I finished cooking and I started eating. I loved the taste of meat on my tongue and in my mouth. How good it felt for that one moment of bliss. I listened to the song, whispering the words. I forgot for that one moment that Freddie left me. I then remembered and I started crying.

I had to go get out of the apartment. I finished my dinner-breakfast, whatever it was, and I went into my room. I picked out an outfit and went into the bathroom. I got into the shower and I took the longest one I thought I could. I scrubbed every part of my body until the skin was near raw. Why? I had to. I had to release my anger out on something. I winced in pain as my skin started to bleed. I stopped scrubbing myself and I finished my shower.

Half an hour later, I looked at the clock in the living room. It was four in the morning. I sighed as I sat down on the couch and turned on the TV. I smirked slightly, seeing that one of the more violent Law & Order was on. That's the only serious show that I can get myself into. I smirk grew wider as I saw that insufferable Olivia Benson get her ass kicked by this prison guard. She had to be my least favorite character on the show. I've seen this episode before. It's one from a few years ago.

I felt myself become even more excited by the violence. A good fight always excited me. When I was little, in that stage where I cried, Mom just placed me in front of the TV and I watched a wrestling match. The blood, the sweat, the tears of a fight always calmed me down and then got me excited and ready to hit someone. I most of the time, it was Melanie. She was weak, girly, and a pacifist. She was the best person to hit. I loved giving her a fist to the face and she would never ever fight back. Mom would just laugh in amusement as she watched us. She thought Melanie was a strong kid. Melanie wasn't strong, she was smart as Einstein, but she wasn't strong.

When Melanie said that she liked Freddie, I wanted to slap her into next week. I wanted to take her by her ponytail, yank it, and tell her to stay away. One, because it was a waste of time. Freddie was so in love with Carly. Two, because I thought of him as a dork. And even though Melanie was one of my worst enemies, I wouldn't want her to date a dork. Three, because I had this urge inside me to drive off any girl who wanted to be with Freddie.

After we started going out, I started being scared, terrified, of any woman who he was in contact with. Women who were taller, prettier, smarter, thinner, funnier, who had larger breasts, kinder, sweeter. Women who had everything that I couldn't have. Carly would tell me that I was paranoid. Am I? I could see Freddie looking at other girls. That's why I told him not to talk to other girls. Doesn't he see that I'm protecting him? They don't love him, they'll just manipulate him. They'll cheat on him, they'll screw him over, and they'll play him for a fool. I never did that. They would turn him against me…Like Carly did.

Carly, my best friend, convinced Freddie that I didn't love him. She told him to leave me. She brainwashed him, she turned everything upside down. Stupid, stupid Carly. She had no idea what she was doing to our relationship. She had no right to do what she did. I knew the minute that the cops came to my house and slapped the cuffs on me that Carly had something to do with this. I hated her for the longest time until she helped me. Our sisterly bond was strong enough for her to try to fix what she broke.

I glanced around the living room and noticed some red spots on the carpet. They were small, so that's probably why I wasn't aware of them before. "Freddie!" I snapped. I was about to tell him to clean it up, but I remembered that he wasn't here. I sighed as I got off the couch and went to clean it up myself. The spots faintly smelled of blood. I felt my stomach do flip-flops. When I black out, I hardly remember what goes on. Some of the worst stuff I do to Freddie happens in that time period. I remember one time I had gotten out of the black out and I found myself in the waiting room of the O.R. The doctor told me that Freddie had fallen through Spencer's glass sculpture of Seattle and a shard nearly punctured his lung.

It was when Carly was alive. It was maybe a month before she went into the hospital for the last time. Early September. She was sitting beside me. She believed me when I said that I didn't remember, so she filled me in. Freddie and I had been arguing and in retaliation, I pushed him into Spencer's sculpture. We told Spencer that Freddie just tripped and fell. He was angry that his sculpture was ruined, but he was happy that Freddie turned out okay. There's a bad scar on Freddie's chest from the "accident"

Usually I black out for a few hours, maybe a day. But one time, I blacked out for three whole months. It was the summer between junior and senior year. I wanted to know what happened. What did I do? But Freddie wouldn't tell me and neither would Carly. Freddie said that he didn't blame me and he wanted to forget it. But he never went to my house after that. I had to get an apartment of my own so he could come over and visit me. The only clues I had was the pieces of a ripped up journal that Freddie kept and Freddie's appearance after I came back to reality.

Freddie was paled, scared up, and nearly as thin as Carly was. Every now and then, I would find a scar that I couldn't remember giving him. And the look in his eyes. I never saw anyone more terrified of me. I must have really screwed him up to have him look at me with such fear. He eventually got over it and he said that he would never think of it again. We never did a true iCarly after that. Most of it was a show, it was fake. Carly wasn't happy enough to truly enjoy what we were doing. I couldn't help her because I felt so awkward around her. Freddie was the one who tried to keep it together. He didn't show his face on camera a lot, so the fans didn't know how our show was slowly losing its innocence and happiness.

I tried to look through Freddie's computer for old iCarly archives for that summer. I needed clues on what sort of person I was during that time. I looked the same. Same old Sam. I was on cloud nine, joking, vibrant, I was full of life. I didn't see a change between me before and me after. But I could tell that Carly saw something different. I saw that our playing was forced on her side. She would steal glances at me with a look of disbelief, pity, and hatred. I never saw her look like that before. It wasn't like this was our first fight, but I never had done anything before to earn that look of hatred.

I finished my thoughts and the cleaning after half an hour. I sat back down on the couch, wondering what to do. I guess that around seven o'clock, I would go see the Gingerbread Lady and stuff myself on some mouth-watering sweets for a while. I don't want to stay out that long in case Freddie came back…I might as well make an appearance at school so Nevel doesn't blow a gasket.

I started to think about Freddie again. He's haunting my thoughts and I begin to wonder where he is…What is he doing?…Who is he with?…All this thoughts enter my mind and I grow anxious. He needed to be here with me. We need to be together. We haven't even been married a month and he's left me. Did he even want to get married to begin with? The thought of him not wanting to be with me made me feel sick. I love him so much. I love every thing about him. I love the way he made me feel and all the things he would do for me. I smiled as I went into the bedroom to get something he gave me. I went into the closet and got out a box. I opened it to pull out some papers. Love letters that he wrote me during high school. They were also letters of promises. He wrote about what sort of life he and I would have in the future. When we married, when we had children, a sort of happily ever after lifestyle. I started to read a few of them. One of my favorites was the one he wrote for my birthday a few years ago.

_Sam,_

_Happy birthday, angel. It's your sixteenth birthday and I know how much you girls love them. Now, I know that you don't like surprises, which is exactly why I'm going to surprise you soon. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but you're going to be surprised. I can't believe that we've known each other for eleven years and I didn't know when your birthday was until now and actually cared. I want to spend this day with you and take you out to somewhere better than the Cheesecake Warehouse. I love everything about you and I want to give you everything. Be patient, even though that's impossible for you, and wait because I will make your dreams come true_

_Freddie_

_P.S. Look in your locker._

I remembered that inside the locker was a bouquet of blue roses along with a silver dress. Freddie had taken me out to this fancy French restaurant that weekend. It was one of the most romantic weekends of my life. I love everything that Freddie does for me. And he does it because he loves me so much. Which is why he needs to be here with me.

I put the box of love letters back in the closet and checked the clock. It was a quarter to eight. I might as well call Spencer and tell him that I wasn't coming to work until later. I picked up the phone and dialed his cell. He answered it, "Hello?" I answered, "Hey, Spencer. I'm not coming to work until second period." Spencer said, "Okay. I'll tell Nevel…By the way, did you hear about him?" I asked, "About what? Did he finally shoot himself, miss, and hit a squirrel?" Spencer chuckled before saying, "He got into a car accident and his memory is wiped clean." I felt myself smirk, getting an idea in my head, "Did he now?" Spencer answered, "Yeah. He doesn't remember anything." I sighed, "Alright. See you later, Spencer." We exchanged goodbyes and hung up.

Maybe something good will come out of coming to school today.

I made my way out of the apartment and left the building. I walked down the street to the Gingerbread Lady's bakery. I opened the door and found her at the register. I walked up to her, "Hey…Morning." She glanced up at me with a look of sadness in her eyes. "Are you okay?" I asked, concerned. She shrugged, "…He left his girlfriend…" I knew who she was talking about. That guy she had feelings for. "Oh…I thought that was good," I said. Gingerbread Lady explained, "He moved out of her home, but I have no idea where he is. I doubt that I'm going to be the person he goes to." I frowned as I decided to open up to her as well, "…My boyfriend left me a week ago." She looked at me, sympathetically, "Oh…I'm so sorry…" I quickly said, "But he'll be back. We just need time apart." She nodded in understanding. We looked at each other and she smiled, "You know what cures most boy problems?" I smiled back, "Do tell me." She laughed, "Fudge and chick flics, Tuli. And unfortunately, this is not a movie theatre, so here's some of my fudge." She pulled out a pan of fudge squares from the display case, "On the house."

I smiled as I took a square and she did as well. She pushed her square against mine in a mock toast, "To loving and losing." I added, "And gaining." We took a bit of the fudge. I groaned in pleasure, "Mmm…This is so good. So much chocolate." Gingerbread Lady blushed in modesty as she finished her fudge square, "Thanks…" I smiled at her.

Gingerbread Lady is the closest thing I have to a best friend. She's kind, she's funny, she's smart. She reminds me of Carly so much and I feel like I can tell her anything. And I want to know her more. Including her name. She looks like a Selene or a Jasmine. Something in the medium of normal and exotic names.

"So, why aren't you at work?" The Gingerbread Lady asked. I sighed, "I don't want to go until later. I can't really teach when I feel like I'm about to burst into tears every few minutes." She looked at me with concern before asking, "Do you want to talk about it?" I sighed. Of course, I couldn't tell her everything. She wouldn't understand. But I had to tell someone.

I told her, "I did something bad. It hurt him a lot and he left. He just needs time to cool off. He loves me, so he'll be back soon. At by the end of next week." Gingerbread Lady smiled at me and hugged me over the counter. She smelt of sugar. "I'm sorry." She said, pulling away. She asked, "What did you do?" I squirmed slightly, not knowing what to tell her. She shook her head, "You don't have to tell me. I understand."

I sighed in relief and asked, "So…your guy. What are you going to do about him?" She shrugged, "I don't know…As long as he's okay, I'm fine with whatever he does. As long as he's away from his wife…" I widened my eyes, "Wife? I thought that she was his girlfriend." She squirmed uncomfortably, "Well…He married her a while ago." I looked at her with eyes that were full of disbelief. I mean, it's one thing that she was his girlfriend. But to be in love with a married man…That's something entirely different.

The Gingerbread Lady looked at me, "I know how it sounds, but I can't control myself. And even if a relationship between us doesn't work, I want him away from that woman. She doesn't care about him. I'm sure that if he just fell off the face of the Earth, she would laugh." I shrugged, "Alright…Just try not to do anything while he's still married. My mother said that if he would cheat with you, he would cheat on you." She smiled slightly at that statement, "I have heard that before." I checked my watch, "I better get to school. See you later…" I went to leave. "Good luck on your guy," The Gingerbread Lady called out, smiling. I looked back at her, "You too." I smiled as I left.

I quickly hailed a cab and got into it. I gave the cabbie the address of the school and let myself be driven to the school. After fifteen minutes, I reached the school. I quickly went up to Nevel's office. I saw Heather at the secretary desk. She looked sad. Of course she was sad. I could see it in her eyes. She looked like she wanted to cry. Her hair was also messy and she always took care of her hair. It's one of the things I envied about her. Yet, I couldn't blame her for being sad.

I mean, if Freddie lost his memory and forgot that I love him, I would be sad, too.

"Hey, Heather," I said, announcing my presence. She looked up at me, "Oh, hey, Sam…Shouldn't you be teaching?" I smirked slightly, "Not anymore…" I slipped into Nevel's office before Heather could ask anything more. The nub known as Nevel was at his desk. He was leaning back in his swivel chair. He had a look of peace on his face. "Hello," I said, smiling. He looked at me, "…" I took his hand and shook it, "Sam Benson. I heard that you lost your memory." Nevel nodded, "Yeah…Heather mentioned you. You're one of the teachers aren't you?" I sat down on the chair across from him, "Yes, but I was wondering if you remembered about my promotion…" Nevel raised his eyebrow in confusion, "Promotion?"

I smiled and nodded. I was always a very good liar, "Yes. You wanted to promote me to…" Screw member of the board. I'm going to the top…"Head of the Board of Directors for the Academy." Yes, that sounds about right. Nevel blinked and shrugged, "Okay…Is there a form I need to fill out?" He bought it. He's such an idiot, even after losing his memory. "Ask Heather about it." I said, standing up. Nevel nodded before calling out, "Heather, could you come in here, please?" I snorted slightly. If Nevel wanted someone, he would yell out, "Heather, get in here, now!" This Nevel seemed so polite. Genuinely polite, not creeper polite. Heather came into the room, "Yes, Mr. Papperman." There was silence for a moment before Nevel blinked, "Oh, that's me…Um, Heather, Mrs. Benson said something about me having her promoted to the Head of The Board of Directors for the Academy." Heather's eyes widened as she looked at me with a "Are you serious?" look on her face. I just smiled. Heather sighed, "Alright….I'll go get the necessary paperwork." She soon left the room.

This is great. I'll have the job I deserve, which is a basically do nothing job. All I would do is boss people around and I love doing that. And not to mention the pay rise. I can get out of that apartment, buy a two story house in the suburbs, with a pool in the backyard, and a freaking blood red Ferrari in the driveway. Fantasies ran through my mind as I imagined these thing happening.

If only Freddie was here to share them with me.

The surroundings started to blur as I thought about it. Freddie needs to be here. He's not here…Why isn't he back? What's keeping him away from me? He must have run out of money by now….Unless…Unless he's with someone. A rich bitch that has a thing for boys like him. Pampering him like a spoiled child. I could imagine it now. If that was true…If that was true, I swear to God, I will cut him. I will show him the meaning of pain. I will make sure that he will beg for forgiveness. I love it when he screams for forgiveness. He barely screams, but when he does…Oh God, I get such a thrill, it's like coming out on top after a fight. It's like my blood is on fire and I can't stop.

But…there are times when I want to…

_Thanks for reading and please review. Next POV is Freddie and the more reviews I get, the longer I will make it._


	39. City Of Sin

_I'm back with chapter thirty nine. I hope you guys enjoy it._

**To My Reviewers:**

_**brightshadow16**: Thanks for saying so. Sam is one of favorite characters to write because there are so many layers to her besides being the tough and agressive tomboy._

_**White Firebird**: Thanks for reviewing. A lot of people want Sam and Freddie to be back together...But we'll just have to see. ^^_

_**sockstar**: Right now there isn't even suspisions, so they might not find out soon...or at all..._

_**XxXDukeOfAwesomenessXxX: **Thanks for reviewing and no I think that the next new episode comes on this weekend, I think. _

_**xTheDarkPrincess02x**: Thanks for reading, it's always nice to have a fan like you._

_**MissSteffy**: I like to create original stories. After all, what's the point of writing a story that's already been written. Thanks for reading and reviewing._

_**Kirsti-Anna3567**: I like how Nevel's sort of the relief in the story. That's not a lot of angst when it comes to him. Thanks for reading and I hope not to disapoint you._

___**discostick0shalala: **Sam is very troubled, as you can tell, and will go very far to exercise her anger and whether or not she has control is sometihng to be debated._

___**Crazii-fan4all:** It is updated, my friend._

_**AlexLuvsAirwalks**: I don't think it'll leave damage, so go for it if you want to. Keep on reading and I'll keep on updating._

_**what_lurks_beneath**: I'm sorry about that. I hope things get better. :( Annoyingly happy stories irritates me. I like a book with at least a little bit of angst. I hope you keep on reading and reviewing._

**_-Seddie-Rulez-:_** _You got that right, smart one. ^^ Keep on reading._

_**Roseheart**: Thanks for reviewing. I like how you point out little things that not a lot of people notice or recognize. I hope you keep reading and reviewing and that this chapter does not disapoint._

_  
_

**Chapter Thirty-Nine: City of Sin**

I opened my eyes as I looked around. I saw my stepfather next to me. He was wearing a bathrobe and the newspaper was in his hand. He hasn't changed since the last time I saw him. He still had messy black hair, angry eyes, and that disgusting disfigurement on his face. He opened the door to the house and stared at me, "Well, come on in…" He went inside the house.

I sighed as I got off the swing and went inside the house. It was a beautiful home, like something out of _Better Homes And Gardens Magazine_. It was clean and it smelt of bleach and Frebreeze. Lewbert turned to the staircase and screeched again, "Marissa!" I then heard my mother, "I just got out of the shower, honey! I'll be down in a minute." Lewbert grunted as he sat down in the living room and opened the paper. Hesitantly, I sat down on the couch. Lewbert glanced up from his paper and stared at me.

I looked down, self-consciously. "…Cheated on her again, did you?" Lewbert asked, referring to the bruises.. I glared at him, offended. Lewbert smirked at my reaction and turned back to the paper. I faintly heard the sound of a hair dryer. Then a door opening. Closing. Feet going down the stairs. "Now, what's the matter?" I heard my mother ask as she went into the living room.

She stopped short as she saw me. She looked at me with a look of surprise. I smiled slightly, "Hi, Mom…" She let out a cry as she ran over to me, "Oh sweet Jesus! My baby!" She hugged me and pulled me up, "Oh, my sweet little boy. It's been so long!" I winced slightly as she put pressure on some of my wounds, but it still felt good to be hugged by her, "It's nice to see you, too." She pulled away, "Oh, let's look at you." She took my hand and raised my arm as she looked over me, "Oh, look at you. You are absolutely filthy. When's the last time you took a shower? And your clothes…These are the same that you wore in high school. Where's your self-respect? Oh, and you've gotten so thin…" I muttered under my breath, "Not really…"

My mother then put her hand on my cheek, caressing it. She looked at me with a look of sadness, "My…my baby…It's been so long…You need a tick bath." I groaned at that, "Mom. I'm a grown man. I don't need a tick bath." Lewbert added, "Well, they say that if you lie with dogs, you get ticks." He laughed, obnoxiously at his joke. I balled my fists at the joke, offended by it. I have had enough. "This was a stupid idea," I said as I went to leave the house. My mother kept her firm grip on my wrist, "No, don't go. Lewbert doesn't mean anything by it…Just, go take a shower, baby, and I'll cook you something to eat." I sighed, "Alright…" She smiled at me as she pointed upstairs, "Last door on the-" I interrupted her, "I remember where the bathroom is." She sighed and said, "Okay…There's clothes in your old bedroom." I nodded, "Thanks."

I went up the stairs and I started to hear Lewbert. "He's not going to lay one hand on the remote." I heard him say. I sighed as I opened the door to my old bedroom. I haven't been to this bedroom in years, ever since I was eighteen.

I had left Sam a few days after graduation. The pain of Carly's death really started kicking in and I couldn't deal with Sam anymore. I left to Nevada. Unfortunately, I hated being in the same room as my stepfather more than I hated being in pain. After a few days, I went back to Washington. I didn't tell her that I had gone to Mom's. Sam promised me that she would never hurt me again if I promised that I would never leave her again.

Three weeks later, I went to the hospital after I "fell down the stairs" and broke four of my ribs.

I looked around my room and opened the closet. I pulled out some clothes and I went into the bathroom. I took off my shirt and that's when I noticed the full-length mirror in the bathroom. I took a closer look at the bruises on my chest. They were all a mixture of colors like a sick painting. They made my skin look even whiter. The only things that looked better were my eyes. They were gaining back their usual white color. I sighed as I unbuttoned my jeans and slipped them down. The harsh sound of metal hitting linoleum caught my attention. I pulled the hip flask out and set it on the counter in the bathroom. I turned the water on in the shower and started to wash the dirtiness off my body. I winced as I realized that some of the pain was really kicking in now. My back was stinging, my stomach felt like it was on fire, and the bruises on my body really hurt.

After half an hour, I got out of the shower and dried myself. I started to put on my clothes afterwards. As I slipped on my jeans, I frowned at the difficulty I had buttoning them. I sucked in my stomach, but it did little to help. I found my self squirming and jumping like a teenage girl trying to fit into the cutest pants at the store. Finally, I got the jeans on. Sam was right. I am gaining weight and getting fat.

I sighed as I left the bathroom, deciding to leave my old clothes in the bathroom. I walked downstairs to the dining room. You would have thought that Mom was cooking for a family of twelve the amount of food she had on the table. She and Lewbert were at the table and I sat down near my mother. "So, what do you want?" Lewbert asked. I have to say that he can really get to the point. My mother glared at him, "Don't be so rude." Lewbert asked, mockingly, "Oh, excuse me? I hurt the poor boy's feelings? I am so sorry." Mom sighed as she continued to eat. I poked around at my food. I wasn't that hungry. I'm not a real breakfast person and I need my alcohol to jumpstart my appetite.

My mother put her hand on my shoulder, "You don't have to tell us…" I looked at her and sighed, "I need some time away from Sam…" My mother sighed in relief, "Good…Good, good. Well, you can stay here for as long-" I interrupted her, "No, I wasn't wondering if you could loan me some money." Lewbert grunted in satisfaction as he smirked at me. My mother looked at me, "Money? You know that I can't trust you with money. You'll end up buying some fancy laptop." I nodded, slightly. There again was Mom…making every decision for me.

"Just stay here for a few days," my mother said, placing her hand on my shoulder. Her voice said "That really wasn't an offer. You're going to stay here because I'm your mother and I know what is good for you." I groaned, "Ugh…Fine…" Lewbert glanced at my mother who in return shot daggers at him. I went to get my drink and I heard my mother, "Freddie…Is that a wedding band?" I looked down at my ring finger. I still had my gold wedding band on it, "Yes…"

"FREDWARD BENSON! YOU GOT MARRIED AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME ABOUT IT?!" My mother demanded to know. Her harsh voice shook the bottom of my soul as I looked away from her. "Pretty much…" I said, tenderly, while Lewbert was laughing in his seat at the scene. An atmosphere of anger came from my mother so I decided to stand up and leave the room. "Sit down," She said, sternly. I, immediately, sat down at her command. "Roll over," Lewbert joked. "Leave," My mother said, glaring at Lewbert. He smirked as he stood up and left the room with his plate of food. "Why did you not tell me?" She asked. "Because this was how you would react," I explained to her. My mother said, angrily, "What do you expect? How could you be so stupid, Freddie?"

I looked down, timidly. I shrugged, "Well…we've been together for over five years…" My mother said, like I was an idiot, "She is insane, Freddie." I shook my head in denial, "No, Mom. She's not crazy. I love her." She replied, "That woman is dangerous. All she does is hurt you. You could have-" She was interrupted by a voice.

"Freddie's here?"

I turned to the direction of the voice. It was by the staircase. I saw her. Valerie. We exchanged looks and she smiled. She went down the stairs and walked over to me. She hugged me, "Freddie…Little brother…" I blushed slightly. That was her nickname for me when we became stepsiblings. "Val, you're only one year older than me…" I commented, looking at her. She didn't change a lot except for the fact that there was something different about her. Maybe it was her turtleneck. The Valerie I knew never wore turtlenecks. "Valerie, go back to your room," My mom said, still angry with me. "I'm twenty-two, Marissa, I don't take orders from you," Valerie said coolly as she let me go. She looked me over and sighed, "Freddie…I'm so happy that you're back…" She then took my hand and looked at my wedding ring. Her eyes lightened in surprise and she began to fake a smile, "Who…who is the lucky girl?" Like she didn't already suspect it. "Sam…" I answered. Valerie closed her eyes and sighed, "Freddie…Freddie….How could you be so stupid?" I groaned that this deju vu. I wasn't in the mood for this. "Mom, Valerie, why are you two acting like this?" I asked. They then looked at each other and then at me. "She's a psycho," Valerie said, "She hurts you. She abuses you. Do you not remember that or has she hurt you so much that you can't even remember? We haven't heard from you in over a year….I thought that something happened." I shook my head as I realized that I had to get out of this. "She's stopped…" I lied. My mother raised her eyebrow, "Stopped?" I nodded, "Yeah, yeah. She doesn't hurt me anymore…She's…taking these…anger management classes. She really loves me. That's why she took those classes."

They both looked like they wanted to believe me, so they just smiled and sighed with relief. My mother asked, "But why are you here? Are you and Sam having troubles?" I lied, "We just need a break from each other." Valerie then asked, "What about the bruises?" Damn, I forgot about those. I said, "I fell down the stairs." They looked at me with the eyes that wanted to believe my story. Valerie said, "Well, if Marissa and Dad are letting me stay here, they should let you stay." I nodded, "That's fine with me…I won't stay longer than I have to, though." Marissa looked at the direction of the living room, "Honey, you should be going to work!" Lewbert cried out in irritation before going upstairs. Mom smiled as she looked at the two of us, "I have to go to work, too. Are you fine by yourselves?" Valerie nodded, "Yeah…Freddie and I need to catch up." Mom smiled and then went to clean up breakfast. Valerie grabbed a plate as she cleaned up and started eating. Mom left the room, humming softly.

"Let's go into the living room," Valerie said as she looked at me. "Okay," I said as we left the room. We both sat down at the couch. "How have you been?" I asked, eager to get the attention away from me. Valerie shrugged, "I've been okay…Unlucky in love, but other than that, I'm fine." I smiled at her as I moved closer to her. She felt warm and for some reason, I was getting cold. Valerie asked, "So why haven't you called us?" I sighed and lied, "Oh, well, I've been very busy lately…"

The truth was a mixture. Partially, I didn't want to talk to my mother. The other reason was a sort of unspoken rule that Sam had. Sort of like me being trapped in the apartment. No, trapped is the wrong word…If you are content where you are, is it still trapped?…Hm…Anyway, I don't really call anyone. Sam threatened that she would check the phone bill randomly to see if I was calling anyone she didn't approve of. One of those people was my mother.

There was an awkward pause before Valerie said, "I'm not going to stay here long…I'm only staying here until I find a place of my own. I just finished college." I smiled at her, "Congratulations. What did you major in?" Valerie smiled, "Business. I want to be a CEO…What about you? Are you going to film school?" I shook my head, "No, I'm not…I want to, but Sam and I can't afford it." Valerie said, "I'm sure that Marissa will loan you money." I shook my head, "No…I couldn't ask her to do that." I didn't want to ask her for more money than I had to. I still had a bit of pride in myself.

Valerie had changed from our first meeting. She no longer was a selfish backstabber. Her mother's death gave her a wake-up call. She became nice and sweet. She was actually a pretty good person. We started to become pretty good friends. But that old Valerie will always be there. She will resort to immoral means to get what she wants.

Valerie finished her breakfast and went into the kitchen. I sighed as I got off the couch and went up to my bedroom. I went inside to look around. I sat down on my made bed and fell back on the pillow. I took in my surroundings and rolled over so that I was facing the left wall. I felt so comfortable. I heard a knock on my door. I heard Valerie, "Freddie?" I asked, "Yes?" She said, "I'm going out to run some errands…Will you be okay here by yourself?" I said, "Yes." She then replied, "I'll be out until one. Do you want me to pick you up some lunch?" I said, "No, I don't want anything for lunch…" She paused a bit before saying, "Okay…See you later." I heard her walk away.

I sighed as I began thinking about my family. My father, to be more specific. He died years ago. It was a car accident. He left my mother when I was ten. My mother and I took back her maiden name, Benson. His name was Connor Masters. His name sounded like he was some sort of rich socialite, but he was far from it. He wasn't a snob. And he wasn't mean, unless he was drunk. He was always there to protect me from my mother's insane rules and theories about cleanliness.

_"Messy, messy, messy…"_

I don't remember a lot of my father. He started drinking when I was four years old and he never wanted to spend time from me. I remember one day, when I was four. He had bought me a puppy, against my mom's wishes. He and I played with it all afternoon. He told me that he was going to convince Mom that it was okay and how happy the puppy made me. I was so excited. Mom came home from work…

_"Get that disgusting creature out of here!"_

"_For God sake's Marissa, it's a god damn pet. It's not like Freddie's going to get hepatitis from it." _

Mom kicked the dog out of the apartment and had the doorman take it back to the pet store. They had a loud and long argument that kept me up all night. Dad then went out to a bar and came back with enough vodka fill a fountain. He started to let Mom keep her grip over me and my life. He finally had enough of Mom, so he left. Mom fought for full custody and I only went to see Dad every other weekend. But Mom made me…she made me feel so guilty about seeing Dad…I finally said that I didn't want to see him anymore. Then he died…It wasn't that Dad was abusive. Don't get me wrong. Dad never laid a hand on me or my mother. He was just…mean…uncaring…when he was drunk. Especially to me.

_"I can't hear you…I can't hear you…I can't hear you…I can't hear you…"_

I had to stop thinking about him. I could feel the tears in my eyes when I thought about him. I could never talk about my father to anyone. I had counselors ask about him, but I never told him about what sort of man he was. He was one of those people that you start to hate, but then he does something so kind that I feel awful that I would even begin to hate him.

I got off the bed and walked over to my bookcase. I looked around it and pulled off a book. I back down on the bed and started to read. It was one of those gothic fairy tales. Sam loved these. I sent her this book while she was in jail. She said that she read it every day. Sam was so weird during that time period. She got all…romantic and cultured. She wrote these letters to me while she was in jail. Carly would rip most of them up before I got the chance to read them, but they seemed to have been written by another person.

When I went back to her, I made her swear to never hurt me again. But that time was different. I forced her to take medication. Dynexifex. That's what it was called. One pill every twelve hours, every day, with warm water. But it was a trial drug…There were problems that the doctor didn't tell her about…

I felt the room blur around me and I began to close my eyes. I began to doze off. I felt my fingers lose their grip on the book. It slid down to my chest and I heard the thump of it falling on the floor. I laid down on the bed. My head rested on the pillow and I moved myself under the sheets. As soon as I got comfortable, I fell asleep. I then slipped into my dream world.

_I was in a bedroom. It was a light yellow color on the walls. I looked around and I saw her sitting there. She was wearing a light blue dress, a frilly one. She was wearing black Mary Janes and white tights. Her face was pale with red lipstick. Her hair was nice and curly and bound tightly. She looked at me and blushed. I sat down next to her and put my hand on her cheek. She started to pull away. I frowned as I grabbed her wrist and placed my lips on her hand. She yanked the hand away and got off the bed. She walked over to the corner of the room. I went to follow her, but she disappeared._

I woke up an hour later. I found that I was twisted in the sheets and my pillow was on the floor. I bent down over the bed to pick it up and I set it on the bed. I got out of the bed and I ran my fingers through my hair. I walked out of my room and down the stairs. I sat down in the living room and sat down. God, I'm bored…

Valerie came back a half an hour later with some bags. She set it in the living room and looked at me, "You okay, Freddie?" I shrugged, "Somewhat." She smiled slightly as she grabbed my wrist and pulled me up, "Ever been to the casinos?" I shook my head, "No." She grinned as she pulled me out of the house and got into her car. I got in it with her. I wasn't sure what she intended to happen. Maybe she wanted to make me feel better. She turned on her radio and drove down the road.

"So, Freddie, you're still into that Shakespeare?" Valerie asked, trying to make conversation. "Yes," I told her. There was a pause before Valerie said, "MacBeth is playing at the theatre near one of the casinos and it reminded me of you…Maybe we can go see it together." I looked at her and smiled, "Like old times." Valerie shrugged and said, "New times, Freddie. I don't like thinking about the past." I frowned at her tone and stared at the road. Valerie drove into the city and parked in a parking lot. It was around mid afternoon at this time. But still, there were bright lights and the sounds of chatter going through the city.

She took me inside the casino and went to get some chips. I glanced around at the slot machines and poker tables. I then noticed the large bar in the corner of the casino. I smirked, feeling the urge to drink a martini dryer than the Sahara. Valerie came back with the chips and said, "You look like a Blackjack guy." I shook my head, "No. I don't gamble." She laughed, "Baby, you're in Vegas now. You have to gamble." She dragged me to a table and sat me down. I knew the basic game of it, so I was willing to at least give this insane plan a chance. I bet $20, wondering if I would win. The dealer gave me a ten of clubs and a two of hearts. "Hit me," I told the man. A six of hearts. That means "18"…I was about to say, "Stay", but I heard, "Hit me," slip out of my mouth. Valerie glanced at me with disapproval.

A three of spades.

"Blackjack," The dealer said, handing me a bunch of chips. "Whoa, for your first time," Valerie said, impressed. I smiled at the amount of money I had now, "Yeah, well-"

"Yo, Freddie?! Is that you?" I heard someone say. I turned around and wouldn't you believe it, there was Whitney. He walked up to me as I stood up. "Hey, man, how's it going?" He asked me. "Fine, what are you doing here?" I asked. Whitney said, "I'm here for the free cheese sticks. Why do you think I'm here? I'm here for the moolah, the mighty dollar, cold hard cash. And the ladies, too." He laughed and noticed Valerie looking at him. "Oh, I don't believe that I've made your acquaintance." He took her hand and shook it, "Whitney's the name." She smirked, "Valerie. I take it that you're a friend of Freddie's."

Whitney smiled, charmingly, "We met in Oregon. Poor guy passed out in a bar." She looked at me with her eyebrow raised, "Freddie, you drink?" I rubbed the back of my neck, nervously, "Yeah…" Whitney laughed, "Wow, did I just let the cat out of the bag? Oh, well, what's done is done. So is this your lady?" Valerie shook her head, "No, step sister." Whitney nodded, understanding, "Ah…Well, you know what. I'm heading over to a friend's place. I'll be back at seven. Why don't we go out for drinks and Freddie will show you how he can knock back seven shots of vodka?" Valerie laughed, uncomfortably, "Um, well, I'm not sure that we can-" I interrupted her, "Yeah, we'll make it." Whitney waved at us before leaving.

"Fredward? What's this about you drinking?" Valerie asked. I sighed, "Valerie, it's not that big a deal. I don't drink a lot…It's social, if anything." Valerie stared at me, "You know that your mother isn't going to like this." I shot a glare at her, "I really don't care what she thinks about it. I'm a grown man. I can do what I want." She rolled her eyes, "Freddie…Silly little Freddie…" I hate how Valerie treats me like a child. I went to the bar, leaving Valerie at the blackjack table. I sat down at the bar and ordered a martini. I finished the glass within a few minutes.

"I just got a call from your mother," I heard Valerie say as she approached me, "She wants you home." I groaned as I got up from the barstool, "Finally." She took me to cash my chips and took me back to my mother's home. I offered the money to Valerie, but she refused it. I could tell that she was a bit ticked off with me, but she'll get over it.

I went into the house and found my mother in the living room, vacuuming the carpet. I snuck by her and went upstairs to my room. I closed the door behind me and sat down on the bed. If I was going out tonight, I had to wear something more stylish than a Polo shirt and khakis. I look like I live with my mother…I looked around my closet and found a leather jacket. I threw it on the bed and grabbed a pair of ripped jeans. I got out a white shirt as well. I began to take off my clothes and I put on my new ones. These fit a bit better, but not by much. I better skip dinner. My growling stomach must have read my thoughts because it roared in protest. "Shut up," I muttered, slapping my stomach into submission. I winced as I hit a tender part where Sam had hit me.

I had a few hours until I had to leave, so I went downstairs to the living room. "Fredward Benson," I heard my mother say as she turned off the vacuum cleaner. I turned to her, "What?" She looked me over, "I know that you're not going out wearing that. You look like a hooligan." I rolled my eyes, "Whatever, Mom." My mother looked at me sternly before she put the vacuum cleaner up. I went to sit down on the couch and I turned on the TV. She sat down next to me, "Freddie, I'm sorry if I sound harsh, it's just that I want what's best for you." I glanced at her and then back at the television, pretending to watch it. "How was the wedding?" My mother asked, casually. "Wonderful," I replied, not wanting to talk to her about it. "…I imagine that Sam pushed you into it," She added. I glared at her, "No. I wanted to marry her. I love her. We're going to spend our lives together." My mother asked, "And what sort of life are you going to have with that woman? A sweet boy like you and trash like her do not belong together." I said, angrily, "Don't call her trash. She's not trash." My mother said as she stood up, "Freddie, I'm your mother. I know what is best for you." I then snapped, "And I suppose that me staying here as your perfect little boy is what's best for me. Well, I'm sorry, Mom, but that's not happening." My mother huffed as she left the living room. I laid down on the couch, feeling lazy. It felt nice to have this little break. Usually, I had to clean and cook for Sam.

Three hours past quietly and I finally left the house with Valerie. She finally resumed being friendly, so I guess that things are good between us two. We went to the casino we went to before and we met Whitney there. I went to the bar and Whitney challenged me to a drinking contest.

I…I can't remember what happened after that.

_Thank for reading and please review. Since my play is opening soon, I might not get chatper fourty up until late Novemeber or early December. So, until then...live long and prosper._


	40. The Fourth Circle

_I'm really sorry for making you guys wait. :( I'm also sorry for not responding to your reviews. I have been very busy. Chapter Forty-One, I will respond. Thank you guys for all your support. *hugs*_

**Chapter Forty: The Fourth Circle**

_Dear Diary,____________________________________________________________November 17,2009_

_I failed another test in Science class…I don't know how I'm going to pass this year. Spencer is really angry with me. He's banned me from doing iCarly for the rest of the year. He said that he was disappointed in me and that my father was angry with me, too. I don't know how Sam is going to do iCarly without me. She might have to ask Wendy to do it with her. Freddie offered to tutor me, but Spencer won't let me. He says that I'll get distracted since Freddie's my friend. That is so stupid. I mean, Freddie's not distracting. He's just interesting to observe in a semi-private setting, like my bedroom. Spencer says that all I need to do is to concentrate._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,____________________________________________________________November 24, 2009_

_We just got out of school for Thanksgiving break. I'm really excited about it. I'm going to ask Spencer if Dad's going to come home. He's been out at sea for so long. I really missed him. I haven't talk to him in the longest time. I haven't seen him for even longer. It's going to be the first time that we're all going to be together as a family. Sam says that she and Freddie are going to have Thanksgiving dinner at her place. Thanksgiving at her place means McDonalds, Dominos, and Taco Bell food that her mother is going to buy from the fast food places that are open on Thanksgiving. Freddie's mom is a bit sad that she won't have Freddie with her, but she's getting over it. I think that she's starting to let Freddie go. I think it's a good thing. Because I have laid awake a few times at night, wondering about his relationship with her. I mean, it kind of borders on the line of obsession. I tried to get his mother with a new guy. She's been sort of celibate since she and Lewbert broke up. Maybe if she had a new boyfriend, she wouldn't be so over protective of Freddie._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,____________________________________________________________November 26, 2009_

_Of course Dad couldn't come. Why on Earth could he? It's not like he misses his family. Spencer's kind of bummed out about it, too. But I guess he's kind of accepted it a long time ago. Spencer and Dad haven't been that close. I got a text from Sam during dinner that she needed to speak to me. I called her after I took a shower. She started to go on and on about how happy she was that her mother and Freddie were getting along so well. She then said, "You know, Carly, I think that I found the one. The guy that I'm going to be with for the rest of my life. And you know that I'm not a romantic sort of girl. I don't like roses and I'm going to be the one that's going to walk down the aisle in torn jeans. But I never felt so girly romantic around someone ever in my life. I'm so serious about Freddie. I think that he's going to be the one I'm going to marry. Oh, it's a beautiful feeling, Carly, you're going to love it when you fall in love." I wanted to hang up on her and cry, but I didn't. I just smiled and told her that I knew what she meant._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,____________________________________________________________ November 27,2009_

_Today Sam and I went out shopping for Black Friday. We went to the mall. Sam seemed really happy as she went through the clothes. I found the cutest outfit at this one store. It was a red tank top with a fur coat. The jeans were red with white stripes going around them. I went to try it on and I asked Sam's opinion on it. She just smirked and said, "It's a great outfit if you want your thighs look like tree trunks." Needless to say, I didn't buy the outfit. Sam went into Hot Topic, which was weird. She didn't like Hot Topic. She says that's where all the "Twilight-Goth wannabees hang out." She bought these black boots with a blue dragon wrapped around the leg. "For Freddie," She said, smiling. I bought a Twilight T-shirt with Edward's face on it. It reminded me of Seth. I haven't thought about him for awhile. Even though he is in my class._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,____________________________________________________________November 30, 2009_

_I think I know why Sam bought him those boots. I didn't mean to, but I sort of spied on them before school. Freddie was at his locker and Sam walked up to him. Freddie turned to her. His eye was black. He and she talked softly for a bit. Sam then pulled the boots out of her book bag and gave it to him. He took them and looked at her. She said something to him that made him smile. He put the boots on and threw his old shoes in the trash can. The tennis shoes that I had bought him two years ago for his birthday. He really is over me._

_Seth and Laurie broke up. Publically. They were arguing in Algebra class and were almost screaming at each other by the time that the tardy bell rang. She called him a lying pig and "How dare you keep a secret like that from me?" and whatnot. She ran out of class. Seth just slumped in his chair and it looked like he was holding back tears. I went over to him and just hugged him. He looked like that's what he needed the most. He wrapped his arms around me and he started to sob. Either he's a damn good actor or he's really upset about this. And "a lying pig" wouldn't be so sad about his girlfriend leaving him. I asked if he needed to talk about it. He said that he didn't want to, but thanked me for offering._

_The Christmas Dance is coming up. I bet Sam and Freddie are going to go with each other. I will have to go alone. I wish that Seth would ask me to go with him, but he doesn't want to go with me. I can tell. After thirty minutes, he had finally left school. I don't think that he wanted the whole class to see him cry._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,____________________________________________________________ December 3, 2009_

_I got a D on another test. If I don't pass the exam, I'm going to have to take the class over again. I don't know why I'm not getting the class. I just don't understand the information. Whenever tests are passed back from the teacher, I instantly hide my test to avoid Seth glancing at it. He gets Bs and I get Fs and Ds. I have pride in myself. I was always a smart person and now, I am getting what I would call "Sam Grades". But Sam was always about to make it through a class and now that Freddie's her boyfriend, she gets him to hack into the school security system to change a grade here and there. Freddie said that at first he didn't like it, but he liked the thrill on being on the side of danger. I would just laugh. Freddie…dangerous…That's a funny thought._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,____________________________________________________________December 10, 2009_

_Eight more days until the dance. I've had a few boys ask me out, but I'm sure that it was only out of pity, so I said no to each and every one of them. I subtly asked Seth if he was going to the dance. He looked and me and shrugged, "Probably." We've been texting a lot and we call each other now and then. Did you know that he has a little brother? He's a real cutie. He's about a year old. His name is Tyler. He's really cute. Seth is really close to him. Tyler looks a lot like him. He has curled dark brown hair, but his eyes are a sort of purplish blue color. Seth has showed me a small picture of him that he keeps in his wallet._

_Things have been quiet with Sam and Freddie. Sam told me that she was planning to ask Freddie if he wanted to have sex with her after the dance. I'm not sure how Freddie's going to take it. He doesn't believe in sex until after marriage. He says that it's a personal choice, not because he's scared of knocking the girl up. I bet if Mrs. Benson knew that her precious little Freddie was thinking about sex, she would have a heart attack. Her sweet Freddie is growing up and turning into a man._

_I bought the cutest dress for the dance next Friday. It a white dress that sticks to my figure. The sleeves are long and they wrap around the bottom part of my hand. The bottom is long and flowing and Sam says that I look like a princess in it. I like her dress too. She is going to wear a dark red dress with a green mistletoe on the left shoulder. It's really pretty._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,____________________________________________________December 18, 2009_

_Oh, God, I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid and so greedy and I don't think that Freddie will ever talk to me again._

_Spencer dropped me off at the dance which was by the gym. I went inside and I searched around for Sam and Freddie. I found Freddie talking on his cell phone with someone. I waved at him and he waved at me. I asked where Sam was and after he hung up on his phone, he said that Sam wasn't coming. I asked why and he pretended not to hear me over the music. I soon lost him in the crowd. I sighed and went to hang out with some of the girls I know in my English class. After a few minutes, I went to look for Freddie. I couldn't find him in the crowd. I went outside the gym to see if he went to the rest room. I went inside the boys' bathroom and I heard soft mumbling. I went to the other side of the bathroom and saw an open stall. I opened the door a bit more to find Freddie._

_He had his foot on the toilet and he was rolling up his pants leg. Around his leg, under his knee, there were bandages. There was a red splotch on the bandages and I could faintly smell blood. He was taking the bandages off to reveal a long red gash on his leg. He then took out some bandages from his coat pocket. It was then that he saw me. He snarled, "Get out." I just stood there, surprised at his tone. He then screamed, "GET THE "F" OUT!" I ran out of the bathroom and back into the gym. I was scared. I didn't know what had happened. What did Sam do this time? was running through my mind._

_Freddie came back into the gym a few minutes later and he apologized to me. He said, "I'm sorry that I yelled at you. I'm not myself tonight." I asked what had happened and he said that Sam was angry with him. I asked what it was about and he said that he could not tell me. He asked if I wanted to dance and I said that I did. He took my hand and led me to the dance floor. It was a slow song. That song "Careless Whisper" was playing. Not the radio version, the real version. He held me close to him as we swayed on the dance floor. He started to stroke my hair as I laid my hand against his shoulder. I felt so at peace. However, the song was only six minutes long, so he had to let me go. We got off the dance floor and I followed him to the other side of the gym. I took his arm and I turned him around to me. I then kissed him._

_Freddie started to kiss back, but then he stopped. I tried to kiss him again, but he stopped me. He said, "Sam is my girlfriend and your best friend. You can't do this. We can't do this." He then said something odd. He told me that he knew what I was doing. He said, "I am no longer your puppet, Carly. I don't love you anymore." I was about to say something when he interrupted me. "Do not get me wrong. There are times when I feel an attraction to you. A small, insect like attraction based on the fact that you were my first love. But I grew up, Carly. I love Sam now. You are just jealous because you don't have me at your beck and call anymore. Now, when you want something, you have to get it yourself. You can't just bat your eyes at me and expect me to get it for you like an obedient lap dog. That's what you're trying to get back. I see that now." He then swiftly left the gym. I called Spencer and I left, too._

_I hate my life._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,____________________________________________________________December 21, 2009_

_Freddie came over today. He apologized for what he said. He said that he didn't mean any of it and he knew that I wasn't like that. He and I hung out a bit. We tried to get things back to normal with each other. We didn't talk about it after he apologized and I accepted the apology._

_Later, Sam came over for our little Christmas party. It was just the three of us. We sat around and hung out for a bit before we exchanged presents. Sam got me the bootlegged DVD of New Moon. (Thanks to her cousin) Freddie got me a charm bracelet. One of the charms was a picture of the three of us. I gave Freddie a Galaxy Wars DVD. Sam got him a leather jacket. I gave Sam a new Guitar Hero guitar to replace her broken one. Freddie gave Sam a gold necklace with a heart shaped locket. And in that locket was a picture of him. I felt jealous of the gift but I got over it. I mean, that's something that he should have given her. It's not his fault that I can't get over myself._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,____________________________________________________________December 25, 2009_

_I had a pretty good Christmas. It was just me and Spencer. We exchanged gifts and then he went to watch Christmas specials. I sorted through my Christmas presents and sort of moped about how Dad couldn't come home. It was then that I heard a rock being thrown at my window. I opened my window and looked down to see Seth. He was smiling and waving. He then threw up a small present. I caught it and by the time I looked down, he was gone. I opened it. Seth got me a stuffed animal. It was a white Christmas bear. It was so cute. I would have to get him something. What does he like?...He likes music. I'll get him a CD when I got return stuff tomorrow._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,_______________________________________________________________January 2, 2010_

_Now that exams grow closer, I find myself really worried. I am studying as much as I can. I decided to abandoned my diet and exercise routine a month ago. I mean, one hundred and ten pounds. That's healthy, right? I'll be fine. Anyway, as soon as I get home, I study. Spencer said that if I pass the exam, he'll let me do iCarly again. I am trying to get as much studying done as possible. I think I'm going through iCarly withdrawal. I really miss doing it. It's so fun. This will probably be the last diary entry in a while. I won't write again until I take the exam._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,______________________________________________________________January 15,2010_

_I took the exam today. I'm really nervous. I think I did an okay job on it. A lot of what was on there was stuff we didn't really cover, so I guessed on most off it. One side of the answer sheet sort of look like a smiley face when looked at from an angle. I am going to find out what I get on it on Monday and whether I have to take the class again next semester. I'm so nervous that I can barely write._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,______________________________________________________________January 17, 2010_

_I failed….I failed my class….I passed the exam, but not enough to pass the class…I have to take it over again. I never felt a class in my life. I never even got a C in it. All my other classes, I got As. I don't understand. How could this happen? Spencer didn't yell at me this time. He just said that he was disappointed. I feel so bad. I feel like I'm failing everyone around me._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,______________________________________________________________January 19, 2010_

_We started the new semester today. You will not believe who is in my new Science Class. Jonah. Jonah Freaking French is my class. I haven't seen him in over two years. He's grown. He is around six foot five now. He's also sort of buff. He's still the player he was in eighth grade. He flirted with me a bit before we decided that he was going to sit by me for the entire semester. He's such an idiot. He and his cronies sat by me as well. I wanted to tell Jonah where he could stick those pick up lines, but that would have been something that Sam would do. It was her place to do this. Seth is in my culinary class, so is Freddie. Seth thanked me again for the Hinder CD I gave him and he asked me how I knew that I liked him. I just smiled and said that it was just instinct. Freddie rolled his eyes. I thought that was funny._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,______________________________________________________________January 26, 2010_

_Jonah gave another poor kid a wedgie. He's such a bully. He irritates me sometimes. Valentine's Day is coming up. I'm ready for Singles' Day, though. Nothing much is happening. Freddie is probably going to go off somewhere with Sam and disappear for the entire day. The Producers is coming to the local theatre starting the fourth of February. I love that musical. It's so funny. I only seen the movie and I really want to see the play. I might ask Sam and Freddie to come with me. I think that would be a fun thing for us to do together. It's being performed by the high school kids in the tri-county area. I'm not sure anyone from our school is in it._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,______________________________________________________________February 2, 2010_

_Seth asked me if I wanted to do anything this weekend. I said that I wanted to see The Producers. He asked me if I wanted to go with him. I instantly said yes. I'm really excited about it. This is the first date I have had in a long time. I can't wait. Jonah's been acting odd this week. He's been humming and reading something out of a little book that he won't let anyone look at. And he hasn't bothered a single child. I recognize one of the songs from somewhere. But where? It's probably nothing._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary, ______________________________________________________________February 6, 2010_

_Oh God, you won't believe it. You won't believe it at all. Tonight, I went to see the Producers with Seth and you see there's this character in it. Roger Dupree, he's my favorite character. He's a flaming homosexual. He's a director that runs around in a wig and dress for the first half of the play. And even though there was stage make up covering his face, I had my suspicions. I recognized the voice. I checked the program at intermission to be sure. But there it was. His name was in black and white. Roger Dupree-Jonah French._

_The song he was humming…The song was "Keep It Gay". The little book must have been a script. The most surprising part was how good he was. He played the part so well, that I forgot he was Jonah. The best part was that if I told everyone that Jonah played a gay guy, then he'll lose his tough guy reputation. It's bad enough if he was an actor. He'll get what he deserved for bullying those poor kids and hurting Sam._

_But forget about Jonah. Seth walked me home and we talked the whole way there. We stopped outside of my apartment and he stood there for a second. There was a silence. I thanked him for taking me, but before I could get the "Thank you" out, Seth kissed me. Kissed me right on the lips. He then left without another word. I felt like I was on a cloud. Maybe Seth could, No, what am I saying? Seth doesn't like me_

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,______________________________________________________________February 8, 2010_

_So, I went to talk to Jonah before school. I told him that I saw him. I went up to him and smirked, "I saw you Friday night, Mr. Dupree…" He turned to me and it looked like all the color was drained out of his face, "You…you saw me…" I nodded, "Yeah…And I'm going to tell anyone." He then said, panicking, "You, you can't, Carly. Please, don't. I'll get jumped every day. I'll lose all my friends." I then told him that he deserved it. "If you stop bullying other kids, I won't tell anyone." I said. He then nodded, telling me that he would do anything to keep the secret._

_I then asked him how long he had been acting. He smiled, "Since I was in seventh grade. I never told Sam. The Producers is going to be my last musical. I'm going to try straight plays." I asked what plays he's been it. He was in Sweeney Todd (Anthony), Suessical(The Cat In The Hat), The Sound of Music(Friedrich), The Phantom of The Opera(Erik), and a couple of other ones that I never heard of. And he was the star in most of them. I wondered how it was that he was able to keep all that a secret from everyone._

_Then again, Sam and Freddie have fooled everyone besides about each other._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_


	41. Justice In My Mind's Eye

_Hey guys, want to find out how to be a special guest star in A Darkened Mind? Just message me and I'll give you the details on my special little contest._

**To My Reviewers**

_**Crazii-fan4all**: I like your enthusiasm, but remember that Rome was not built in a day._

_**White Firebird**: Yeah, it did, I'm glad that I'm back though._

_**discostick0shala**: I looked at past Carly diary entries and I realized how little her own life was mentioned in them. It was not like Sam and Freddie was the only thing she cared about. I wanted to make it more realistic than that._

_**AlexLuvsAirwalks**: Thanks for your support and please keep reading._

_**Kirsti-Anna3567**: Thanks for reading. Life is always funny like that, the way it twists and turns._

_**Hello!!!**: You're the first to ask that. Well, I guess you will find out....Or not...Mwahahaha!_

_**Roseheart**: It is continued and thank you so much for reading!_

**Chapter Forty-One: Justice In My Mind's Eye**

"Oh, for Christ's sake, it's five," I said, immediately. All eyes turn to me and I returned to my book. The teacher shook her head, "Jackson, I wasn't asking you." I glanced over at the sniveling boy that had struggled over the math question for the last five minutes. "I thought you wanted an answer. I gave you one," I said. I wondered why teachers are so unreasonable. "We also do not use that sort of language," The teacher added, like I had said nothing. I rolled my eyes. She was an idiot.

The bell rang for recess and I ran out of the room as fast as I could. I went to the swing set and I instantly got on it. I started to swing. Today was that day…November 13th. Three years ago. I remember it so well, even though I was only three or four years old at the time. I was isolated on the swing set. The other boys were playing basketball and the girls were giggling over by the slide. I was alone.

"_Morning, honey," Mom said, sweetly, as she kissed my father's cheek as he entered the dining room. She was wearing a white apron over her dark purple sundress. I was at the table, eating my breakfast. "Morning, doll," he said, vaguely. He was wearing one of his nice Italian suits. The one with the blue tie. Mom always liked that tie. He sat down at the table and picked at his food. "Is something wrong?" Mom asked as she sat across from him. "Huh? No, no," My dad said as he looked at her. "The plate is still full," Mom pointed out. She smiled, "You would have usually devoured it by now." He just shrugged as he forced a strip of bacon in his mouth. "Good boy," Mom teased as she went to start her breakfast._

_There was a knock on the door. Mom raised her eyebrow before she went to go answer the door. My father lost all color in his face. Two men in police man uniforms came into the dining room. My mother quickly followed, "I have no idea who you think you are, breaking into my home-" My father raised his hand, "Vivian…Let me handle this." One of the men said, "You know why we're here, Mr. Alto." My father turned to him, "I do." My mother's eyes started to widen, "Tony…Tony, what's going on?" The first man started to pull out his handcuffs but the second man looked at me, "Uh, maybe we shouldn't…Not in front of his kid." The first scoffed, "I don't care. He deserves this." He started to put handcuffs on my father. "Dad…" I squeaked, "What's going on?" The first policeman ignored me as he said to my father, "You're under arrest for the murder of Divechi Vedi." My mother gasped in shock, "Murder? Tony, what's this all about?" My father glanced at her and said, "Vivian, stay out of this. I'll take care of it." The policeman took my father away from me. My father said as he left, "Don't worry, doll, this is all a misunderstanding. I'll be out by dinner."_

_And that's when the camera people started to come around…_

It was then that I heard someone walk up next to me. I looked up to see her. The black haired girl on my bus. The one with the braids. She looked at me and said, "You're Jackson Alto, right?" I nodded. "My name is Catalina. Catalina Gosslein," She said. I grunted as I returned to swinging. She said, "I want to be your girlfriend." I instantly dug my shoes in the dirt as I stared at her, "Girlfriend? Um, no thanks." She narrowed her eyes at me, "You're only saying no because you think I'm ugly. My mommy says that all boys do that. And that makes you vain."I said, confused, "I don't think you're ugly." She then asked, "Than why won't you go out with me?" I said, "Because I don't know you." She then made her way over to me and planted her lips on mine.

I had always thought that my first kiss would be enjoyable.

I pushed her away and got off the swing. She grabbed my hand and pulled me to her. She tried to kiss me again. I pushed her away and tried to run away. She ran after me. I looked at the teachers, frantically, wondering why none of them were doing at thing. They were just giggling and cooing about young love. It was then that Catalina had tackled me. She got on top of me and tried to kiss me again. I then balled my fist and punched her right in the nose. She gasped in surprise as she fell off me. Blood trickled down from her nostril as she started to cry. I smirked as I stood up and dusted the dirt off my pants.

It was then that the teachers ran towards me. I thought they were going to send the little girl to the nurse and be done with it. Yeah, I thought wrong. "You're going to be in big trouble, young man," the teacher said as she grabbed by ear and pulled me up. "Why? What for?" I demanded to know as I tried to get away from her. "You hit a girl," She pointed out. She then dragged me to the principal's office.

As I was being forced to sit in the brightly colored plastic seat, the principal called my mother. She was a middle aged woman with short cut bright red hair. Her makeup was thick and pasty, reminding me of a clown's face. She wore glasses over her sharp, little brown eyes. She was tall and thin, reminding me of a skeleton. She picked up the phone with her long acrylic fingernails and punched in the numbers. I watched her chew on her lower lip and then she said into the phone, "Ms. Alto, this is Ms. Natasch, the principal from Ridgeway Elementary School….Yes, your son has assaulted another student...Yes, I need to see you right now…Thank you…" She hung up the phone and stared at me for the longest time. I tried to look away, but she still started at me. Weird….

Mom came in ten minutes later. She looked at me and then at the principal, "What's this about an assault?" I groaned as I looked up at my mother, "I didn't assault anyone. I hit a girl." She gasped as she looked at me, "Jackson Giovanni Alto, you did not." I said, "The girl was trying to kiss me. I was defending myself." I then told my mother the whole story. The principal just pursed her lips as she listened to my story.

"Well, I understand that," My mother said. I smiled slightly, glad that she understood. The principal perked up at that and said, "Ms. Alto, I don't think you understand. I'm going to suspend Jackson." My mother's eyes widened to the size of plates, "Suspension? Don't you think that's a little unnecessary?" The principal said, "He hit a girl." My mother argued, "He was defending himself." The principal laughed, reminding me of someone that was trying to catch their breath, "From what? The girl was just kissing him. He should have let her and move on." My mother said, "My son has a right to defend himself from that. If they were older, that would be sexual harassment." I wondered what that meant.

The principal laughed again, "Who are you married to? One of those men's rights activists? Like they need help getting rights." My mother then slammed her hands on the desk and replied, harshly, "Listen, bitch, I am so damn sick of people like you. It's your fault that people that are really in trouble don't come out and ask for help." I looked down, embarrassed. Why was Mom acting like this? She must be really angry with this lady. I haven't seen her get angry with someone like this in a long time. My mother continued, "A guy gets sexually harassment. You guys laugh it up. A guy gets beat up by his girlfriend, it's the joke of the day. It's like you can't even conceive the idea. Well, let me tell you something, you feminist. The only way for women to ever really be equal is for them be taken seriously both in the good and the bad." She then calmed herself down, "I'm withdrawing Jackson out of this place."

Mom then grabbed my arm and yanked me out of the chair. The principal was still staring at her with wide eyes. Mom then pulled me out of the room and down the hallway to the exit of the school. "Mom, are you okay?" I asked, softly. My mother turned to me and picked me up, "Yeah, sweetie, Mom's just under a bit of stress right now. She's a bit worried about a friend of hers." I sighed, "Okay…Where am I going to school now?" My mother stroked my hair, "I don't know, Jackson. I'm probably going to look to see if there are any Catholic schools in the area." I smiled slightly, "Thanks, Mom…" My mother carried me over to a black sleek looking car. My eyes widened at this, "Is…is this our car?" My mom sighed as she set me in the passenger side, "Yes, it is, baby." She then went into the driver's side and turned the car on. She grabbed a torn envelope that was sitting in one of the cup holders and put it in her purse. I could see the word: _**Insurance**_ on it.

Mom turned the car on and drove out of the parking lot. I looked up at her, "Are you sure you're okay?" She sighed as she looked at me, "I just…hate this day." I asked, concerned, "Do you want to see your therapist? I'll wait in the car." She shook her head, "No, baby. I'll be fine." I looked out the window, out at the surrounding city.

Mom parked her car out of the apartment building. We got out and went up to our apartment. I sat down on the couch and turned on the TV to see if there was anything on. Mom set her purse on the counter and rummaged through it. The phone rang. Mom went over to answer it, "Hello?..." My mother then gasped in surprise, "Oh, thank God, I was getting worried about you….Because you're my friend…Nevermind, where are you?...I won't tell anyone….What? Why are you there?...Oh, I see…Do you need anything?...No, you didn't…How long are you going to stay there?...Alright…Listen, just try to figure stuff out and call me if you need anything, okay?...Talk to you later….Bye." She hung up and went over to sit down next to me. "Who was that?" I asked. My mother didn't answer me. She just stared at the television, blankly.

"Is it Mr. Benson?" I asked, turning over to her. She looked to me and sighed, "Sometimes, grownups can't talk about things like this. Please don't ask me again." I frowned, "Fine." I got off the couch and went into my room. I picked a book off the bookshelf and started reading. I then heard music coming from Mom's bedroom after an hour. I knew this music. Mom loved this song. She played it when she was emotional. It's…O Fortuna…

I left my room and followed the sound of the music. I tried to open the door, but it was locked. I then heard something when the music quieted down. It sounded like crying. I moved away from the door, in anger. I knew that it wasn't Dad she was mourning. It was that man. Mom hasn't cried over Dad in a long time. Why start now? It had to be Mr. Benson. I went into my room and stared out the window. I had to go home. I can't stay here any longer. Not if my mother is in so much pain.

_Thanks for reading. By the way, if you want a little preview of Freddie's next chapter, check out the TiK ToK music video. The first 50 seconds is basically the first couple of paragraphs. ^^_


	42. A Funny Thing Happened

_Happy Holidays to Everyone. Once again, do you want a chance to win a contest and become a guest star in A Darkened Mind? Message me for details._

**To My Reviewers:**

_amyvimy: Thanks for reading_

_discostick0shalala: I'm glad you liked it. I've had that little plot bunny for Jackson for a long time._

_sockstar: Oh, yeah, that would be a good idea. ^^_

_iLuvNathanKrEsS: Well, that's something you can interpret on your own. Freddie's chapter is coming soon, so *ominous voice* Be prepared..._

_AlexLuvsAirwalksz: You got to love the little cynical redhead. He's just so blunt._

_seddieluva: Wow, that's cool. I could never read that much in one sitting._

_robbie84: Ah, poor you. I would hate to share my laptop. Good luck to you._

_what lurks beneath: Wow, so many reviews. There's a bunch....I don't think I can respond to all of them and still have at least half of the chapter being about the story. So....YAY, WHAT LURKS BENEATH!_

_peaceloveandsmiles: Thanks for reading. Usually I don't like stories that are too dark, so I think this is on the very fine right level of darkness._

_star-gazing-in-LA: Yay feeling sorry for other people! :)_

_Keenlost: Thanks for reading and reviewing. I'm happy that you like it.  
_

**Chapter Forty-Two: A Funny Thing Happened**

"You're in a good mood, Mr. Papperman," Heather commented as I came into the office, whistling a light tune. I smiled, "Why not? It's a beautiful day." I went over to her and gave her the bouquet from behind my back. Heather looked at them, questionably, "What are these for?" I smiled, "They're for you, silly. I'm thanking you for helping me out." Heather commented, "…We hate flowers." I raised an eyebrow, "We do?..." I frowned at that as I put the bouquet back behind my back, "Fine, I might give it to that Benson lady, then." Heather sighed as she forced a smile, "Listen, are you doing anything this weekend? We could play tennis." I shook my head, "No thinks. I don't remember how to play and I don't have time to learn." I left the office to go to Mrs. Benson's room.

I went down the hallway to her new office. I opened the door and walked in. She was snoozing in her chair. Her hair looked tangled and unwashed. Her clothes were wrinkled and dirty. I cleared up throat and she started to get up. She yawned and looked up at me. Her eyes had bags under them and she looked like she wasn't really taking care of herself. "What can I do for you?" She had asked, dully. I handed her the bouquet, "Congratulations on your promotion to Head of the Board of Directors for the Academy." She stared up at me and asked, "Who put you up to this? Spencer? I told him that I was fine." I frowned, "You don't seem fine…Is this how you usually act?" She glared at me and set the bouquet on her desk.

I left the room after a long and uncomfortable stillness. I had the feeling that she didn't want to talk to me. I went back to my office and I noticed a strange sight. There were two police officers in my offices, going through the filing cabinet. Heather was standing in the middle of the room, biting her nails. She saw me and ran towards me, "Mr. Papperman, the police are here. They say that you've…you've been embezzling money from the Academy and they're going to arrest you and send you to jail. Tell them that this is a mistake." My eyes widened at this, "What?" I walked over to one of the policemen, "Excuse me, what's going on?" He turned to me, "Mr. Papperman, we found out about your little embezzlement scheme." I said, frustrated, "I haven't been embezzling anything." He said, clearly not believing me, "We've caught you red-handed. Your little accountant turned himself in and you too. You've been overcharging on tuition and keeping a couple of grand per girl to yourself."

I then said, wondering if I did do this before I lost my memory, "I had a car accident a week ago, I got amnesia." Heather added, helping me out, "He's right. Call his doctor…Please, don't arrest him." The two policemen looked at each other and the first one said, "Okay, we'll check it out, but either if you remember it or not, the Academy will have to be closed."

Heather's eyes widened in shock, "Closed? But why?" The policeman said, "With the evidence and the accountant's confession, we've figured out that Mr. Papperman here has hidden funds within the Academy. It's an illegal organization, thus it must be closed….You should tell your employees to start looking for a new job." I slumped into the chair at Heather's desk. I wasn't frustrated anymore, I felt numb.

This life…this person…I feel so out of place. This Nevel Papperman feels like a stranger. He seems like a despicable snob. A despicable snob that lived a lonely and miserable existence. And that stole money from a school for sick girls. What was wrong with him? I don't want this life. I could have woke up that day and have been anyone. A family man, a genius, a humanitarian, hell even the President of the United States. But I didn't. I woke up as Nevel Papperman.

It took me a while to realize that the police had left with all the files in the office, along with mine and Heather's computer. Heather was rubbing my shoulders, saying things that I really couldn't understand. I looked up to her and pulled away from her hands. "Why didn't you tell me what sort of person I was?" I asked. Heather said, "There's nothing wrong with you." I said, harshly, "Look at me. I'm a lonely self-absorbed criminal. What do you mean that there is nothing wrong with me?" Heather snapped back, "You are smart, you are suave, and you don't need this Academy. You can do better than this. Now if you excuse me, I have a couple of Help Wanted ads to circle." She left the room, briskly.

I sighed as I picked up the microphone to the PA system. I turned it on and said into the microphone, "Teachers, staff, this is Headmaster Nevel Papperman speaking. I need to see all of you in my office immediately." I turned the PA system off and awaited the mass of my staff. I took in a shaky breath, waiting to tell them the news.

The first to come in was Mr. Shay, who was going on about his life to another teacher, a math teacher. He spoke about his wife's pregnancy. His eyes shined with a light that I hated to dimmer. I wish I could help out these good people. I wished that I wasn't such an awful person. Heather said I was rich, maybe I could help Mr. Shay out. Get him a job somewhere else, maybe. Then came in the rest of them. Teachers, board members, janitors, nurses, etc. Mrs. Benson was the last to come in. The sleepy-eyed blonde, rubbed her eyes, yawning softly. "What's the deal, Mr. Papperman?"

I stared at all of them. I then stood up, inhaling a shaky breath. I'm not sure if this Nevel before me was a public speaker or not, but I sure wasn't. I was terrified of their reaction. I was insecure about what to do to make their situation better. It was not their fault that this man was corrupted and he risked the lives of the loyal men and women that worked for him.

"As you all know, I have lost my memory. I have no recollection of the man I was before. I have found out that I had been embezzling money from the Academy. I have to close down this compassionate establishment since it is indeed part of an illegal plan. I know that this place means a lot to a couple of people here. Carly Shay was your friend and you want to see that something good came out of her death. That the horror of eating disorders would make people wake up and do something about it. To stand up and say, "We are not going to tolerate this." We had a good run. For two years, this place has saved the lives of thousands of girls who would not be here today. That in turn meant that thousands of little lives would be brought into this world because their mothers had not died. But if it is meant to be, it is meant to be. Now, I understand how you feel. Betrayed, taken aback, disgusted. Believe me when I say that I feel the same. Now, if there is anyone that would need help with finding a new job or with money, than I am willing to give you a loan. It is a loan because I know that none of you are as low as to accept charity. You are proud people, if you weren't, then you wouldn't have toughed it out here long enough to stand here. Now, do not feel like that you haven't done enough for Carly Shay, because you have. I understand that she was a good girl. A sweet natured, fun-loving, optimistic girl that would not want you to wallow in self-pity and to move on. I'm not asking you to feel better over night. No I am not. That would be impossible. But I can tell you what is possible, that something good will always come out of a tragedy. As will the closing of The Carly Shay Academy."

I finished my speech and sat back down, feeling like I was about to pass out. My head hurt a little from all the stress that was pouring in on me. I looked up to see reactions. Mr. Shay's grin had left his face as soon as I said that I had been embezzling money. He looked limp and that he needed to lie down. As soon as I started to talk about what kind of girl Carly Shay was, he left the room, stumbling out.

Mrs. Benson didn't seem to hear me until I mentioned Carly Shay's name. She started to listen to me and realized what I was saying. She whispered under her breath, "No…" By the time I was finished, she was holding on to a desk for support. She then moved her arm across the desk, knocking off pens, papers, boxes, and little trinkets. No one else seemed to notice except me. She left the room, leaving me to face the rest of the Academy's workers.

They all seemed to have a shocked reaction with denial in their eyes. They then slowly left as if they thought that there was nothing they could say. Figuring that there was no point left to stay, I left the building and went to my car. I had bought a new car since the accident. It was a silver Hummer as opposed to the itty-bitty little white Camry that I was driving in the accident. I got in the car, turned on the ignition, and drove out of the parking lot. As I looked in the mirror, I frowned at this person I was. Obnoxious eyes, chubby cheeks, plastic looking hair. I didn't like it one bit. I wondered how it was that I could remember how to drive a car, how to work a computer, yet I could not remember people. I wondered if my memory would ever come back. I stopped at a stoplight near a hair stylist. I looked over at the small business and thought about something.

I don't think that I'm really this Nevel person. I mean, I know that I was, but I'm not anymore. I think I'm different. And I shouldn't stay stuck into this body and this persona. I need to be my own person. I parked the car by the hair stylist and walked in. I said to the girl at the desk, "I don't have an appointment, but-" She interrupted me, "Honey, it's been a slow day, I'd be happy to do your hair. What do you need done?" I said, after thinking, "A dye job and can we add layers to my hair so I don't look like a schoolboy?" She nodded, "Sure, honey, let's just sit you down here." She took me by my shoulders and sat me down in a chair, "What color?"

"Surprise me."

A few hours later, I looked into the mirror. My hair was shorter and in layers. It made me look my age, not like I was in a weird sort of generation. The color was a dark red, sort of like the color of holly berries. I smiled as I touched my hair, "I love it." The hair stylist grinned, "You look like a new man." I got out of the chair and paid the lady before I went back into my car. Now, I felt better, I feel like…me. I like this new identity. I then thought that maybe I should take the next step to be me.

I drove to City Hall and went in. After talking it over with a judge and signing a few papers, I got it done. It took only an hour, but it was done. Nevel Papperman was dead. I legally changed my name

My name is Stephen Andrew Rockefeller.

I walked out of there with my new ID and went down the block. I felt my cell phone vibrate and I answered it, "Hello?" I heard Heather's voice, "Hey, I'm sorry for snapping at you. How about I make it up to you?" I responded, "You don't need to do that. It's okay." Heather said, "I insist. I'll come over to your house and cook you a nice dinner. I still have a key. Stay away until six thirty." She then hung up, quickly. I sighed as I hung my phone up and put it in my pocket. Persistent woman.

I went back to my car and got in. I rolled down the windows and drove through the city, wondering what I could do. I passed a park and I stopped there. I sat in my car and just enjoyed the sights and sounds of the only piece of nature in Seattle. I glanced over to see a few families enjoying the afternoon. I'm not sure if Nevel liked kids, but I sure do. There's something about a child that makes me feel at peace. I wanted a family and I was so disappointed to find out that I didn't have one. I got out the car and went into the park. I saw a young woman on a park bench. She was really pretty. She had beautiful dark hair that would look gorgeous if she would let it out of her bun. She was wearing a white shirt with a blue ascot and the same color blue jeans. She was probably a few years older than me. I went to sit down next to her. She looked at me, curiously.

"Nice weather," I commented, looking around the park. She added after a few seconds, "It is. But it's getting too cold for my taste." I smelt the scent of sugar on her. It smelt so good. She was looking at this little boy that was playing by himself on the swings. "….Is he yours?" I asked. She turned to me and nodded, "Yeah…He's just turned seven…Which one is yours?" I shook my head, "I have not yet had the pleasure." She smiled, "They're both a pleasure and a pain, but mainly a pleasure." I looked at her and she looked at me. There was something about her eyes. She had round brown eyes that held something. Something that intrigued me and frightened me a little.

A look of life and a look of death.

She looked away to check her watch. She then stood up and I said, bravely, "I don't mean to sound forward, but I would like your number." She turned to me and smiled slightly, "Alright." She pulled out a piece of paper and I handed her a pen. She wrote her number on the little yellow paper and handed it to me. She smiled at me, "My name is Vivian." I smiled at her, "Stephen." She smiled a little and went over to the boy. I stood up and left to my car.

I drove over to my house and opened the door. I heard soft Latin music in the background. I followed the music to the dining room. On the dinning room table was two sets of plates with food on them. There were burning candles on the table. Heather was sitting on the table with a little black dress on her. Her long blonde hair was in an elegant bun. She was wearing make up and she had on diamond earrings.

What the hell is she doing?

At first she was smiling, but then her face turned pale. She stared at me and whispered, "Your hair…" I said, walking over to her, "I needed to be me. What is all this?" She looked embarrassed. She sighed as she got off the table and looked away from me, "This…this was stupid. So stupid." I added, "I changed my name too. It's Stephen." She turned to me and asked, "Why are you doing this, _**Nevel**_?" I said, "Because I think I'm not the same person I was before the accident. I'm different, Heather." She started to cry, smudging her mascara. She went to the corner of the dining room and started to sob. I then came to this conclusion.

"We were lovers, weren't we?"

She turned to me, "Not exactly. I loved you, you loved me. But I was too stupid to give you a chance. And then you had the accident. I thought I lost you, but now it's worse. Because you're not him anymore. He's dead and you're here. I tried to love this you. This kinder, this more down to Earth you, but I couldn't. I was in love with the confident and charming Nevel Papperman." Heather turned away from me and stared at the table, "I thought that you would regain your memory sooner or later, but you haven't." She then grabbed her black purse and rushed out of the house.

I sat down at the table and stared into the candlelight. This will be the last time Nevel Papperman ever hurt someone.


	43. Till I See The Sunlight

_Hello, everyone. I hope you had a beautiful holiday. I know I did. ^^ I spent most of my Christmas watching Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince and playing Dragon Age: Origins. Once again, do you want a chance to win a contest and become a guest star in A Darkened Mind? Message me for details._

**To My Reviewers:**

_**discostick0shalala:** Thanks for reading, and I do wonder if Nevel will get his memory back. Tee-hee. ^^_

_**AlexLuvsAirwalks:** Really? That's cool. Maybe it really is fate. _

_**seddieluva:** Thanks for reading._

_**Kirsti-Anna3567:** Yes, our beloved Nevel is no more. He is gone...Poor Porcupine boy._

_**Roseheart:** I understand. The holidays are busy for everyone. Well, keep reading and reviewing._

_**XxXDukeofAwesomenessXxX:** No problem and I am glad that you're reading it. _

_**-Seddie-Rulez-:** Maybe he will change in more ways than one he is a different man now..._

_**star-gazing-in-LA:** I do wonder if he would come back. I can't believe that you woke up at six in the morning. Wow..._

**Chapter Forty-Three: Till I See The Sunlight**

I felt something on my face. Something like warm air. I blinked and swore at the blinding light coming from the window. I closed my eyes and I tried to go back to sleep. But I realized something. I wasn't in a bed. I was in something hard and smooth. I opened my eyes again, realizing I was in a bathtub. I blinked as I sat up and rubbed my aching head. I then glanced around. I was in a bathroom. I was in a round bathtub, with something in my lap. I looked down to see hundreds of twenty, fifty, and hundred dollar bills. I picked them up and stared at them. How did I get them? I then noticed something on my right arm. Writing. I stared at them and saw phone numbers. At least five numbers. I frowned at this as I got out of the tub. I saw my shoe by the bathtub. I looked down to see if any other clothing was missing. My shirt was inside out, but other than that I looked pretty much the same as I did when I left Mom's.

I went over to the sink of this bathroom and I turned it on. I grabbed a washcloth and scrubbed the ink off my arm. I tried to look in the mirror. I looked normal, but there was something different about my appearance. It was then that I took in my surroundings. It was then that I realized that I had no idea where I was. None of the surrounding environment had any familiarity. From the marble floor to the green, blue, purple, and white toothbrushes, it was all of someone else's life. I took off my jacket and I saw something fell out of the pocket. I picked it up. It was a red handkerchief with the initials, I. N., on it. I frowned as I put it in my jeans pocket. Who's I.N.? I took off my shirt and I gasped at what I saw.

On my neck in small black letters was a tattoo. It was in a sideways motion that went from my neck to my lower neck back to my neck. It spelled out: Prince….Prince? What…I put my hand on the black letters and I saw my heart pound through my skin. There was something about that title that made me feel excited. I put my shirt back on the right way and then put my jacket on. I grabbed the money and shoved the bills into the pockets of my jeans and jacket. I picked up the shoe and I opened the door and found myself in a hallway.

I saw pictures on the wall. Pictures of a happy family. It was sort of like a storybook. A workaholic and his new picture perfect wife. Their first child. A son. He was three before their second child was born. A little girl. When she was two and her brother was five, the mother disappeared from the pictures. A new woman came into the picture when the boy was seven and the girl was four. When the boy was ten and the girl was seven, a new baby came into the picture. A baby girl. When the boy turned twelve, the middle child disappeared from the photos. It wasn't until he turned fourteen that she had returned. She was paler, thinner, and had a dead look in her eyes. She then disappeared from the photos when the boy had graduated from high school. The rest was focused on the youngest girl. She was a perfect little ballerina. Then the man disappeared from the photos. A new man came in, quickly afterwards.

Hmph, imagine what you can find from staring at photos. What you can find out from it. I sighed as I went down the stairway. I sat down at the landing and put on my other shoe. I glanced over and realized that I was only a few feet away from the very people in the photographs. The second woman, the second man, the boy who was now in his twenties, and the younger girl was in her early teens. They were enjoying breakfast. I felt like I was supposed to know them…It was probably because of the pictures and photographs. But there was something about the boy…

I tried to sneak my way to the door by the table, but the woman spotted me. It was probably by shock that she dropped a plate of food on the floor. I looked at them and their opened mouths before I shrugged and left. After all, there wasn't a lot I could say. "Hey, I woke up in your house and I'm just going to leave now." Yeah, they're probably calling the cops now. That's exactly what I need.

As I walked down the driveway, I heard footsteps follow me. It was the boy. Well, he's not a boy anymore. The young man followed me and he asked me, "What the hell, Freddie? Did you follow me home?" I blinked as I stared at him. I didn't know him. He stared at me for a second, "Well? Did you? Not that I mind, but it's not really my house. It's Claire's now. How am I suppose to explain you to her and Rich?" I said nothing as I looked at him questionably. "You do remember me, don't you?" He asked. I shook my head. "Come on, it's me. Jared," He said. I blinked, trying to remember. "…Duke?…" He tried again. I shook my head. He walked up to me and he put his hand on my shoulder, "Do you remember anything?"

I shook my head, "No…Can you tell me what happened?" Jared sighed as he started to walk down the sidewalk. I followed him. Jared said, "I don't know what happened before I met you. All I know is that you were so popular." I raised an eyebrow, "Popular?" Jared nodded, "Yeah, apparently you won five jackpots in a row. No one in Las Vegas has ever done that. We met while playing poker. I was the one that suggested the whole "Prince" thing." I said, "Yeah, I found the tattoo. What is up with the "Prince" thing?" Jared chuckled softly, "Well, I figured that you should be called "The Prince of Las Vegas" since everyone loved you." I laughed at that, "No…that doesn't sound like me…I was drinking. That's not the real me." Jared raised an eyebrow, "Are you sure?" I asked, "Was I fun? Was I laughing? Was I happy? Then, that wasn't me." Jared looked at me, "I have a feeling that that's not the truth. I mean, Freddie, you were amazing last night." I smiled at the compliment, "Thanks, but I don't think that will ever happen again. I'm just trying to remember what happened."

Jared pulled out his cell phone and looked through it. While he did that, I took a good look at him. He was medium height, a bit pudgy, and had long fingers. His hair sort of had a blond version of Orlando Bloom thing going on. His eyes were wide and blue. It was what was on his arm that interested me. He had a deep and jagged scar that ran from wrist to his elbow and the sleeve hid the rest.

He then showed me something on his cell phone. It was a video. He pressed a button and it started playing, "This might help."

_It was Whitney and I. We were laughing at a poker table. I flung down my cards that were all aces. I laughed at the man across me, "Aces, bitch." I grabbed the poker chips as Whitney howled in laughter, "You've been princed." I laughed, "Princed! I like that. Whatcha think about that, Jared?" I heard Jared say, "That is hot, man." I grinned before jumping on the table, "Chips for everyone!" I tossed the poker chips in the air and people cheered as they lunged for it. Whitney helped me down, "You know, maybe we should get names, too. How about this? Since you're the prince, I'm y'know, "The Heir". And Jared can be "The Duke". We can be a team. Because I know you wouldn't have won the first jackpot if it weren't for me, Freddie." Jared added, "And you wouldn't have won this poker game if I hadn't stacked the odds in your favor." I reached over and patted Jared's shoulder, "I know, man. No one counts cards and deals like you. You're like a machine." Whitney cleared his throat. I looked to him, "And no one can persuade people like you, Whitney." Whitney smiled in satisfaction. I went to grab a bottle of whiskey. I poured it down my throat and handed it to Whitney. I wiped my lips with my sleeve and looked to the dance floor, "Now, if you excuse me, my step sister looks like she's going to eat my head." I heard Valerie, "Freddie, you've had too much to drink."_

_I then snapped, "You think you scare me, Valerie? I know fear. You make me want to laugh." Whitney looked at me concerned, "Freddie, calm down. She's just looking out for you." I sighed as I finished the bottle of whiskey, "Sorry, Valzie." Valerie came into the camera view, "Freddie, let's just go home…" I recoiled from her, "No, Valerie. I will go home when I want to. And I don't." I then asked loudly, "Does anyone want the Prince to go home?" I heard a cheering of "NO! NO!" I smirked at Valerie, "You go home." Valerie sighed in frustration before leaving. Whitney followed after her, "Hey, you can take **me** home."_

The video ended after that. Jared said, "We went to a tattoo parlor afterwards. You went to get the tattoo. I was going to get "Duke" on my back, but I knew what Molly would do if she found it…" I asked, "Who's Molly?" Jared explained, "My girlfriend. She wouldn't like it if I got something like that on me." I was reminded of the handkerchief. I pulled it out, "Do you know who gave me this?" Jared stared at it, "No. Sorry. That probably happened before I got there. You should ask Whitney. Just so you know, we agreed to meet tomorrow at the casino. Are you going?" I shrugged, "I don't know…" I looked up to see that I was in front of my mom's house, "Jared, we live on the same street." Jared looked at me, curiously, "Really? Hmm, interesting. Well, I better get back. I'm taking my sister to Austin for her ballet recital. Claire and Rich can't come. They're looking at houses. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" He waved at me before leaving. I waved at him, "Bye, Jared."

I went up to my house and I knocked on the door. It opened to reveal Valerie. She sighed in relief, "Oh, thank God. I didn't think you were able to come home." She led me into the house, "I covered for you. I told Marissa that you were at a friend's house. She didn't look like she bought it, but she didn't ask questions. Where were you?" I said, "Jared's…Valerie, I don't remember a lot from last night…If I said something to upset you, I'm sorry." Valerie sighed and smiled, "Don't worry about it. I knew it was the alcohol talking. I just didn't want you to let all that go to your head. It was only one night. You did a pretty impressive thing, but I doubt the people at the casino are really going to remember you. Come, let me make you some breakfast."

We went into the kitchen and I sat down at a small table. Valerie went over to the stove and she started on my breakfast. I watched her and I soon became hypnotized by the sunlight streaming in from the window. I never had a night that I didn't remember. Sometimes, on the worst nights, I try to block it out, but I still remember it.

Valerie had placed a plate of food in front of me. I stared at it a bit before pushing it away, "I'm fine, Valerie. I'm not hungry." Valerie sat down at the chair and pushed the plate back to me, "Eat. You haven't eaten anything in a long time." I stared at the plate and then looked away. Valerie's eyes then got wide with concern. She put her hand on my hand and caressed it, feeling the bone. I don't know why, but that action made me cry. Tears poured down my cheek and I tried to wipe them away. I hated it when people saw me cry. I wanted to have a bit of dignity. But I couldn't stop myself. She looked into my eyes and wiped away my tears. I looked at her, confused. Was this a romantic gesture?

Carly would do similar things when I came to her for comfort. I would be in ripped clothes, with blood all over my face, bawling my eyes out, and she would still try to come on to me. It made me trust her less. I knew she didn't mean to, that she was just jealous. She thought that Sam wasn't good for me and she would be better. It's…that's not true. Sam is good for me, she is…

Figuring I should return the gesture, I held her hand and reached over to kiss her. Valerie jumped back in surprise and let go of my hand. I hiccupped before I returned to my crying. Everything hurt. My hangover, my wounds were still there, and Valerie's rejection. I couldn't take it anymore.

Valerie sighed as she sat back down and stared at me, "You…Freddie, you never had a real friend, have you?" I looked up at her, "What do you mean?" Valerie said, "Someone to be by your side, someone with no romance, but still love and admiration." I asked, "Is this your way of rejecting me?" Valerie shook her head, "No. I'm not rejecting you, because you don't feel that way to me. Because you see things in black and white, Freddie. You either love someone or you don't. There is no in between to you."

I looked away from her and stared at the floor. Valerie then pushed the plate back to me, "Eat. You've lost all your energy just by crying." I repeated, "I'm not hungry." Valerie made me look at her and the look in her eyes…It's like that she knew…Valerie whispered, "What did she do to you?" I pulled away from her, "I have no idea what you're talking about." Valerie asked me again, "What did she do to you?"

I bit my lower lip to prevent myself from saying anything. I couldn't tell her. I couldn't. But it all came out as I slowly accepted the truth, "I lied. She hasn't stop. Every night is like hell. I've gotten more broken bones than a professional skateboarder. She cuts me, too. When I piss her off, she-she takes her knife and she cuts me, pours in salt. Oh God! It hurts so much when she does that. And she hurts me, mentally. She's kept me in her apartment for two years, like I'm a pet. And she insults me, calls me names, makes me feel worthless like life is not worth living. A couple nights ago, she really hurt me. She strangled me, whipped me on my stomach, and hit me. I had to leave. I came here. I thought that if I could just leave her for a while and come back. Then, she'll change, but she won't! She won't! It will be the same thing over and over again. I can't spend the rest of my life like this, Valerie. I can't. I love her, I really do, but she doesn't love me. Because if she did, she wouldn't hurt me. Right, Valerie?"

It was then that I saw that Valerie started to cry. She shook her head, "Oh, Freddie, little brother." She hugged me, "You deserve so much better." I pulled away from her, "No, I don't. That's the thing, Valerie. I don't. I stayed with her because Sam's the best I'm going to get." Valerie then snapped, "Shut up, Freddie. You know very well, that's a lie. You're smart, you're fun, you're the nicest guy I ever met. You can have any girl you wanted if you just had a little confidence." I looked at her in disbelief before I stared down at my plate. It looked so good and I haven't eaten anything in so long. It was then that I started eating.

I finished my breakfast within five minutes. I looked up at Valerie and she stroked my hair, "I'm not going to let her hurt you again. I'm going to help you get better, Freddie. Just go to bed, take a nap. I'll wake you up later." Valerie took my plate and put it in the sink. I got up from my chair and I heard her ask, "Do you feel better?" I sighed, "Sort of." I went upstairs to my room and took off my clothes. I was only in my boxers. I put the money in the drawer near my bed. I put the handkerchief in there as well. I got into the bed and fell asleep.

_"Freddie…it's beautiful," she gushed as she stared at it. The beautiful Mustang was sitting by our apartment building. "How did you afford this?" Sam asked as she stared at it. I shrugged, "Uh, pay raise at work." I was still working at the Academy. Sam grinned as she jumped in, "Wow, it's beautiful. Get in." I got in with her, "Well, take it for a spin." I handed her the key and she grabbed it. She turned the car on and the engine purred. "Happy Birthday, love," I said as I kissed her cheek. We put on our seat belts and she drove down the street._

_We were in silence for a while and I heard her ask, "So, what did you get Tina?" I turned to her, "Huh?" Tina was a student of ours. "Her birthday was today, too," Sam explained. "Oh, she's turning fifteen, right?" I asked. "You would know, you and her are so close," Sam said. I wish I had known that the car was getting faster. I said, "We don't talk about that. We talk about math equations and computers. She's really smart." Sam added, "With all that time you spend with her after school, you should know everything about her." I said, "I talk to other students, too, Sam. She's not the only one." It was then that I realized she was going fifteen miles over the speed limit. "That's practically a confession," Sam muttered. "Sam, slow down," I said, concerned. _

_Twenty miles over the speed limit. Sam turned to me and accused, "Don't think that I don't know what you are doing, Freddie. I know all about her and you." I was confused, "Sam, I don't know what you're talking about." Twenty-five miles over the limit. Sam gripped the wheel tightly, "Stop lying to me. I'm sick of being lied to, Freddie. All those late afternoons and nights at the school. "Tutoring" I'm not stupid, Freddie." She was reaching eighty miles per hour. I was getting scared. When she turned, I was thrown into the door and window. Sam asked, "Do you think I don't about you screwing around with those cute little school girls? For God sakes, Freddie, they're only kids." Eighty-five miles per hour. "Sam! Slow down!" I yelled. _

_It was then that Sam let go of the wheel and the car crashed into a lamppost. I felt the impact of the crash and of the airbags. The windshield shattered and cut my face, chest, and arms. I blacked out for a second and I found my head lying on the dashboard. I looked up to see Sam sitting in her seat, calmly. Glass that cut her face was stuck in her blonde hair and she was bleeding from the cuts. I could hear the siren in the background. She turned to me and smiled, "I forgive you, Freddie."_

I woke up to hear someone, "Calm down, honey, it's okay." I opened my eyes to see my mother holding me down. She was stroking my hair, "Calm down, you were having a nightmare, honey." I felt myself calm down. She let go of me, "Are you okay?" I nodded, "Yeah, it was just a dream." My mom said, "There's this man here to see you." I asked, "Dreadlocks and Californian accent?" She nodded. "That's Whitney. Tell him to come up in five minutes," I said as I got out of bed and dressed myself.

Mom left my room and Whitney came up a few minutes later, "Hey man, Jared texted me about what happened. Shucks for you, Freddie." I rolled my eyes, "Whatever. I don't plan for it to happen again." Whitney's eyes widened, "What? You can't do that. You can't deprive the casinos of yourself. You're the best thing to happen to a club since "Thriller." You should have seen yourself out there. You were like a different guy." I shrugged as I looked to the wall. I didn't really want to think about that now.

"Well, the reason I'm here is because that you need to learn how to dance. That way you'll really prove your princeness," Whitney said. I sighed, "I'm not in the mood, Whitney." Whitny rolled his eyes as he pulled me from the bed and he looked around my room, "Now, do you have a stereo?" He found one by the door. He took out his iPod and connected it to it. An upbeat rap song started. "Alright, stand up straight," Whitney ordered. I sighed as I did what I was told."

"Okay, hand out, pull it in, spin to the right…No, Freddie. Right. Good boy. Moonwalk for four seconds. Reign it in. Snap it, pop it, lock it, drop it. Down to the floor. Downer. Smile to the ladies. Reach for the ceiling, bounce."

"Bounce?"

"Yes, you heard me, right. Bounce. Now, break it, take it, shake it. Stand up, come on, use your hips. Clap, put your back into it."

I panted in exhaustion and I held my hand up in protest, "Can I have a break?" Whitney sighed, "Sure." I asked, "So, is that the whole dance?" Whitney snorted, "That's the first thirty seconds."

By the next day, I had fully kept my mind off of Sam. Whitney had taught me a few dances and I preoccupied myself with helping my mother around the house. I learned that I only had fifty thousand dollars out of my original jackpots left. I had apparently spent it all on the casino's patrons. Buying them all twenty dollar drinks. But anyway, Sam comes back to my mind. My wedding ring and the tattoo on my arm is a constant reminder. But Whitney and Jared will cheer me up. They're taking me out to the casino.

I decided to stay off the alcohol tonight. I mean, I wouldn't want to forget tonight. Now, I found myself at the poker table, already five thousand dollars added to my wallet. I was standing up when I noticed someone looking at me. I recognized the blonde hair from somewhere. But where? Oh yes, this person had been following us for a while. And I recognize him from the video. Whitney glanced at me and then at the person. Jared looked at the person, too. His eyes widened slightly in fear, "Freddie, we're in a bit of trouble." I was about to ask why when the person approached us.

The person was a young man in his mid twenties. He had sleek blonde hair and hard gray eyes. He was tall and thin. He wore a gold cross over his black suit. Two brute like men accompanied him on each side of him. He smiled at me, but I could tell that his smile was false.

"Hello, Freddie is it?" The man said. His accent was a faint Italian-American. He shook my hand, "My name is Lucas. Lucas Alto." Alto…Alto, why did that name ring a bell? Lucas continued, "I'm afraid that you are stepping on my turf, as you call it. This casino belongs to the Alto family. Our standing on the West Coast, if you know what I mean. I'm afraid that I'm going to ask you to leave." One of the goons beside him cracked his knuckles in a cliché manner. Whitney crossed his arms, "What do you mean by that, Al Capone?" Lucas regarded Whitney coldly, "And who are you?" Whitney said, "I'm Whitney and I don't take too kindly to Mafia bad boys hassling my main man." Lucas smirked, "And I don't take too kindly to taking orders from a "brotha" with a girl's name."

I could feel the anger from Whitney.

"Excuse me?" Whitney asked, laughing slightly, "I don't believe I heard you correctly." Lucas repeated, "I said that I don't take too kindly to taking orders from a "_brotha_" with a girl's name." Whitney glared at him and grabbed his collar, "I'm through with you. No one makes fun of my _name_." The men started to pull out guns. Jared pulled Whitney away from Lucas, "Calm down, Heir. Just chill. Lucas is harmless." I asked, "You know this guy?" Jared nodded as the men put their guns back in their jackets, "Yeah, Lucas is just pissed off that you're cutting into his profits." Lucas turned to me as he fixed his tie, "It is rather inconvenient, you must see that, Freddie."

I asked, "Well, what do you expect me to do?" Lucas said, "Well, if you insist on staying, I want a quarter of your winnings." Whitney asked, glaring at him, "And what do we get out of it." Lucas said, "Protection. Men like you are going to become targets if you keep acting like drunken imbeciles. I can also offer you the selection of the finest pleasures that Las Vegas has to offer." Jared glanced at me, wondering about my decision. I said, "A quarter isn't that much…Just apologize to Whitney and don't bother us again." Lucas glanced at Whitney and said, civilly, "I'm sorry for offending you, Mr. Whitney." Whitney smiled slightly, "It's cool, just don't do it again. I got enough of it during school, you know."

I decided to break the ice. I announced loudly, "Can I get a bottle of champagne over here? This is the beginning of a rather beautiful partnership." Lucas snickered, "You're so spirited….Perhaps there is some hope for you." I grinned slightly as the champagne was given to me. I paid the man and opened the bottle. The champagne sprayed around us.

"Now, let's party till we see the sunlight!"

_Thanks for reading and please review. Constructive critism, please._


	44. What Goes Around Does Come Around

_Happy New Year Everyone! Who is excited about "iSaveYourLife"? I got to admit that the teeny tiny Creddie fan in me is getting out her flag and soccer horn for this. Once again, do you want a chance to win a contest and become a guest star in A Darkened Mind? Message me for details._

**To My Reviewers**

_**iicarlyy-Ness**: Yes it was a flashback. It refers to the car Sam mentioned earlier in chapter sixteen and Freddie brought it up again in chapter thirty-five._

___**discostick0shalala: **Freddie is trying to have fun, since the past six years of his life have been a roller coaster in and out of hell. And someone like Whitney would be a sort of mentor to him...Well, not really. XD_

_**AlexLuvsAirwalks**: Thanks! I'm glad that you enjoyed it. I decided to make it a bit lighter, even though it dealth with some serious stuff._

_**iLoveNathanKrEsS**: Thank you for saying so. I'm glad that I was able to make it great. I didn't think it was one of the good ones, but I guess I'm wrong._

_**trainwreck17**: As for Sam abuse stories, I don't really like them. I don't think they are in character. I don't think that Sam would let anyone hurt her and if they did, she would beat the crap out of them. Especially when it comes to Jonah and Sam abuse stories which seem to be popping up a lot lately. I always thought of this sort of relationship happening between Sam and Freddie, ever since I first started to watch the show. And it wasn't until iMeetFred that I got the idea to start this. Thank you for reading and I hope you stay on board._

_**XxXDukeofAwesomenessXxX: **Thanks for reading. I am glad that you liked it._

_**Roseheart**: Could you be more clear on what you mean by dramactic descriptions? I took your note on thoughts and feelings with this chapter, though. Thank you a lot for the crictism and I hope you give more. I want this story to be the best that it can be. It's like my baby. :) _

_**LiveLoveDanceLaugh**: Good gracious, I am glad that you stuck around to finish it. I would have gotten tired and had to take a break if I tackled a fourty chapter story. Well, thanks for reviewing and keep reading._

**Chapter Forty-Four: What Goes Around Does Come Around**

_One month later…_

Today was the first day of winter, a day of supposed celebration to welcome the Christmas time. Not for me. Not for deadbeat artists like me. Since I was…laid off, I suppose, I have been sculpting around the clock, trying to make ends meet. I met this guy, Mr. Miguel Guaterz, who had just bought a mansion in Seattle. He's trying to stock his house with beautiful sculptures so he has me making sculptures whenever he needs one. I'm on the twentieth one right now. One after another, my hands have made modern to traditional like beauties that slowly lose their passion.

It's different when you are sculpting for money. You don't have the liberty of choosing what or when you want to sculpt. You have to do it so you can pay the bills. It loses its beauty. It becomes more of a chore than a way of life. Everyday, I have to force myself to get out of bed and sculpt. I begin to hate my creations instead of loving them with all my heart. But the pay is good. And I can afford to buy all that baby stuff. A crib, a changing table, the whole baby shebang. I want my kid to have the best of everything. Nothing less.

Angela and I will have to move our artist stuff into our room to make way for the nursery. Angela is talking about doing a border with little bears and ponies. I'm not sure she should be around paint that much. The chemicals in it could hurt the baby. I told Angela this and she snapped at me. Angela's been acting a bit strange lately. But I'm sure it's just the hormones. Women get a little bit irrational when they are pregnant. It's quite funny, really. I remember that Mom was similar to Angela when she was pregnant with Carly. It turns out that Angela was pregnant before we got married, but she didn't know until the morning before the actual wedding. So now she has a baby bump. We're getting an ultrasound in a few weeks. That way we'll see if it's healthy and if it is a boy or a girl. I hope it's a boy. One of the things that I'm excited about is the names. If it were a boy, I would name him Trevor or Christopher or something modern like Airplane. I would love to have a miniature Spencer running around. Socko says that the mere idea of another Spencer Shay on this planet scares the crap out of him.

Socko is still living with us. Still sleeping on our couch. Today, the thought crossed my mind to buy him a bed. Texas won't take him back and she's talking about "Alimony" and "Child Support" and "Assets" and "Divorce Attorneys". Socko gets into these shouting matches with her over the phone. Everything from "You're nothing but a selfish heifer" to "I love you, baby, please take me back". I don't know what to tell him. I have never been in a situation like this before. And it doesn't seem like he wants advice from me. He hasn't looked me in the eye for a long time and we haven't really talked in a week.

Today, I was delivering the latest sculpture to Mr. Guaterz. It was a little one, so I didn't have to rent a truck to take it over there. It's for his end table in his bedroom. It's a sculpture of a half naked woman wrapped around an oak tree. It was made out of balsa wood. The semi-erotic sculpture was just one in the collection. He wasn't a bad man, he was just a man that had a large amount of lust and no Mrs. Guaterz to help with that. Besides, I was used to the nakedness. It was the subject of a lot of Angela's work. She loved to show human beauty in men and women. I often model for her, but she hasn't asked me to do it lately.

Anyway, I had dropped off the sculpture and received my payment. Two hundred dollars. That's enough to get those baby clothes that Angela always gushes about. I smiled as I pocketed the money and I made my way down the street. I noticed that I was passing by Socko's old house. I sighed as I made my way to the door. Maybe I could talk to Texas. Reason with her.

I knocked on the door. I heard the triplets playing in the background. Lily, Colby…What's the other one? The one that is a mini scientist? Oh, yeah. Adam. I waited for an answer. The door opened to reveal Texas. Socko's wife was a brunette with bright green eyes. She was on the large side, constantly on a "diet", but never seeming to lose more than a few pounds a month. She had tan skin since she was outside a lot. She was a gardener and grew her own produce. Tomatoes, grapes, apples, and potatoes. She looked at me with a surprised expression, "Spencer, what are you doing here?" Ironically, her name betrayed her accent. She had a Northern accent. I smiled at her, "I just wanted to talk." She sighed as she stepped to the side and invited me in.

I went into the living room and sat down on the couch. I looked out the window to see the triplets in the backyard, playing on their little play area. I remember when Socko, Angela, Texas, and I built it last year. Texas sat down on the chair across from the couch, "This is about Socko, isn't it?" I nodded, "Yeah, if you can just tell me why you divorced him." Texas bit her lip, hesitantly, "…You can **not** tell Socko." I nodded, "Of course, Texas."

Texas and I went way back. All the way to high school. We were in the same graduation class. She was a different sort of artist. She was a clothing designer. We lost touch for a few years until we met again our tenth high school reunion. That's when Socko met her.

Texas looked out to the backyard and watched her children before she said, "I'm pregnant." My eyes widened in surprise, "What? You are? Then why are you kicking Socko out?" Texas looked to me, "Spencer, I'm not going to put Socko through this again. He made it very clear that he wasn't interested in having any more children. I'm not going to have him walk out on the triplets. I thought that if I just divorce him that he would still involved in the children's life." I said, "Socko is not that kind of guy. He'll be there for this child, the triplets, and you, Texas."

Texas sighed, "Even if you are right, he wouldn't come back to me now. After all that I had done, after what I had said." I shook my head, "No, that's not true. He misses you, he loves you. He's been on my couch for the past month complaining about how much he needs you. Just tell him that you want him back, tell him that you're pregnant. He won't walk out on you guys. He loves you." She rubbed her eyes, taking in a shaky breath, "I hope you are right, Spencer…Bring him back in the evening. I want him to be home in time for dinner." I smiled slightly as I gave her a hug and left the house.

I was so excited for Socko. He can come home now. He can be with his family. Just in time to spend Christmastime with his children. He was my best friend, he had been through so much, he deserved at least that.

I went back to the apartment and I found Socko sitting on the couch, cuddling a pint of ice cream. He was despondently looking at the television screen. I smiled as I went over to him, "Socko, great news!" He looked at me and asked, "What?" I said as I sat down next to him, "I talked to Texas and she's taking you back." His eyes widened as he stared at me, "Really?…She wants me back?" I nodded, "Yeah, isn't that great? It just took a little convincing." He was quiet for a moment. I asked him, "Well, aren't you happy?' Socko looked at me, "It's just…I can not believe that you did that for me." I grinned, "Well, of course I did, you are my best friend. I would do anything for you, buddy." It was then that Socko did something unexpected.

He started crying. My eyes widened in surprise, "What's wrong? I thought that you would be happy." He then said as he wiped away his tears and stared at me, "Can't you see what's going on?" I looked at him, confused, "What are you talking about?" He then whispered something. I asked, "What did you say?" He then screamed at me.

"I slept with Angela!"

I was in a state of shock to say the least. I could feel all emotion drain out of me from that one statement. I then laughed. Because it's impossible. Angela would never cheat on me. "You're joking aren't you? This is just a sick joke or a lie," I said, as my emotions started to come back. Socko then said, "I know where here tattoo is. The butterfly…" The butterfly. The blue butterfly that only I know about. She got it last summer…The one on her hip.

Rage. Anger. Fury. Jealousy. Betrayal. I punched Socko, yelling out in anger as my adrenaline went through the roof. Socko took the blow, not bothering to fight back or cry out. I then lunged for his throat, pressing my fingers on his neck. I tried to cut off his air. I wanted to kill him. I was never angrier with someone in my entire life. I felt his hands on my own, trying to pull them off. It was then when he choked out my name that I knew what I was doing. I pulled my hands off him and watched his gasp for air. I looked down at my hands and I realized that I was only seconds away from killing my best friend.

Socko said after he caught his breath, "It was only one time and I felt sick about it. I'll go. I'll leave and never come back. Can you forgive me?" I looked at him, "Get out…I don't trust myself not to hurt you again." He nodded as he left the apartment. I then started crying.

I couldn't believe it. She cheated on me. Angela cheated on me…with my best friend. She slept with him, my wife, the mother of my child. Oh God, is it even mine? Was Socko the only one? Were there others? Did she sleep with him in our bed? I love her. I did everything for her. The reason that I'm working my ass off on meaningless art is because of her. I don't understand, why did she do this to me? Doesn't she love me anymore? She left her husband for me.

It then dawned upon me.

She left her husband for me…It was karma coming back to bite me in my ass. The man before me was feeling the same feelings as I do now. This is Fate punishing me for sleeping with another man's wife. But that was different, he didn't love her. He spent all his time on business trips. I loved her, didn't she see that?

I then heard the door open. Angela came into the apartment. She was coming back home from work. She looked at me and smiled, "Hey, honey, I saw the cutest crib at The Cradle Will Fall." She dragged in this box with a picture of a crib on it. She opened the box and started taking out the pieces, "Now, I know it is early, but it was on sale and I would hate the pass it up. It has a little mobile on the top that plays classical music." It was then that I said, "Angela, we need to talk." She smiled, "Okay." She went over to sit next to me and I realized how disgusted I was with her. I couldn't even look at her. She then chuckled, "Spencer, say something. You're making me nervous."

I then said, "Socko told me what you two did." She then frowned, "Spencer…" I held up my hand, "Please, shut up. Just let me ask you something. Is this baby even mine?" She nodded, "Of course this is your baby. I'm not some sort of slut." I laughed, harshly. Angela said, "Just let me explain. It was two weeks ago. I was feeling lonely. You were sculpting for hours on end, we haven't made love for the longest time. And Socko was feeling lonely, too." I asked, "So, you, my wife, while bearing my child, slept with my best friend because…I wasn't spending enough time with you?" I was revolted with her. She made me want to retch.

Angela said, tears in her eyes, "Please, Spencer, I'm sorry. It was a moment of weakness and I didn't think that you would ever find out." I asked, "So you would have lied to me for the rest of our lives? Angela, you cheated on me. That's the one thing I asked of you. I wouldn't care if you were an alcoholic, a drug addict or even a nag. I would have been happy with you all the same. But you cheated on me. With Socko out of all people." I then said, "As soon as our child is born, I want you out of my life. I never want to see your lying face ever again."

Angela said, angrily, "It was just one time, Spencer." I then said, "I don't care, Angela. You made a promise to me. You stood there at the alter and made a vow to be faithful to me. And I'm not going to let you do this to me again." I stood up and walked away from her, "I just can't believe how stupid I could be. It was so obvious. You cheated on your husband with me, you cheated on me with Socko. You can't commit to anyone can you?" Angela followed me, "Spencer, you know about Tom. He was nothing like you. And don't you dare act like you're innocent. You slept with me. You slept with another man's wife. You were no better than Socko." I turned to her, "I know that, Angela. I acknowledge that. I thought it was because we were in love that you cheated on him. That you fell out of love with Tom…Does this mean that you love Socko?" The mere idea made me want to drop down and cry.

"No, it was just sex, Spencer," Angela said. She was talking to me like I was a little boy. "I don't see why you are so angry. It's not like I had an affair," She continued. "Love and sex isn't the same thing." I told her, "I didn't marry you just so you can sleep around with my best friend. Now, get out." Angela gasped in indignation, "Me? I know that you're not kicking me out. You should leave." I said, "I am not going any where. I did nothing wrong." I sighed, reminded of the fact that she was pregnant, "Well, you can stay here…For now. We can talk in the morning." Angela took my hand and put it against her cheek, "Please don't be angry with me." I snatched my hand away from her, "Angela, do you remember the night that I told you that I wanted to be with you."

Angela nodded, "Of course I do, at the opening of my painting." Spencer asked, "Do you remember what I said to you?" Angela said, "You said a lot of things, Spencer, I don't see-" I cut her off, "I said this. "You don't have to be hit to be abused." You can be abused in many ways, but all abusers are one thing: Liars. To themselves, to those around them."

It was in that moment that I grabbed her in anger and kissed her harshly. I then pulled away, "This will be the last time my lips will ever touch yours again." I then whispered something in her ear. I pulled away, "That will be the last time I will tell you I love you." Angela struggled to get out of my grasp, "Spencer, stop!" I then pushed her into the bedroom, slamming the door behind me, "And this will be the last time we will have sex."

I didn't know what was taking over me. It was like every emotion I had was boiling out. Rage. Anger. Sadness. Betrayal. Depression. I just wanted to hurt Angela. I wanted to hurt her for the way she hurt me. I wanted to take everything for her.

I pushed her against the bed and forced her to lie down. She was screaming for me to stop, but I ignored her. I ripped her shirt and started to think about how I was going to hurt her. It was then I heard another "Spencer, stop it!" But it wasn't from her. It came from inside my head.

It was Carly.

I then snapped back to reality. I saw Angela underneath me. She looked so scared. She was shaking. Her green eyes were wide in fear and I heard her whimper. I got off her instantly, "Oh God…"

I nearly raped my wife over a little fling.

Angela sat up and looked over to me. I then embraced her, "Oh Angela, I'm so sorry." Angela pulled out of my grasp, "No, Spencer. I should be the one apologizing. I think I understand now…" There was a silence. "Angela, I think…I think we are even now…" I sighed. She turned to me and hugged me, tightly, "Oh Spencer, I don't want to lose you. Please forgive me." I looked into her eyes and I said, "I'll try, Angela…It'll take time, but I will. Can you forgive me?" She nodded, "Of course, Spencer…If I were you, I would have done the same thing." I got off the bed, "Maybe I should go." Angela nodded as she took my hand. She kissed me, softly, "I'll see you later…" I sighed as I put my hand to her stomach, "For Trevor…" Angela smiled slightly, "Or Kylie…" I tried to find humor, but I couldn't. I then left the apartment. There was only one place I could go.

I took a cab to Darlington Towers. I had to go see Freddie and Sam. Maybe a scene of their perfect relationship would knock some sense into me. Of course, I'm sure that they didn't want me to drop by unannounced, but I hadn't heard from Freddie in a while. I wanted to see how they were.

I knocked on their apartment door and I heard some swearing coming from inside, "God damn it all to hell. Who in the hell is knocking on my damn door at one o'clock in the goddamn morning? I'm going to kill that bitch or bastard…" There were also the sounds of keys and chains coming off. I frowned slightly as the door opened. I saw Sam's glaring eyes through a tiny slot, "…You're not Freddie…" I smiled sheepishly, "Sorry?" Sam growled before she shut the door and opened it once more after she took off the chain. Sam invited me inside, "Sorry about me yelling. The locks are a bitch to open now." She closed the door. I saw that in addition to the new chain and original locks, there were two new locks and several other chains.

The apartment itself looked like a tornado blown through it. Discarded papers were on the floor along with trash. From where I stood I could see the kitchen. Dirty dishes in the sink, grease on the counter, dishes on the table, and the flicking light bulb. By the door there was an end table that was piled in bills that seem to be from the last two months. Sam herself was wearing an old shirt that was loose on her. It exposed her elbows and it reached her thighs. She was wearing dirty jeans under the shirt. She was barefoot. It looked like she had not showered in a while. Her hair was in messy curls that fell down to her elbows.

"Sam…are you okay?" I asked. "I'm fine," Sam muttered, sitting down on the couch. "You don't look fine," I said as I sat down next to her. "Look are deceiving," Sam said as she pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. She set her head on her knees. "…Where's Freddie?" I asked. Sam dug her nails into her legs, "He's…he's out…" I shook my head, "No, you are lying. Please tell me, Sam." Sam whispered as she looked at me, "Freddie left me…" My eyes widened as I immediately hugged her, "Oh, Sam, I'm so sorry."

I couldn't believe it. Freddie leaving Sam? That was just crazy. That was like the sun leaving the sky. Freddie and Sam were the perfect couple. They would never leave each other. What was going on?

"Why did he leave?" I asked. Sam looked at me, "He…I don't know why he left…I don't even know where he is." I asked, "Did you call his mother? He's probably there." Sam shook her head, "No, but he's not there. I can tell. Spencer, I wish that he would come back. I wish I knew what happened. I want to know what I did wrong." I sighed as I took her hands, "Sam…I'll find Freddie for you." Sam's eyes shined, "You would do that…for me?" I nodded, "Of course. I'll find and I'll drag him back here kicking and screaming if I have to. He deserves to answer for leaving you." Sam whispered, "I would do anything to have him back. I love him, Spencer. I love him so much. He had left me before, but he would be back by now. He's been gone for a whole month. Who knows where he is? What he has done? I do not know if he is hurt or if he is with another woman." I asked her, "Sam, why didn't you tell me about this? I would have helped you." Sam said, "Because I was stupid enough to believe that Freddie needed me and that he would come back to me." I said, "Freddie does love you. I don't know what is going through his mind right now, but I will do everything to find out where he is."

However, something like this cost money. Especially if we literally search for Freddie. Money for travel, maybe some to pay off people, and not to mention I had to keep some money for Angela…Even after what she did to me, we are still married. I made a vow to provide for her. I have to keep my vows even though she broke hers. I had another sculpture to work on for his guy. I was going to get five hundred dollars for it.

"Sam, just give me a few days to get some money and we will go down to Las Vegas to find out where Freddie is. He might not be there, but his mother probably knows where he is," I said. I smiled at her, "We will get him back." Sam grinned, happily, "Oh, Spencer, thank you!" She hugged me tightly and I hugged her back.

She was like my sister, I had to help her. It was the right thing. But why do I feel sick to my stomach?

_Thanks for reading and please review._


	45. Poor Unfortunate Souls

_Hey, guys, I hope you enjoy this chapter. Once again, do you want a chance to win a contest and become a guest star in A Darkened Mind? Message me for details. The deadline is January 17, 2010._

**To My Reviewers:**

_**LiveLoveDanceLaugh**: No problem and I hope you keep reading. I can tell that it's going to be pretty good._

_**iLuvNathanKrEsS**: Spencer to me seems like the sort of person who wouldn't be enraged unless he was fully pushed to the edge. Other than that, he is a pretty happy and easy going guy. How can you not love him? I saw the iSavedYourLife promo and it took me five minutes to realize how this could affect Creddie. The only thing that was going through my mind was "That shot of him pushing Carly out of the way wasn't that flattering..." Yeah, I think too much._

_**MissSteffy**: Thanks for reading. I sort of wanted Angela's infidilty to be a shock to readers just like it was to Spencer. I think it makes Spencer more relatable._

_**HouseBonesNCISfreak**: Well, that is easy for you and anybody, really to say. I'm not saying that it is wrong to say that. It might have never accured to Freddie to actually fight back, since in his mind he loves her._

_**discostick0shalala**: No offense taken. It would not be a surprise if she did have a mental illness, most abusers do._

_**XxVampRomancexX**: They are in their early twenties. I tried to make it a specific age, but there's too many days and years to track as it is._

_**star-gazing-in-LA**: To answer your questions: Maybe, maybe, no. ^^_

_**iicarly-ness**: Yes she is. Sam will do what she can to get her way._

_**Lost In The Lies**: That is a good visiual. Pretty realistic, considering Freddie's mindset._

_**brightshadow1**6: Thanks for saying so. I took a risk with Spencer's rage, because I wasn't sure if that was him or not. _

_**Roseheart**: Well, Socko was at a delicate point. He was lonely and vulnerable to someone like Angela to come around. She's not an innocent saint, so remember that. The one word sentences was something I often use in monologues, to emphasize how emotions go one on top of the other. I'm sorry that you didn't like it._

_**XxXDukeofAwesomenessXxX: **Well, the chapter after this one is Vivian and after Vivian is Freddie. I thought that we needed a Sam chapter since her last one was eight chapters ago._

_**Kirsti-Anna3567**: No problem and you are right. Sam isn't a throughout evil person. There is some good in here, though it is trapped by selfishness and violence._

_**Naruto Ninja44**: I understand about the dialogue in paragraphs. I would put it in seperate sentences, but all that white space on the screen irritates my eyes and make the story seem empty. I don't know why. As for the characters, I understand what you mean. A few days after putting my last chapter up, I reread it and realized that Angela would have reacted differently to the whole situation. As for Valerie, there was only one episode on her, which I have not seen since August, maybe, so I apologize for her to be OOC. Thank you so much for the critism and please review more._

_**Hello!!:** Thank you for reviewing. I really appreciate it. As for the diary question, do you mean the one about where it is? If I told you, it would ruin the surprise and you wouldn't keep coming back to read if you already know what happens, would you? ^^_

**Chapter Forty-Five: Poor Unfortunate Souls**

I had tumbled out of bed at around one o'clock in the afternoon. I had been asleep for the last fifteen hours. I was so numb that I couldn't even register that I fell on the floor. I just picked myself up and rubbed the slightly throbbing leg until it was soothed. I'm sure that I hurt my arm and head, too, but I did not feel the soreness. I stood up and crawled my way back into bed. I nestled myself under the covers, wanting nothing more than to just let the sheets swallow me whole so that I could stay stuck in this state of warmth and comfort.

I never felt this way before. I feel so numb to the world around me that I see no reason to get out of bed. And there is no reason. I have no job, no family, no talent. There is no reason for me to even exist anymore. I had never contemplated suicide before since I am not a quitter, but my thoughts are starting to become towards ending my life. They scare me because I think that I might actually do it. If Freddie were here, than he would comfort me. Even though he is the reason that I am feeling this way, I still want him here to tell me that everything will be okay.

A whole month is a long time, especially when you live in the now. Freddie and I haven't even spoken in a whole month. We never even have been more than two weeks without each other. We would go crazy. But now, I know that he doesn't feel that way. I have no idea where he could be or why he hasn't come back yet. Was I so awful that he had to leave me? Was I? I was a bit demanding and a little bit violent, but it's not like that his life was so awful with me. And he would tell me that he understood why I hurt him. And it wasn't like I intentionally wanted to hurt him. I love him.

I curled up in the cold bed and tried to fall asleep. I haven't even left the apartment in a week. There was no point, you know. I glanced over at the clock from under the sheets. I stuck my head back under and closed my eyes. Maybe in an hour, I'll drop by The Gingerbread Lady's bakery and get enough sweets to last me for the next few months. That way, I'll never have to leave this apartment until spring. Maybe Freddie will never come back. But Spencer promised me that he would find Freddie. But what if Freddie wouldn't come back? What if we don't find him? What if he just fell off the face of the Earth? What if he's shacked up with some woman that won't let him go? As these questions and more fly through my head. I found myself falling asleep with that thought in my mind.

"_Fredward, give me one good reason why we are still here," I said, sourly as we walked through the summer carnival. "Come on, Sam, this is supposed to be fun," Freddie said as he looked at me, playfully. We were only fifteen years old. It was the summer after our freshman year. The summer that I fell in love with him. I wonder if you could classify that day as our first date? I rolled my eyes, "Trust that a dork like you would drag me to a snooze fest like this. What kind of carnival has no Ferris Wheel?" I asked as I indicated the lack of rides. Freddie rolled his eyes, "Excuse me that I would try to have fun with you. You being my friend and everything." I said, "You must be some sort of __masochist__ to want to hang out with me, Fred-dodo." _

_Freddie looked at me and smiled as we walked through the carnival, "Perhaps, I am, Sam." I rolled my eyes. Stupid Freddie. He looked to one of those game booths. The one where you throw darts to hit the balloon. If it pops, you win the prize. I saw him pull out his black wallet. I pointed out, "Those games are rigged, you know. You're wasting your money." He looked at me, "I know what I'm doing, kiddo." I pointed out, "Two months, you're only two months older than me, dork." He smirked as he went to pay the man for the darts. He tossed one dart at the balloon and missed. "Score!" I yelled, mockingly. He rolled his eyes and threw the second dart. Missed. I watched him throw the last dart. It hit the balloon. I smirked, "Not bad, Fred-head. Now, you can tell all your AV geek friends about it." Freddie got a large, white stuffed bear with a blue nose and I felt my heart sink. _

"_Let me guess? Another gift for Carly to throw in the trash?" I asked, slightly irritated with the boy. I hated how he would do things like that for Carly and she would treat it like it was nothing. "Nope," Freddie said as he handed the bear to me. "…For me?" I asked as I took the bear into my arms. "Yeah," He said, smiling at me. No one's ever won a gift for me before…That was what was going through my mind. I didn't notice that I started to sniffle. "Are you okay?" He asked, concerned. "Yeah," I said, trying to cover up my feelings, "It's just that…you are such a hopeless dork, it makes me emotional." Freddie sighed as he shook his head, "I thought that you would like it." I smirked as I whacked him on the head with the bear. It was my way of saying "Thank you". I think that Freddie knew._

I woke up to find myself on the floor once more. I did not get up. I just stayed on the floor. I had no motivation to get up. I just lied on the floor, accepting the cold and hard bed for the time being. The bear had been cheap and the stuffing was hard, but I had cherished the bear like it was a religious idol. Now, I don't even have it to be my Freddie substitute. I have nothing at all to comfort me in this moment of extreme loneliness. I had always been sort of a loner. Carly, Spencer, and Freddie were all I needed and all I wanted. I didn't like people that much. I didn't trust people. They were the only ones I trusted. I trusted them that they would never leave me like my father did. But Carly left, Carly died. Freddie abandoned me. Besides last night, Spencer and I haven't even spoken in the last few weeks.

I am truly alone with no one in my life.

I hear a knock on the door. I got excited. Freddie? Freddie! I got up and ran to the door. Damn! I forgot about the new locks. Two weeks ago, I sort of lost it for a moment. I had a hallucination from some anti-depression pills. I was never good with medication like that. Anyway, I thought Freddie came back. And I was going to make sure he would never left me again. I bought all the locks and chains that I could afford to buy with the money I had in my wallet. I put them all in and by the time I came too, I was mumbling nonsense and I felt like I lost my mind.

Anyway, I found all the different keys and started to open the locks. The knocks on the door started to become more and more unrelenting. "Coming. Coming!" I said as I finally took off the last chain and opened the door. "Oh…it's you," I said in disappointment as I opened the door farther, "Come on in." She smirked as she walked in behind me,

My mother looked around my dirty apartment and as she did I took a good look at her. Even though she was in her early forties, she didn't look so. My mother was a tall, busty woman with wrinkles around her blue eyes. Growing up, my mother changed her hair color so much that I never really knew what the real color of her hair was. Today, she was had long beach blonde hair in a ponytail. She was wearing a jeans jacket over a red tank top with a pair of jeans that was too skin-tight for someone of her age. She had on a shoulder purse that seemed to cost more than my rent.

"What is it, Mom?" I asked as I sat down on the couch. "I wanted to check up on you and your lovely little husband, Freddie," My mother said as she sat down at a chair. "He's not here," I said, glaring at her." My mother smirked as she looked through her purse and pulled out a Nicorette pack of gum. She put a piece in her mouth and started chewing, "Oh, where is he then?" I stayed quiet. "Melanie told me," My mother said. Damn, that bitch can't keep anything to herself, can she? I thought as I crossed my arms, "What of it?" My mother asked, "Why are you not out there, finding him?" I glared at her, "I don't know where he is and I am sure he'll be back any day now."

My mother snorted as she continued to chew on the gum, "I thought the same thing when your father left." I said, "Freddie and I aren't like you and Dad. And I'm not you. I didn't drive Freddie off. I wasn't stupid like you." My mother said, "Sam, you are just like me, whether you like it or not." I stood up and walked over to the other side of the room, "No, I'm not." My mother stood up and followed me, "I knew from the moment you were born that you were going to be just like me. No matter how much you fight it you and me are the true twins." She smirked as she laughed, "Listen to me, I sound like some dramatic villain in those stupid movies that Freddie likes." She then said, seriously, "But it is true."

I changed the subject, "So, you are finally quitting smoking?" She smirked, "There's a hot thirty-five year old doctor I'm trying to snag that won't touch a smoker. He's making three million a year, just on interest from his bank accounts." I asked, "What happened to Phillip?" My mother rolled her eyes, "He started talking about getting married and having kids. I'm not popping out any more of the little brats. Not to mention it will take me years to lose all that baby fat." I asked, "So the fact that you are forty-two and have two grown children has no bearing on having more kids?" The idea of her having another child disgusts me. Especially since I am old enough to have children myself.

My mother smirked as she went into the kitchen and opened the cabinet, "Hn, you have all the good stuff." I didn't know what she was talking about until I saw her pull out a bottle of wine. "It's Freddie's," I said. I didn't know the difference between the good and bad stuff. My mother took out a bottle of wine and a glass. She poured herself a glass of wine. I asked, "Did you come here for a reason?" My mother said as she sipped her glass, "I just don't want your whole life to be ruined before it starts. Melanie says you got fired." I balled my fists at that and dug my nails into my palms, "I didn't get fired. The little bastard closed the school down and I'm out of a job."

My mother asked, "Are you planning on getting a new job?" I said, "I have some money saved up. By the time I run out, Freddie should be back and I'll just rely on him." My mother glared at me, "Samantha, I never want to hear you say that again." I looked at her, concerned, "What do you mean?" She said, pointing her finger at me in a scolding motion, "I don't want you to ever have to rely on someone…Especially a man. If you rely on someone, they control you. And I never want you to go through that." I pointed out, "Dad worked. You didn't." My mother pointed out, "I had an inheritance from my grandmother and a trust fund, something that would support me. I never depended on your father. I never depended on a man. I would rather go hungry than wait for a man to take care of me."

I sighed as I realized that she did have a point. I had my pride. She said, after a moment, "Sam, darling, don't make the same mistake I did." I asked, "What do you mean?" My mother told me, "Your father was the best thing that ever happened to me. He took me out of a bad place in my life." I said, "You let him go, though. You didn't want him to come back." My mother said, "Your father had never left before, I thought that he would come back. It wasn't until you girls turned seven that I realized that I was never going to see your father, my husband, ever again."

It was then that I saw her frown and take in a breath, "I lost the only man who ever loved me…." She then looked to me, "What happens between you and Freddie is your own business, but you need to get him back…And make sure he never leaves you again." She set down the now empty glass of wine and reached into her purse, "I wanted to give this to you. I was waiting for the right time, but now is when you need it." She pulled out a small box and gave it to me. I opened the box. Inside was a silver ring. It looked like it had been broken before, but it had been fixed. It was old and the silver had dulled. "It was your grandmother's," My mother said. "J'Mam-maw?" I asked. She nodded, "It was passed down from her mother and her mother and her mother before that. It is an old family heirloom that our ancestor bought in England before she came to the Americas. And now it goes to you and your daughter." I looked at her in shock, "Why are you not giving it to Melody?"

My mother sighed as she stroked my hair, "Because however smarter and more perfect Melody is, she will never have this ring." I put the ring on, "Thank you." My mother then pulled out her wallet and handed me a business card, "Remember the doctor I had mentioned before? He is looking for a new nurse and with your medical training, I am sure that he would hire you. Just till him that Ivy sent you." I nodded and put the card into my pocket, "Alright." After a silence, my mother went to the door, "Take care, Sam." I sighed, "You, too, Mom." She opened the door and left the building.

I sighed as I made my way to the bathroom. I glanced in the mirror and saw my disheveled appearance. If Freddie knew what how I was feeling now, he would be back. He didn't want me to be hurt. He would take care of me. Freddie was so kind, so caring. He was the perfect companion. When I got mad at him, I would tell him that he wasn't worth having. I would tell him that he was an awful boyfriend and that no one would ever want him. But that was not something new. No, it wasn't.

_We were young. We were just children. We had barely passed the marks of puberty. We were barely at the age to be considered teenagers. Freddie still had a squeaky voice, though it was starting to crack a little. We were hanging out in Carly's apartment, as usual. We had all just recovered from the whole Jake Crandall thing. I was lying on the floor of the living room, half asleep but still stuffing greasy chips into my mouth as I watched TV. Carly and Freddie were on the couch. I glanced over to see that Freddie started to put his arm around her, but Carly pushed him away. "Carly, can I ask you something?" Freddie asked, nervously. "The answer is no," Carly said as she scooted away, irritated. Freddie sighed as he looked back at the TV. I said as I sat up, "God, Freddie, get a life. Carly is never going to love you. I don't see why any girl would." Freddie glared at me and threw a pillow at me. It missed me, so I just chuckled, "You couldn't get a girl, even if you paid her. Why would they want you, when they could have a disgusting loser?" I laughed at that._

_Freddie stood up and ran upstairs without another word. "Sam, go apologize to Freddie," Carly said, maternally. I rolled my eyes, "Why should I apologize to the wuss?" Carly said, smiling at me, "I'll let you have all the bacon in my fridge." I said, "I would have taken it anyway." My best friend rolled her eyes as she watched the television. Fifteen minutes past. "Hmph, maybe I should check on the dork," I said as I stood up and walked upstairs. I went down the hallway, into the iCarly studio. I found Freddie in a corner, crying. He was sitting down and had wrapped his arms around his knees._

"_Freddie?" I said, my smirk instantly fading. I walked over to him and sat down next to him, "Are you okay?" Freddie looked at me, "Why do you care? All you do is boss me around and bully me. Why do you give a damn?" I looked at him in surprise, "Freddie, I never heard you swear before." Freddie sighed as he looked down, "Can you just leave me alone? I don't anyone to see me like this. I hate it when people see me cry. Especially you." I asked him, wondering why I was feeling concerned about this boy, "Are you crying about Carly?" He nodded, "Yeah…" I shook my head, "Don't cry over her. She isn't worth it." He said, "It's not just her. No one would ever want me. You are right. No one would ever want a geek like me." I patted his shoulder, "I understand." He then pushed my hand away, "You don't understand." I asked, "Why don't you think that I would understand?"_

_He said, "Because you are so strong and so confident and so carefree. And I'm weak and insecure and a wreck. How could someone like you __**ever**__ understand someone like me?"_

What he had said stuck in my mind for the longest time afterwards. But he did not realized how much I was just like him. I blinked as I looked into the mirror. I knew that force was the only thing that kept Freddie with me. I didn't have looks, I didn't have personality. He would have left me long ago if I didn't make him stay.

His love for me would die if I didn't keep it alive.

_Thanks for reading and please review. *puppy dog eyes*_


	46. God Help The Outcasts

_So I saw iSaveYourLife and I was so pleased because I knew that was going to happen. I could feel it in my bones. And I have to say that was one of the more funnier ones. Better than iThinkTheyKissed by a million points. Come on producers! We can't have Creddie episodes beating Seddie episodes in funniness and cuteness. _

_As for the contest, it is over and the winner will be annouced next chapter along with their guest starness._

**To My Reviewers:**

_**LiveLoveDanceLaugh: **Thanks! ^^ Please keep reading._

_**MissSteffy**: I know how you feel. Sam is just so complex, that I don't know whether to love her or hate her. To show her soft side or a hard side._

_**discostick0shalala**: Yeah, I know what you mean. Sam and Freddie have a lot of problems (personality wise and mentally) When you put those type of people in a relationship....It's not that good._

_**The Phantom Hokage**: Thanks for reviewing and keep reading._

_**iicarlyy-ness**: About fifty-ish chaps left. I'm almost half way done._

_**Lost In The Lies**: ^^ I was listening to the soundtrack when I wrote the chapter, so that's how it got in my head. And yes, we will be seeing Melanie in the future._

_**AlexLuvsAirwalks**: Me, too! Let's hug her together!_

_**Kirsti-Anna3567**: I understand what you mean about her killing the love, it's just that she doesn't undrestand that she is killing it._

_**Naruto Ninja44**: I feel the same way! Whenever I see her, I think "Joy should have a twin and that twin should be Sam's mom!" Thanks about the quote. I figured that it fit the situation._

_**PK711**: Oh, yes it's going to be long and I love the book "Catcher in The Rye"_

_**XxXDukeOfAwesomenessXxX: **It ended on January 17, last Saturday. Thanks for the review._

_**Roseheart**: Well, understand what you are saying and I won't use that method a lot. And I'll probably rewrite a bit of chapter fory-five, so I'll clear everything all up._

**Chapter Forty-Six: God Help The Outcasts**

It was a slow day at the bakery, so I closed up early. I sent my assistant home and I let Jackson chill out at the table. He was reading one of my historical romance novels. Usually, boys his age would be reading comic books or adventure series. But no. I doubt that he has even read a book with a male Point Of View outside of the Harry Potter Series. His iPod buds were in his ears and he was humming along to the music. I kept track on the music he downloaded, so I knew that he wasn't listening to anything he wasn't suppose to.

I was behind the counter, sorting the Christmas themed goodies on the display. Gingerbread men, chocolate trees, fudge in the shape of angels, and Santa Claus sugar cookies. Jackson would get up from his chair every now and then to get a treat. He thought that he was being sneaky and that I didn't notice, but I did not mind. He had only had a couple of cookies and a piece of fudge. Any more and he would get a nice slap on the hand for it.

Time outs don't seem to work, but I didn't believe in beatings. I was at the middle. Jackson was a good kid, so I didn't punish him a lot. Even if I yell at him, I feel bad about it afterwards and figure that it was punishment enough. Tony was a strict father and he would not hesitate to smack Jackson if he smart mouthed him. When Jackson learned how to talk, he didn't stop. And he didn't know that some of the stuff he said was bad. For instance he didn't know that commenting on his father's gluttony would get him a slap on the face. He wasn't mature enough to know. I wonder if that is why Jackson is so quiet and timid now.

I imagined that if some people knew, than they would blame me for not stopping it. I was stupid, I was a girl, I was a child myself. I didn't know that it would be considered harsh. Tony said his father did the same thing to him and he would do the same to his children. I followed him, blindly, like a lamb. I didn't know better. I left all the discipline up to my husband. But I would draw the line at anything past that.

If Tony did to Jackson what Sam does to Freddie, I would slit his throat. Ear to ear. A month had past since Freddie left. He would call me every week to talk to me. He seemed to sound happier each time he called. I slept better, knowing that he was happy. I was thinking of selling the apartment building or at least moving out of it. I couldn't stand that Sam would still be in the same building as my son and I. I wanted to confront her, but Freddie begged me not to. He didn't want me to be further involved because of him. He thinks that she would do something to me. I respected his wishes, so I did not seek her out.

It was then that I heard a rapped tapping on the door to the bakery. I looked through the glass door to see Tuli. She waved at me, smiling eagerly. I laughed as I went to unlock the door to the bakery, "Tuli, I haven't seen you in a while." She looked at me and smiled, sadly, "My husband isn't back yet. I sort of went through a bit of depression." I looked at her sympathetically, "I'm so sorry." I hugged her tightly and took her over to the display case, "Would you like something to eat?"

Tuli nodded as she started cramming sweets into her mouth. I laughed at that as I went to sit down on a chair. Jackson took out his iPod and tried to press play, repeatedly. I guess the batteries died out. Tuli glanced at him, "…Is that your kid?" I nodded, "Yeah. His name is Jackson." Tuli looked at him for a moment before saying, "You let him have an iPod? When I was seven, all I had was a cassette player." Jackson blinked as he looked at her, "What's a cassette player?" Tuli and I turned to each other and laughed.

Jackson frowned slightly as he put the iPod down. Tuli giggled as she asked, "Do you remember when anyone who was anyone had Razor phones?" I laughed, "And the very next year it was all about the slider phones?" She added, "And then it was the touch screen?" We laughed a bit before we died down.

Jackson looked at us in confusion as he shook his head and returned to his book. Tuli looked at him closer, "And he reads Julia Quinn? What else do you do? Watch the Godfather for fun?" Jackson replied, timidly, "Mom won't let me." Tuli laughed at that, "Man, Gingerbread Lady, who have a one of a kind kid." I smiled as I looked at Jackson who had buried his nose in the book with a self-conscious flair.

Tuli hummed as she picked up a gingerbread man, "Maybe, if I cooked like you did, maybe my man would have stayed around." She started to laugh it off, but then she showed tears in her eyes. I looked at her, concerned. I walked over to her and put a hand on her shoulder, "…Tuli, if you ever need to talk, I am here for you." She looked at me and smiled, "I know you are and I want to talk…I need to talk to someone." She sat down and I sat down next to her. "Whenever you are ready," I said, gently.

"I think he's with another woman," Tuli said, quietly. "Why?" I asked. "Because I can tell. We…we didn't have any problems until the moment he left. Either he's lost his mind or he left me to be with someone else," Tuli said. "Are you sure there weren't any problems?" I asked. She looked at me and asked, "Are you calling me a liar?" I shook my head, "No I am not calling you a liar. It's just that…sometimes we block things out and we don't realize what is going on around us. Until it is too late." I took out my wallet, feeling confident about what I was going to tell her.

I handed her a photo, "His name is Tony. Tony Alto." She looked up at me in surprise, "Of the Alto crime family in New York?" I asked in surprise, "You are familiar?" She nodded, "Yeah, one of my uncles was in the family. He was some muscle for the don." I sighed as I continued, "He was my husband." Tuli looked to me and then at the photo, "But he's…old." I sighed as I took the photo from her, "It was the foolish mistake of a stupid girl who thought that she was in love." Tuli looked at me and smiled, "I think I understand…" I then asked, "Are you familiar with what the Alto Family itself?" Tuli nodded, "Yeah, they're low on the radar when it comes to the Feds and local police. They do a great deal with smuggling. Guns, drugs, animals, human trafficking, what have you." I nodded, "Yes, there was also an up and coming smuggler who was a threat to the family. He turned up dead in a dark alleyway. Shot once in the back of the neck. Six months later, my husband was convicted of his murder."

Tuli's eyes widened as she looked at me. I guess that she never imagined that I would be married to someone like that. "What I am saying is that it took me six months to accept what happened. But there were a lot of clues. Late nights, changing behavior. I thought that it was another woman, but it was worse," I explained, "You just could be blinding yourself to what is really going on." Tuli looked over to me and she hugged me. It felt good to have the comfort of a friend. It had been such a long time since I had a friend. A real, true friend. My therapist only did so much. I paid him to listen to me. Tuli asked for nothing. I asked nothing from here.

Tuli sighed, "Well, I better get going. I…think I need to think about what is going on." I said, "Hey, if you ask me, any man that was willing to walk out on someone as fun and as sweet as you does not deserve your heartbreak. But I hope that he comes to his senses and you two stay together." She smiled and nodded, "If…When he comes back, I'll have to introduce you two." I said as we both stood up, "I would love that." Tuli grabbed a cookie from the display case and went on her way, waving to me.

I smiled as I went to set up the display case again. I then heard Jackson, "Mom?" I turned to him, "Yes, sweetie?" He looked up from his book, "How come you know the same lady I know?" I was about to ask him what he was talking about when my phone vibrated. I picked it up, "Hello?"

"Why, hello, Vivian, have you thought about my offer?" I knew that voice.

I smirked as I replied, "Maybe I have. It's just that I'm so busy. Jackson has his violin lesson and I have to clean the apartment. You understand, Stephen."

I could hear him whine, playfully, "Oh, but all I ask is for one dinner. One simple dinner. Perhaps, we could order off the dollar menu at McDonalds if you want."

I laughed at that, "Stephen, as much as I would love to do that, I am just too busy."

He was persistent, "Come on…Let me pick you up at seven and let me take you out."

I sighed, "Well…If I can get a baby-sitter for Jackson, I'll do it."

I could hear his grin, "Oh, good. I'll pick you up at seven if that's okay for you."

I told him, "It's fine. I'll call you if anything changes."

We hung up on each other. His name was Stephen. Stephen Rockefeller. I had met him in the park last month. He would call me once every few days to talk and ask me out to dinner. I would make up an excuse, because I did not want to get involved with another man. I was still enamored with Freddie, but now…I guess what is changing is the fact that he is so far away now and he seems so much happier. I can't insert myself into his life like that. Not now.

I forgot about Jackson's comment as I continued to fix up the store. He resumed reading his book, forgetting about what I had said to him. I finally took Jackson to his piano lesson and went to my therapist.

I went into Gibby's office and I sat down on the settee. I sat there for a while, drumming my fingers on my knees. I wondered when he was going to walk through the door and greet me, but he never did. I waited fifteen minutes before I finally decided to go see the receptionist. I asked the woman, "Excuse me, but when is Mr. Carlson supposed to be in?" She looked at me, "Are you a patient?" I nodded. She asked, "Well, didn't you get a letter? He quit. He moved to Japan to patch things up with his wife. He's starting a practice there, too." I must have been wearing my emotions because she looked at me, sympathetically, "Don't worry, there are other therapists if it is an emergency." I shook my head as I went on my way.

I couldn't believe that Gibby would do something like that to me. Just up and leave…Then again, it is his life. I am just his patient. I shook my head. I did not need a therapist. I was fine. I could handle my own problems. I walked back to my apartment. Jackson would be waiting for me to pick him up in an hour. I sat down on the couch and grabbed a remote to turn on the stereo. I turned it on to my classics. Latin, Mozart, what have you.

I closed my eyes as I took in the music. I began to listen to my body. I let myself lay down and I let my soft breathing take me into my dreamland.

_I was in a jungle. A hot and humid jungle. I was walking through it and I found myself in a clearing. It was a clearing near a waterfall and I felt calm and at peace. I then heard wounded cries. I noticed a black panther lying down in the grass. I looked closer to see an arrow that went right in his side stomach. I noticed blood on the fur and the panther was in a pool of blood. I walked over to it and I noticed that the panther was not want it appeared to be. The face was feline, but human. Freddie._

_I bent down and I heard him growl in protest. I went to grab the arrow and he snarled viciously. He glared at me with hateful eyes. I then pulled the arrow out. He howled in pain as I pulled the arrow out. He then looked up at me, gratefully. He started to lick the blood off himself. I rubbed his head, comfortably. He finished cleaning himself and laid his head in my lap. I scratched behind his ears and I heard him purring. I smiled at that. But then, an arrow came through the air and hit a tree behind us._

"_FREDDIE!" I heard someone scream. He jumped out and ran out of the clearing as fast as he could. I turned to see who it was, but I couldn't see…I became blind._

I blinked as I woke up. I glanced over to look at the clock. Four thirty…Oh, God! I'm late! I immediately jumped from the couch and ran out of the apartment. I got into my car and drove over to The Music Hall where Jackson had his lessons. I drove up to the entrance to find Jackson leaning against the wall with an angry look in his eyes. He got into the car and threw his violin case in the back. "Careful…" I said, softly. He glared at me and crossed his arms as he looked out the window. I sighed as I drove back down the street. "I'm sorry, hun," I said as I went to ruffle his hair. He recoiled at my touch and got as close to the door and window as we drove back to the apartment. "You forgot about me," Jackson accused. "No, I didn't," I said, feeling awful. He grabbed his violin case, holding it close to him. Jackson opened the door as soon as we parked and he made his way up to the apartment, not even looking at me.

I opened the door to the apartment and he went to his room. I then heard fast and angry playing in the room. I sighed as I went into his room, wondering how I could make it better. "GET OUT!" Jackson screamed at me as he grabbed a pillow and threw it at me. He resumed his playing, this time it was louder and faster. I took the violin and bow from him, "Jackson! Talk to me!" This wasn't all about me being late. There was something else going on. Jackson glared at me and said, "I hate you. I hate you. I hate you! I want to go home! I hate it here!" I grabbed his shoulders and I said, "Jackson! You have to understand, we can't go back!" He shook his head, "No! You don't want to go back! I want to go home! Send me home! That way everyone is happy!" He got out of my grip, but I grabbed him once more, "No, we can't do that. I told you this…I want you to be with me. I can't let you go back to them…" Jackson glared at me and whispered, "Whore."

That word…I slapped him. Right across his face. I hated that word. Jackson cried out as he touched his face. He looked up at me. There was no more anger. Just disbelief. "Where did you hear that word?" I asked. Jackson looked down and said, softly, "One of the older boys…He was talking about our teacher." He looked up at me again, "Are you mad at me, Mama?" He hadn't called me "Mama" since he was little. His eyes shined with hurt and worry.

Kids have the weirdest mood swings, even more than teenagers do.

"…No, it's just that "whore" is a…very bad word. And when you call someone a whore, it really hurts them," I explained. He looked at me and he grabbed his violin, "Mama, I didn't mean it…I didn't mean to hurt you…" I sighed as I ruffled his hair, "I'm sorry for slapping you, baby." He pulled away from me and went back to his violin. I sighed as I left the room. I went to sit down on the couch, thinking about that word.

"_You're leaving me for that filthy little whore?!"_

I sighed as I went to my DVD collection and pulled out my "Gone With The Wind" DVD. I had a couple of hours to kill. I got out the phone book and got a babysitter for Jackson. I just needed to give him some space. I looked at my movie, thinking about my own "Rhett".

Six o'clock came, so I went to get changed for the dinner with Stephen. I picked out a pink dress and a black shawl. I picked some black high heels and laced them on. I heard a knocking at the door and I went to open it. A male teenager walked in, "You hired me from the service?" He had messy black hair and a sort of mischievous look in his dark eyes. "…I did?" I asked, looking at him. He rolled his eyes, "Yeah, I get that a lot. They expect some pretty faced brunette girl. Not a guy." He walked in and asked, "So, dinner, bath? What do you want me to do?" Still a bit confused, I said, "Well, Jackson is in his room playing his violin. If he wants dinner, he'll tell you. You can fix something for yourself if you want. What's your name?" He turned to me and smiled, "Chuck." I nodded, "Okay, I'll be back around nine o'clock. Jackson shouldn't be much trouble. Just check on him every now and then." He looked at the door to Jackson's room, "Easier than babysitting a sleeping kid…No problem. You have fun on your date or whatever." I knocked on Jackson's door, "I'm leaving, honey! I'll be back in time to tuck you in."

I heard Jackson. "Okay, bye…Love you…" I smiled slightly, "Love you, too." I turned to Chuck, "Just make sure he doesn't burn the whole building down." He nodded, "Don't worry about. Now, go get some or whatever it is your doing." I blushed slightly at that as I grabbed my purse and left the apartment.

I went downstairs to the lobby and I heard my phone vibrate. I went to see that I got a text from Stephen.

**Look outside**

I frowned as I looked outside to see a large white limo. Stephen got out of the passenger part of the limo and opened the door, "Come in…" I asked, "How could…how could you afford this?" He smiled, "I have absolutely no idea." We got in the limo and he took me out.

You know, all throughout the evening, the only thing I could really focus on was Freddie. It wasn't fair. Stephen was an okay guy. A bit arrogant and annoying, but he was a nice person to be with. He was so persistent, too. I could tell that he wanted a goodnight kiss, but I was not interested. Freddie was on my mind. Stephen walked me up to the apartment and leaned in to kiss me, but I just turned my cheek. He then pulled a strand of hair out of my face and he told me I looked so familiar.

I went inside the apartment and I found Chuck on the couch, drawing on a notepad. I heard violin playing from Jackson's room. Chuck looked up at me and smiled, "Hello…" He turned to show me the notepad, "I drew you a flower." I looked at him in surprise and saw the sunflower he drew. "Thank you," I said as he ripped out the picture and gave it to me. I pulled out my wallet and I paid him. He smiled as he left the apartment. I then sat down on the couch and went to turn on the television. I frowned as I tried to find the remote…Where is that remote?

I forgot about it as I went to Jackson's room. I knocked on the door and opened it. The violin was lying in its case on Jackson's bed. The stereo in his room was playing classical violin music. Wondering what was going on, I went over to the other side of the room to find Jackson in the corner, talking on the phone. He was laughing, "Yes, I am still taking my lessons…No, Mom hasn't found me a school yet…" I took the phone from him and asked, "Who's this?" There was a pause and I heard a hang up. "Who were you talking to?" I asked my son. He was quiet for a moment before saying, "Grandma." I could feel the blood drain out of my face, "…You called her?" He nodded, looking at me with a scared expression. I asked, dropping the phone, "Did…did you tell her where you were?" He said, "I told her we were in Seattle…" I then felt my own fear, "Oh, Jackson…That was a really stupid thing you did."

I went out of his room and went to my own. I pulled out a suitcase and I started to pack. Jackson followed me, "Mom, what are you doing?" I told him, "Go into your room, get your suitcase, and pack only what you need. Some clothes, your violin." He asked, "Why?" I spun around and said, "Because, Jackson, we're leaving. You told her where we are and I can't risk staying there." He asked, "What's the big deal? So what if she knows where we are?" I sighed in frustration as I told him, "Because, I don't want to see you grow up like your father did. Now, please, go pack." He nodded before going back to his room.

I didn't want to leave, but I had to. I was scared of the Family. I was scared of what they would do to Jackson and me if they found us. I had to leave.

I dragged my suitcase into the living room and Jackson followed in with his suitcase. We left the apartment and I went down to the car. We got in and I sped to the airport. "I'm sorry," Jackson whispered. I stroked his hair as I stared at the road, "It's not your fault, baby." He sighed as he said, "…Maybe we can go where Mr. Benson is." I smiled slightly, "I thought that you didn't like me being with him." He shrugged, "…I like him. He's nice and he makes you happy."

What makes me happy is irrelevant. Getting the hell out of Seattle was what I needed to do. Las Vegas was not that far away. I could get a house in the suburbs, get Jackson into a nice school. And maybe this was Opportunity knocking. And I need to answer the door.

_Have a cookie! ^^_


	47. Stranger In A Stange Land

_Thanks for your patience! And to announce the winner of the contest..._

_Dun..._

_Da..._

_Da..._

_Da..._

_Dun...._

_The winner is star-gazing-LA AKA Sophie! Whoo! Go girl go!_

**To My Reviewers:**

_**MissSteffy**: Well, that's the beauty of their ironic relationship. Maybe they will never find out about each other *insert evil laugh* Sam and Freddie are a great couple, much better than Freddie and Carly. Seddie angst fan for life!_

_**Kirsti-Anna3567**: If Vivian had really looked at the situation she might have made the connection. But then what fun is that? XD_

_**Lost In The Lies**: As for the sunflower, it's an itty bitty shoutout to my other story where the sunflower has a lot of symbolism. And I had just watched the episode where Carly was tutoring Chuck and he drew her a flower. So I decided to throw that in there._

_**discostick0shalala**: Tee-hee, maybe they'll be a big collision. Or maybe not! BTW, I'm pretty proud of myself right because I was able to spell your name without a cheat sheet. Whoo! _

_**AlexLuvsAirWalks**: LOL, well keep reading and reviewing._

_**LiveLoveDanceLaugh**: Tuli and Sam are the same person. Don't worry about it. ^^ I understand._

_**XxXDukeOfAwesomenessXxX**: Well, here's your Freddie chapter, then. ^^_

_**PK711**: Well, you never know what's important and what isn't important when it comes to this story. As for a surprise ending...Maybe not this time, but soon, I promise you._

_**Roseheart**: Great review, but you might want to know that Jackson was not talking to his maternal grandmother. It was his paternal one. I'm slowly rewriting all of the chapters on my own time, so don't worry about that._

_**star-gazing-in-LA**: XD, congradulations on winning, by the way._

_**Random**: You're one of the first people to actually catch that, though it's not her husband. Her husband is dead. However, Lucas is related to her in some way.  
_

**Chapter Forty-Seven: Stranger In A Strange Land**

Do you know how long it's been since I woke up with a smile on my face? A long time to say the least. I woke up to feel the sun on my face and the sweet feel of fabric softened sheets. I got out of my bed and stretched. I looked over to my new cell phone and saw that I got a text from Whitney. I read it.

Morning, sleepyhead. Lucas wants to meet us at some spa at two. I'll pick you up at one thirty.

I smiled slightly as I put the phone back down. I yawned as I went over to the window. I looked out to see kids playing in the streets. The sun was burning the pavement, but still they ran in barefoot. It was nearly Christmas and for the first time, I found no snow around my home. Thank God.

I hate snow.

I opened the window and let in the warm air. I felt so different. I felt like something was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it. What was it? I then knew what it was.

I wasn't hurt.

My wounds had healed up, my scars have faded, my body was healing slowly. There were no aches and pains. I felt absolutely nothing. My head didn't hurt, my eyes didn't hurt, my body didn't hurt, and I didn't feel like I was worthless. I felt…good.

I grabbed some new clothes and went to take a shower. I turned the warm water on and I got in. I then started to think about Whitney, Jared, and Lucas. The three men who I now consider brothers.

At first, Lucas and I did not like each other that much, but I realize how much fun he was. And he was such a character. Lucas lived his life out of a movie. Well, I should explain. He played the part of a big mobster, but he was harmless. Like a pussycat. He lived his life like he was straight out of the 1920s. He smoked fancy cigarettes, he wore a suit everyday, and he loved going to the cabana clubs. Oh, God, he loved those clubs. He got me, Whitney, and Jared to tag along. It actually wasn't that bad and even Whitney had some fun. He said that he loved the big bands and the dancing and the "rich broads". I wasn't sure on how Lucas afforded this lifestyle, but it wasn't any of my business. He was so nice to us three, that I didn't care. He bought us clothes, good wine, and when he was in a good mood, he would send a few strippers over our way when we were at the casinos…Not that I wanted them there. They made Jared and I uncomfortable as hell, but Whitney enjoyed them. His lifestyle and his personality seemed so unreal. He seemed to be the sort of person only a Hollywood director could create, but this was his life.

Jared. What can I say about that guy? He reminded me of a Labrador puppy. He followed me everywhere I went and mimicked everything I did. He looked up to me. It was actually kind of nice. I never had someone like him as a friend. He was like a little brother. He was happy, adorable, and he was one of the only guys that could keep up with me when I drank. When Lucas and Whitney were calling it a night, Jared stayed with me. He didn't seem to be, but he was pretty clumsy. He tripped and fell all the time. He always got bruises from it. More than usual, I wouldn't see him trip or fall, but I think he was trying to be graceful for me.

Whitney…Whitney was everything I wasn't, but I never felt more right than with him. He was outgoing, funny, and charming. He loved women, but he would always stick by me and have girls come to us. If Jared admired me, I admired Whitney. And Whitney? I don't know who he admired. Probably no one. He was independent. He was no Einstein, but that was not made him brilliant. It was the fact that he knew people. He could get inside their heads.

I never really had friends growing up besides Carly and Sam. Well, during the end of sophomore year, I had a friend named Reuben. He was in my culinary class with me, Carly, and her "friend" Seth. He was a little weird, but I was drawn to him. Then, something awful happened. I don't like thinking about it. It was so tragic. The point is that I never really had a group of guys who stuck together like we did.

Lucas and Whitney had a rivalry going on. Lucas was old school, while Whitney made everything he did "the next best thing". They argued everyday about the smallest things. But they were had a mutual respect. One day, the police came by asking questions about Whitney's "improvements" to the statues in the parks. Lucas called up his lawyer and got _them_ arrested for harassment.

I got out of the shower and put on my new clothes. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and smiled. I looked better, I felt better, I am better. The reason why was what made me frown.

I love Sam. I love her so much. She's everything to me. But the more I stay away, the better I get. And the more I look back on my time with her and I know that this is for the best. Here, here in this life, I finally feel free. I was actually thinking about buying a house here and starting film school. But…I don't want to. Part of me still wants to go back to Sam.

I was only supposed to stay here for a week, maybe two. Now, I'm pushing a month. And it's near Christmas. The time of year where you are supposed to be with the people that love you the most. And I loved her the most. Whitney would try to hook me up with some girls he thought I would like, but I wasn't interested. I still kept my wedding band on. I thought about taking it off, but each time I try, I feel like there is some invisible force preventing me.

I hummed as I went down the stairs. I saw Mom, Valerie and Lewbert at the dining table. Lewbert's pretty much accepted me being here. He even let me watch his TV and if you knew the guy, it's actually a pretty great honor. Valerie is always here if I ever want to talk. She comes to the casinos sometimes. Whitney hits on her whenever she comes which is weird since she is like my sister. Mom…Well, Mom is normal. She doesn't approve of me going out at first, but she let me go…Well, not at first. See, one night, I decided to go out. It was around ten at night. I had just gotten up from a nap, so I was a bit drowsy. I went to open my bedroom door and it was locked. I got scared. I thought I was trapped again. I had a panic attack. Seeing this, Mom let me go out, as long as I promised to come back home.

I'm lucky to have her. I'm not sure if any other mother would do what she has done for me. I would come home at two in the morning, completely smashed, and she would be waiting for me in the living room. She would help me up to bed and in the mornings, when my hangovers were at their worst, she would give me wait on me hand and foot. I lived here freely. I offered to give her money, but she wouldn't hear it. She said it was a mother's duty to take care of her child, no matter how old he is. But I bought her presents every now and then. Jewelry, clothes, vacuum cleaners, things like that.

I sat down at the table and I started eating. Valerie was talking about her new job at a cosmetics company. I was happy for her. Of course, that meant that she was out of the house eighteen hours a day, but this was what she wanted. I wasn't really listening, I was thinking about Sam again. I thought about calling her. At least to see how she was doing. But I couldn't. She would try to get me to come home. She'll swear that things will be better. I'll come back. Give a week, give it a month, hell give it three months, I'll be under her control once more.

It was then that I heard something at the door. It sounded like something scratching. I went to go see what it was. I opened the door and I looked around. I didn't see anything, but then I looked down. My eyes lit up when I saw what was on the doorstep. It was an Alaskan puppy. It looked up with me with innocent eyes and barked, softly. "Hey, there, little guy," I said as I picked him up. He barked and licked my face. I laughed at that as I looked down to see if there was a collar. There was a black collar around his neck. There was a folded note taped to his collar. I put the puppy down and took the note off. I read it.

Hello, our dog had puppies, but we had to give them away. We gave away all but this one. If you took him in, stranger, it would be for the best.

"Aw," I said, sympathetically. I picked him up once more, "Well, little guy, this is your new home." I walked back into the house. I went into the dining room and instantly I heard three things.

"Aw, adorable puppy!"

"…What is that doing in my house?!"

"Freddie, drop that diseased rat!"

You can guess who said what. The puppy, confused by all this, whimpered and started squirming. "Mom, can I keep him?" I asked as I looked to her. I felt like a six year old. "No!" My mother said as she pulled out her anti-bacterial wipes. She took five out and started to wipe my face. "God knows how many germs are on that mangy mutt." Valerie cooed as she stood up and walked over to the puppy, "He's not mangy." She turned to her father, "Daddy, can we keep him?" He looked over his newspaper, "Fine, but if that dog pisses on my chair, his next home is a Chinese restaurant." My mother turned to him, "Lewbert! Can't I have a little bit of back up?" Lewbert looked to Valerie and myself, "…Oh, come on, let the kids have their fun." My mother took the puppy from me, "You can't have it." I got angry. I got so angry.

Despite all that she's done for me, there are prices. My mother is so protective of me and she thinks that every little thing will hurt me. I missed out on so much in life because of her. Summer camp, kid stuff like that. Not to mention how embarrassing she was. I'm sure I lost twenty potential friends because of her. Like I'm not different enough already. Luckily, she hasn't scared off my new friends.

"I am going to keep him," I said, glaring at her. "No, you aren't," My mother said, glaring right back. I pointed out, "Sam would let me keep him." Valerie raised her eyebrow at that. The puppy whined, confused at all the tension. I set him down on the floor and he went to nuzzle against my mother's shoe. "I have to get to work. I don't have time for this," My mother said, finally. She nudged the puppy away as she left the house. Lewbert quickly followed after her.

I picked up the puppy and sat down in a chair. It licked my face again. I could feel Valerie's eyes scorching my skin. I turned my head to her, "What?" She just smirked, "You're such a brat." I smirked back, "No I'm not." She shook her head as she went to pet the puppy, "What are you going to name him?" I said, immediately, "Rabbit." That was what my father named the dog he had bought for me when I was young. Valerie looked at me, confused, before she shrugged and said, "I better get to work…What are you going to do?" I said, "I'm going out with the guys."

Nothing. No remark. She then said, "Freddie, I think it's best if you found your own apartment. I found one for me. I'm moving out this weekend." I shrugged as I went to tease Rabbit. I put my finger by his mouth and pulled it away, making him trying to bite me. Valerie sighed, "Freddie, we both know you are staying here. You're not going back to Sam…You're not stupid." I looked up at her, "Valerie, I'm trying to figure out my life here. You can't make decisions for me…I'm sick of people doing that." She scoffed in frustration as she grabbed her purse, "Quit dangling in limbo, Freddie. Make a choice."

I set Rabbit on the floor as she left. He started sniffing the floor, looking through his new home. Maybe Valerie is right. Maybe I should get a place of my own. I stood up and opened the screen door to let Rabbit out in the backyard. Rabbit barked happily as he went outside and explored the area. I leaned against the wall and watched him. I felt peaceful. I felt that I had a little piece of heaven. But I was missing so much. A wife, children, a career. All those things. Sam was supposed to be my ticket for all that.

When we were young, we would lie on my apartment building rooftop. We would stare up at the stars and talk about our future. Sam and I had magical times together. I think that the moment I fell in love with her was when she came over one night. She convinced me to sneak out to go to the roof with her. It was a hot summer night. She went over to the edge of the roof and sat down. I was scared that she would fall, but she was fearless. That was one of the things that made me love her so much. And she looked so beautiful in the moonlight. She turned to me and smiled and I saw her bright blue eyes light up.

I will remember that face forever.

It's the face I see in my dreams. The face that haunts me when I even started to think about leaving Sam. But that was then and this is now.

I walked outside to the backyard and Rabbit ran up to me. He nuzzled my shoes and he jumped up, placing his front paws on my legs. I picked him up and looked down at him. I sat down on the grass and I let him go. He ran off, chasing his tail. I laid down on the grass and took in the sounds of the suburbs. I stared up at the sky. It was naked save for a few clouds. I closed my eyes and I felt Rabbit get on my stomach. He laid down in a small ball. I put my hand on his back and stroked his fur, softly.

I like taking in the quiet. But then my mind wanders and I start to think. I start thinking of the nights, the endless days. How the midnight sun would shine through the window and cast light on the pool of blood. I remember being locked in the closet. Not even knowing what day it was, when I would be let out. I could have run off if I really wanted to. When she took the duct tape off, I could have grabbed her key and left. But I knew what would happen. She would have done a lot worse to me.

I learned over time it was just better to let her do what she wanted. It would be over quicker.

I heard the honk of a horn and I knew that Whitney was here to pick me up. I opened my eyes and I sat up. Rabbit got off me and went over to sniff the bushes. I went back inside the house and grabbed my coat before I left through the front door. Whitney was in his Jeep, waiting for me. I got in and put my seat belt on. Whitney drove down the road and asked, "So, how've you been?" I turned to him, "Peachy." He smirked, "Smartass. Hey, I got a question." By the sound of his voice, I could tell that this was a serious question. "Shoot," I said, looking out the window. "There's this girl…" I heard him start out. I looked to him in interest, "That European chick you took home last night?" He shook his head, "No…I didn't take her home. I just took her out of the casino for show…It's the one I met last week…Lucille. Anyway, whenever I talk to her…I'm interested in what she has to stay. When I call her and ask how work is, I care. And when I'm with her, all I can think about is lying in a meadow and plucking flowers and reciting poetry. _Poetry_, man! You are talking to the guy that thought a haiku was a Japanese "bless you". What is going on?" I smirked as I looked back out the window.

"You're in love."

He didn't say anything for a moment, "Hm, well, that's interesting." I glanced over at him, "So, Lucas, what does he want at this spa?" Whitney said, "He wants to treat us to a massage. Me? I wouldn't pass up the chance to be groped by a sweet honey." I smirked, "One of these days Whitney, you're going to meet a woman who isn't interested in you." Whitney scoffed, smiling, "Excuse me? I am handsome, successful, and downright adorable. What girl wouldn't want a piece of this?" I rolled my eyes as I looked away.

I then remembered something, "Whitney, can I ask you a question?" He glanced at me, "Sure." I asked, "Do you remember the night that you met Lucas?" He nodded, "Yeah, what about it?" I wondered how I could put this. I asked, awkwardly, "Why was it you got upset about him making fun of your name and you didn't seem to care about him calling you a "brotha"?" He looked over to me, "…Freddie, my father was the son of a Black Panther. He would sit in front of the TV every night, going on about "those damn crackers" We didn't have Christmas in our house, though we were devout Christians. We had Kwanzaa. I missed out on the best holiday known to kids because of a holiday invented in the eighties that would supposedly embrace my culture. I don't like focusing on what makes people different. I don't consider myself black more than you consider yourself white. Lucas is old school and his father probably was, too. I don't blame him. Besides, it's just a word. It's not a title."

I thought about that as Whitney drove down the street. He stopped in front of a large building and he got out of the Jeep. I got out as well. Jared was already outside the building. He had a nasty black eye on his left eye. "What happened?" Whitney asked as he walked up to Jared. "Got into a fight," Jared said, smirking. "You did?" Whitney smiled, "I'm so proud of you….Wait, did you lose?" Jared nodded, slowly, "Yeah, you can say that…" He rolled his eyes as he went inside the building. I looked at Jared, encouragingly, "Don't worry about him." I patted his back. He winced as I hit his back.

I know that look.

"Jared-" I started off. "We better get in there," Jared said as he quickly went inside. I sighed in frustration as I followed Jared inside. I found Lucas and Whitney talking. As always, Lucas had those thugs on both sides of him. I barely remember their names. They were quiet, mean, and loyal to Lucas. He never went anywhere without them. Lucas looked at me and Jared and smiled, "Oh, hello, Freddie, Jared. How are you doing?" He looked down at a clipboard he had in his hands, "I decided to treat you three to a massage. I'm looking to buy this company after all and I need to make sure there are good workers here." He took out three sets of cards. He handed one to each other us, "Jared, you have Estelle. Whitney, you have Kelly. Freddie, you have Sophie." Whitney smirked, "Sweet, I got Kelly." Lucas smirked, "Kelly is a man…Have fun." Whitney glared at him before he looked down in humiliation.

I looked down at the car and found the room number. Whitney and Jared had already gone on their way down the hall of the building. I went down the hallway and found the number on the door. Room 7012. I opened the door and walked inside. I saw a young woman near the open window. She was speaking into her phone and even though I couldn't hear her, I could tell she was upset about something.

She was a woman of medium height and weight. She had short red hair that seemed to tickle the bottom of her ears. Her eyes were blue, like the sky during a hot summer day. I noticed that her skin had many freckles. I wanted to count each one of those freckles. She was wearing a white dress that was tight around her.

I assumed this was Sophie. "Hey…" I said, casually. She turned to me, "Oh! You must be Freddie. Mr. Alto was telling me about you." I forgot who Mr. Alto was until I remembered that Alto was Lucas's last name. She scurried over to the massage table and said, "Go ahead! Go ahead! I'm sorry! It's just some things going on with my boyfriend and I'm kind of distracted." As she rambled on, I went to go lie down on the massage table. Truth be told, I was nervous about this. I wasn't used to anyone other than Sam touching me like how this woman was going to touch me.

"Take off your shirt," Sophie ordered as she went into the closet in the room. Oh…yeah….I took off my shirt and put it on the table near by. I heard her rummage through the closet, humming a song. I went to lie down on the massage table and I stared down at the floor, wondering why in the world I was doing this…Oh, yeah, because Lucas asked me to. I heard Sophie scurry back into the room and she went to a little stereo near the window. She turned on the stereo and this slow song started playing.

What in the hell did I get myself into?

I heard Sophie approached me and I heard a slight intake of breath. She must have seen the scars. That's exactly what I need. I need her to point them out. "…Hm, that one looks like a duck," She mused as she went to put her hands on me. I could feel her working her magic fingers on my shoulders. I'm sure that she was just covering up her disgust with that remark. But…why should I think?…All I want to do now is sleep. Just sleep…Her fingers felt so good and the way she knew immediately where my sweet spot was. It was uncanny.

I sighed in relaxation as I closed my eyes. "Not a chatty person," Sophie said as she worked her way on to my lower back. "Though I must say, you're a good chance of pace. Most of my clients aren't good looking like you…Though I am surprised that you don't have a girlfriend of your own to do this for you." I let out a sigh of pleasure as she hit a particularly stressed muscle and worked to release the tension. Sophie then asked, "…Has Mr. Alto showed you L'Amore?" I shook my head, "No…What's that?" She slowly responded, "It…it is one of Mr. Alto's businesses."

I heard her then ask, "If you don't mind me asking, what's on your mind?" Surprised at this question, I responded, "I'm just amazed that someone could work wonders like you have." Sophie laughed softly as she said, "Well, if you want to sleep, you can. I guarantee you that your dreams will be the best you ever had." I sighed as I closed my eyes, "I could use some of those." I fell asleep, thinking of the warm, relaxed feeling that was coursing through my veins.

I eventually woke up to feel her taking her hands off me. I opened my eyes to watch her turn off the stereo. "Slept well?" She asked as she turned to me and smiled. I nodded, slowly. "Well, I'm done. Tell Mr. Alto that I did well, would you?" Sophie said as she went to pull out her cell phone. "I will," I said as I got off the table and reached over to my shirt. "If you don't mind me asking…" Sophie said, trailing off. She was staring at my back. "I do…" I said. I didn't mean to be rude, but I didn't want to talk about it. "Sorry," She said as I left the room.

I found my way into the main lobby where Jared was. He was texting on his phone. It was new, like mine. Whitney was writing in a notebook. He was looking at it like it was his worst enemy. He kept erasing and writing in the same spot. He muttered words under his breath. "Jared!" He piped up, "What's a word that rhymes with "sapphire"?" Jared looked up at him from his phone, "I don't know…Freddie?" He glanced over at me. I shrugged as I went to sit next to Whitney, "Why do you need it?" Whitney said, "I'm writing a poem for Lucille…" I raised my eyebrow, "Really?" Whitney grumbled, "Stupid feelings…I can't stop thinking about it."

"Perhaps, use the word, "hellfire"," I heard Lucas as he made his way into the lobby, "It doesn't have to completely rhyme as long as there is a sense of rhythm." Whitney wrote it down, "Thanks, man." Lucas smiled at me, "How was your massage?" I looked up at him, "It was pretty good…" He walked over to me, "If you do not mind, I would like for you to come over to my home…I would like to speak to you." Whitney answered for me, "He can't. We're going out to the casinos." I was happy for this. I didn't want to be alone with Lucas. I didn't trust him that much.

"Oh, pity," Lucas said, in a manner that conveyed that he genuinely thought it was a pity. "If you change your mind, I will be at the St. Peter Cathedral." He nodded to Whitney and Jared before he left. "I don't like him," Whitney said, bluntly. Jared said, "He's not that bad. He does buy us stuff." Whitney argued, "Only because he wants something and if I didn't know better, it's to get all cozy with Freddie." Surprised, I asked, "Why do you say that?" Whitney said, "Come on. Lucas probably wants to use you as a cash cow…He's a nice guy and all, but that's probably his motive."

_Two hours later…_

"Now, I believe you owe me five hundred dollars," I smirked as I held my hand out to the man I just won against in a long game of poker at the casino. The man grumbled about "losing to a kid" and gave me the money. I felt Whitney pat my back encouragingly. I stood up from the table and I asked, "So, what's next?" Jared said, "Try the slots. They seem lucky tonight." Whitney was about the respond when he looked over my head. I saw his eyes light up as he asked, "Prince, is it okay is I amscray? I just saw Lucille and I want to talk to her…" I nodded, wondering why he was asking for my permission. "Later, he said, quickly as he went over to the bar.

I looked over to Jared, "I guess it is just the two of us." He grinned as he took my arm and took me over to the slot machines. We barely sat down when we heard a loud scream.

**"_JARED!!!"_**

I could see that Jared immediately locked his body in fear. He turned to the entrance of the casino and I did as well. I saw a young woman stomping over to us. She wasn't particularly beautiful, but she was pretty. She had black, shoulder length hair and she was pale. She was wearing a red shirtwith blue jeans that were fashionably cut. "H-hey, Molly," Jared said, nervously. She grabbed his arm, harshly, "What the hell are you doing here, you fat little bastard?!" Jared said, stuttering, "I-I'm s-s-sorry I-I-I d-didn't t-tell y-you I-I le-left. Y-you w-were pa-passed out wh-when I left." She slapped him and I could hear the impact of her hand on his skin. "Hey!" I yelled out, pulling her away from him, "What the hell are you doing?" She glared at me, "So, this must be "Freddie"? This is the reason you are never at home, Jared?" She scoffed as she pulled away from me and grabbed Jared's arm, "Say goodbye, we're going." He glanced at me and then at Molly. "_**NOW**_!" She yelled at him, grabbing him tighter. He looked up at me and whispered, "Bye…"

I looked into his eyes and I saw myself.

Molly smiled and kissed Jared before she let him go. She held his hand and she led him out of the casino. I wanted to go after them. But…but I shouldn't get involved. It's probably not what I think it is. Couples…couples fight all the time. Sam and I fought like that.

Sam and I fought like that…

I went outside the casino and tried to search for Jared and Molly. I found them in a silver convertible with the roof up. They were in backseat, making out. They didn't see me. I…shouldn't say anything. I walked down the street, leaving the couple in their car. Maybe I should go to see what Lucas was doing. I knew where the cathedral was. It was sort of hard to miss. It was a huge French cathedral right in the middle of Modernized Las Vegas. Like I said, it was hard to miss. I found the building and opened the large wooden doors. I went inside and I instantly found Jared. He was sitting in a pew, mumbling in Italian. He was praying, so I just watched him.

Lucas soon finished and he looked over to me, "Oh, hello, Freddie, did you reconsider?" I nodded. My mind was still on Jared. No, I must not see what I think I am seeing.

After all, I'm the only man alive that was weak enough to be beaten by his girlfriend.

Jared was stronger than I was.

Lucas smiled as he stood up and asked, "Are you hungry? We could have dinner at my house." I nodded, "If it is no inconvenience." He pulled out his cell phone, "Of course not." He walked out of the cathedral to make a phone call. I followed after him. He was finishing the call by the time I left the cathedral. He opened the door to a black Jaguar and he got inside. I got in the passenger side and I asked, "Where are your bodyguards?" Lucas said, "I gave them the rest of the night off." He said nothing more as he drove down the street.

Ten minutes later, I saw a large white mansion on a cliff, overlooking Las Vegas. Lucas drove up the long driveway to this palace like mansion and I could feel my eyes widen. Lucas glanced over to me as I looked at the mansion, "Beautiful isn't it? If you play your cards right, you could have one of your own." Lucas parked in car in a garage. The garage itself had six other cars it in. All the while, I wondered more and more how Lucas was able to afford this.

Maybe it had something to do with L'Amore. I would have to ask him about that.

Lucas got out of the car and I did as well. He left the garage and I followed after him. We went through the front door and I looked around the palor area. The walls were white and the hallways were filled with statues and paintings. The floor was marble, a beautiful green marble. In the palor room, there were two grand staircases that curved to meet each other. It was gorgeous. Like something out of a story. "Impressed?" Lucas asked, smirking. I nodded, slowly. "Good," Lucas said as he went to the right of the palor room and opened a door. I quickly followed after.

He sat down a dining table and I sat to his left side. The door opened once more and a servant came into the room with two plates of food. He placed them in front of us and he scurried out. I then started to eat it. I don't know what the hell I was eating, but it was the best damn thing I ever tasted in my entire life. My eating seemed to amuse Lucas because he started chuckling. "Can I get some 1903 Chardonnay over here?" He called out. I heard scurrying down the hallway before I asked, "Can I ask you something?" Lucas nodded. "How…how can you afford this?" I asked. "I import and export things that people really want," Lucas said as he took a bite out of his meal. "You smuggle?" I asked, bluntly.

"If you would like to use that term," Lucas said, "Recently, I imported an endangered red wolf from China. The man changed his mind and it is much harder to export a red wolf than it was to import." I asked, taking in another bite of my meal, "So what happened to it?" Lucas smirked, "Tasty, isn't he?" I gulped down what I had in my mouth and looked down at my practically clean plate. Slight disgust went through me and I looked back at him. It was then that I heard the scurrying once more.

Entering into the dining room with a bottle of wine in her hands was a young woman. It most distinguishable thing about her was the long curly pink hair. She had beautiful blue eyes that seemed to be a bit dull. She was wearing a maid's uniform, but still the outfit was able to accent her curves. There was something familiar about her, but I couldn't quite place it. She came in, handing the wine to Lucas. She curtsied as he poured the wine into my glass and his own glass. She looked at us, as if she was waiting for us to taste the wine and approve of it. I went to drink the wine. It was delicious. I smiled at her and she smiled, slightly, back at me. Lucas drunk his wine and he frowned at it. He turned to the woman, "Excuse, what am I drinking?" The young woman said, softly, "1904 Chardonnay, sir." Lucas asked, condescendingly, "What year did I ask for?" The young woman looked to her feet before saying, "1903…" Lucas took the wine and poured it out on the floor, "Now, why don't you clean up the mess you made before I deduct one thousand dollars from your payment." Immediately, the woman scurried out of the room and came back with some cleaning supplies.

"Stupid girl," Lucas muttered as he watched her clean. I felt slightly uncomfortable. It was then that I heard someone come in. It was an Asian man in a black suit, "Mr. Alto. You have a phone call." He held up a silver phone. Lucas said, staring at the young woman as she cleaned, "It can wait." The man said, "It's your step-grandmother. She says it's important." Lucas said, snapping, "Tell her I don't care what color I want for the curtains in the townhouse." The man said, his voice losing patience, "She says it's about your brother." Lucas snapped, "**_Half_**-brother." He then got up, taking the phone from the man and he left the room.

Feeling a tad awkward, I stood up. I went over to the young woman. I bent down to her level and I heard her gasp slightly in surprise. "Can I help?" I asked, taking a scrubber and I helped cleaned up the wine. "Th-thank you," She said, shyly. I looked into her face and I realized how pretty she was. And there was something familiar about her. "What is your name?" I asked. "Pink," She said, quietly. "Really?" I asked, chuckling. "Yes," She said, seriously as she looked down to the spilt wine she cleaned up. "Oh," I said as we cleaned in silence. "How long have you worked for Mr. Alto?" I asked. She said, softly, "For about two years. I worked for his father for about five years." She didn't look that old. She looked like she was a teenager.

I then heard Lucas come back into the room. He chuckled, "Freddie, please get up, you insult me by cleaning up messes caused by the maid." I wanted to tell him that he was the one that made the mess, but I didn't want to get involved. I stood up and Lucas said, "However, I am afraid I must be rude and ask you to leave. I have some important family business to attend to. "No problem," I said, quickly, wanting to get out of here. He smiled at me, "You are an excellent friend, Freddie." I looked to him and smiled, hesitantly, "Thank you."

Late at night, I was in my bedroom. Mom had grudgingly let me keep Rabbit as long as he stayed outside. And I showered after I played with him. However, it was now late at night so I snuck Rabbit in. The puppy was resting comfortably on my bed as I got out of my street clothes and got into my pajamas. I got into the bed and stared out the window. The stars shown brightly in the night.

It's then that I remember Carly who had eyes like the stars. I try not to think about her. She was a large part of my life and to lose her like that…It was painful. It was hard. I could have stopped it. I could have done something. But I couldn't even save my best friend from herself.

I'm worthless.

The day she lied, I couldn't even speak to her. She called me to apologize, but I started screaming at her.

_"You bitch! You goddamn lying bitch! You double crossing lying bitch!"_

She was in tears as I called her every name in the book. She begged me to let her explain, but I didn't want to hear her excuses. I didn't want to hear why she lied. I didn't want to hear about "best friends" and "protecting her" I hung up on her since I couldn't think of anything else to call her.

That was an awful time in my life. That whole year was hell. The winter, the spring, the summer, and the fall. All of it was pain and misery and I would do anything to do that entire year over again. And it was all my fault. Everything that happened that year was because of me.

I closed my eyes as I took in the quietness. I fell asleep, knowing that night would be over before it even started.

_Thanks for reading and check out the preview of a possible sequel to A Darkened Mind that I wrote._


	48. Operation Search And Rescue

_Sorry for the lateness. I'm very busy with school and the new play I'm in. Oh, and to let you guys know. Due to a lot of inner thoughts about the sequel, I've decided to take the preview down, so enjoy it for one last time before I delete it tomorrow._

**To My Reviewers:**

_**AlexLuvsAirwalks**: I know. I almost want to put them back together right now. But alas, that would be far too simple._

_**iLuvNathanKrESS**: Actually, he's not her ex, but you're close. ^^ And yes, Rabbit is a Husky. And since I'm nice, I'm going to let you know that Pink is someone off the show._

_**Ultimatereader14**: ^^ Thanks for the review and I hope you keep reading._

_**A Very Concerned Reader**: Don't worry. This story still has another fifty chapters to go. There will be plenty of closure._

_**Jack Benny**: I'm sorry to disapoint you about the chapter being late. But I didn't want you to read a rushed version and be even more disapointed._

_**Wesker888**: Thank you so much for reading. I love your review. My theory is that everyone has a story, everyone has a point of view. Characters are people, they are three deminionsal. I hope you keep reading._

_**Roseheart**: ^^ Rabbit is the name of my dog in Dragon Age. *love that game, may have a fanfiction of it* Anyway, hope you keep reviewing._

_**Blazer.4123**: Thanks. A lot of people say that. Keep reading._

**Chapter Forty-Eight: Operation Search And Rescue**

I woke up on my couch and sighed heavily as I went to sit up and stretch. I heard the sounds of Angela moving about in the house. The past couple of days were a state of silence in the apartment. I let my feet fall to the ground. My feet knocked over several empty liquor bottles in the process. I got off the couch and went into the kitchen where Angela was cooking what seemed to be a burnt pancake on the stove. Or was it a waffle?

I got a box of cereal out of the cabinet and I got a bottle of milk out of the refrigerator. I sat down at the kitchen table and opened the cereal box. I pulled the plastic bag of cereal out and opened it before I poured the milk into the bag. I picked the bag up and poured it down my mouth.

I heard Angela giggle at that.

I was tempted to smile back at her, but I didn't. Every time I looked at her, I saw her and Socko. I saw her under him, moaning in ecstasy. In fact, everywhere I look I see her with him. Every single thing reminded me of what the two of them had done. I thought that I was able to get pass this. But everyday, I get worse and worse in a state of violent depression. I thought that drinking would ease some of my pain. It has eased it, but not by much. I can only stare at my bottles of vodka and liquor and think about what they did. I can't even go into my bedroom anymore. I tried to. I honestly did. I stood in the doorway of my bedroom and stared at my bed.

I could hear them.

Angela sat down at the table. She looked at me and started a conversation, "How did you sleep?" I ignored her as I focused on my breakfast.

"I was thinking about taking the day off so we can spend the day together," Angela said, slowly. I stood up and left the kitchen. That was my answer to her.

I picked up the empty bottles of alcohol and I set them in the glass bin by the trashcan. I then went to grab some clean clothes from the laundry room. I went into the bathroom and drew a bath. I needed the soothing warm water to cure my hangover. I heard Angela rummage around in the kitchen. I always heard soft crying. But then that crying in my head morphed into laughs and moans that accompanied sex. So I had no sympathy. I slid my pajama pants and my boxers off my body and I got into the bath. I got Angela's bubble bath and I poured it in the bathtub. I could smell the familiar scent of Chinese tealeaves.

I closed my eyes as I turned the water off and laid down in the tub. I then submerged myself in the water. It's calming. One of my favorite feelings is being underwater. I loved the feel of my long hair flowing the water. I love the water settling on my eyelids. If I could, I would fall asleep in water. But then I would drown.

But now, that doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

I sat up in the tub, feeling the water drip down my skin as I felt the bubbles stick themselves to me. I heard the door to the apartment open and close. That meant that Angela had left for work.

An hour later, after I was cleaned and dried, I made my way into the living room. I then picked up the phone to call Sam. Ring…Ring…Ring… "Hello?" I heard Sam say into the phone. She sounded miserable.

"Sam, what are you doing today?" I asked as I pulled my shoes on.

"Nothing," Sam replied, "Why?"

"Let's go get Freddie. I'll meet you in front of your apartment building in five minutes." I said as I grabbed my coat and hung up on her.

I left the apartment buildings and noticed that Angela's car was still on the side of the streets. I stared at the green SUV and I knew that I had a copy of her car keys. I wondered if I should call and ask if I could use it. Angrily, I pulled my keys out and opened the door to the SUV. She'll get over it.

I drove down the street to Sam's apartment building. I saw Sam in front of the building. She cleaned up a bit. Her hair was washed and her clothes looked decent. She had an eager aura about her as she ran over to the car and got in the passenger side. "It's going to be a long drive," I pointed out.

"I would go to the end of the world for him," Sam finally said. She looked at me and smiled. "How's Angela?" She asked.

"I don't know nor do I care," I said back to her. I glanced over at her confused face and explained, "She cheated on me."

There was silence as I got onto the highway heading towards Nevada. A full thirty minutes went by before Sam asked, "Did you forgive her?"

I bit my lower lip in thought as I wondered if I could ever forgive her, "Not yet. I think I can forgive her in time…"

Sam looked out the window and said, "I don't know what I would do if Freddie cheated on me. I would go crazy, I guess. Spencer, do you think that…he's with someone else?"

I shook my head, "No way. Freddie's not like that. He's crazy about you. He married you."

Sam said, quietly, "I'm going to make sure he never leaves me again…I'll lock him up if I have to."

I looked at her, hesitantly, "Sam, don't say that. You don't mean that."

Sam looked at me, "If you knew that Angela was going to cheat on you, wouldn't you want to keep her close to you? Never let her out of your sight? Never let her anywhere near temptation? Never let her get close to another guy?"

I looked at the road, "She's not my property. I don't own her. She has the right to do what she wants to. I shouldn't restrict her freedom."

Sam pointed out, "Even if that meant risking your love?"

I told her, "Some things are more important than making the one you love happy. Things like freedom, dignity, self-respect."

Giving up, Sam looked down and thought the rest of the way. It wasn't long before we left the state of Washington and Oregon. It would take around seventeen hours to get to Las Vegas. If traffic was good and we didn't stop. We left around nine o'clock. It's around three o'clock now. If we stopped for gas and stayed at a motel and left at seven tomorrow morning, we'd get there at-

"Baby if you strip, you could get a tip  
'Cause I like you just the way you are  
I'm about to strip and I want it quick  
Can you handle me the way I are?"

That was Angela's personalized ring tone. I pulled out my cell phone and answered it, driving the car with one hand, "What?"

I heard her, "Spencer! Where are you? I came home and my car was gone and you were gone! I was so worried."

I said, sourly, "I am fine. I'm taking Sam to Las Vegas."

I heard her gasp, "Wh-what?"

I smirked, "Yeah, I'm taking Sam to Las Vegas. We probably won't be back until Christmas. I'll send you a post card. _Love_ you, hun." I hung up on her, feeling quite proud of myself. She's going to think that Sam and I are out having fun while she is all alone. I ravished this moment.

Most of the trip itself was silent. She didn't seem like she wanted to talk. If I tried to start up a conversation, it would turn into something about Freddie. She really is hurt. Freddie is really going to have some explaining to do. Sam is like my little sister. I would protect like she was my own.

It was near nightfall by the time we graced the presence of the gorgeous state of Nevada and the desert land that surrounded us. I was getting tired of being in the car for so long. I stopped at the nearest motel room I could find and I pulled out my wallet. Ugh, I didn't have a lot of money.

"Sam, is it okay if we share a single room? I'll sleep on the couch," I offered. Sam nodded as she got out of the car. I got out of the car and went into the hotel. I paid the motel manager and we went into our room.

Sam yawned as she went over to the bed and instantly fell asleep. I smiled slightly as I took off my shirt and went to sleep on the couch. I didn't mind giving up the bed. I was used to sleeping on the couch.

I don't know what to do about Angela. I couldn't leave her. I had to be a father for my son. But I could not be trapped in a marriage with her. Never knowing if she would cheat again. Because my theory had been proven. If they start cheating, they never stop. When will it end? It won't stop with Socko. Who else will it be? Random strangers? Maybe…

These thoughts never left my head as I fell asleep.

I was twelve years old. I had just gotten home from Socko's house. I opened the door to my house, wondering why it was unlocked. I could hear my parents arguing at each other. I snuck through the hallway so I could get to my bedroom. I heard them yelling at each other in their bedroom. I heard my mother.

"_I don't see why I can't do it!" I heard Mom yell at my father._

"_Because, Katie, I'm not going to put another thirty thousand dollars into this. We don't have the money," My father snapped back._

"_I want another child! I want a baby girl!" My mother said, angrily._

"_Spencer's already in middle school. And you're over forty. Think of the risks! Invitro for you was risky enough already!"_

"_I'm not talking about having another test tube baby!"_

_Yep, Spencer Shay, test tube baby. Good way to find that out, huh?_

_My mother continued, "I want a baby the normal way!"_

_My father yelled back at her, "You know we can't do that!"_

"_No, __**you**__ can't do that! Big military man! You can't even get me pregnant after five goddamn years!" _

_I heard a vase colliding into the wall._

"_Calm down!" My father yelled._

"_I'm getting a baby whether you like it or not!"_

_I rushed into my room as I heard my mother leave the bedroom._

I blinked softly as I woke up. I hate these memories.

I got off the couch and looked out the window. The sun was rising. I went over to Sam. She was muttering in her sleep. I didn't really understand her. I nudged her shoulder, "Wake up." I saw her eyes open.

She looked up at me and sighed, "Just a…just a dream…" I noticed that her eyes were watery.

I sat down next to her, "Are you okay?"

Sam shook her head, "N-no…" She started to cry.

I rubbed her back, "Did you have a nightmare?"

Sam whispered, "Y-yeah…I was falling and falling. I down to see if anyone would catch me. Freddie was there with his arms out. I had almost fallen to the bottom when he put his arms down. And I fell to the ground. He let me fall, he let me die."

I leaned down to hug her, "Don't believe that dream. Freddie's not like that."

She looked up at me and smiled, "Thanks, Spencer. You're right…I just wish I could see him."

I smiled back at her, "Don't worry. We're only a few hours away from Las Vegas…Do you remember where his mother lives?"

Sam nodded, "Yeah…the blue house on the left. Rainey Street."

After we showered and had a quick breakfast, we were on our way to Las Vegas. It was raining. It was the sort of rain one normally does not come into the desert regions. It was loud and hard. It was also difficult to see. Luckily, there were very few cars on the road. And we managed to get to Las Vegas by the time that noon came around.

I could feel Sam getting more and more anxious. I tried to talk to her, but she was unresponsive. She started to bounce in her seat. She balled up her fists and was muttering under her breath. I was concerned, but I didn't say anything.

I stopped the car in front of the blue house on Rainey Street and Sam opened the door. She ran up to the door and rang the doorbell. I followed after her, "Sam, calm down." She tapped her foot impatiently. She rang the doorbell again. No answer. It was then that Sam kicked the door down, "FREDDIE!!!!"

I then heard quick footsteps up the stairs and then a door slammed shut. Sam went into the house and looked around. I decided that this needed to stop. I grabbed her shoulders, "Calm down, Sam. I'm going to find Freddie. You need to calm down. I'll bring him downstairs. Just don't lose your cool." She growled at me before she punched the wall, "Fine. You have ten minutes."

I went upstairs and picked a door. I knocked on it, "Freddie?"

I heard footsteps going to the door and the door opened slowly, "Spencer?" I took a look at Freddie and I was surprised at the change. He looked so much better from the last time I saw him. He had tan skin instead of pale skin. He looked so much healthier, too.

"What are you doing here?" Freddie whispered as he looked around me, eyes full of fear.

"Can I come in?" I asked. He nodded as he moved out of the way so I could come in.

I told him, "I'm here with Sam. She wants you back."

Freddie shook his head, frantically, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not going back. You don't understand, Spencer."

He went over to his bed and sat down on it. I noticed that a little Alaskan Husky puppy was on the bed. It walked over to him and nudged against his arm.

I asked Freddie, "Why don't you want to come back?"

He looked up at me and shook his head, "No, I can't tell you…I can't."

I then asked, tenderly, "…Is there someone else? Is that why you won't go back to Sam? Because of this other person?"

He looked at me, with eyes filled with disbelief, "No! There's no one else! I just can't go back to Sam."

I was starting to lose patience, "Freddie, I'm sure that you and Sam can sort it out. She loves you and you love her. You need to get back together."

Freddie got off the bed and let out a deep breath, "It's not that simple, Spencer. I wish it was, but it's not."

It was then that he pulled off his shirt. He turned around so I could see his back.

I nearly stumbled over in shock as I went over to him. I saw so many scars on his back and his arms. Some were old and some might have been as recent as last month. I noticed that some scars were long like belt marks. Others were small and short. I went over to touch his back and I felt him tense up. I finally got up the nerve to ask.

"Sam did this, didn't she?"

Freddie nodded, slowly. He turned around so that he was looking at me. Near his neck was a tattoo of the world: Prince. But I was more concerned with the tattoo on his arm. I grabbed his arm to get a better look at it. It was the phrase: Property of Samantha Puckett Benson.

"I…I…." I didn't know what to say. I then felt guilt. So much guilt. If this was going on, why didn't I see this?

"How long?" I finally asked.

"…Seven years," He told me. I bit my lip as I saw what I had blinded myself to. Years and years of "accidents", "tripping", "arguments".

"I'm so sorry…Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, looking at him. He said,

"I was ashamed…And in denial. I left last month because I couldn't take it anymore. I was scared of what she would do to me. I was tired, too. I was tired of being hurt."

I sighed, feeling more and more guilty, "This has been happening since you guys were in high school….Did Carly know?" Freddie nodded, "Yes…She tried to make me leave Sam, but I was too stubborn."

Why didn't Carly tell me? First her disorder and now this? What else had she been hiding from me?

I sighed, "I can't let you go back to her if she does this to you. It's not safe. I'm going to talk to Sam." Freddie shook his head, "No, I'll talk to her. I'm tired of hiding from her like a scared little kid." He put his shirt back on and he left the room. I followed after him. We went down the stairs and Sam saw us coming down.

I saw her grin. It was like a Cheshire cat grin. She smiled, "Freddie…I missed you." She went over to hug him, but he pushed her away. I crossed my arms, "Sam…He told me…He told me about what you do to him."

"_**YOU DID WHAT?!"**_

It was then that Sam lunged at Freddie. He ran behind me and used me like a human shield. So much for "being tired of hiding". Sam starting scratching me, screaming at the both of us. I grabbed her arms, "Sam! Stop it!"

She glared at me and pulled her arms out of my hands, "Freddie is a liar! I don't care what he told you! None of it is true!"

Freddie yelled at her, "No! You're the one who is a liar! Now, go!" Sam pushed me out of the way and I fell down on the floor.

I knocked my head against an end table and I looked up to see Sam as she grabbed Freddie.

She said to him, "Freddie…Freddie, Freddie, please listen to me." He looked up at her and nodded, "Alright…" Sam smiled at him, "Good boy….Now, let's go home."

I stood up and I stared at the two of them, wondering what I should say. If I should say anything.

_Thanks for reading and here's a little Valentine's present for you._

_On youtube, there's a video called Naruto (Lalala) It's by netuddkiygo._

_It captures the essence of two characters I'm thinking about adding in the sequel._

_First, represented by Naruto is Cameron Jenson, son of Melanie._

_Second, represented by Sasuke is Nicolai Alto, son of Lucas._

_To those who are not familiar with one of the best series of all time. Naruto is the blonde in the obnixous orange attire. Sasuke is the one with the spikey black hair._


	49. The Fittest Will Survive

_I am so sorry for the lateness. I'm so busy with school and having a big part in a play and i have lost my muse for this for a long time. It wasn't until I wrote "Concubine" yesterday that I finally got it back. ^^_

_**BIG BOLD WORDS IN ORDER TO GET YOUR ATTENTION!!!! **I'm making a new poll for a little "A Darkened Mind" . First I need nominations. Best Comic Relief. Leave your nominations with the little review button. Chapter Fifty is the deadline. I'll set up the poll afterwards._

_I won't be responding to reviews for this chapter. Sorry if I made anyone offended._

_However, I do want to thank everyone who has been reading. Those who review every chapter and been with me since the beginning. You guys rock. I have over three hundred reviews and over twenty thousands hits. At least twenty-five different countries on practically every continent. I hope that you guys stay until the end since we are almost half way there. _

**Chapter Forty-Nine: The Fittest Will Survive**

I think the worst thing about this is that I've done all I could to love him and he won't even look me in the eye. I saw Freddie look up to tell me, "I'm not going home, Sam."

He…isn't saying this to me. He can't be saying this to me…He loves me! He said so himself. He told me he loved me every day, twice an hour. He can't just decide to leave me. I came all the way out here and he won't even talk to me? He's going to get it when we get home.

"Don't be an idiot. There's no reason why you shouldn't be coming home with me," I told him.

He shook his head as he backed against the wall, "No, Sam. I'm not going home. I'm staying here."

He took a quick breath in before saying, "I can't let you hurt me anymore."

I sighed as I smirked, "Is…Is this all because I slapped you?" I tried to laugh it off, because I didn't really hurt him. Did I? No, of course I didn't. He was a man. Freddie could take it.

Freddie looked at me with eyes of anger. What? Anger? Freddie never gets angry. I get angry. I have rage. He doesn't. He's calm and collected. He's happy. He doesn't get angry.

Freddie said, defensive, "No, this isn't because you slapped me. This is because you beat me. You hit me, you kick me, you whip me, you cut me. You do anything to me as long as I bleed or burn or bruise. And if I cry or beg, that's even better. And you are so possessive. You keep me locked up in your apartmetn. You never let me have friends. You freak out if I talk to a girl. You isolate me from everyone so you can keep me all to yourself. And you insult me. You tell me I'm stupid, that I'm worthless, that I'm nothing without you. And I started to believe that crap. But it's not true. And I can't let you abuse me like you do."

That's…that's not true. None of that is true. Why is he lying to me?

Spencer groaned as he stood up and looked at the two of us. He seemed conflicted with what was going on. I could not really blame him. "…Maybe I should wait in the car…" He started to leave the house.

I grabbed his hand, "No. Stay here and listen to this bastard's lies." I stared at Freddie, trying to be angry with him. But I couldn't. Why was it so hard to be mad at him now? I've been angry with him in the past. Why couldn't I do it now?

Spencer sighed as he pulled his hand away from mine. He said nothing as he leaned against the wall and stared at the two of us. His eyes were full of confusion, confliction, and anger.

"I'm not coming home so you can hurt him again," Freddie said, stubbornly.

I sighed as I walked over to Freddie, "Freddie…I won't do it again." I had to tell him that so he would come home to me. I would try to control myself and be better for him, but it would probably be all for nothing. I do not think that I can quit.

Freddie looked and me and shook his head stubbornly. He crossed his arms and went over to the window and looked out of it. His aura was full of thoughts. I love that look when he's thinking. I see it constantly in my dreams and in my fantasies. His eyes are wide with intelligent thoughts. He looks out into space and he sets his elbow on any hard surface. He rests his head on his hand as he looks out around him. It's one of the cutest images I've come to associate with him. I remember seeing that look everyday in high school. It made him seem so intellectual and mysterious.

I wasn't like that. I was bold and brash and I wasn't smart like Freddie. He got As in everything. He could have made something for himself. He could have been a director, a computer programmer, anything like that. He could have left me in Seattle while he traveled the world…I couldn't let that happened, so I had to destroy his ego. It wasn't hard considering he had low self-esteem.

I didn't want to hurt him in his mind, but I had to. You understand that, right? Besides, all he needs is me to tell him that he's good, that he's smart, and perfect. He doesn't need some silly career.

The physical nature of our relationship, the fights and such, they are not my fault. I can't control myself. I get angry and I see red. I don't know what I do. I scream, I yell, I punch, and I hurt. And sometimes, Freddie was the brunt of that. But that was not my fault. I could not control that. And it's not like it's that bad. The last time he had to go to the hospital was years ago. With the countless apologies, I knew that there was little use in trying to be calm and nonviolent.

But Freddie knew that…Freddie understood that. Freddie knew that I couldn't control myself. I told him that and he believed me. He would smile at me with his bruised eyes and cheek and smile at me, "I know, Sam...I know you're sorry." It's been like this for seven years. Seven long and beautiful years. Why was he backing out now? Unless…Unless there was someone else.

"Who is she?" I asked, staring at him.

Freddie groaned before he pulled at his chestnut brown hair, "NO! There is no one else! This is not about anyone else! This is about you and me!" He turned around to look at me. The brilliance in his eyes was gone.

He walked over to me and grabbed me by my shoulders. He looked into my eyes and said, "…Sam, I love you. I really do. But I can't be with you…You're…you're poison."

My eyes widened at that. Poison? I'm poison? What in the world is he talking about? I looked into his eyes and I noticed how much brighter they were. His eyes hadn't been this bright in a long time.

I scoffed as I tried to shake it away, "I am not poison. And I don't hurt you! You're being over dramatic."

It was then that Spencer interjected. "Sam, stop it," He walked over in between us. Spencer sighed, "…The night at the bachelor party…I saw scars on your wrist, Freddie…Did she tie you up and do something to you?…Why didn't you tell me?"

Freddie looked at me and then looked at Spencer, "…It was nothing."

I tried to remember that night. When was it? A few months ago….I barely remember what I did to Freddie that would warrant tying him up.

Freddie looked at me and sighed. He then looked back at Spencer, "Yes, it was nothing."

Spencer asked, "Well, what about your burn marks? They're still there, if you haven't noticed. Did she burn you?"

I hate it when people talk about me like I am not in the room.

Freddie bit his lower lip and glanced at me, "…She poured boiling water on me…"

Spencer swore and turned around, running his fingers through his long brown hair, "Goddamn it all to hell….why haven't you…why didn't….I can't believe that I'm so stupid…" He turned to look at the two of us, "Sam, you…you…need help."

Those words "Sam, you need help". I've heard those words my entire life. Teachers, "friends", social workers, police officers. I don't need any help! I'm fine the way I am.

I felt the anger rise in me, finally. I ran over at Spencer, wanting him to take back those words. He was my friend. Why was he betraying me? He was just like Carly! That's why!

I ran towards the taller man and I punched him right in the face. He gasped in surprise as he put his hand over his bloody nose and backed away from me. I was about to punch him again when I felt two hands grabbing at my wrists. I turned to see that it was Freddie who was grabbing me. He was the one pulling me back so I wouldn't hit Spencer again. I felt the softness of his hands on my wrist. I always envied his girlish soft hands. Mine were harder and callous due to the days in my youth as a fighter.

"You have no control…" Spencer said, looking at me, "…That's why you hurt Freddie, because you can't control yourself."

"Let go of me," I ordered.

Freddie let go of my wrists and I turned to look at him. I started to wonder what was going on, because I saw him in this new light. I saw the burns on his face. They are faint, but they are there. I saw the instant obedience in his eyes when he took his hands off me.

I had to try a new tactic.

"Freddie Benson, do you love me?" I asked him, staring at him.

He nodded, "Of course, Sam-"

I interrupted him, "…You said that you would love me no matter what…You told me that no matter what I did, you would stay with me. You said this to me every since I could remember. Was all of that a lie?"

It couldn't be a lie. He told me that he accepted me, flaws and all. He was the one person that I could be myself with and not be scared of rejection. But here it was, here was the rejection.

Freddie sighed in frustration before saying, "This is not about love, Sam. This isn't about trust or loyalty. This is about us. This is about our relationship. This is about the pain and betrayal you put me through on a constant basis. I can't breathe when I'm around you. Not because I'm enraptured with you, but because you scare the shit out of me. I walk on egg shells every time I'm within grabbing distance of you. I'm scared of making you angry and you hitting me or beating me or yelling at me. And that's not love. That's…that's sadism."

I was about to respond when he continued.

"Sam, you were my first girlfriend. My first actual girlfriend. And I wanted to do everything to keep you. So I put up with what you did to me. I put up with it for seven years. And now, I'm through. I can't go back to you, Sam. I can't go back if you're like this. And I know what you are going to say. You are going to say that you are going to try to get better. But that's it. You'll try. Give it a few months and you'll hit me. Give it a few months…A few months until that bad day at work or that stupid comment I made…And bam! Right in my face. Because how many times has that happened? One, two, three, four, five…Countless times, countless lies. I thought that marrying you might change things, but it hasn't. It makes things…worse. And I can't bring a child into this sort of life Sam. It's not right. I can't destroy their mentality. Like how you nearly destroyed mine. I love you. I love your smile. I love the way you look at me. I love your silliness. I love the way you act as if I'm your life. I love your appetite. I love your boldness. I love how you look into my eyes. I love the way your skin feels against mine. I love every single thing about you…But if I stay with you either one out of two things will happen. I'll lose my life or I'll lose my mind. And by losing my life…I don't mean you killing me. I know that you have a conscience, Sam. That makes you different from most abusers. I trust you that much. I mean that I think that one day…I'll just jump off a building in my insane mind. Just to get away from you. And I don't want my life to end like that. I don't want that on your mind. So, this isn't about love. I love you. You love me. That's one thing we can agree on. The thing that you don't understand is that I can't keep getting hurt by something that I love. That makes me as sick as you are. And we need to stay away from each other to get better."

By the end of his speech, I was in tears. I had slumped down on the floor and I watched Freddie tell this to me. He looked down at me and told me these things and I could barely stand it. I couldn't bear to hear those words. I didn't want to hear him. I didn't want those words to enter my head.

I started to sob, not wanting to lose him. He finished his speech and bent down so he was at my level. He caressed my cheek as he sat down in front of me. I cried out before collapsing in his arms. He resisted me for a moment but he then held me tightly. "Don't let go of me," I whispered as I laid my head against his shoulder. He felt so warm and so comforting. I wanted to stay with him forever. I wanted to be in this moment for the rest of my life.

"Okay, Sam, I won't..." He said as he kept his arms around my body. I continued to cry. I hope that Freddie would pity me and come back to me.

What am I saying?

I don't need pity. I don't need pity from Freddie. He never gave me a pity look once in our entire relationship. Carly felt sorry for me. Teachers did. My family did. Freddie never looked at me with a "I'm so sorry that you are the way you are" look like they all did. Poor Sam...She's so angry all the time. She picks fights. She doesn't care about her school work. She'll never make anything out of herself. I never wanted to hear those words again. That's why I cut myself off. Why I never accepted pity unless it came from Carly. Carly was sheltered. Carly knew nothing about the real world. She didn't know a thing about me and where I came from. I never used pity to get what I want. I didn't accept scholarships because I didn't need their pity or their charity. I had my pride. I had my arrogance.

But I think the real reason that I rejected the idea was because I finally realized what he was saying. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear him tell me that we needed time apart. I didn't want him to tell me that he might kill himself if he stayed with me anymore. I didn't want to him to tell me that I was poison to him. I didn't want him to tell me that I needed help.

Because he's right.

_Fin...Freddie's monologue was actually the monologue I wrote for my final exam in one of my classes. ^^ I got an A on it._


	50. The Fifth Circle

_I am so sorry that I'm late. It has been so hetic. I had a writer's block for two weeks, then I had competions, Spring Break. Luckily, the train ride to and from NYC was fourteen hours total, so I got most of the writing done there with my so inspirational BFFs. You guys rock out loud._

_This particular chapter is dedicated to the entire cast and crew of The Worst High School Play In The World. From the lead to the stagehand, you guys have given me inspiration for this chapter that I never would have gotten otherwise. May we have a wonderful opening week. _

**Chapter Fifty: The Fifth Circle**

_Dear Diary,____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________February 12, 2010_

_Wow, today was great day! At our school, the Chorus group is raising money by selling Heart-A-Grams which is a heart shaped sucker with a little message stuck to it. I got one today since Valentine's Day is on a weekend. It didn't say who it was from. But it said that they cared about me. I have no idea who would send this to me. It might be Seth…But I doubt it._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________February 16, 2010_

_So, get this. Sam opens her locker to find a chocolate heart box the size of a television screen. It was filled with all her favorites. Chocolate, peanut butter, caramel, white chocolate, strawberries….She devoured it within the hour. I was jealous of her and Freddie. I shouldn't be jealous of my best friend, yet I am. Jonah told me that he never understood what the hype about Valentine's Day is about. He says that if you were really in love with a person, you didn't need a specific day to show that. You can do it whenever you want. That made me think._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________February 18, 2010_

_So, Freddie made a friend today in Culinary. It's actually a friend of ours from last year. Reuben. He stopped using his silly slang terms and now you can actually understand what he's saying. He's a sweet kid. And he and Freddie seem to hit it off._

_Jonah told me about the audition he has coming up next week. He says that he wants me there as his good luck charm. He says that it's his first straight play. Whatever that means. I told him that I was not a good luck charm. He just smirked and said that if he lost the role, it was my fault. And of course, I had to ask him what the play was. He's doing the Crucible._

_We read that last semester in English. Well, I slept through it and I barely remember the plot. So, I just smiled and said, "Good luck…" I'd have to look it up on Wikipedia later._

_Freddie came over to my place earlier to hang out. He was bragging about the watch that Sam bought him. He rolled up his sleeve so I could see it. But instead of the silver knock off, I saw the black and blue bruise that accented his arm. I just shook my head and sighed, "…Is your devotion so cheap that you would forgive this for that $100 watch?"_

_He rolled his sleeve down and he told me if I knew a thing about love, I would understand._

_I then asked him, "If I was with a guy who beat me up, would you be telling me to stay with him?"_

_He just said something along the lines of "it's not the same thing"._

_How is it not the same thing?_

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________February 19, 2010_

_Sam and I were in the locker room after gym class. We were putting on our clothes and I couldn't help but wonder how it was that I was best friends with this girl. I was best friend with a girl who hurt my other best friend. Sam is still the same person. Fun, outgoing, bold. She just abuses her boyfriend._

_Same old Sam…_

_I wonder if this is how the friends of a boy who hits his girlfriend feels…What do they do? How can they hang out and party and play with a guy who speaks of love but his actions are of hate? I try not be near her, but I can't help it. It's like a part of me still loves her and doesn't care._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________February 23, 2010_

_I hate it when they fight in front of me. I hate it when they argue over some stupid thing that Freddie did. Sam screams at him. Freddie screams right back. Sam hits him for yelling at her. Freddie starts to walk away. Sam grabs him and says that she's sorry. He forgives her. They kiss and make up._

_It's like watching a TV show over and over again. It gets old. But it's still uncomfortable. I don't know what to do or what to say. I don't know whose side I should be on. Freddie or Sam? Sam or Freddie?_

_Freddie has stopped screaming back…He takes it. Every insult and his eyes fill up with tears. She's so mean to him. She says such harsh stuff. Why does he take it? If I was going out with someone who called me "stupid," and "worthless" and "ugly", I would dump them._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,________________________________________________________________________________________________________________February 25, 2010_

_Freddie and I went out to the mall today after school. He wanted to get some new clothes. He said that he had burned most of his old clothes. I asked him why and he said he was getting tired of the whole nice boy look. I then asked him if he was the one getting tired of his image or was Sam the tired one? He looked at me with a look that said, "….It's obvious, isn't it?"_

_So I picked out this really hot looking black shirt with a blood red dragon on the back. I also picked out a pair of tight black pants. They are really in style in my school. Even Jonah wears them. Freddie picked out a bunch of similar clothes._

_I found a gorgeous dark purple skirt. I asked Freddie about it and he asked, tenderly, "Are you sure you should wear something like that?" I looked the skirt over and saw it was a bit on the short side. Too short for Spencer's approval._

_Spencer has tried to fill in the role of both my mother and my father since my mother died and my father went off to sea. You know, I don't have a lot of memories of my mother. She died when I was about five years old. The last memory of her was her face, a roaring sound, a stinging in my eyes and a lot of water. There was screaming. I remember being young and asking my father about it. He would caress my face and tell me to "Please, forget about it…"_

_Back to Spencer, sometimes he does not know how to raise me. After he disciplines me, he looks at me with eyes that asked, "Was I too harsh? Too easy?" He still hadn't got the hang of taking care of me. We were more like roommates than a guardian/child relationship._

_Love,_

_Miss Carl Shay_

_Dear Diary,_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________February 27, 2010_

_I don't know how, but Jonah managed to drag me to his auditions. He wanted me to be there to wish him good luck. We went to the Civic Theater. That's where the youth community group plays. Jonah's pretty chummy with the girls and boys auditioning. I asked him why he didn't join the drama club at school. Stupid question. He valued his tough guy reputation too much._

_He told me that the first day of auditions, he had to perform two monologues. On the second day, he performs a cold reading. If he gets a call back. A cold reading is when certain people are assigned a part and they read from the script. They change characters depending on who the casting director thinks they should be._

_Jonah got on stage and said, brightly, "Hello, my name is Jonah French. I will be performing a monologue from "Othello" by William Shakespeare and "The Actor's Nightmare" by Christopher Durang."_

_I took my phone out and quickly texted Freddie, asking him what the hell Othello was about. I couldn't really understand what Jonah was talking about. Something about tricking a guy into thinking his wife was a whore. But that couldn't be right….I don't know…Freddie hadn't texted me back until Jonah was well into his second monologue. Now that was a good monologue. It was so funny and I laughed at near every word that Jonah said._

_There is a light in Jonah's eyes every time someone laughs._

_Jonah got off the stage and he went to sit down next to me. He whispered, "Do you think anyone noticed that I messed up in the beginning?"_

_I frowned, "You messed up?"_

_He just smiled in relief as he watched the rest of auditions._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________March 1, 2010_

_Jonah got the part in his play. He's the main character, the lead. John Proctor. He asked me to come see it when it came out. Then he proceeded to shove a kid into his locker in front of his dumb friends. I feel like I know two different Jonahs. One Jonah, the mean one. The one who hurt Sam. The one that came on to me….Then this Jonah. The funny, smart, and creative Jonah. The one who can snap from a devious villian to a bumbling accountant within half a minute._

_Seth asked me if I wanted to go see a movie this Friday. He wants to go see Shutter Island. I reminded him that it was rated R. He just smiled and said, "I have a friend…" I'm not into the whole thriller movie, but it was with Seth. And I think that I like him and I think he likes me._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________March 4, 2010_

_Today, in gym class, we were changing into our clothes. One of the girls, Kathy, was talking to Sam._

_"I saw your boyfriend today. I'd keep an eye on him if I were you," Kathy said, giggling._

_Sam narrowed her eyes, "What are you talking about?"_

_Kathy laughed, "Well, he and Stacy were talking in the library. They seemed pretty friendly…."_

_I tried to get Kathy's attention. She had no idea what sort of damage she was going to cause._

_Kathy added, "Not to mention the way he's dressing now. He's soooo hot in those tight jeans. I'm jealous, Sam."_

_Sam slammed the locker and stormed out of the locker room. I tied my shoes and went to follow after Sam._

_Sam had gone through the school, down the hallway. I tried to keep up to her pace. I tried to get her attention. I called out her name, but she seemed intent on going to Freddie._

_Freddie was putting books into his locker. He turned to Sam, "Hey, baby-"_

_She slammed him into the locker and asked, "Do you like embarrassing me?"_

_Freddie stuttered, "Wh-what?"_

_Sam slammed him into the locker again, "Do you like dressing up like a man-whore and flirting with every damn girl you see?"_

_Freddie looked down, self-consciously, "I…I wear this for you…"_

_Sam rolled her eyes before slamming him into the locker a third time, "If I ever hear that you've been flirting with another girl again…."_

_She trailed off before she released her grip on Freddie, "Freddie…I love you….No one else will….Why do you hurt me like this?"_

_She sounded so small, so pathetic. Freddie always fancied himself to be some knight in shining armor. So he went to comfort her. He wrapped his arms around her, "I'm sorry, Sam."_

_He's sorry?! He's sorry?! Sam should be the one to apologize to him. That was so uncalled for. I mean, what if it didn't even happen? Sam is always so paranoid that Freddie is cheating on her. It's almost scary._

_I came over to them, "Sam, you can't do things like that…"_

_She glared at me and asked why I was so nosy. "Why can't you stay out of my relationships? Jonah, Pete, and now you are trying to run off Freddie?!"_

_She was screaming at me. It was beginning to draw a crowd._

_"Sam, she's just trying to help," Freddie said. His voice was small and pitiful, reminding me of a mouse._

_"Did I tell you that you could speak?!" Sam screamed at him before she grabbed his wrist._

_She pulled him over to her and the force almost made Freddie fall. She dug her nails into his skin. I could see the blood that she drew._

_I hate that they act like this. I hate that my best friends are constantly in this turmoil. Sam has always hurt Freddie, but this was different. She joked. She wasn't so hateful. And she never really raised her voice at Freddie unless they were arguing with each other._

_I noticed that Freddie wasn't in culinary class. I asked Reuben where he was. He said that he and Sam had gone home._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________March 5, 2010_

_Freddie went to the hospital today. Sam managed to break his arm. Freddie said that he fell over a coffee table. That was enough to convince his mother. Not me. I could see through his and Sam's lies. I asked him what happened. What on Earth did he do to make Sam break his arm? He just whispered, "I deserved it…" I was so angry. How dare Sam tell Freddie that he deserved to be hurt? I was so angry with her that I couldn't even speak to her._

_I wanted to cancel my date with Seth because of this. I was in no mood to pretty myself up and suffer through some conspiracy themed thriller. But I didn't. I like Seth. And I think he likes me. He might ask me to be his girlfriend. You know, the movie was okay. Seth really seemed to like it. He talked about the "awesome ending" throughout most of the walk back to my apartment. He then turned to me and blushed before looking away. He said, "I'm such a geek…." I smiled at him as I grabbed his hand. I didn't know what to say, but that felt right. Not saying anything, just using that physical movement. He gave me a good nice kiss, said he had a wonderful time and that we should do it again. I felt the butterflies going through my heart. I mean, what if he really does want to be with me? I don't know what to do about Freddie, though. I feel a bit of attachment towards him. Maybe I have a "fix it" mentality._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________March 8, 2010_

_Seth and I were talking in culinary. We were making some sort of sweet, gooeyness. It looked delicious. I forget the name or what on Earth it was supposed to look and be like. It was obvious that it was an epic fail. I went to get a bit of the chocolate on my finger and Seth looked into my eyes, "Let me have some of that…" He took my finger and he licked the chocolate off. I could feel my face heating up like a sun. I glanced over to see that Freddie and Reuben were looking at us._

_I blushed and looked away. I went to write down my notes. A few minutes past before Seth nudged me. He indicated the bowl and I saw that he had put some vanilla in the bowl. And the vanilla made words._

_"Will you be mine?"_

_I turned to him and asked, "Are you serious?" He smiled at me and nodded. I jumped up and hugged him. He instantly gave me a kiss, which caused the whole class to go, "Aww…."_

_So, Seth and I are going out….We are boyfriend and girlfriend…I can't believe it. Sam is really happy for me and nothing could let me down. Nothing at all._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________March 12, 2010_

_I can barely write. It's so awful…Reuben…Freddie's friend, my friend…He's dead. His house burned down last night. The news and police said that since they couldn't find any bodies that they were probably burnt to a crisp. Him, his parents. It's awful. I never had one of my friends die before. Not like this. Freddie, Seth, and I didn't go to school today. We just hung out at my place. Just watching movies and talking about Reuben. It's hard to believe that I'll never see him again. I'll never see those bright eyes, that joking voice, or that face ever again._

_Like I said, I never had one of my friends die, but I know a classmate that went missing. A girl named Shannon. She had a crush on Freddie. We were trying to set her up with Gibby, who had a crush on her. However, he scared her off, so she left the restaurant. That was the last time we saw her. The police said that she probably ran away and that the preppy, rich girl would be back in a few weeks._

_Sam, Freddie, and I thought, "Good riddance. Hope she never comes back." Then a month past, two months, three months. We started to get worried. We became mature about the situation and released what could have happened to her. Beaten, raped, murdered…Things that she did not deserve._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________March 16, 2010_

_Everything is going back to normal. The school, the news, friends. We've all moved on. I hate that Reuben's memory was just gone within five days. I hate that. Freddie lost the closest thing that kid had to a male best friend. Freddie never was good at making friends. He was socially awkward and if he ever made friends it was through Sam or me. Or the academic clubs he was in. Speaking of which, he's not doing them anymore. He's spending all his extra time with Sam. She hadn't hit him since she broke his arm. Or if she did, it must have been where I couldn't see it. And if they aren't together, they text each other in class constantly._

_Spencer told me that since I'm doing better in school, he's going to let me do iCarly again. I'm so excited. I called up Freddie and Sam and I told them to get to my place pronto for an improvisational show. We were pretty awesome. So, I'm glad something happened out of all this._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,________________________________________________________________________________________________________________March 20, 2010_

_Seth took me to see Alice In Wonderland today. It was pretty cool. And guess who was there? Jonah and his girlfriend. I recognize her from the auditions. I talked with him and her while Seth went to get popcorn and drinks. Her name is Nikki. She has the cutest little face. It's like a squirrel, but it's not ugly. It's cute. She played Elizabeth Proctor, John's wife. I asked if she was one of the leads. She blushed and said that it wasn't a big role. Jonah laughed and said, "Nikki is so modest. Even if she played Alice, she would say it wasn't a lead."_

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,________________________________________________________________________________________________________________March 23, 2010_

_Jonah and I were talking in class and I asked him, "…What show were you doing when you were dating Sam?" From what Jonah tells me about his director, he's kept on a pretty tight schedule. He barely has time for school and bullying. Much less to be with Sam on a constant basis like he was. He said that he played the Emcee in Cabaret. He said that it was the biggest role he ever had at the time. He said that he skipped a lot of rehearsal to be with Sam and almost got re-casted. After Sam, he swore that he would only date girls he was doing a show with, so that he would spend time with her and be able to go to rehearsal._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________March 28, 2010_

_It was a dream. A horrible and terrible dream. I was in a house. It was burning down and I was trying to get out. I was trying to break through the glass of a window, but it was unbreakable. I then looked outside to see two people; a man and a woman was watching the house burn down with tears in their eyes. I then saw someone else, a boy my age, being dragged off by a figure in black. He was screaming._

_"Let me go! Let me go! Someone help me!"_

_He screamed this over and over again. I tried to wake myself up, but I couldn't open my eyes. I felt everything around me catch on fire. I banged on the window, screaming for someone to let me out. I heard the screaming again._

_"Please! Stop! What are you doing?! Get off me!"_

_I then heard a loud roaring and the whole house flooded with water and I heard screaming again. But it wasn't the boy. It was a little girl._

_"Mommy, what are you doing?! Mommy, let me out! This isn't fun anymore!"_

_It was then that I woke up. I woke up drenched in cold sweat. I was twisted in the sheets and I was almost falling off the bed._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________April 1, 2010_

_Spring break is here at last! Seth and I are hanging out at his place. We spent our time playing with his little brother, Tyler. He's turning two in May. He's already started to talk. Well, more of babbling than actual talking. Seth thinks it's cute that I'm so attached to Tyler. He said that I would be a good mother._

_I don't know how a mother should act, so I'm not sure if I would be a good mother. The only guardians I know about is the cold, distant one and the non-caring freewill one. I've never had the mothers that those girls have on the Mother's Day movie specials. The sort of mother that adjusts some clothing before you go on your first date. The mother that licks her fingers before straightening your hair. The mother that would caress your face and give you a hug when you are hurt. Is that the type of mother I should be? I'm not sure if I should be a mother._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________April 16, 2010_

_Jonah wants me to come see his show next week. I told him I would see it with Seth if he could go. Jonah has stopped bullying anyone and he keeps studying his script. He's kind of cute when he's sitting on his seat, propping his feet up on the desk, reading that script. He mouths the words while he reads. I can't help but consider Jonah a friend of mine. It doesn't seem to me that he's a bad person. And I think he's sorry for hurting Sam._

_Speaking of Sam, I don't think she's hurt Freddie since she broke his arm. Freddie's arm is still in a cast. He's getting it off next week. Maybe Sam has stopped hurting him…I hope._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________April 23, 2010_

_Jonah was so good! He was amazing. He made the play. He was just awesome. The moment I saw him onstage, I felt myself smiling. I couldn't even pay attention to the fact that Seth wanted to make out with me. I just moved my head away as I faced the stage. Seth gave up after a while. And I almost cried at the end. It was so awful._

_I went to talk to Jonah after the show and he kept saying how he messed up his lines. I didn't see it._

_Seth walked me home and took me through the park. I went to kiss him and we started to make out in the park. It was perfect. So passionate. I felt like Seth truly cared for me. He then pulled away from me and held my hands in his. He said, "There's something…I need to tell you…"_

_I asked him, "What is it Seth?"_

_He bit his lower lip and started to shake, "…Can you promise me that you'll stay with me despite what I will tell you?"_

_I nodded._

_He looked into my eyes and sighed, "…I can't tell you now…"_

_I tried to get him to tell me, but he wouldn't. It started to bug me, but I didn't annoy him until telling me._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,____________________________________________________________________________________________________________April 26, 2010_

_I asked Jonah what play he was doing next. He says that he's not sure on what he should do. I asked him, "Since you aren't in a show with Nikki, are you going to break up with her?" He told me he wasn't. He said that she was also taking a break from the theatre. They are a cute couple._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________May 1, 2010_

_We were finishing up iCarly rehearsal today when I asked Freddie to stay late and help me clean up. Sam went home. I was alone with him. We were quiet for a while before I asked him if Sam was hurting him anymore. He said that she wasn't. I took his hand and made him look at me. I told him, "Promise me that if she ever hurts you again, you will break up with her."_

_He frowned, "Carly-"_

_"Promise me," I told him, staring into his eyes._

_"I promise…" Freddie said as he looked into my eyes._

_I hope he keeps it. I hope Sam doesn't make him keep that promise…_

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,______________________________________________________________________________________________________________May 3, 2010_

_I hate him. He broke his promise. Freddie promised me he would break up with her. He tried to cover it up, but I saw through it. I saw them!_

_They were arguing with each other after iCarly rehearsal. Sam was screaming at him, telling him that he didn't spend enough time with her._

_"I see you at school, at iCarly rehearsal, and I take you out! What more do you want?" Freddie asked her, trying to get an upper hand on the situation._

_I was sitting on a beanbag, watching the two. I learned long ago that it was pointless to try to reason with them._

_"When I call you, I want you to answer me!" Sam said as she stared at him._

_"Sam, I can't spend every single second with you…And honestly, I don't want to," Freddie told her._

_That was the wrong thing to say._

_Sam held up her hand and slapped him._

_I could hear the sound of the sting._

_I saw him as Freddie fell to the floor._

_He tried to get up and Sam kicked him right in his stomach._

_I shot up from the beanbag and grabbed Sam, pulling away her away from him._

_Sam turned around and pushed me away before she kicked Freddie in his face, giving him a bloody nose._

_I screamed for Sam to stop, but she wouldn't listen. It was like she wasn't herself. It was scary. So scary._

_It took a few minutes for Sam to finally calm down. She grabbed at her hair and walked away for a moment before she turned to Freddie. There were tears in her eyes as she sobbed, "I'm sorry…I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…"_

_And Freddie got up. His knees were shaking in fear. He put his hand to his stomach and the other hand was on his nose. There was blood all over his nose and it was seeping into his mouth. He used his jacket to wipe the blood away before he walked over to Sam. He staggered slightly as he looked at her. I tried to get his attention, so I could remind him of our promise._

_Freddie went over to Sam and hugged her in his arms. She was crying. She rested her head on his shoulder and he went to rub her back. Freddie looked at me and he didn't have to say anything._

_I know that he won't break up with her. It was stupid of me to think that he would grow a backbone and do this for me. For himself._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,____________________________________________________________________________________________________________May 6, 2010_

_I can't even talk to them. I can barely make it through rehearsal. I look at Sam and I feel angry. I look at Freddie and I feel betrayed, angry…All those things. Seth wants to know why it is that I am so hostile towards them now. I can't tell them. I can't tell Seth that two of his friends are crazy. Sam was an abusive monster. Freddie was a weakling, bending to her will. Going to her again and again to be beaten like some animal. It's disgusting._

_I was so angry with Freddie. I had to get him back. I'm going to sneak into the school after hours to go trash one of the classrooms and I'll tell the principal that Freddie had something to do with it. I'll probably do his math class._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,________________________________________________________________________________________________________________May 7, 2010_

_This turned out much worse than what I thought…._

_After I told Principal Franklin that Freddie trashed the classroom, he called Freddie into his office. He questioned him a bit before deciding to take my word over his. It was no secret that Freddie's math teacher and Freddie had dislike for one another. So Principal Franklin called his mother._

_Mrs. Benson arrived a few minutes later. I was still in the room. Freddie didn't know that I had been the one to get him into trouble. Freddie thought I was there for him. I wish that I was there for him, now. Mrs. Benson came into the principal's office, demanding to know what her "good boy" had done. Principal Franklin told Mrs. Benson that Freddie was going to be suspended for vandalism._

_First off, I didn't intend for Freddie to be suspended. Just a few weeks of detention. That was the low light of this entire fiasco._

_Mrs. Benson started yelling at Freddie about why he would do such a thing. He just looked down, meekly, and said, "I didn't do it, Mom."_

_Mrs. Benson just grabbed his shoulder tightly and turned to the principal and said, "It's that Samantha Puckett he's been…**courting**…She probably put him up to this. This can not be blamed entirely on my son."_

_"Sam didn't put me up to anything, because I didn't do anything," Freddie insisted._

_"That's it!" Mrs. Benson screeched, "As of now, you are forbidden to be with her. Now, I want you to march down that hallway, find her class, and break up with that little hooligan."_

_Freddie glared at her with a spirit that only Sam could have given him, "No, I won't."_

_Mrs. Benson grabbed his arm, tightly, "You are going to break up with her. She is a bad influence on you."_

_Freddie tried to pull away from her, "No! I love her!"_

_She just laughed, "You are sixteen, you don't know a thing about love! That little seductress has you in her web and I will not have you fail in life with her. I will not live to see you and that skank in some white trash trailer park."_

_I was getting pretty angry myself. I mean, Sam wasn't that bad. I wanted to say something, but what could I say, really?_

_"I love her!" Freddie insisted, angrily._

_"Break up with her!" Mrs. Benson yelled back._

_"Make me!" Freddie screamed as he pulled his arm away._

_He pulled his arm away so fast, that he didn't even notice that he backhanded his mother._

_Mrs. Benson cried out as she put her hand on her reddening cheek. She just looked in pure disbelief at her son._

_Freddie's anger evaporated as he looked at what he did to his mother. His mouth formed an O as his eyes lit up in his own surprise. He stared down at his hand for a moment._

_"…You…hit me," Mrs. Benson said, as if she needed to tell herself that, "…You hit your mother."_

_"I-I-I-I didn't mean to," Freddie said, whimpering. He went over to his mother and put his hand on her cheek._

_"Let's go home," Mrs. Benson said, slowly, as she turned around and went out the door. Freddie followed her with his head down._

_I tried calling Freddie and Sam, but they didn't answer me. I'm getting worried._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,___________________________________________________________________________________________________________May 12, 2010_

_Freddie wasn't suspended. He had to do detention from now until the end of the school year. He and Sam are still together. Apparently Mrs. Benson lost that argument with that slap._

_I didn't ask Freddie about it and I don't intend to. I don't need to be getting myself into a mess that I can't get myself out of. Seth tells me that I can't constantly get myself involved in their lives. It would just give me more problems that I won't be able to deal with._

_Speaking of Seth, I've been thinking a lot about him lately. He's so sweet, so loving. You know, I think that he feels the same way about me. Maybe he wants to take our relationship to the next level. I know that I do. I love his ruffled brown hair and his Edward Cullen skin and eyes. And he works out, so that's always nice to have that within reach._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________May 22, 2010_

_School will be out by the middle of June. I'm pretty excited. And I'm doing so good in school. All As and Bs this time around. Seth and I had a talk today and I'm sure that he wants to sleep with me. He didn't come out and say it, but I'm sure that he does. He did tell me that he loved me. He was so sweet. We were sitting on the couch at my house and he put his arm around me. He bent down to kiss my forehead and he whispered, "I love you…"_

_Despite that, I feel a tinge of doubt. I try to rid myself of this feeling. I can't help it though. Since I've never done it before, I don't know what to do…What will be expected of me. Things like that._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________June 1, 2010_

_Exams are starting at my school. Jonah's leaving this summer. He says that he's going to New York for the summer. I asked why and he said that it was a tradition for him. He and his mother would go to New York to visit relatives. He would also try out for The Lion King. Broadway is prestigious. They won't take just anyone. They cast the best of the best. Jonah is awesome, he really is. If anyone I know is going to make it, he will. He says that he had been doing that since he was eleven. His mother was one of those stage mothers. The one that took their child, age three, and thrust them on the stage or in front of the camera._

_I was tempted to ask Jonah something, but I'm sure that he would just laugh._

_What if Freddie wasn't Sam's first abusive relationship? What if she did something to Jonah?_

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________June 9, 2010_

_School is over and done with. Thank God. Next week, Sam and Freddie and Spencer and I are going out to the beach house that my father owns. We're going to be spending most of the summer there. Spencer has only one rule. We all have our own room. He says that he doesn't want to responsible if someone does something dirty in the beach house._

_Seth invited me to his house to spend the night. It works out because Spencer is out with a girlfriend of his. So, night to you._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_Dear Diary,_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________June 10, 2010_

_You will not believe what happened last night. Seth and I actually did it. We had sex. It was on his bed. It was the most interesting thing that I ever done with someone that's for sure. I'm at home now and I already miss him. Seth tells me that he wants to be with me forever. I really feel nice and at peace with him. You know, I was scared at first. But there was something animalistic about what happened. Need, passion, fire, all wrapped up in this cosmic sort of event that I would not change a thing about._

_Jonah texted me today. He sent me a few pictures of the sites and such. He says that the auditions aren't until next week and that he would text me the results. He was nervous and he wasn't sure if he would get a part. I mean, after being rejected for five years, I understand where he's coming from. But Jonah is a great singer, an excellent actor. He's kind of crappy as a dancer, so that must be it. The Lion King is a pretty active musical. From what scenes I've seen anyway. I've always wanted to go to New York._

_I think that things are finally going my way. I'm doing great in school. I have nice group of friends that I love. I have a boyfriend that is loving and loyal. Even Sam and Freddie seem to be getting along better than ever._

_I love my life._

_Love,_

_Miss Carly Shay_

_**Thanks for reading. I can't believe that we're half way done. Fifty chapters. Frankly, I can't believe we got past chapter one. ^^ So ends part one. Part Two will be coming up shortly....**_


	51. Author's Note

Hey, guys, it's come to my attention that some of you don't know about part two. I figured I'd tell you about it.

...There's a part two! Yay! ^^ I'm on chapter fifty-nine for those who don't know, so go on and read it.

Thank XxDukeofAwesomenessxX for bringing this up. Thanks, man.


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